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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a 40 year old man dating a 21 year old is off?

216 replies

TheSeventhHorcrux · 14/04/2013 10:16

Which is what is happening with a friend from work.

She's a very young 21, at Uni, likes to drink, party, mess around and have lots of relationships. She works 6 hours a week at a cafe.

He's a mature 40, owns his own houses and runs his brothers very successful electronics business. He has never had a long term relationship.

AIBU to think its a bit odd for an older guy to be wanting a relationship with such a younger woman?

NOTE: I would never interfere and am not saying they SHOULDN'T date, just that I find it uncomfortable for some reason. I am asking what people think not for a lecture on whether I should be judging Grin

OP posts:
navada · 14/04/2013 12:42

I'm just remembering back to when I was 21 - a man of 40 would have seemed old & decrepit & so 'uncool' Grin - I'd have been embarrased to be seen with him to be honest, I'm 50 now & the thought of dating a man of 70 conjures up the same feelings - but we're all different.

HeadfirstForHalos · 14/04/2013 12:46

A friend of mine is 35 and engaged to a 74 year old man. They are the happiest couple I know, and there is no power imbalance in the relationship. He didn't "seek" her out either, it's a long story but let's just say fate pushed them together :)

My own dh is 16 years older than me. We've been together for 16 years, married for 12 and have 4 dc. I never could stand "boys" my age when I was younger.

Laquila · 14/04/2013 12:50

Everybody's different. I can't see any reason for you to feel uncomfortable about it unless he's abusive/controlling, or she has some sort of deep-sealed psychological issues or Oedipus complex, and nothing in your OP indicates that this is the case.

I think age gaps can be more of an issues at different times of life - for example I've never seen an 18yr old male/ 25yr old female relationship that worked, because at that point, a lot of 18yr old males are still very immature whilst many 25yr old females might be starting to think a bout settling down and wanting more.

I will stress again though that's everybody's different, and I really can't see from your OP what there is to be uncomfortable about.

cory · 14/04/2013 14:16

Some of the happiest relationships I have known have been with this kind of age gap, including that of my PIL's. The key thing I think is what HeadFirst said about power imbalance. There wasn't one between my PILs because she was a very strong mature woman and he was a very adaptable man.

VelvetSpoon · 14/04/2013 14:22

It very much depends on the couple, as has been said.

I dated a man 20 years older than me when I was 24. I thought it was great at the time, looking back on it now I see how completely inappropriate it was, because he was in essence my boss at work. Also I was a VERY naive 24 year old (so really probably more like 16 or 17 emotionally, even though I was very intelligent, had a good job etc). He pursued me, despite that being blindingly obvious. He should have known better.

I look know at men in their 40s I work with, and girls in their 20s (particularly the slightly 'fluffy' immature ones) and can't imagine them together - and now see why people found the idea of me and that older man so strange.

DeskPlanner · 14/04/2013 14:39

YABU and should not judge consenting adults.

sarahtigh · 14/04/2013 14:45

when my parents married my dad was 43 my mother almost 21 they are just about to celebrate 46 years of marriage, they have always been very happy together, it gave my sisters and I a very secure childhood have other issues with parents but that is not one of them

though my mother had been working 3 years, I was born about 11 months later

expatinscotland · 14/04/2013 14:48

YABU. What's it to you? They're adults.

countrykitten · 14/04/2013 18:41

One of DH's work colleagues has just walked out on his wife and three children for a girl of 20 - he is 50.

Judge? Absolutely.

TBH - even if he was a single man I would feel uncomfortable about this kind of age difference - I can't help but think that men like him are a inadequate and possibly afraid of grown up women.

Ragwort · 14/04/2013 18:48

It's odd that the age difference is usually between older men and younger women, doesn't happen much the other way round does it?

My friend married someone 25 years older than her (yes ......... he left his first wife & child for the 'younger woman') she has now ended up as his carer, she is in her prime and he is very elderly and needing a lot of care Grin.

I agree with countrykitten, I would find it strange that a man can't form a relationship with someone nearer his own age.

simplesusan · 14/04/2013 19:14

It wouldn't be my cup of tea, but each to their own.

I seriously couldn't imagine myself with a man in his mid 60s, sorry but that repulses me. I guess it depends on how you are yourself. A lot of women in this situation look and act a lot older than they are, and perhaps sacrifice the sexual attraction side of a relationship in favour of something else.
Having said that a man is still active in his 40s,. What I'm trying to say is that for myself I feel as/if not more, sexually needy now than I was at 20. I just cannot imagine a man in his 60s being that great.

Snorbs · 14/04/2013 19:16

I'm a man in my early 40s and I work in a university where there are thousands of 21yo women. I do not see them as people I would consider having a relationship with as, at fully half my age, they're just way too young. It would be creepy.

Kiwiinkits · 14/04/2013 19:29

Snorbs I suspect you might be quite rare amongst your male colleagues!

I would judge the boyfriend a bit too. A basic condition for a respectful relationship is a balance of power. I don't think someone in his 40s is going to feel that a 21 yo has equal power. Sounds like they're not looking to settle down though, so, meh.

That said, a lot of men aren't that mature until they're well into their 30s. Which is why in my 20s I avoided 20-something men and went for the 30s category. DH was 37 when I met him and perfectly formed. I am quite glad I didn't meet him in his twenties because I'm quite sure I would have thought he was a tosser!

Almostfifty · 14/04/2013 19:35

It'll all be absolutely fine till twenty years down the line. You just have to look at the posts in relationships to realise that.

CautionaryWhale · 14/04/2013 19:59

My DH has just told me 'divide by two and add seven'!!! Confused Grin
This would mean a 27 year old would be acceptable and a 21 year old six years out... so if I was a milf/cougar as opposed to being me then I could have a 27 year old toy boy with his blessing Wink
Ach tis just numbers - but my DH has always claimed he wouldn't want a young wee slip of a thing as they would have nothing to talk about after doing all the dirty stuff
Hmm what have we talked about today? Paolo di cannio, which country has the most recent economic growth, whether my waters had broke or had I just pissed myself, why minigolf sucks, whether the vitriol towards Thatcher was OTT or completely understandable and whether Britain could start making things again at what cost.
Not exactly glam or rivetting huh?!

I am 41 - the idea of a DP being born in 1991 is a bit mindblowing tbh but each to their own. Maybe we wouldn't be doing much talking!

CautionaryWhale · 14/04/2013 20:03

The thing is I would have to explain all my crap jokes and probably every frame of reference pre 91... don't really fancy doing Do you remember Spangles? Oh.... every 5 minutes.

LackaDAISYcal · 14/04/2013 20:19

I've just told DH that a 29 yesr old toy boy would do me (I'm 44) and he replied "but would you do him?" And he didn't mean "do him" in the biblical sense. Cheeky bugger Grin

issypiggle · 14/04/2013 20:21

i don't think it's a problem, but then theres a huge age gap between me and dp, and i'm 24.

simplesusan · 14/04/2013 20:22

I think in a long term relationship there could be generation issues.

A friend of ours who was mid 40s met a woman half his age, they had a child and it all fell apart. Although it could have gone wrong anyway, a lot of their problems were down to him being brought up by a genaration where a woman stayed at home and did the majority of the housework. His partner otoh had a single, working parent so her ideas were very different to how home life should be. There was always a tension when we talked about "the old times" as his partner wasn't of that era too.
I suppose they had nothing in common.

CloudsAndTrees · 14/04/2013 20:26

Why do you sound like you are judging him more than her?

You have no reason to judge them, but if you are going to, then at least o it equally. What she is doing is exactly the same as what he is doing.

MrsMelons · 14/04/2013 20:34

I have always dated older men from when I was 15/16 and never found younger men attractive. From 17 I found men in their late 30's/40's more attractive and have never really changed - I have no idea why really. DH is 13 years old than me so I was 27 when he turned 40.

If they are happy it really isn't an issue and it will or won't work out. It wouldn't bother me if it was a friend dating an older man but I do wonder how I would feel if I had a daughter who liked older men.

LayMizzRarb · 14/04/2013 20:34

Why does it matter if you are 'uncomfortable' with this relationship? You are not in the relationship, and it is not causing you harm. Even if one of them were your son/daughter it would be none of your business. You are being vicarious.

Elderwand · 14/04/2013 20:34

17 years between me and DH still very much in love! :)

Snorbs · 14/04/2013 21:04

Kiwiinkits, I really don't think I am that rare. Among my immediate colleagues I'm the only single one. Everyone else is either married to, or in a long-term relationship with, a woman of more-or-less the same age.

I have heard rumours of one guy who used to work there and who had a couple of relationships with students while he had considerably older than them. Those rumours were always recounted with uncomplimentary suggestions of why he couldn't manage relationships with women of his own age.

MandragoraWurzelstock · 14/04/2013 21:17

Oh God, Snorbs, don't say you're single. I've been waiting 6 years for one of the mumsnet men to be single. I never knew! Wink

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