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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that a 40 year old man dating a 21 year old is off?

216 replies

TheSeventhHorcrux · 14/04/2013 10:16

Which is what is happening with a friend from work.

She's a very young 21, at Uni, likes to drink, party, mess around and have lots of relationships. She works 6 hours a week at a cafe.

He's a mature 40, owns his own houses and runs his brothers very successful electronics business. He has never had a long term relationship.

AIBU to think its a bit odd for an older guy to be wanting a relationship with such a younger woman?

NOTE: I would never interfere and am not saying they SHOULDN'T date, just that I find it uncomfortable for some reason. I am asking what people think not for a lecture on whether I should be judging

OP posts:

thistlelicker · 15/04/2013 13:59

My dh is 8 years older and I met him online!!!! I suppose that's frowned upon too????

MrsCampbellBlack · 15/04/2013 14:01

Yes I agree with Thisisaeuphemism. And as I said earlier I'd worry about the younger partner missing out on a lot of stuff.

I guess in my ideal world my children get to have fun/build their careers/travel etc in their 20's and I wouldn't want them tied down that young - and that goes for whatever age their partner was.

Of course I know its their lifes and they won't do what I say

Thisisaeuphemism · 15/04/2013 14:02

Why? Many couples meet online. Not so many couples have twenty year age gaps.

IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat · 15/04/2013 17:18

There are so many generalisations and stereotypes on this thread from the people who find it creepy. I'll say again that a relationship is down to the personalities of the individuals involved.

In my circumstance our personalities are the following:

Me - much older brother (10 years) and sister (13 years) so I'd grown up talking to and playing with them and treated like an equal. When I met my now DH I felt like his equal too. I'd also become sexually active at 15 and found most guys my age a waste of time. When I met DH I thought he was younger, he thought I was older. I definitely did not miss out on any career opportunities and I'd had enough of mistakes with guys my age. At 18 all I wanted was to settle down.

I went away to university 3 hours away and we maintained a long distance relationship all that time - saw each other every weekend and holiday and spoke all the time.

DH - not a player. When he met me, he'd had 8 partners (I'd had more sexual partners than him). Most relationships were a year or too. His longest was his ex who had his two children (4 years). That ex was 13 years older than him. His ex prior to me was a couple of years younger than him. When he found out my age he was in turmoil as to whether we should pursue it as he thought I was too young. I was determined to keep him and convinced him to try.

I know some people will think I was manipulated, but trust me - I've met many a manipulative bastard and DH just isn't one. He adores me and I love him.

Yes, one day I may be his carer or be a widow too young, but I'd rather have those decades of happiness with him than be without him because of what might happen in the future.

MrsCampbellBlack · 15/04/2013 17:30

Incredible - its great its worked out for you. But your DH's worries when he realised your age is what would worry me and I think demonstrates what a decent person he is.

Also the fact you still went away to university and maintained the relationship is unusual no matter how old your partner is. And therefore shows how strong your relationship was.

I don't find big age gap relationships creepy unless its of the Hugh Heffner type gap - actually that's not true - I guess I do find it a bit odd when men/women go out with someone whose actually younger than their children but not sure anyone on this thread has done that.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 15/04/2013 17:52

THis is an interesting thread.

For me at this point it wouldn't be age that would be the issue - the deciding factor I reckon would be if someone was also a parent and what age their children were. This is a big leveller - jobs are too but I think kids even more so.

I think it might be very hard to be in a relationship with someone my age (42) who didn't have children. The cultural context of what bands we listened to and other things relevant to our early life would be totally irrelevant if he didn't understand the demands on my life that kids placed NOW. In that case - I could be much better suited to someone ten years younger (although I have no immediate toy boys in mind!!) SImilarly someone my age with MUCH older children than mine might feel quite a bit older than I was and again would have different priorities, different interests etc. It wouldn't feel 'natural' necessarily either.

So - I think a lot of whether you gel depends on where you are in life. And it does change over time. In the case of the OP those two probably feel footloose and fancy free. But the difference is that the younger one has A LOT of living to do yet...so it's quite risky for both of them if they don't have the same overall goals.

cory · 16/04/2013 10:38

ComposHat Mon 15-Apr-13 13:40:42
"I didn't say creepy cory that is solely your projection: I said not for me, but each to their own."

I never said you did. The phrase "creeped out" and similar phrases have been used by other posters on the thread- where did I ever claim they were you?

"You've managed to turn a light-hearted comment about the grange hill into an accusation of xenaphobia. Well done."

You've missed my point somewhat spectacularly! I was not referring to your comment about grange hill at all, merely pointing out that the cultural reference/shared experiences argument propounded by several posters (not you in particular!) doesn't hold water because that would work equally against cross-cultural relationships- but most of us would never criticise those because we recognise that that would be xenophobia.

MansView · 16/04/2013 13:17

lucky bastard

niceguy2 · 16/04/2013 13:22

lucky bastard

+1!

BlackholesAndRevelations · 16/04/2013 13:22

YABVU- my friend just married a man 20 years her senior and I've never seen her so blissfully happy!

onefewernow · 16/04/2013 13:40

Well, I admit I wouldn't be happy if it were my own daughter.

Someone else's- no interest to me.

Thisisaeuphemism · 16/04/2013 13:45

Why 'lucky bastard'? I don't get it.
Is a 21 year old better than a 31 year old? Is 20 years younger partner what people aspire to?

SofaCanary · 16/04/2013 13:53

I don't understand why a 21 year old is considered such a prize either.
How about 16, is that even better?

Thisisaeuphemism · 16/04/2013 13:56

High five sofacanary!

MansView · 16/04/2013 14:03

haha...well, even a 31 year old would do me...

but I've never looked into dating a 21 year old (would be too self conscious...) - but I'll ponder this one...

niceguy2 · 16/04/2013 14:18

Back when I was single, I did manage to bag a date with a 21yr old single mum. I was 35 at the time. Maybe a little more, i can't remember now.

Anyway, i remember pondering the same thing. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? I guess it all depends on what each wanted.

On our first 'date' it quickly became apparent to me that this was a young lady whom was desperately seeking security. She'd led a pretty tough life and was desperate to find some stability. And I guess she thought an older guy was more likely to provide it.

What was in it for me? Well to be perfectly honest, kudos. Bragging rights at the pub. And it's a bit of a confidence booster.

In the end I decided that I couldn't date her because in doing so I'd be taking advantage of her. I offered to be friends and she even stayed at my place (separate rooms) a few times. We still keep in touch and she still has a tendency to be a bit of a bum magnet and attracts the wrong types but that is because she has low self esteem issues and idiots pray on that.

chocoluvva · 16/04/2013 14:23

It's unusual for a reason...

specialsubject · 16/04/2013 14:40

she's 21. As long as she is not being coerced or forced, if she wants to shag a rich older bloke, why not?

they will either get bored and move on, or find they really like each other and stay together. So long as no-one catches anything or gets pregnant, where's the problem?

MansView · 16/04/2013 14:43

I saw a photograph on facebook the other week of a old rich overweight guy with a young sexy female model who were standing close to each other on a beach...

and it had a couple of captions - if you have a daughter, show them this photo to make them realise how important education is...

the other caption said - if you have a son, show them this photo to make them realise how important education is...

TheRealFellatio · 16/04/2013 14:48

I would find it pretty hard to see what they could possibly have in common and what either of them could see in the other, but then I've known plenty of couples who are the same and I've wondered the same things about them too!

boxershorts · 16/04/2013 15:03

among film stars its reasonable

Snorbs · 16/04/2013 15:59

if she wants to shag a rich older bloke, why not?

If she's shagging him because he's rich and spends lots of money on her isn't that effectively prostitution? Is that the kind of relationship you'd want your son or daughter to have? I wouldn't.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 16/04/2013 17:01

I think it depends entirely on the couple and their outlook on life.

A friend of mine married someone 20 years older than her and he has succeeded in alienating her from her old friends, hobbies, you name it, she now thinks and acts like him in pretty much every way possible. Now, it could be that he's just a controlling bully and age has nothing to do with it. However, this is someone I used to go clubbing with 10 years back, who went off travelling the world at 21, and now has less exciting hobbies than her parents (who incidentally are two years older than her DH). He has never tried 'her' things, she has always had to adapt to his ways, preferences etc. I often think she has more in common with her stepsons, who are just a couple of years younger than her...

The other sad thing that has happened is that he doesn't want more children, she does, and our whole friendship group is at the baby stage, most people just moving onto baby number two. Gradually, she has less and less in common with the rest of the group. Similarly, she has an almost baby boomer attitude to money as her DH bought and paid for their house before they got together - so she has none of the financial issues that many people have nowadays and again can't understand why other friends can't afford exotic holidays when she can.

I'm sure some of these relationships work out absolutely perfectly and good luck to those in them. There's a lot to think about though and not everyone likes being lectured by their friend's husband as if he were your dad (just my experience, not helped by the fact that he is extremely racist to boot).

niceguy2 · 17/04/2013 09:25

I would find it pretty hard to see what they could possibly have in common

Great sex?

shellbu · 17/04/2013 09:34

yabu they are both adults .

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