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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU in thinking that its greedy to ask for vouchers?

183 replies

ipswitch · 15/04/2013 08:26

just received an evening wedding invite, small do in a village hall, disco and buffet, grown up B and G, lived together 20 yrs and teenage children. Quite well off, 2 x holidays per year, 2 cars, both in good jobs , nice home. Invite says no presents please but if you want to give something John Lewis vouchers will be very useful.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is just rude and greedy?
It has really irritated me. And yes, they do have much more money than me.

Normally I would make or give something very personal and small that I think they would like and would fit in with their home. I hate buying presents off lists and I hate giving vouchers too.

OP posts:
YoniLovesChachi · 15/04/2013 15:45

YANBU. It sounds very insincere, all this 'but if you insist' nonsense. They should cross that bridge if they come to it. By mentioning John Lewis, they're setting out their expectation.

KurriKurri · 15/04/2013 15:48

People generally give, so they are asking that people don't give (not an unreasonable assumption that they will try to - it's a wedding after all), but if people are desperate to give a gift anyway (despite being asked not too) couple are suggesting vouchers.

Fair enough, vouchers are easy you can pick your own amount, -vastly preferably to either a) a twee poem asking you to pay for their honeymoon, or b) a list from the world's most expensive shop where you would have to remortgage your house just to be able to buy a teaspoon.

IslaValargeone · 15/04/2013 15:51

I would always take something, as I imagine most people would. After all you don't turn up to someone's house for dinner without at least a bottle of wine.
That being said, arguably, they could have put 'No presents' and left it at that if they had really meant it.

OhDearNigel · 15/04/2013 15:52

Normally I would make or give something very personal and small that I think they would like and would fit in with their home

Most of those things end up in the bin/cupboard/loft. And if they'd written "we don't want a present but if you really want please buy us a small nicknack for the loft" you'd probably still have been unhappy

Wedding lists have been around for years. My cousins are coming up for their silver weddings - and they both had "lists" - a small notebook that got passed round the family and you tore out the page which had the present you had bought. It's hardly a modern "grabby" thing.

DontmindifIdo · 15/04/2013 15:54

expat, but you never get no presents if you say no presents, you get random things instead. I've been to several 'no gifts' weddings and you still get a heaving table full of wrapped gifts. Asking for charity donations is also seen as bad form for a lot of older generations who get sniffy about being told where to donate their money too.

Basically, you can't win, unless you have a lot of storage space and a love of nick nacks.

Floggingmolly · 15/04/2013 15:55

What's rude and greedy about asking for no presents
They didn't ask for no presents as such; they were specific that they didn't want any old crap their guests might be deluded enough to consider a suitable gift, so asked for vouchers to choose their own.

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/04/2013 15:58

YABU. I say this as someone who has cleared out and taken to the charity shop 2 boxes of something very small and personal that others thought I would like. I felt that the money was wasted.Sad

They have said that you don't have to give anything and if I were you OP, I would not give anything. Nor would I go to the do, as you sound a bit jealous and bitter and seem to be seeking offense. Not the sort of person who wants to celebrate their love and marriage.

YoniLovesChachi · 15/04/2013 15:59

Exactly, Isla. 'No presents' would have been clearer if that was their true intention. Then those who really did pester for a present idea could have been advised to get a voucher, or the b&g could have absolutely insisted they'd be embarrassed to accept anything.

HeirToTheIronThrone · 15/04/2013 16:02

Oh god, we have a list... One which was put together because of all the people asking us to get one - especially older relatives and friends of my parents who would see asking for money/vouchers as not the DONE THING. Nothing is the done thing it seems from this thread! And it's not on the invites, if people ask then we'll tell them. If you don't want to buy anything, then don't, but like most people here I would always take something to a wedding, and would much rather be told what would be useful/appreciated rather than having to guess. If people think I am greedy because we'd like to have a few nice-ish things in the kitchen rather than the super cheap stuff/inherited tat I have had since I went to university then I clearly do not have very nice friends...

KurriKurri · 15/04/2013 16:02

But they did ask for no presents Molly - 'no presents please' - how can that be any thing other than they don't want presents? - they added the bit on the end because they know, as we all do, that whatever you say, some people will always turn up with a presents, so they are guiding people in the direction of usefulness should they insist on ignoring the no presents request.

But some people not only want to give a present even though they've been asked not too, they also want to get what they think the couple should have. If they have been together for several years, they will have all the useless tat they need, they are trying to prevent people wasting their money on more of the same. With the very clear and first given option of 'don't buy anything please'.

thermalsinapril · 15/04/2013 16:04

they were specific that they didn't want any old crap their guests might be deluded enough to consider a suitable gift

Yes. Anything which basically says "we don't want the tat you would choose" is rude.

IslaValargeone · 15/04/2013 16:10

I don't think they are remotely concerned about whether their guests 'waste money' they just want to make sure they are free of 'tat'.

NatashaBee · 15/04/2013 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChocolateCakePlease · 15/04/2013 16:11

When i got married i was 26 and my DH is 20 years older than me and already had has own house so i adopted all kinds of strange guy things and all the plates/crockery/kitchen stuff etc were all either old/mismatched or just something my dh decided would just do (seems to be a guy thing?)

I have never been the kind of person to ask for anything, never had a special 18th/21st and i don't even insist anyone makes a fuss to go out on my birthday. I am quite a low key person. For my wedding however i just fancied for once asking friends and family for things i really disired through the form of a gift list. It was the first time in my life i ever had the chance to go around the department store and choose nice things that i really liked for the home and everyone seemed more than happy (if not relieved at not having to choose) to buy me something from my list.

If someone is that offended at the thought of a list/vouchers then an invite is optional and you can just turn it down.

wherearemysocka · 15/04/2013 16:13

I don't get why it's more polite to expect your guests to harass and chase after you, trying to get you to commit to something you want? You go to a wedding, you give a present, and I'd much rather the bride and groom were upfront about what they wanted.

A big advantage of vouchers is you can put them together and get a large piece of furniture, rather than lots of little bits that I certainly have too much of. They can get a better quality piece that will last longer because of the collective generosity of their guests. I think that's a nicer start to married life.

IslaValargeone · 15/04/2013 16:13

There's always the chance that aunty Vera will give you an iffy figurine, but most people are a bit more switched on to what would be in tune with the happy couple. Even if it's a bottle of bubbly or something, that's the kind of thing that will always get used one way or the other.

grumpyinthemorning · 15/04/2013 16:17

I don't even see what's wrong with asking for money towards the honeymoon. That's what I'm doing, if people (mainly older relatives) insist on gifts. We're paying for the honeymoon ourselves, but the extra spending money would enable us to have a really memorable time. It's the same thing several of our friends have done this year. We feel it's acceptable since we're all in our mid to late twenties, and don't really have the spare cash for extravagant holidays.

ChocolateCakePlease · 15/04/2013 16:18

"Yes. Anything which basically says "we don't want the tat you would choose" is rude."

"I don't think they are remotely concerned about whether their guests 'waste money' they just want to make sure they are free of 'tat'."

I disagree because everyone has such different taste that what is lovely for one person is hidious to another. In the golden days of way back when there wasn't the vast choice of "stuff" we have today to choose from either and people pretty much made do whether they liked it or not. So i see nothing wrong in giving people guidance in their taste and it is a relief for alot of people. I have trouble getting presents when the kids get invited to parties with the wonder of what to get so a big choice in what to get an adult for their home that they will like is a tough call.

YoniLovesChachi · 15/04/2013 16:18

Nobody with a wedding list or a request for cash/vouchers in with the invitation ever actually wants anything. They only do it to please the old people. It must be hard for them knowing that there'll be a lot of people worse off than them coming to the wedding who forked out for a gift that wasn't really needed, but you know, you have to suck it up to make sure Aunty Beryl can choose something nice in Debenhams.

It seems like that anyway. I've never heard any bride or groom say "We want to upgrade a lot of our homeware and the wedding cost a lot, so it seemed like a good opportunity to boost our funds".

IslaValargeone · 15/04/2013 16:19

Most people don't have the spare cash for extravagant holidays grumpy, but I'm sure paying for yours will ease the pain.

Panzee · 15/04/2013 16:20

We need a wedding gift topic or FAQ so that all this can be hidden by me. People get really offended abut every aspect of other people's weddings. :o

YoniLovesChachi · 15/04/2013 16:21

I retract my last post. ChocolateCakePlease has just done exactly what I said people never do Grin

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/04/2013 16:22

I got a shed load of picture frames which I didn't use at all, they all went to the charity shop. I was upset because I felt that my family had wasted their money on things which just took up storage space and I then felt guilty divesting myself of.

AaDB · 15/04/2013 16:25

Yabu.
I wouldn't attend a party without a gift.

I would rather give what the recipient would like; rather than what I deem a suitable present.

grumpyinthemorning · 15/04/2013 16:29

Isla, we give what we can afford, and it all builds up. I'd rather someone gave five or ten pounds to go towards a nice dinner on my honeymoon than feel like they have to fork out for expensive crap I don't need. And if they didn't want to, or couldn't give any, that's fine too.