To think that a 40 year old man dating a 21 year old is off?

[TheSeventhHorcrux]

Which is what is happening with a friend from work.

She's a very young 21, at Uni, likes to drink, party, mess around and have lots of relationships. She works 6 hours a week at a cafe.

He's a mature 40, owns his own houses and runs his brothers very successful electronics business. He has never had a long term relationship.

AIBU to think its a bit odd for an older guy to be wanting a relationship with such a younger woman?

NOTE: I would never interfere and am not saying they SHOULDN'T date, just that I find it uncomfortable for some reason. I am asking what people think not for a lecture on whether I should be judging

I don't think you're rare either snorbs, I'd say you're pretty much the norm. All the men i know in their 40's are in relatiionships with women round about their own age. ( give or take 5 years )

I saw him first Mandragora.

I am going to throw caution to the winds and agree that it is odd. I wouldn't be uncomfortable with it because it's none of my business. But that is nearly two decades. A massive age gap in my opinion. I'd think she was off her head and he was an inadequate creep.

I completely agree that some people can do the age gap - I know a couple who do, but there is no denying the disadvantages.

The woman in question here is NOT one of these cases of a mature 21 year old. And she certainly has psychological issues that will no doubt be adversely affected by this relationship. She's recently moved away from home and the freedom has lead to some previously poor decisions.

I am not judging, I am concerned. And by being her closest friend and worrying about her emotional well-being I think that it isn't unreasonable for me to query it, as some people have stated.

She doesn't sound too different from me at 21, I liked to go out a lot and party, drink etc. I don't see why everyone is thinking about this relationship as a long term thing, I certainly didn't see any of my relationships as long term at that age.

But I did date quite a few men in their 40s - it was great to be taken out to places that your typical guy in his 20s wouldn't be able to, having a decent car/house, being whisked off to weekends away and learn about more adult things (things like politics and culture as well as in the bedroom!). I didn't ever feel exploited or as if there was a power imbalance - both parties always gained something from it.

I am happily settled with DH (a year older than me) now in my 30s but I definitely recommend to all young women to get around a bit and experience dating men of all different types and ages.

I like the 21 year old who commented on never having good relationships with men her age. Probably because at 21 you just haven't had the time to have that much experience!

It kind of repulses me, too. I went to Miami recently, and the number of 50+ year-olds with surgincally-altered twenty-somethings was mind-boggling.

I'm uncomfortable with men/women who actively seek out relationships with a much younger partner. I tend to think they are either looking for a trophy or someone who will do as they are told.

But nothing you have said indicates that is the case here. Not all relationships have to end in a marriage certificate. It's fine to just have some fun with someone. That may well be what is going on here.

And everyone gets to make poor decisions when they are in their early 20s, it's how you learn . What is more damaging is not being given the opportunity to make a few poor decisions.

The only thing that bothers me about big age gaps (in my mind that's 20 years or so), is the possibility of the older person dying far sooner than the younger. I've only started thinking this as I've aged. If dh were 20 odd years older than me now he'd be around 70 and whilst I know we have to face losing each other one day, I know I'd be worrying a lot about him popping his clogs and I honestly don't fancy finding another man and the thought of being without him for maybe years and years feels horrid. I couldn't be bothered with the thought of a second marriage because I'd be hard pressed to find a man like him again.

Sure, I could be run over by a bus tomorrow, get a life limiting illness and die well before him, but odds on if someone is 20 years older than their partner, they'll be dead long before.

My best friend divorced recently, she's 52 and is now living with a guy who is 30. She's sooo happy and I haven't rained on her parade except to say that if he wants kids (which he does), then she needs to stay sensible about how the relationship might develop.

Bundle of joy me. But probably due to some very tough life lessons about the fragility of life.

I'm not a misery guts (honest).

I don't think age is just a number. The 20-something would have different life experiences to the 40-something. I'm 50-ish and have a son in his early 20s. He talks about the 1980s as 'history'! When I speak to young men of that age I think of them as like my son. I just don't understand why anyone would want a relationship like that.

I think 40-something men who are interested in young 20-something women are either very immature or just looking for an attractive young woman and sex and I'd look down on them for that. Maybe the young woman is just attracted to a father figure.

Me and my now DH had a joint 21st (me) and 40th birthday party, I celebrated my 30th this year and laugh its his 50th next, I'm awake at this stupid time as I'm feeding my four week old dd. we're really really happy. Age is just a number.

Round -I can assure you I'm not a trophy tries to ignore size 18 figure and post baby wobbles and if anyone said I did what I was told my friend ad family would howl, I make nearly all big decisions in our house. :)

I agree re the disadvantages/issues. DH is only 13 years older but I will be 47 when he is 60 so either I will still be working for a while when he retires or we will have to make sure we have enough money for us both to retire. Of course the other is the age gap, if we died at the same age then 13 years on my own without him is an awful thought!

That is it for us though, no other problems, he looks young for his age and is very active with the kids etc. There is no difference personality wise either.

I can understand what you are saying though as you have explained it more - when I dated men in their 40s in my late teens/early 20's they were still going out clubbing etc and not really the sort of man I would have settled down with at all. I don't think I would have dated someone like the man you describe so I guess that is what makes the situation odd.

Is the different life experience thing so different from marrying somebody from a different culture?

When dh speaks of his early life experiences, it may not be history to me, but it is certainly geography.

Even more so for my brother who is married to a woman from the other side of the world, very different language, totally different culture, different political system etc etc.

So why does nobody wring their hands about us and yearn to protect us from this horrible incompatibility? Or decide we have to be inadequate creeps if we can't find somebody from our own culture?

I was in my teens and dating 40 something's. The only person I dated of my own age was horrible.

My husband is 10yrs+ older than me and I'm in my 20's.

There is a lot of gentle ribbing about his childhood being before I was born, but we didn't look at ages when getting together.

The problem isn't now but 20 years on.

I was 20 when I met my hubby, who was 31, 11 yrs older than me. 10 years on we are happily married with a son. It really is none of your business tbh.

I was that 21 yr old going with the 40 year old. It didn't work. there was a real generation gap, plus we were at different stages in our lives.

good luck to them though, if they can make it work...

My current partner is 10 years older than me, and we have been together for 23 years!

I think all of you complaining that there's 'something wrong' with men like this should remember that the men you are talking about are loved partners and fathers. The age gap under discussion is similar to that somebody very dear to me had. They were widowed a couple of years ago, much too young. How comforting for her and me to know that there's a good chunk of you out there thinking that her darling man made you 'uncomfortable' Judgemental much?
A relationship should be mutually supportive. Age is a number. Some people will be better human beings at 21 than others will manage in another 20 years. The contributions on this thread show that certainly.

Ragwort - please let your 'friend' know that you're no friend to her. What a nasty post.

Eye brows would be raised if it the other way around though wouldnt they? But it's ok for a man to do it, you only got to look at dating threads to see that these 40 year old men want women in there twentys and not a woman their own age, bit of a coveted trophy for them I feel. A ego boost..

I don't raise my eyebrows at anybody's age. Narrow minded bitching and ridiculous judgements, yes that has my eyebrows shooting skyward though.

Northern I don't think anyone is saying big age gap relationships can't work but to be honest if my niece who is 21 starting dating someone of 40 I would be slightly concerned. It is a big age gap expecially at that stage of someone's life when they're just starting out and I would personally worry that she'd miss out on exciting career opportunities etc if she was with someone who was at quite a different life stage.

No they're not saying it won't work. Just that they reserve the right to bitch about it. Which is what infuriates me.

Who cares! They are consenting adults enjoying each other
Company !!! Get over it !

AIBU to think its a bit odd for an older guy to be wanting a relationship with such a younger woman?

yeah, because that's so unusual!