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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU in thinking that its greedy to ask for vouchers?

183 replies

ipswitch · 15/04/2013 08:26

just received an evening wedding invite, small do in a village hall, disco and buffet, grown up B and G, lived together 20 yrs and teenage children. Quite well off, 2 x holidays per year, 2 cars, both in good jobs , nice home. Invite says no presents please but if you want to give something John Lewis vouchers will be very useful.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is just rude and greedy?
It has really irritated me. And yes, they do have much more money than me.

Normally I would make or give something very personal and small that I think they would like and would fit in with their home. I hate buying presents off lists and I hate giving vouchers too.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 15/04/2013 17:10

I think it's perfectly OK to ask for vouchers if somebody asks you what you would like. And also OK to put on invitations no presents. I've had this on birthday invitations but not wedding. It's not OK to put no presents but x y or z would be nice. That's only my opinion though.

Floggingmolly · 15/04/2013 17:15

I think the whole concept of the gift list or voucher/cash request being conveyed to your guests with the invitation is awful.
It's stating the conditions of the invite, which sets my teeth on edge.

BackforGood · 15/04/2013 17:16

YABU.
They said if you want to give something.
If you don't, then don't, but a lot of people will want to, and it makes sense that they get something the receiving couple actually want.

Dancergirl · 15/04/2013 17:42

floggingmolly no it isn't at all.

MOST people like to give a gift.

if you say 'no gifts' then invariably lots of people will ignore it and get something anyway.

As a wedding guest, if I WAS buying a gift I would rather buy something the couple actually want rather than guessing, even if money or a voucher.

Most decent people wouldn't be offended if you chose not to give a gift.

Why on earth do we have to pretend that people don't give wedding presents??

HoneyStepMummy · 15/04/2013 17:49

I really can't understand what the problem is. They have clearly stated stated that they don't want gifts. They know that some people will insist on giving something, so they've made it easy for them. If you don't want to give them something then don't.

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/04/2013 17:49

YANBU, given they have lived together for so long they could have simply said no presents and leftt it at that. Tagging on the vouchers part was tacky as its the expection of a present with a little window dressing to try and make it sound better.

dexter73 · 15/04/2013 17:55

It isn't stating the conditions of the invite at all. If they put a list of hotels/B&Bs in with the invite they aren't insisting that you have to stay at one of those locations or you can't come. They are just being helpful as they know people buy wedding presents and a list is helpful, as are a list of hotels, taxis etc.

KurriKurri · 15/04/2013 18:08

The couple have given two perfectly acceptable options

1 -No presents, -clearly their main preference as it is listed first.
OK some guests may react with 'oh no I must give a present, otherwise I will ........

if you must give a present (but see option one - we don't actually want any) how about a voucher? - easy for you, spend however much or little you want, and its useful.

Some guests react - Oh no I have to give a present or .... but I don't want to give a JL voucher because....

Now here is where the couple have made a mistake, they should have had option 3 the Guestzilla alternative - 'ignore the fact that we don't want presents, ignore our suggestion of JL vouchers if despite our assurances you are determined to bring gifts, buy whatever the hell you like'

I am going to start marketing cards with the Guestzilla option already printed, I will make a fortune.

Rosesandlemons · 15/04/2013 18:20

I think if anyone is rude it's Ipswitch You also sound resentful that they have more money and therefore deserve less. It shouldn't make a difference whether its in a tent or a. 5 star hotel either.

Original poster

ipswitch · 15/04/2013 18:58

Im sorry but I do think its rude to ask for money or vouchers.

I actually just want to make them something homemade, eg a personal momento like a handmade cushion cover perhaps with their initials or the date of the wedding appliqued on it. ( Thinking cath kidson style- unique and vintage style that think they will like and will fit in with their home decor)

If they think this is Tat, dont like it or want to put in in the attic or charity shop thats their business.

I still think its very bad form to as a mature couple ask for anything specific as a default when they have specifically stated no presents.....unless of course they do want the vouchers.

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/04/2013 19:02

It is absolutely a waste Expat. £60 and time and energy devoted to finding a gift only for it to bring, no joy, just £3.50 to whatever charity shop it ends up in? Ridiculous waste.

I would ask those who think the OP is NBU, when you give gifts, do you do it for the couple or do you do it for yourself? Because surely the point of giving a gift is that it benefits the recipient.

ShadowStorm · 15/04/2013 19:02

If you want to make them something homemade, why not just do it?

I'm sure they won't take offense at it.

The voucher option will most likely be there for the benefit of those guests who would feel that they were being rude to turn up with no present.

ShadowStorm · 15/04/2013 19:03

And also because there's lots of useful stuff to be bought in JL, so they'll be sure to find something in there they like to spend any vouchers on.

amandine07 · 15/04/2013 19:17

YABU

They have NOT asked for presents, but probably realise that many will want to buy something so have given a option for JL vouchers.
So therefore you do not need to spend a penny on a present if you don't want to.

Do you actually like this couple? Your OP sounds like you have a touch of the green eyed monster!

Honestly, couples can't win whatever they do- asking for presents/money/vouchers gets an irrational reaction even when they make it clear they don't actually want any presents.

I go to my friends' weddings and I'm happy to buy a present/voucher/give money because they're my friends and I want to get them something they actually want.
I do this happily and without resentment.
Maybe you should just decline the invitation if you find them so "rude and greedy"?

Fudgemallowdelight · 15/04/2013 19:35

Normally I would make or give something very personal and small that I think they would like and would fit in with their home. I hate buying presents off lists and I hate giving vouchers too.

Imagine if everyone did this though. Then they are going to end up with 60 knick knacks around their house.

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/04/2013 19:39

If you want to make a gift Ipswitch, then do it. I'm sure that happy couple will thank you and be gracious. Which is a whole lot more than you have been in your response to their invitation to join them in celebrating their love.

bigTillyMint · 15/04/2013 19:42

I think times have changed.

More and more couples are living together before getting married, and would not need the traditional presents like toasters, etc.

Many of us don't like loads of knickknacks around the house, or have enough already.

It is a dreadful waste to get rid of presents that you don't want or need.

Money/vouchers seem to be the perfect solution.

CocktailQueen · 15/04/2013 19:43

Invite says no presents please, but they also give an option if you would like to buy a pressie - what's wrong with that?? YABU.

Viviennemary · 15/04/2013 19:46

Why on earth do they have to even mention what they want on the invitation. All it means is we think we're polite as we have not actually asked for a gift (though we have really as we know you will buy one.) We want John Lewis vouchers. Nothing else will do. Grabbers!!

amandine07 · 15/04/2013 19:56

Please DO mention what kind of gift you would prefer on the invitation- it makes my life a lot easier and I am not offended in the slightest!

I'd rather the gift options were presented upfront- if I'm going to a friend's wedding I'd like to buy them a present, preferably something they actually want! Send it all together so I don't have to scrabble around to find the gift list info in a few months time!

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/04/2013 19:58

So they dont have to field 20, 80, 250 calls from guests asking what they want, at a very busy time, I would guess.

ChocolateCakePlease · 15/04/2013 20:02

This thread has reminded me of an (ex) friend when she got married. They asked for thomson (airline) vouchers which wasn't asked for in the invite, it was asked for via group text message a little while later. I don't know if people were asking what they wanted but I still got the text even though I hadn't asked.

I did not realise you had to order the vouchers from thomson and then there was a mix up so they weren't ready when the day arrived. I gave a card and said the vouchers would follow by the time she came off honeymoon.

I saw her after she got back and gave her the vouchers in an envelope saying what it was and didn't even get a thank you. Then a few months later after things had gone sour for other reasons a mutual friend told me she had moaned that I only gave £20 in vouchers (that is what I could afford at that time) and everyone else gave at least £50 she is not in my life anymore.

amandine07 · 15/04/2013 20:04

Honestly, some of you posters don't actually seem to like the couples who invite you to their weddings.
Why bother going? At least you save yourself £££ and further stress from feeling that they are being greedy & rude.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2013 20:04

'Money/vouchers seem to be the perfect solution.'

If you have everything you need and want, because you lived together for years, this is your second/third/whatever marriage, why do you need gifts at all?

And Dione, it's only a waste because the person didn't want it. One man's trash is another man's treasure.

Jestrin · 15/04/2013 20:06

YABU The invite says no presents but gives you the option of giving John Lewis vouchers if you want to. This is understandable as they have been together quite awhile and already have teenage children, so they don't need anything particularly. I don't see why you are getting upset over it?

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