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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU in thinking that its greedy to ask for vouchers?

183 replies

ipswitch · 15/04/2013 08:26

just received an evening wedding invite, small do in a village hall, disco and buffet, grown up B and G, lived together 20 yrs and teenage children. Quite well off, 2 x holidays per year, 2 cars, both in good jobs , nice home. Invite says no presents please but if you want to give something John Lewis vouchers will be very useful.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is just rude and greedy?
It has really irritated me. And yes, they do have much more money than me.

Normally I would make or give something very personal and small that I think they would like and would fit in with their home. I hate buying presents off lists and I hate giving vouchers too.

OP posts:
Startail · 15/04/2013 10:14

I love being asked for money, nice and simple.

DontmindifIdo · 15/04/2013 10:16

I'll tell you exactly why they have worded it like that, because they don't want to house a load of shit. they actually would have been happy with no gifts completely, but a lot of guests (myself included) don't like turning up empty handed to a wedding.

If you give no guidance, or even say "no gifts" people feel they have to give you something, so you end up with 10+ bottles of champagne (plus whatever you have still left over from engagement - we got over 20 bottles when we got engaged, DH can't stand the stuff), 3 or more vases, some random serving bowls that don't match the rest of your stuff, half of the "not on the high street" twee range and in our case, a black leather tea tray (which had to be polished, not cleaned), and some rice bowls (that as they can't go in the dishwasher, have been used twice in our 5 year marriage).

If they have lived together for 20 years they probably already have a house full of clutter and can't bear the idea they will have to house all this stuff that they don't really want. So by saying "no gifts, but if you must, vouchers" they are at least ensuring they give those who can't stand the idea of turning up empty handed the chance to bring something they know the B&G want without the B&G having to do a list, but then at least the B&G can get something they actually need with all the vouchers.

firesidechat · 15/04/2013 10:18

I don't find it rude and always prefer to be told what the bride and groom want. I would hate to get them something that they don't need or isn't their taste, that gets shut in a cupboard for the next 50 years. Lists and vouchers are so much easier.

But then I wouldn't go to a wedding without a gift and I am also quite chilled about these things. Most of the time I have bigger things to worry about.

thermalsinapril · 15/04/2013 10:19

If it's about not having "a house full of clutter" then why not ask for charity donations instead?

Pigsmummy · 15/04/2013 10:20

YABU.

bedmonster · 15/04/2013 10:26

Yes YABU. It is neither rude nor greedy. Sounds very much like you're trying really hard to be professionally offended. They haven't exclusively asked for vouchers. They have actually requested 'no presents please'.

It's a generally accepted custom that guests bring a gift to give to the bride and groom at their wedding. Traditionally the bride and groom wouldn't have lived together before their wedding day but this rarely happens these days. Does that mean that in your eyes, none of your friends getting married should receive presents?

I hate buying presents off lists and I hate giving vouchers too. So don't. It's optional.

Cravingdairy · 15/04/2013 10:28

MrsMangel I disagree, and I don't see how you can decide whether a Kitchenaid, say, or a massive TV is less of an extravagance than a pram.

VeganCow · 15/04/2013 10:31

YANBU. I HATE wedding lists. Really hate them. How rude to even mention presents.

They are well off so don't need a thing and would have been better thought of by their guests had they not even mentioned the subject and accepted with good grace whatever gifts people give them.

Owllady · 15/04/2013 10:36

I was 19 when i got married and we didn't have a wedding list either, I just don't understand them

My cousin had one and I couldn't afford anything off it Confused

specialsubject · 15/04/2013 10:37

YABU. You are being invited to a party and it is traditional and polite to take a gift. No-one will check if you don't want to, and they have given you the option.

I got exactly this wording after making the enquiry for a recent wedding. Sent them the vouchers, wedding was a great day and had really nice thank you card back. Restored my faith after the previous wedding when I never got a thank you.

Cravingdairy · 15/04/2013 10:45

Vegan You can't speak for all the guests. You can see from the thread that many of us prefer or have no problem with being given a steer in choosing presents. I reiterate that I want my gift recipients to like my presents not have to put up with them.

VeganCow · 15/04/2013 10:48

I agree with you, from the point of view of the guest. I prefer to buy presents i know will be appreciated. However, I still think its cheeky and presumptuous and rubs me up the wrong way.

thermalsinapril · 15/04/2013 11:02

You are being invited to a party and it is traditional and polite to take a gift

No-one is saying they wouldn't take a gift. It's about whether people appreciate being advised what they should bring, when they haven't even asked.

Saski · 15/04/2013 11:05

The bride is not forced to choose between 1. something "personal" to the gift giver (which is usually not great, I agree) OR 2. writing JOHN LEWIS VOUCHERS PLEASE across your wedding invite.

There's a tidy middle ground in the form of a wedding list - spread discretely, at the guest's prompting, by word of mouth.

MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson · 15/04/2013 11:06

Well that's a very good point Cravingdairy. Pram, maybe that is a sort of necessity, but handbags? clothes? I don't think wedding present vouchers should be spent on those things

sparechange · 15/04/2013 11:27

Saski There's a tidy middle ground in the form of a wedding list - spread discretely, at the guest's prompting, by word of mouth
Seriously? You are assuming that all the guests a) know each other b) meet up regularly to gossip about the couple?
Not to mention that to buy something off a list, you normally need as a minimum the name of the shop and a code number

Or in the real world, you put all the information relating to the wedding in one place, so that you don't have some Victorian dance of etiquette where the guests RSVP and ask for the gift list, and the couple then have to do some 'no way! You want to buy a present?! Well if you insist on it, we have a list here', which then requires another load of stamps and admin time

Lists and vouchers are great. You don't have to trek into a busy shop on a Saturday, you don't have to wrap it, or worry about leaving it in the car. The bride and groom don't have to arrange for someone to collect all the gifts from the venue afterwards, or worry about the tags falling off so they don't know who gave what.

UtterflyButterfly · 15/04/2013 11:41

I'd give them the benefit of the doubt. They have said no presents, but if you want to give something - which I would interpret as they really don't want anything but know some people would like to give something.

When DH and I got married (2nd time for both of us - 'mature' couple!), we said we didn't want anything but if people wanted to buy a little something we'd like a nice bottle of wine. Then for the next however-many weekends, we picked a bottle of wine and then decided what to cook for dinner that would go with it, and reported back to the person it came from. A couple of people gave us a whole case, which was nice Grin

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 15/04/2013 12:24

I had a list when I got married 14 years ago. It was a proper list with tea towels and everything. It wasn't sent with the invitations but given on request to people who asked for it. We got it in the neck from people who didn't understand why they had to make a special effort to phone to find out about the list and then those people who didn't know about the list, didn't think there was one and had to go shopping and find something suitable. Of the non list gifts we got there is one still in use. Photo albums, photo frames and champagne flutes have seeped out of the house over the subsequent years.

GobShizz · 15/04/2013 12:34

Jesus H Christ, half the people on this thread are being total sillyarses.

ChessieFL · 15/04/2013 12:37

The basic message here is that whatever you do, you cannot win and someone will be offended/put out!!!

DontmindifIdo · 15/04/2013 15:29

Chessie - yep - what everyone wants to do is buy whatever they want, but then expect people to be grateful for it and keep it even if it's not what they want/need/would give house room too. It's unlike any other 'event' where you get a gift you can just get rid because people feel you have to keep wedding gifts.

Generally, if there's no list and people know you have lived together before hand, you get either booze or nick nacks. Now, some people like nick nacks, and some people will buy booze that'll get drunk (rather than lots and lots of middle of the road champagne). But this couple obviously don't want stuff.

I still think it's sad that the "posh dinner service" (which had been a wedding gift) my parents had that came out for every dinner party, Christmas and special occasion through out my childhood etc my mum only replaced when she was in her 50s having being married over 20 years. She admitted she'd never liked it. But in the pre-specific wedding list days, you got stuff like that and were just expected to live with someone else's taste for your adult life. They couldn't afford to replace it with a full 'good' dinner service before then so every single special occasion they had these plates my mum hated.

Faced with that, I think the couple in question have done as well as can be, they are basically saying they don't want you to get them a gift. I think it's perfectly reasonable to say that. If you are detemined, they want vouchers so at least they'll get something they want. but are happy to get nothing. Why is that rude?

expatinscotland · 15/04/2013 15:33

Just decline.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2013 15:34

I don't get this trend. NO presents. We've lived together for ages, we have all we need. NO presents. Instead you get this, no presents, but yy to money and vouchers.

GobShizz · 15/04/2013 15:38

I got married recently for the first time - after living with my partner for two years. We've only ever lived in furnished/rented accommodation, and work has been tight the last couple of years, so all our stuff was crap from the landlords, and old towels and bedding that we hadn't been able to afford to replace. So, we had a list. One guest complained about the length of it. She got told not to bother in that case, as it wasn't compulsory, and it was just a list of things we'd like, and we'd be happy just to have her at the ceremony.

She was a good friend though, and If I thought the rest of our guests were even slightly as judgemental about it as some of the people on here are about this kind of thing, I'd have a) told them to fuck off, and b) disinvited them.

gordyslovesheep · 15/04/2013 15:42

Yabu we where in the same position and told people not to buy us presents ...people where insistant about wanting to get us something so we eventually asked for vouchers

People like giving ..most of them anyway!

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