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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in thinking that its greedy to ask for vouchers?

183 replies

ipswitch · 15/04/2013 08:26

just received an evening wedding invite, small do in a village hall, disco and buffet, grown up B and G, lived together 20 yrs and teenage children. Quite well off, 2 x holidays per year, 2 cars, both in good jobs , nice home. Invite says no presents please but if you want to give something John Lewis vouchers will be very useful.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is just rude and greedy?
It has really irritated me. And yes, they do have much more money than me.

Normally I would make or give something very personal and small that I think they would like and would fit in with their home. I hate buying presents off lists and I hate giving vouchers too.

OP posts:
GirlOutNumbered · 15/04/2013 09:03

YABU. It seems to be traditional to turn up at a wedding with a gift.

We didn't ask for anything at our wedding but were astounded at people's generosity. Everyone gave cash, vouchers or bubbly, it was amazing.

I would always take a gift if I was invited anywhere, it's polite.

ivykaty44 · 15/04/2013 09:05

they have given you a choice of no present or vouchers - I don't see how that is greedy?

no presents please but if you want to give something John Lewis vouchers will be very useful.

they are inviting you to share there happy evening after their wedding and have made it very clear they do not expect any presents but if you feel that you really want to bring something spend money on vouchers would be the way to go.

Greed to me is when people demand you bring a lot

the dictonary states:

Excessively desirous of acquiring or possessing, especially wishing to possess more than what one needs or deserves.

If the invite stated you must spend more than £20 on a present and bring vouchers to the value of - then I would say that was greedy

Op YABVVVO

flossy101 · 15/04/2013 09:05

Yabu.

I wouldn't turn up to a wedding and not take a gift, if they say they don't need anything but if you insist then vouchers, I think it saves you worrying what to get an giving them something they don't want.

Fudgemallowdelight · 15/04/2013 09:08

I don't think it is greedy no. Most people wouldn't be rude enough to turn up to a wedding empty handed and they are pointing out what would be useful if people do want to give presents. How much money or holidays they have is completely irrelevant, unless you would turn up to rich people's weddings with no gift at all?

rightsaidthread · 15/04/2013 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

larrygrylls · 15/04/2013 09:11

Of course they asked for presents! The "no presents please but if..." is a subtle (well, not really that subtle) way of asking for vouchers but trying desperately hard not to appear greedy. How many guests are going to take the "no present" route really?

If they really wanted no presents, they would definitively state no presents without an alternative, or the alternative being a gift to charity.

YANBU

mrs2cats · 15/04/2013 09:13

Yabu

I see what you mean that, if they've been together 20 years and they're apparently comfortably off, then they don't need anything. However, you yourself state that the invite says 'no presents...'. It shows that they too feel that they lack nothing and that it would be greedy to ask for presents.

However, many people feel uncomfortable turning up at a wedding or party with nothing and so, to accommodate those people, there's the option of gift vouchers. It just means that they don't end up with a house full of unwanted presents for which they have no need at all.

intheshed · 15/04/2013 09:15

I just think you can't win with weddings- we had no gift list, no mention at all of presents in the wedding invite. We were innundated with people asking where was the gift list, and what did we want. Alot of people like a gift list/vouchers suggestion. I would always spend about £20 on a gift for an evening invite anyway.

Dancergirl · 15/04/2013 09:17

YABU

For goodness sake, they have said they don't want presents!!!! Most people, if budget allows, don't like to turn up to a wedding empty handed so they are trying to avoid being bought 20 toasters or whatever which is really wasteful.

I just don't get people who say they don't like gift lists or vouchers. It's NOT about the giver, it's about the recipient. I would much rather buy something they really want be it a voucher or one spoon from a list.

TomArchersSausage · 15/04/2013 09:19

I didn't realise it was a minefield though until I joined MNGrin.

I was blissfully ignorant of all this when we were married years ago. And yes I did a list(Shock) because people kept asking what we'd like. But vouchers would have been nice. Or nothing at all. We didn't mind we just wanted to have a nice day with friends and family.

If I were getting married now I'd be sitting there knowing I'd probably have unwittingly upset someone in the room.

In fact I think I'd just elope.

Dancergirl · 15/04/2013 09:19

And OP, you say you normally give something personal....suppose they HATE it and put it away in a drawer for years on end....?

ParadiseChick · 15/04/2013 09:21

Oh I hate this insistence that it's out of order to state this.

No, it's not.

People buy presents for weddings, no one here would turn up empty handed would they? So what's the point in handing over the tenth bottle of plonk or the fourth toaster? It's totally fine to say what would be most useful, considering everyone is going to get you something anyway.

mummybare · 15/04/2013 09:28

Errm, that's pretty much what we said... Blush

We were house-hunting at the time, so found it difficult to know what we would want/need and had nowhere to store anything. We also already had a reasonable amount of stuff. So we asked people not to buy us anything but that if people wanted to give something, vouchers would be useful. I can't remember how we worded it, but the emphasis was definitely on no need to get presents rather than the vouchers thing.

Some people still gave us lovely thoughtful presents, lots gave vouchers and lots gave nothing. We were grateful for what we received and did not expect any of it. Not sure what your problem is with the way it's worded really.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful · 15/04/2013 09:31

YABU

Normally I would make or give something very personal and small that I think they would like and would fit in with their home. I hate buying presents off lists and I hate giving vouchers too.

The idea of being given lots of little personal items to spread around the home is my idea of hell. We were given 4 money boxes for dd's naming ceremony, all beautiful but what the hell is one child meant to do with 4 of the bloomin things.

thermalsinapril · 15/04/2013 09:33

YANBU. It's presumptuous to mention gifts in an invitation, you wait until people ask. And any suggestions shouldn't be an expectation.

Saski · 15/04/2013 09:35

Ugh. You are NOT supposed to put ANYTHING about presents on the wedding invite.

The "no presents" thing is incredibly transparent, they were trying to find a polite way of asking for vouchers on their invite (there isn't one).

mybelovedmonster · 15/04/2013 09:38

This is one of those things that only seems an issue on MN. I've been to lots of weddings and most of the time they ask for vouchers or a contribution to their honeymoon - its always fine!

Saski · 15/04/2013 09:38

The normal way to do this is you make a wedding list, and the guests that WANT guidance on what to buy ask the close relatives of the bride and groom where they are registered, job done.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 15/04/2013 09:38

Maybe they think as they like you enough or at least know you well enough for them to invite you to their wedding then they could be slightly more straight talking than they would be if they lived in an Edwardian novel. If you want to turn up at somebody's wedding empty handed then do so, they said 'no presents please' after all. Personally when my friends have got married I've wanted to give them something they actually want rather than foist something 'personal' onto them.

Moomoomie · 15/04/2013 09:43

Brides and grooms can't do right for doing wrong at the moment.
when we got married 18 years ago we did not have a wedding list, some guests bought us some lovely presents, some guests gave us money or vouchers and some gave us nothing at all.
All was very greatly received and nothing was expected.
People like to take a present or give a monetary gift to an occasion.
There is nothing stopping you from making them a gift. I'm sure they will appreciate it.

TomArchersSausage · 15/04/2013 09:43

Yes agree mybelovedmonster(not an Eels fan by any chance are you?Smile)

It always amuses me how steamed up some people get about presents and gifts on MN.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/04/2013 09:43

YABU - they actually ask for no presents and I suspect this is what they'd prefer. But as a lot of people do like to get a wedding gift they have suggested vouchers which personally I think is quite a sensible idea in their circumstances. It doesn't stop you choosing something else but if everyone did that they'd probably be overwhelmed.

I'm not a fan of cash instead of gifts normally but the wording here is much less grabby than most cases.

Maggie111 · 15/04/2013 09:48

Yanbu - No one should write what presents they expect want in the invitation... Very rude!

Anyone who wants to know what to buy just needs to ASK. Presumably they know the couple well enough to do that or they wouldn't have been invited to the wedding in the first place. Everyone else who'd rather give a sentimental present etc etc can do so without feeling like they're violating someone's cheeky wishes.

Ignore what they wrote in the invitation OP and just give what the hell you like.

MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson · 15/04/2013 09:56

Hmmmm, well I have to say I prefer the way they asked for vouchers and the fact they asked for vouchers than the way some ask for cash with those cheesy shit poems about wanting money for a honeymoon.

My only hesitation with vouchers would be someone I vaguely know once asked for John Lewis ones for a wedding present, and then they went and spent the vouchers on a designer pram for their daughter, a handbag, and loads of clothes/make up. I do think wedding vouchers should be used to buy something for the home, rather than frivolous extravagances. If a couple want extravagances then they should have a cheaper wedding and fund things like that themselves. In my opinion.

SarahAndFuck · 15/04/2013 10:11

YABU.

They have said they don't want or expect any presents at all, but have offered a suggestion of what would be useful if someone did want to get them a gift anyway. And it was just a suggestion, they haven't even said 'John Lewis Vouchers Only' so you could still make your small decorative item and give it to them if you really want to.

As you say, they already have a home set up and so won't want or need a collection of toasters and towels, but might be able to put the vouchers together for one particular thing they don't have or would like to replace.

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