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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my 10yr old to be in bed by midnight on a sleepover?

223 replies

Dotty342kids · 09/04/2013 18:17

So, last night my (only just) 10yr old son went to a friend's for a sleepover. Mum is sort of a friend of mine - I like her a lot but her parenting style.... well it's not the same as mine, let's put it that way!
Anyway, she FB'd me last night, just before 10 to say that boys had been watching footie with her. I wasn't thrilled as my DS is normally asleep by 8.30 as he can't cope with being tired at all, but I figured that football must be nearly over so they'd be going to bed shortly, and it is a sleepover after all!
Drop his trainers off there so he can play footie with friend this morning to be told by mum that she had been tired so had left them in lounge (where they were sleeping) for the end of footie and her son had told her they were going to watch Casino Royale next!!! And she thought she'd heard voices at about 1am. 1 fricking am!!!
I looked mildly aghast at her and smilingly said how shattered he'd be later today which might be an issue as he has swimming training tonight but she didn't seem even slightly bothered by this.
When I collected him at 4.00 as agreed he looked tired, unsurprisingly, and since getting home has managed to eat tea and has now retired to the sofa under a blanket - unheard of for him so he must be exhausted.
I've just messaged her to let her know this so that she's aware of the impact but I'm just so cross.
Don't know what to do in future as they're quite good mates and are bound to want to stay at each other's houses again. I'm cross that not only were they up till gone midnight, but that it was also unsupervised - they could have got up to anything downstairs whilst she was asleep! Apparently her DS suggested to mine, AFTER watching the film so it must have been gone midnight by this time, that they play FIFA on the playstation but, thank goodness, my DS said no to this.

So, AIBU to be cross about this and how on earth do I nicely get her to not allow this to happen next time there's a sleepover?

OP posts:
macdoodle · 10/04/2013 09:50

Maybe its because their parents let a very generous host "know the.consequences" if I got such a text after keeping a sleepover child till 4pm I would think you.ungrateful cow and there would be.no further invites.

Sparklingbrook · 10/04/2013 09:52

YY a sleepover til 4pm. Shock

I would love 'impact Mum' to start a thread......

dadofnone · 10/04/2013 09:52

To follow on from my post, if I had a passive aggressive text from a mum like that I would be saying to my DH that she could get to fuck and don't bothers sending her kid round again after I have given them a fun time!

TigOldBitties · 10/04/2013 09:56

Some people need to get a grip. I've never had a child ill from staying up, they're just tired. They normally fall asleep in front of the tv, its a bit different to being hungover or on a massive come down.

What do you do on NYE, parties at the house, or special events? Staying up for those is just the same as being up for a sleepover. My children aren't massive sleepers although neither am I, but I think even the sleepiest of children can enjoy a late night or all-nighter every now and again.

They're kids, their primary aims should be to have fun and make it to adulthood. I think theres nothing better than them having a really fun night. They get so much homework nowadays and everything is a lot more regimented, they should have nights where they sneak round and get up to all sorts, thats what being young is about. Also just for the record, my eldest is 21, nearly 22, he is yet to develop a horrendous drug or alcohol problem because I let him have a few wild sleepovers.

fromparistoberlin · 10/04/2013 09:58

so what? I mean really, I think you should have let it lie, not been so precious and NOt sent a text to be honest

thebody · 10/04/2013 09:59

Agree tig. Op you risk making your son a bit of a laughing stock if you keep this up. If you had messaged me I would have been seriously pissed off after laughing.

Scholes34 · 10/04/2013 10:16

No sleepovers allowed if there's something important taking place the next day, where a good night's sleep is needed, such as a football match. DS1 manages a sleepover and getting up for a paper-round at 7.00 am, though he usually retires to his bed for the rest of the morning.

We now accept that sleepovers mean little or no sleep for DCs (12, 14 and 15), but they know that complaining about being tired and being ratty is not acceptable and a sleepover is always followed by an early night the next day - and they never seem to complain about that.

dadofnone · 10/04/2013 10:21

Dotty, it's not about letting them eat what they want, watch what they want etc. ok I don't get the carrot sticks and hummus out - I do let them have a few treats. My kids don't have a tv in their room but I do let them sleep in the play room or the middle room as it is an 'adventure', something that doesn't happen everyday of the week or every week for that matter.
Like I said earlier they aren't doing any harm, just talking random shit. And yes, they are often tired the next day but it isn't a life or death thing.
They will remember the fun of the sleepover and forget being tired. A bit like the rest of us when we have had a god night with mates.

Please get your head out of your ass and relax a bit. You are awfully uptight about this.

KellyElly · 10/04/2013 10:33

At 10 I would be ok with them still being up chatting at 12 in their bedroom. I wouldn't want them roaming all over the house. For those who say kids are still up at 4am, well call me uptight but that is just too late at that age.

dadofnone · 10/04/2013 10:36

I haven't known a 10 year old up at 4am! They normall talk themselves to sleep and I've had years of sleepovers! The most I've had at once is z6 of them. Never again. 3 is enough!

laptopwieldingharpy · 10/04/2013 10:38

Oh Dotty, take a deep breath!

DH and I are usually VERY uptight but honestly sleepovers are a license to let your hair down!

Mine have free reign to make a den in TV room (sleeping bags, blankets, pillows, teddy bears, princesses?.everything on the floor basically) and no "official" bed time.

As said above they have to be dined, showered and within allocated room boundaries by 9pm. we come in for a tickling match and a stern look and then let them be.

Apart from that, its a bit like camping at home. You only sleep with one eye really, there is too much fun to be had in such a short time.trips to the kitchen for popcorn and water OK. usually by 1am they all pass out?.only to be awake at the crack of dawn to make the most of it.
Can you blame them?
Well as long as they can go down and get their cereals until the sun actually comes up!

ON DS's last sleepover, they put shaving foam on dd's hand and tickled her nose to see if the pavlov reflex would work. And it did. And everyone had a good laugh. And end of story. all in bed by 7:30 the following night to all the parent's delight.
Sigh?.

cheer up!

lljkk · 10/04/2013 10:45

I've been physically sick from sleep deprivation, DD too. Maybe just us, but then ours seems to be the only family on MN that suffers jetlag, it's a myth for all others I guess. DC are normally ratty on a good day, I don't need them hysterical & vomiting too.

I go to bed early on NYE! I think it's a completely pointless custom to stay up for it. Hate compulsory holidays.

This thread is good for helping me understand how others tick: I will definitely assume that all Sleepover invites in future are actually WakeOvers and to say No unless DC can afford 2 days out of regular life afterwards.

shellbu · 10/04/2013 10:53

yabu my 2 had 6 friends sleepover,i went to bed and left them to it they were still awake when i got up at 7.30 the next morning , but they were all happy and went to bed earlier than normal that night so no major harm done , its a sleep over , its the holidays , sounds like you rule with a rod of iron , bet he loved sleeping out and having fun .

Oblomov · 10/04/2013 10:55

Am surprised about how uptight some people are. But there you go.

lljkk · 10/04/2013 11:08

I'm surprised how lackadaisical some of you are! Especially on MN where a single slap on a toddler's bottom gets labeled common assault & there are fierce debates over whether a competently swimming 8yo can go without parent into a pool supervised by qualified lifeguards.

But there you are, indeed.

NameThatTuna · 10/04/2013 11:17

When I was a kid, I used to go to sleepovers at my best friends house. We used to have midnight feasts and sit a chatter until silly o'clock. It was fun and only happened occasionally. It was never a problem for my parents or her parents.

I recently had DD's (8) friend sleepover, they were too excited to be going to bed by a certain time. They were enjoying it. They only thing I objected to was being woken up by a fashion show at 1.30am Hmm Grin

I know her parents well, they've had DD to sleep at theirs, they do similar there and they don't have a problem with it.

I would say YANBU if it was a school night, but if not YABU and a bit precious!

NynaevesSister · 10/04/2013 11:46

I will definitely assume that all Sleepover invites in future are actually WakeOvers and to say No unless DC can afford 2 days out of regular life afterwards.

Now you get it! That's what everyone else does. OK not the two days bit but whatever it is their child needs. Your child needs two days then a sleepover during holidays is best. My son is similar so we go for the same. But all kids are different. Yours gets physically sick. Most do not. I would talk to the other parent and let them know. Any sane person will understand. If your DD came on a sleepover here then I would do more to make sure they went to sleep earlier. I'd think it rude if you didn't let me know and I found out later that she had been physically sick!

Fairylea · 10/04/2013 13:24

I'm really surprised that some people seem to expect children to actually sleep on a sleepover! ... I am of the variety that thinks it's all a bit of a party and I'd just expect dd to stay up all night chatting and sleep and crash out the next day. It wouldn't even occur to me to apologise for dc not sleeping when a mum came to pick them up - I'd expect they'd know that would happen!

For what it's worth I did regularly suggest (in a nice way) that dd and her friends should try to sleep on her non sleeping sleepover... but you can't make a group of 4 or whatever 9/10 year olds sleep. You just do your best to make sure they are safe etc and leave them to enjoy themselves.

DoctorAnge · 10/04/2013 18:43

DD sleepovers end up carrying on until about 10.30 they are all 6 though. That's plenty of time for high jinks and fun IMO. They still need to rest.
She wouldn't even dream of being with a family set up where 4 am on a trampoline was acceptable so that will never arise.

Plumsofgold · 10/04/2013 19:01

My dd's are 5 and 7 and they love sleep but thy are always up till atleast 1am when they have their cousin to stay. They are up by 9am the next day and have loads of energy. I not see it as a problem as its only one day every few months

Yabu

crashdoll · 10/04/2013 19:40

"Especially on MN where a single slap on a toddler's bottom gets labeled common assault"

Yes because that is totally relevant. Hmm Last time I checked sleepovers were fun and punishment was not. Plus, it's not great form to drag stuff from other threads especially where opinion was divided and label MN as something.

Coconutty · 10/04/2013 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

halcyondays · 10/04/2013 20:56

Yabu, it was a sleepover, what did you expect? They will be tired the next day but it's hardly the end of the world.

LadyMountbatten · 10/04/2013 20:57

Yabu

cory · 10/04/2013 22:06

Dotty342kids Wed 10-Apr-13 08:18:20
"I guess I just feel uncomfortable with children of that age using the kitchen, late at night, with no conscious adult around should they happen to injure themselves in some way (burn on a hot toaster or various other minor things really). "

If this was really a concern, why not simply tell your ds what he is allowed to do and not to do in the kitchen? Surely at 10, he is old enough to understand?

Personally, I was perfectly happy for my 10yo to make toast and tea in the afternoons when no adult was in the house at all. At 10, I reckoned the chances of him burning himself on the kettle were about equal to the chances of my burning myself, and there was nothing I could do to deal with a burn that I hadn't equally taught him to do.

In fact, at 11 ds was once the only other person on the scene when somebody considerably older injured themselves badly enough to need an ambulance. He did exactly what I would have done had I been there: kept the injured person warm and reassured and rang for that ambulance.

Pre-teens are not babies.

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