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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in thinking that its greedy to ask for vouchers?

183 replies

ipswitch · 15/04/2013 08:26

just received an evening wedding invite, small do in a village hall, disco and buffet, grown up B and G, lived together 20 yrs and teenage children. Quite well off, 2 x holidays per year, 2 cars, both in good jobs , nice home. Invite says no presents please but if you want to give something John Lewis vouchers will be very useful.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is just rude and greedy?
It has really irritated me. And yes, they do have much more money than me.

Normally I would make or give something very personal and small that I think they would like and would fit in with their home. I hate buying presents off lists and I hate giving vouchers too.

OP posts:
ChocolateCakePlease · 15/04/2013 20:09

Everyone knows a guest is going to want to buy a gift in some form so what is the point on the beating around the bush about it? It is just a weird british thing where you are not allowed to admit you want a certain kind of gift until the guest asks (which the normally always do) and only then are you allowed to admit you would like a certain gift! I mean wtf.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2013 20:14

'Everyone knows a guest is going to want to buy a gift in some form so what is the point on the beating around the bush about it? '

Why, when the host said no? So the trend is money/cash. Why not a trend of, 'Your presence is our present'? We already do it with other occassions, I've been to plenty of 40th birthday parties where the hosts has strenuously specified no gifts, just come celebrate, and people respected that.

ChocolateCakePlease · 15/04/2013 20:19

Expat that wasn't my point. In this case the host has given the option of vouchers if they want to get a gift but some are saying the host should wait until asked before mentioning vouchers implying it is rude to put it on an invite. It is not rude, it is saving yourself receiving 100 phone calls to ask the same thing.

Floggingmolly · 15/04/2013 20:24

It is rude!!!

TheMNeffect · 15/04/2013 20:24

These kind of threads get posted all the time and its usually the op saying 'It's rude to have a gift list, I like to make the present'.

So, if I ever get married again, my optional gift list would read this:
Hand carved love seat/bench
Original oil painting of the happy couple
Hand written personal poem written by the guest
Hand made wedding rings with personalised engraving
Dinner set, made on guests potters wheel and hand painted
Hand made bed set, seen by guest
Signature 'his and hers' perfumes blended by guest
Vases and glass crap mouth blown by guest
And no store bought cards, they must all be hand made

Grin

Of course I would definitely not ask for this shit with a naff poem, I will send with the invite a DVD with the gift list by medium of dance!

Then all my guests would be really really happy because everyone loves to give a handmade gift Hmm.

In all seriousness though op, I think yabu. The gift of vouchers is optional, you can still give them a handmade gift, I bet they will be thrilled. I was happy with anything and nothing from our guests and I really would be happy to get something handmade.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2013 20:28

If you get married again why have a big friggin' wedding? I've been married 3 times and, I'm old-fashioned, but it's kind of tacky, a big blow out complete with 'Money, vouchers, buy us a honeymoon' when you're bloody 30 or 40-years-old old. Fuck off to registry office and meet everyone down the pub, ffs.

Fudgemallowdelight · 15/04/2013 20:33

TheMNeffect Grin

ChocolateCakePlease · 15/04/2013 20:34

Did I miss-read the op? Is this a 2nd or 3rd marriage?

Fudgemallowdelight · 15/04/2013 20:38

No I don't think so. (Unless I missed it too.)

Floggingmolly · 15/04/2013 20:39

They've lived together for 20 years, though. Hardly a starter home situation.

wherearemysocka · 15/04/2013 20:40

Every wedding I've been invited to over the past ten years has specified gifts in the invitation. It's the norm now. Etiquette changes. I've only sent my RSVP to the bride's mother once in ten years, and that struck me as terrible old fashioned and quaint.

I'd much rather they told me what they wanted, a few clicks of the mouse and they've got it. Job done. We can get on with the celebrations and they have something nice they actually wanted.

TheMNeffect · 15/04/2013 20:42

Was that to me expat? Was it the DVD idea? Maybe too much for a second marriage Sad.

ChocolateCakePlease · 15/04/2013 20:48

They aren't asking for starter home stuff though. The (optional) john lewis vouchers could be put together to buy one big thing they will love like a piece of furniture or something. My sister bought a new kingsize bed to replace the old shabby double they had. That is nice.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2013 20:49

It was to no one in particular.

ChocolateCakePlease · 15/04/2013 20:54

I agree it is modern etiquette. Years ago people would have been writting threads about not receiving the invite from the brides mother whilst other would be saying it is the norm now for the bride to do it.

DontmindifIdo · 15/04/2013 20:55

I must say the other great thing about John Lewis gift lists, they stay open for 2 weeks after the wedding, so the night before when you're saying to your DH "but they are your friends, I thought you'd sort it!" you can then log on and buy something like teaspoons as that's all that's left or when you get back having only had the "so what did you get off hte list from us?" conversation in the car on the way home you can still order it and the bride and groom don't need to know

If I've got to call the bride's mother, I actually have to think about a gift in advance, probably thinking about it when I get the invite.

And yes, I'm in my 30s, every invite I've had as an adult (so not come under "and family" with my parents invites) has some sort of guidance on gifts in the invite/invite information. This has included small weddings with less than 20 guests and large hiring a whole castle affairs. It does seem to be the new norm, it's odder to expect people to contact the mother of the bride for the list.

UptheChimney · 15/04/2013 20:56

As others have said, if I go to a significant celebration I want to offer a gift as a mark of the event, and to show my good wishes /love/care for the people celebrating.

So give them something personal if you want to give them something! Don't calculate it on what sort of income & lifestyle you think they have. Your list in your OP makes you sound a bit envious, TBH.

OhDearNigel · 15/04/2013 21:05

They're hardly having some massive great blowout expat, op clearly states small do in village hall

amandine07 · 15/04/2013 21:06

Floggingmolly saying it's "hardly a starter home situation" is missing the point about the original post.

They are not asking for toasters, bed linen & white goods...it's JL gift vouchers!

More generally, what is all the sniffiness that the couple have been together 20 years? They are organising their wedding, they have not asked for presents but gift vouchers are welcome.

It's hardly like they've got a massive list with £100 and upwards household items. You don't have buy anything if you don't want to- even better, make something personal yourself.

Fudgemallowdelight · 15/04/2013 21:20

If the couple had been together for 45 years or if they were each on their 7th marriage, it wouldn't bother me. I would still want to take a present to the wedding and i would still prefer they let me know what present they would find most useful.

amandine07 · 15/04/2013 21:27

Fudgemellowdelight I could not agree more with your words!

PrettyKitty1986 · 15/04/2013 21:35

I hate any sort of gift list or official request for specifics. Worse is the god-awful cringe-worthy poems which have become so popular, basically saying 'Give us cash because we don't want to risk you buying tat we don't want'.
Rude, crass, grabby and generally bleugh IMO.

SquirrelNuts · 15/04/2013 22:52

YANBU i went to a wedding a few years ago in the invitation was one of those irritating poems hope theyre not being rude have everything they need so money would be best!!! DP had just lost his job so they actually didnt get anything but I wouldnt have given them money anyway.

foreverondiet · 15/04/2013 23:01

Yabu - why would you want to give them a gift they don't need? Plus their said gifts optional...

kennyp · 15/04/2013 23:05

If people asked me for vouchers i used to get them a nice book and write in the front so that they couldnt take it back. Ditto for any present list.

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