To think that a 40 year old man dating a 21 year old is off?

[TheSeventhHorcrux]

Which is what is happening with a friend from work.

She's a very young 21, at Uni, likes to drink, party, mess around and have lots of relationships. She works 6 hours a week at a cafe.

He's a mature 40, owns his own houses and runs his brothers very successful electronics business. He has never had a long term relationship.

AIBU to think its a bit odd for an older guy to be wanting a relationship with such a younger woman?

NOTE: I would never interfere and am not saying they SHOULDN'T date, just that I find it uncomfortable for some reason. I am asking what people think not for a lecture on whether I should be judging

I just feel something about the balance of power might be a bit off. I wouldn't judge entirely based on age. But I think there can be certain issues which make people more likely to have relationships with a larger gap and that's what concerns me.

Doesn't mean it cannot work or is necessarily very unhealthy. But it could be. and so could plenty of same age relationships I guess.

I wouldn't see the age as a problem. But they don't sound terribly compatible.

settled, responsible, high level job, not much relationship experience meets relationship hopping drinking daft party animal?

I don't think that's a long term combination. It wouldn't be if there was a 40 year age gap or a 40 minute one!

My Dp is 44 & I'm 25 we have been together 7 years & still very much in love .
Don't think I could be with somebody my age

Men are nice and ripe in their 40s! She's a lucky lady.

Depends on the people but I think the 'age issue' is always the age and maturity of the younger person, rather than the gap.

So, I'd always be uncomfortable about a 16yo dating someone much older, also but a bit less so a 19yo but by about 23 I think people are generally grown up and experienced enough to be left to their own devices without a thought and by 26 you'd seem odd to be bothered. Some people aren't mature and worldly wise at 23 and some are at 20.

Having said that, as a rule of thumb, for what might be likely to work, I also think there's a lot in the 'half plus seven' rule, so for 40, that's 27.

YABVVVU

I'm 29, husband is 46. We've been together 11 years, married for 6 and have a 7 month old. We're very happy.

Age is a number. Providing that they are both consenting adults, their happiness will be down to their mesh of personalities, not by the date on their birth certificate.

There are obviously people for whom it works but my experience at 20 of dating a 36 yr old was that he wanted someone he could control and emotionally abuse. I used to say how wonderful it was to be with an older man but it really wasn't.

So no, I don't think you are being unreasonable to have a slight disquiet about it. But she may be one of those for whom it works out. Just be there for her as you would no doubt anyway.

Depends but you mention that she is a young 21 year old yes I do wonder what a 40 year old man would have in common I am sure it is a great boost for his ego

and the same the other way round

Dh is twelve years younger than me. We've been together 20 years.

And he has never had a long term relationship well at 40 that says it all I am sure she looks great on his arm

Hugh Hefner is 86 his wife 26 but hey it's only a number

Oh, to add, part of the 'age issue' is of course the maturity of the older person too, just that they are less likely to get hurt unexpectedly, so the 'issue' as far as concern for them goes, is generally with the younger person.

There's 17 years between partner and I (he's 41 I'm 24) and tbh have never felt like I was inferior to him because of age. However, I've always been quite mature and very independent as I was always expected to fend for myself when I was younger, and he seemed to stop aging at 30 both physically and mentally, so we tend to meet in the middle, lol. We do have our differences but that's due more our personality than age. And we have a kid with one on the way.
There was a couple at work (didn't last too long), he was 40 and she was 16/17. He was quite immature for his age but not enough to be going out with a girl so young. What made it worse was she had the mental age of a 12 year old girl (obsessed with JLS, pink stuff, glitter etc) which I thought was very strange. Needless to say, as soon as she was 18 and could go out drinking, meeting guys her own age she dropped him big time. It's ok though as his wife took him back (sense sarcasm).

I think you can't strictly base assumptions on just age, you have to look at each case individually. People say they don't notice the age gap at all between partner and I, but I've known couples with smaller age gaps and you notice the maturity different a lot more.

You find it uncomfortable you say. Oh poor you, how inconsiderate of them, they should definitely split up then.

DH was 38 when we met. (I was 22) He had never been in a long term relationship, in the sense of he'd never married/lived with someone. We've been married for 14 years now and have three DC.

He sounds like a nice man. Maybe she wants some stability and after years of responsibility this man wants some fun? Nothing wrong with it at all. Maybe they'll stay together or maybe it will fizzle out, but if they're both happy at the moment that's all that matters.

YABU

When I was 20 I had a 42 year old boyfriend. He looked younger, which isn't really the point. And he was young at heart too, but not a sleazebag or anything...his previous girlfriend had been his age.

We were pretty well matched - I liked classical music, opera etc (I was a music student) and he liked this kind of thing too, and had the money to do it, liked eating out, drinking nice wine etc, and at 20 years old that can be hard to find in a man of similar age.

It fizzled out and I broke up with him to move abroad and I was never going to marry him or anything but I don't think there is anything off about it at all. 21 is not a child or even a teen.

It's very hard to say. But if I think of the difference between me now and me at 20 or so, I think I'd be a bit creeped out by a man roughly my age who preferred a younger me in terms of life experience, independence and ability to stand up for myself - areas in which I've grown massively.

We were pretty well matched - I liked classical music, opera etc (I was a music student) and he liked this kind of thing too, and had the money to do it, liked eating out, drinking nice wine etc, and at 20 years old that can be hard to find in a man of similar age.

That's the problem with 20 year old men, most of them have trouble funding expensive lifestyles.

Every relationship depends on the individuals, not the ages. A young 21 could find a 25 year old intimidating.

LessMissAbs
"Well, I think you can tell a lot about a man by his choice of partner.
He is a man I probably wouldn't hold in high regard."

I think that that says more about you than him.

Each to their own... A friend of mine who was 26 ish dated a bloke who was 50 ish. She's a major exhibitionist and loves attention. She loved having an older man to look after her, who wouldn't I suppose. But, the relationship ran its course and it ended in tears. He couldn't hold her hand in public as he was embarrassed of the age gap,.. And even though, they loved each, they wanted different things. I think he's still a bachelor an my friend married a lovely guy, a few years older, can't remember..
Yes, maybe it seems odd, but who knows, it might be the real deal between them.. And good on them

Seems wrong to me..my DD's carer is 21 and she is mature, but I feel like her mum (am 41) and we are absolutely worlds apart in interests and outlook.

I just wonder what a couple have in common when there's a generation between them.

Not saying that age gap relationships can't work, it just wouldn't sit comfortably with me where one of the individuals could be a parent to the other. I would ponder the dynamics of the relationship.