To think that a 40 year old man dating a 21 year old is off?

[TheSeventhHorcrux]

Which is what is happening with a friend from work.

She's a very young 21, at Uni, likes to drink, party, mess around and have lots of relationships. She works 6 hours a week at a cafe.

He's a mature 40, owns his own houses and runs his brothers very successful electronics business. He has never had a long term relationship.

AIBU to think its a bit odd for an older guy to be wanting a relationship with such a younger woman?

NOTE: I would never interfere and am not saying they SHOULDN'T date, just that I find it uncomfortable for some reason. I am asking what people think not for a lecture on whether I should be judging

If my 21 year old son came home with a woman in her early 40's & announced her as his 'girlfriend' I'd be totally shocked & would probably laugh, I'd wonder what on earth she was doing with him & vice versa - & for those of you saying age doesn't matter, would you be happy if your 18 year old daughter married a man of 50 or 60? - I mean really happy & not think anything of it?

Dh's grandmother reacted precisely in this way, navada: she even refused to attend her daughter's wedding because she was marrying a man 17 years older than herself. It made no difference to the marriage - which lasted very happily for over 50 years- but damaged the mother and daughter relationship.

I was 18 when me and my partner got together. He was 34 so there is 16 years between us.

But to be fair we did not know each others ages straight away. I looked older and he has always looked younger.

He had a 12 year old son which was odd but not a problem for us as we got on OK though I never tried to be a "mum" figure to him. He has a mum.

This summer we will have been together 12 years. I am going to be 29 and he is going to be 45.

We are engaged, live together and have 2 children aged 7 and 2 (3 soon).

His son is now 22.

Age means nothing to us- actually don't even think about it usually.

As long as both are happy then that is all that matters

navada

Not saying I would be delighted if my daughters decided to be with someone much older than them. But at the end of the day as long as they are happy then that will be fine with me. You don't get to choose who your children end up with.

My mum was probably not delighted with the age gap between me and my partner but she never said anything negative about it.

I have always acted a lot older than my years so maybe it did not seem strange to anyone???

Oh, no-ones saying that such relationships don't exist, and that they don't work, but I can't help thinking all the advantages are for the man, and sorry for such very, very young girls that they are missing out on all those lovely young men, with experiences similar to their own, and all those natural mistakes that young men make. Older men can of course control what they do to a far greater extent. Who wouldn't, when there are such advantages in it for them.

In any event, with the history of both participants, I expect it won't last and this girl will dump this man before too long.

I can't see what a 40 year old has in common with a 21 year old, personally.

Christ, I am 31 and I can't imagine dating someone that young.

None of my business and all that, but still, I raise my eyebrows ever so slightly at an age gap like that but it hits a little close to home as my father married a 16 year old when he was in his mid 40's and she was the exact same age as me. They are divorced now.

Samu, can you see what a 21 who is into reading and opera and quiet evenings at home has in common with a 21yo who is into clubbing and drinking and popular music? Or should young people without ordinary young people's tastes simply not have relationships at all?

I didn't marry an older man, but I did marry a foreigner, which helped enormously with getting around the fact that I didn't have the tastes and experiences that most of his generation did: he knew from the start that I would be different, so he wasn't thrown by the fact that I knew nothing about the popular culture that was part of his upbringing. And I learnt to understand about his background in the same way as I learned to speak his language more fluently.

If I had married a young man from my own country, we would both have had to do a similar amount of adaptation, but we would have been less prepared for it.

I've known several relationships with similar age gaps. Only one has lasted past the younger partner's 25th birthday, and in that case the man is the younger partner and has always been very old for his age.

In my admittedly limited and second-hand experience, the relationship either starts unequal, or becomes unequal. In all but one case, the younger partner has simply grown up beyond the older, which proved fatal for the relationships, and they are all now with people far closer to their own ages.

A short term relationship with a very differently aged person wouldn't suffer that change.

If I thought a relationship was fun now but didn't have a future, I wouldn't interfere but probably wouldn't buy an expensive wedding present either and if I thought it was abusive the age difference wouldn't come into it.

We were pretty well matched - I liked classical music, opera etc (I was a music student) and he liked this kind of thing too, and had the money to do it, liked eating out, drinking nice wine etc, and at 20 years old that can be hard to find in a man of similar age

Nothing wrong with it in my book two consenting adults and all, but it seems slightly transactional - he gets a youthful bit of stuff dangling off his arm (I said ARM) and she gets to live a lifestyle beyond her means.

It wouldn't be my cup of tea, my test used to be, 'what's the theme tune to Grange Hill' and if they sung the new one they were too young for me. If they sung it would be fine.

Admittedly a great deal of my conversations revolve around trivia, but each to their own.

Ive got to be honest, if dd, 18, came home with a man in his late thirties, I would feel uncomfortable, Im not sure what Id say tbh. Under twenty is still v young imo.

So what do you do, Compos, if you are a young person with no knowledge or interest in popular trivia? Just stay celibate?

I was 21 when I met DH and he was 39 so similar gap. 18 years later still happily together. Shocked some people at first but they got used to it. Never picked an older man before and no 'dad' issues.

Come to think of it, I used to genuinely believe that I would have to stay celibate all my life because I couldn't live up to the expectations of what a young woman ought to be into.

No Cory I'd find it hard if my partner didn't share at least some of the cultural reference points and I'd find it hard talking across generations. I know not everyone would feel that way.

As it goes, I share a whole heap of fairly arcane interests with my partner that wouldn't necessarily be typical for people in their early 30s.

I wonder what effect dating someone that much older at that age also has on a person. I have a friend who at uni shocked everyone by dating a married man (who left his wife for her) who was 39 to her 19. That ended and so began a series of boyfriends of between 15 and 30 years older than herself. She has never had a boyfriend within 10 years of her own age, and is currently (at age 37) dating a pensioner who seriously looks as though he is about to peg it. Hes a nice person but I had to work hard to hide my shock when she introduced him. She is adamant she prefers older men because they are more mature, so fair dos to her, but I wonder what effect that first boyfriend had on her.

But people look for different things in relationships. Some people look for their equal, in terms of experience, others look for security and perhaps think an older man will be more likely to give it to them.

It is unusual though - more typical I think is of a younger friend I have through my sport, talking about a good looking guy of 29. Shes 23, and was saying she couldn't imagine herself dating him because he was so much older, and at a different place in his life to her.

Northern - it was my friend who made the comment to me, she now feels trapped in the role of carer and with hindsight, feels she should have been more aware of the long term implications of such a big age gap.

I don't think people want to bitch or be 'unkind' about people in relationships with big age gaps but whilst lots of people are coming on here and saying 'it works for us' (in which case, great), there are clearly lots of cases where it doesn't work.

Is it wrong to discuss this or is it to be yet one more of the subjects we are not allowed to discuss on Mumsnet?

Did she tell you so you could on the internet about her being the OW and him now needing care?

Of course this topic can be discussed. Just expect some strong views and that your views will be challenged. Plenty has been said about how 'weird' this scenario is but I haven't accused those posters of choking off discussion.

i am in a relationship with a man 16 years older than me; he's 57 & I'm 41.
Interestingly, i knew him 15 years ago. I fancied him madly then, but we both knew that a relationship back then just wouldn't have worked - me at 25 & him at 41.
now though we are both at a similar point in our lives, and the relationship works well.

eh, they're adults, they can do what they like. i get weird looks because i'm 24 (no kids) and my partner is 32, divorced with 3 kids. we're happy, we're both adults, so it's nobody elses business.

Where you have big age gaps it normall means that the younger person will outlive their partner by a long way, couple that with the fact that generally women live longer than men (say 5 years) you could have 25 years without your partner with the scenario in the OP.

My aunt is in her late 60s and my uncle in his late 80s, they have not been able to do all the things she would like to do for the last 10 years ago due to his ill health and she is likely to outlive him by a long time.

At the end of the day if they seem happy together then what is the problem, I think there is a big difference with 21 and 40 and say 16 and 35.

I'm just wondering if one of the reasons MIL was attracted to FIL was that she had been an evacuee during the war, so didn't share the experiences of the rest of her generation and couldn't live up to their expectations of cultural framework and references. Maybe it was easier for her to get on with an older man who had already been an adult before the war started, so his whole life hadn't been shaped by it in the way the younger generation's had. Just speculating, of course, but I know MIL felt very much the odd one out when she got back to England.

Personally, of course, I feel awkward when people say there is something wrong or creepy in being with someone who doesn't share the same cultural reference points, because I am a foreigner. My reference points are different anyway and would have been even if I had been totally typical of my generation in my culture.

As for my SIL, from mainland China, I can hardly think the strength in her marriage is the number of cultural reference points shared with my brother.

redadmirals - I was 25 when I met DH who was 38 so not a dissimilar age gap. We felt it was the right time to meet. I got married 1st time as 22 and it didn't last even 3 years. If I had met DH first then he would have been more interested in travelling etc so it wouldn't have worked. It was the perfect time for us so I know exactly what you mean.

Ragwort yes your friend maybe should have thought about the longer term situation but maybe she loved/loves him - she does not deserved to be laughed at. Either partner could end up a carer regardless of who's the eldest - its sad not funny.

Wonder if people spend an equal amount of time going: "Ewww, they're from different countries. I could never be with somebody who didn't share my cultural references. Perhaps it's just me, but I think that's creepy."

I don't think cultural references is what makes some people uneasy about relationships with large age gaps.
it can sometimes look like a power imbalance when someone barely an adult pairs up with someone much older. Not always of course.

I didn't say creepy cory that is solely your projection: I said not for me, but each to their own.

You've managed to turn a light-hearted comment about the grange hill into an accusation of xenaphobia. Well done.