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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU in thinking that its greedy to ask for vouchers?

183 replies

ipswitch · 15/04/2013 08:26

just received an evening wedding invite, small do in a village hall, disco and buffet, grown up B and G, lived together 20 yrs and teenage children. Quite well off, 2 x holidays per year, 2 cars, both in good jobs , nice home. Invite says no presents please but if you want to give something John Lewis vouchers will be very useful.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is just rude and greedy?
It has really irritated me. And yes, they do have much more money than me.

Normally I would make or give something very personal and small that I think they would like and would fit in with their home. I hate buying presents off lists and I hate giving vouchers too.

OP posts:

YoniLovesChachi · 15/04/2013 16:30

I get that everyone likes to give something, and most will, but don't most people these days know not to buy a toaster? Wouldn't most people think 'I'll surprise them with cash or a voucher for a well known department store'?

Having said that, if a b&g were absolutely clear and insistent that they'd be embarrassed to accept anything from guests, then I would respect their wishes and not take them anything. I'm thoughtful like that

expatinscotland · 15/04/2013 16:31

'expat, but you never get no presents if you say no presents, you get random things instead. I've been to several 'no gifts' weddings and you still get a heaving table full of wrapped gifts. Asking for charity donations is also seen as bad form for a lot of older generations who get sniffy about being told where to donate their money too. '

Then re-gift it, give it to charity or get rid of it. Or ask for charity donations to the charity of the guest's choice.

andubelievedthat · 15/04/2013 16:35

Oh how i love the"no presents ,but if u insist a (very specific) J.Lewis voucher will do just fine !" a.k.a. "don"t even think of turning up without a J.Lewis voucher,you cheapskate!" 20 years together and doing alright ? gimmi gimmi gimmi !>more more more > give ,if u must, an argos voucher or a note saying you donated so much to charity> 20 years and it comes down to J.Lewis vouchers !(projectile vomit hits wall)

Stinkyminkymoo · 15/04/2013 16:35

YABU, and a bit rude I think.

I think it is rude to turn up at a wedding with no gift at all. If you were going to make them something then do, buy vouchers or get them nothing.

Sheesh, you're damned if you do & damned if you don't nowadays!

DontmindifIdo · 15/04/2013 16:37

Interestingly on here, you have lists of things that people have been bought randomly has anyone actually been bought anything as useful as a toaster when it wasn't on a wedding list? It's always stuff like decoration or the like. I've never known anyone in the last 20 years just go out and buy a happy couple some plain white bed linen, or a good quality frying pan, or a hoover. The general assumption being if you live together you don't need practical, every day things unless you ask for them, but that no one ever has enough photo frames and vases.

ChocolateCakePlease · 15/04/2013 16:38

YoniLovesChachi If dh and i had met and bought a house together and bought everything together in it then it wouldn't have bothered me. But in my case it was just something i wanted to do and as people wanted to buy a gift it was a good opportunity to choose things that would be ours. It was all a first for me.

Ragwort · 15/04/2013 16:42

I love 'no present' invites. I don't think it is rude not to take a gift, particularly when people have lived together for ever. I accept it if people clearly state 'no presents'.

That's what I have done for my wedding, DS's christening, significant birthdays etc. Most people respect the 'rule' - any crap gifts I am given go straight to the charity shop .

I do find it mildly irritating when people have hugely expensive weddings, have already lived together for ages and then ask for 'money for the honeymoon' - why not have a smaller wedding and pay for your own honeymoon ? - but that's probably because I am not really bothered about accepting wedding invitations.

ChocolateCakePlease · 15/04/2013 16:44

It does seem to be an English thing. The Americans relish in gift lists

expatinscotland · 15/04/2013 16:45

Then re-gift it, give it to charity or get rid of it. Or ask for charity donations to the charity of the guest's choice.

DontmindifIdo · 15/04/2013 16:47

Expat - that just seems such a waste of money! I know the people who got us random things we just go rid of did spend a lot - the leather tea tray alone was about £60, but I just gave it to charity, if we'd had £60 of John Lewis vouchers, or Debenhams vouchers or B&Q something else I'd actually use. It's fine really for us because we could afford to go out and get the stuff we needed and didn't get - but it does seem a pity that someone spent that money on such a waste, especially so if a couple know the person who's giving the gift can't afford to waste their money.

At least some people included gift reciepts so we could return things we didn't want, but most don't do that for weddings, and besides, I'd struggle to find anything to get with a credit note for "not on the high street" I'd give house room too...

OhDearNigel · 15/04/2013 16:47

I agree with you dontmind. "Please no gifts" weddings keeps the "small and personal gift" tat departments of Debenhams/M&S/Next going

MrsDeVere · 15/04/2013 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Owllady · 15/04/2013 16:50

I think my family would go into overload if they were asked to bring JL vouchers. They all live in former mining communities where the poshest shop is tesco express

ShadowStorm · 15/04/2013 16:52

YABU.

Most people like to give presents when they're wedding guests, and if the wedding invite includes a wedding list, or voucher suggestions, then you know that you'll be able to buy a gift that the bride and groom actually want (which I appreciate, as I find buying the suitable wedding present a nightmarish minefield otherwise). And in this case, the bride and groom have said that they'd be happy with nothing.

If you do decide to give them a small personal gift that you think they will like, I imagine that most brides & grooms would accept it happily (or at least pretend to), regardless of what they've said about vouchers or wedding lists.

Also, I think that providing a wedding list / voucher suggestion with the invite is much better than expecting guests to magically know that they're meant to ring the bride / groom / some other nominated person up in order to obtain a copy of the wedding list.

ChocHobNob · 15/04/2013 16:53

Yabu. I'd rather give a voucher than have to try and think of a gift ...

They have worded it correctly because they are not expecting gifts. Being asked what you want from everyone is a nightmare, especially when they don't take "we don't want presents" as an acceptable answer and want to give something.

If you were going to spend £10 or £20 or more on a present, just get the equivalent in vouchers instead.

Or get them nothing as they have accepted.

Viviennemary · 15/04/2013 16:56

Another thread about this. What happened to wait till you are asked before saying what you want. Even the smallest child knows this. Why are people so rude.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2013 16:56

It's not a waste, the charity got something out if it.

Please no gifts. Sounds simple enough to me.

I have been to second, or greater, weddings where they said No gifts and people went along and didn't bring gifts.

DontmindifIdo · 15/04/2013 16:59

expat - I find it very hard to believe the charity shop were able to shift a leather tea tray that couldn't get wet for anything close to what the bonkers but lovely kind gift giver paid. But then, I can't work out who's kitchen that would fit in...

tiggytape · 15/04/2013 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slug · 15/04/2013 17:01

We asked (if asked) for JL vouchers. We were in our 30's with everything we needed. However, I was pregnant and the washing machine was on the blink. We were quite explicit that they would be pooled to help us buy a washing machine. Even our friends who were poor at the time felt they could contribute a fiver, though we also said we weren't bothered about presents.

That one wedding present has only just given up the ghost.

edwardsmum11 · 15/04/2013 17:02

Can't see the issue tbh.

Molehillmountain · 15/04/2013 17:03

I think it's fine. They're acknowledging that gifts aren't needed/sought, therefore pleasing some posters who think wedding gifts have had their day. They are also helping those who would not feel comfortable going to a wedding celebration empty handed (which I wouldn't be fwiw) by saying something straightforward and as little or as much as you like to give. You could quibble that they might wait to be asked, which I understand. But if their suggestion came as part of a phone call, surely then it would be fine "what can we give x and y as a gift, x's mum?" "Ooh that's nice of you to ask. To be honest they've said they don't need any gifts". "But we want to give them something" "that's so kind. I know they'd really appreciate John Lewis vouchers-if you'd feel that was appropriate".

fudgeit · 15/04/2013 17:03

i don't want to be disrespecting the OP but when ppl post abt ppl they know, why observe the number of holidays and cars?

as for the post i think YABU as they made the gifting optional; you might want to consider how much you might be resenting them in general though.

Rosesandlemons · 15/04/2013 17:06

We didn't have a list or ask for gifts. Nearly every single guest asked us at some point for the list info or what we wanted. We were also comfortably off but people still wanted to buy us a gift. I think you are being unreasonable. In hindsight I would have included a list for those wanting to buy something. I don't really understand why you wouldn't want to buy them a gift, who cares if they waited 20 years to get married. The point is they are still getting married, it is a very special event.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2013 17:08

'expat - I find it very hard to believe the charity shop were able to shift a leather tea tray that couldn't get wet for anything close to what the bonkers but lovely kind gift giver paid. But then, I can't work out who's kitchen that would fit in...'

Then that's the guests' bad. If someone says No gifts, I respect their wishes.

That tray was probably re-gifted, anyhow.

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