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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my 10yr old to be in bed by midnight on a sleepover?

223 replies

Dotty342kids · 09/04/2013 18:17

So, last night my (only just) 10yr old son went to a friend's for a sleepover. Mum is sort of a friend of mine - I like her a lot but her parenting style.... well it's not the same as mine, let's put it that way!
Anyway, she FB'd me last night, just before 10 to say that boys had been watching footie with her. I wasn't thrilled as my DS is normally asleep by 8.30 as he can't cope with being tired at all, but I figured that football must be nearly over so they'd be going to bed shortly, and it is a sleepover after all!
Drop his trainers off there so he can play footie with friend this morning to be told by mum that she had been tired so had left them in lounge (where they were sleeping) for the end of footie and her son had told her they were going to watch Casino Royale next!!! And she thought she'd heard voices at about 1am. 1 fricking am!!!
I looked mildly aghast at her and smilingly said how shattered he'd be later today which might be an issue as he has swimming training tonight but she didn't seem even slightly bothered by this.
When I collected him at 4.00 as agreed he looked tired, unsurprisingly, and since getting home has managed to eat tea and has now retired to the sofa under a blanket - unheard of for him so he must be exhausted.
I've just messaged her to let her know this so that she's aware of the impact but I'm just so cross.
Don't know what to do in future as they're quite good mates and are bound to want to stay at each other's houses again. I'm cross that not only were they up till gone midnight, but that it was also unsupervised - they could have got up to anything downstairs whilst she was asleep! Apparently her DS suggested to mine, AFTER watching the film so it must have been gone midnight by this time, that they play FIFA on the playstation but, thank goodness, my DS said no to this.

So, AIBU to be cross about this and how on earth do I nicely get her to not allow this to happen next time there's a sleepover?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dotty342kids · 10/04/2013 08:18

I guess I just feel uncomfortable with children of that age using the kitchen, late at night, with no conscious adult around should they happen to injure themselves in some way (burn on a hot toaster or various other minor things really). Plus, I know I couldn't sleep happily if I knew someone else's child was still awake and wandering about.
The TV was also a concern, they'd planned to watch a film (and I wasn't thrilled about the choice of that either but can't dictate these things!) but it's easy for when the film ends, for the tv to then kick in and at that time of night I think we all know there can be some pretty inapproriate, for 10yr olds, programmes on..
Anyway, thanks to those of you who see it similarly to me - glad I'm not completely on my own in this. And thanks also to this who've opened my eyes to a whole other world of "non sleepovers" Grin

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 10/04/2013 08:26

There seems to be a difference between how people use the word 'sleepover' and what that means.

To me, a sleepover is a friend over for tea, whatever, then bed - at a slightly, but not significantly, later hour than normal.

However the general use of the term seems to be a late/all night party, which obviously has different rules.

Personally I think my 10yo is too young for late/all night parties, so we don't have them.
Neither has he attended any, due to the fact that none of his friends have had them either.

He has only actually had 1sleepover here, in the Christmas holiday, which was reciprocated at half term, and is having the same boy over tonight.
He has had a couple more at his dads, as part of a birthday treat, since he was 7 or 8.
DS2 (7) had one for his 7th at his dads but hasn't had any here.

exoticfruits · 10/04/2013 08:28

Any child of that age is going to be too excited to sleep. You get the same if you take a party away- it takes ages to settle. After the first night they get into a routine. Tire them out first is the answer- a 10 mile hike!

sherazade · 10/04/2013 08:39

sprakle i really don't get it either and was starting to wonder whether I am dreadfully unreasonable to think that an all night party for 10 yo's was ridiclous and wrong if it meant they were eating themselves sick and shaky/lethargic the next day. Thank goodness my children won't be doing any all night bingeing and watching unsupervised 2am telly fests sleepovers, apart from at relatives who have the same parenting style as me .

Sparklingbrook · 10/04/2013 08:40

I honestly think once in a while it's fine. Especially in the school holidays. I really don't mind. I am glad that he gets invited and is having a great time with his friends.

CoffeeShoppe · 10/04/2013 08:41

What would be the point of a sleepover if you had to stick to a routine at bedtime? They may as well stay at home. There is no fun in going to someone elses house and having bedtime rules. Defeats the object IMO.

Yes, we may all be grumpy (parents and children) the following day, but don't ever organise anything to do the next day. It is for lolling around watching tv, playing and snoozing off the night before. As I said upthread, it is just the same as adults who attend a party (minus the alcohol) late night, lots of fun, and knackered the next day. Means a good time was had by all.

Sparklingbrook · 10/04/2013 08:41

Exactly Coffee. No biggie.

Fairylea · 10/04/2013 08:45

Ha!

My dd had a sleepover for her 9th birthday.
My ds was 6 weeks old at the time and was up every two hours so I figured I wasn't getting any sleep anyway so a room full of 9 year olds chatting all night wouldn't make any difference..I think you have to expect that they won't sleep.

And ... they didn't sleep. At all.

I was up every 2 hours from 9pm till 8am and all that time they were still awake and chatting!

Dd fell asleep on the sofa the following afternoon !

Original poster
Dotty342kids · 10/04/2013 08:46

A sleepover doesn't mean sticking to the normal routine here - my DS (who needs a LOT of sleep) is usually asleep by 8.30 and does not have a telly in his room. So, as far as I was concerned, having a friend over, watching a film in his room, with popcorn and treats until 10ish then being able to chat for a while after that before going to sleep IS completely different from normal routine and is therefore something special.
It hadn't occurred to me that they'd want or expect, at 10, to be able to stay up well past that, downstairs, doing what they want and eating / drinking what they want. At 12/13 yes, but at 10....?

OP posts:
mrsjay · 10/04/2013 08:49

just because it says sleepover doesnt mean they actually sleep did you really expect them too I am not being funny with you but the being up and ratty and tired the next day is normal for a sleepover, it is annoying and irritating but that is what happens, he isn't little he is 10 so if you dont want him up late or crabby and urgh the next day dont let him go on sleepovers, I dont think parents set bedtimes for them really,

Dededum · 10/04/2013 08:53

Think yourself lucky, my 11 year old (yr 7) attended a sleepover party where they stayed up all night, no one told them to go to sleep, just keep the noise down !!

He lived, fell asleep on our sofa when he got home, took a couple of days to be himself.
Pulled his first all nighter at 11!

sherazade · 10/04/2013 09:00

Some descriptions of these all night parties for children are making me shudder.

nkf · 10/04/2013 09:01

You didn't actually text her did you? Blimey, that was over the top.

ihearsounds · 10/04/2013 09:05

You would hate mine then op.
They help themselves to food in the kitchen, so far no toaster related burns. But they know how to operate the toaster. Although they usually raid snacks and make themselves drinks, and don't touch the alcohol.
They have often camped out in my living room for the night. Really what is the big deal?
Unsuitable tv? Erm parental controls. My box has this. I use it. Other channels are blocked by me. So where is the problem?

nkf · 10/04/2013 09:06

Has anyone ever burned themselves on a toaster?

nkf · 10/04/2013 09:08

Anyway, it's just different styles. And part of the fun of staying at other people's houses is seeing how different families behave. You prefer asleep before 12. Chat went on till 1am (not much longer really.) Casino Royale not quite suitable but not totally wrong. Just different styles and attitudes but in the same ballpark, I'd say.

sherazade · 10/04/2013 09:16

I'd be more concerned about letting children think its ok to do something for momentary pleasure even if it results in being sick (from the all night bingeing) and exhausted/ratty (from the lack of sleep) than possible toaster burns which I don't think are really the issue..I don't think it sets a precedence for sensible decisions in later life when it comes to going out/clubbing etc.

Sparklingbrook · 10/04/2013 09:17

I don't think DS2 will be thinking back to 11 year old sleepovers when he's out clubbing sherazade.

nkf · 10/04/2013 09:18

Are they sick though? 10-year-olds who don't get to sleep till 1am aren't ill the next day. They're tired. I would pack them off earlier myself but I wouldn't be outraged if someone else did something different. And I wouldn't send a text so the hostess was aware of the "impact." It really is sweating the small stuff.

Mutley77 · 10/04/2013 09:21

I see where you are coming from - I really whinge to my DH and other friends when DD comes home from a sleepover having not had enough sleep (she is 8). However I do think it is "their house their rules" and if I really didn't like it I wouldn't let her go again.

I never challenge it as I think it is par for the course. It doesn't stop me worrying but I see it as a safe way of letting DD move towards independence and a bit of a chance for me to get used to not having full supervision of her. I laid awake for ages one night imagining a dare gone wrong and her being stuck outside the girl's house while her mum and dad slept unknowing.... I am v irrational at times!!

I think if you are going to let them go it is fine once in a while. My friend won't let her DC do sleepovers and I think that gives the wrong message personally.

mrsjay · 10/04/2013 09:23

Has anyone ever burned themselves on a toaster?

erm no unless they stick their fingers in it why would they Grin dds have been making toast since they were 7/8 and we have never had toaster related injuries Wink

CoffeeShoppe · 10/04/2013 09:40

I think this must be the OP's PFB

macdoodle · 10/04/2013 09:46

Am arfing at this now. My 11yr old can use a toaster make a sandwich a bowl of cereal make pancakes etc. Binging and watching unsuitable tv Blimey. Popcorn and the hunger games. Must be careful she doesn't morph into a drug addict over night .

Sparklingbrook · 10/04/2013 09:47

I just think of all the posts I have read about parents and their Dcs who never get invited to friends/have no friends etc. They would love their Dc to be invited to a sleepover whether it involved sleep or not.

dadofnone · 10/04/2013 09:49

You crazy lady!!
When mine were hunger I would let mine go /have the sleepover on a night where we knew nothing much would be happening next day. Of course they don't sleep it's prt of the fun. I let mine take a stash of goodies and some films into the spare room or the middle room and they would have sleeping bags. Next morning would be a hilarious with bodies lay everywhere and where they had attempted to make a den. Sometimes before I would go to bed I would listen to their conversations. Really funny and sweet.

Good days!