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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my 10yr old to be in bed by midnight on a sleepover?

223 replies

Dotty342kids · 09/04/2013 18:17

So, last night my (only just) 10yr old son went to a friend's for a sleepover. Mum is sort of a friend of mine - I like her a lot but her parenting style.... well it's not the same as mine, let's put it that way!
Anyway, she FB'd me last night, just before 10 to say that boys had been watching footie with her. I wasn't thrilled as my DS is normally asleep by 8.30 as he can't cope with being tired at all, but I figured that football must be nearly over so they'd be going to bed shortly, and it is a sleepover after all!
Drop his trainers off there so he can play footie with friend this morning to be told by mum that she had been tired so had left them in lounge (where they were sleeping) for the end of footie and her son had told her they were going to watch Casino Royale next!!! And she thought she'd heard voices at about 1am. 1 fricking am!!!
I looked mildly aghast at her and smilingly said how shattered he'd be later today which might be an issue as he has swimming training tonight but she didn't seem even slightly bothered by this.
When I collected him at 4.00 as agreed he looked tired, unsurprisingly, and since getting home has managed to eat tea and has now retired to the sofa under a blanket - unheard of for him so he must be exhausted.
I've just messaged her to let her know this so that she's aware of the impact but I'm just so cross.
Don't know what to do in future as they're quite good mates and are bound to want to stay at each other's houses again. I'm cross that not only were they up till gone midnight, but that it was also unsupervised - they could have got up to anything downstairs whilst she was asleep! Apparently her DS suggested to mine, AFTER watching the film so it must have been gone midnight by this time, that they play FIFA on the playstation but, thank goodness, my DS said no to this.

So, AIBU to be cross about this and how on earth do I nicely get her to not allow this to happen next time there's a sleepover?

OP posts:
Startail · 09/04/2013 23:11

I wish. In my experience they pull all nighters at 10 and get more sensible as they get older. DD2(12) and her friends wake me at 3am and 6 am.

DD1(15) and her bunch have the sense to go to sleep by 2 and not surface until 9 ish.

nailak · 09/04/2013 23:13

what might go wrong is they might try and get food from the kitchen? seriously?

my 2, 4 and 6 year olds are capable of getting a snack from the kitchen...

VivaLeBeaver · 09/04/2013 23:14

First sleepover dd had when she was 9 I think. I went down several times from midnight onwards suggesting they sleep. A about 3am I read them the riot act and threatened them with been split up and that one would have to sleep in the bathroom, one on the floor in our room, one in the utility, etc. Grin

Quiet after that, all up at 7am. They were all pale and shaky by mid morning as they were picked up.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 09/04/2013 23:15

YAB so unreasonable it's not true! That's what happens at 'sleep'overs!

Still18atheart · 09/04/2013 23:16

You're supposed to sleep at a sleepover Shock

YABU

TheOriginalNutcracker · 09/04/2013 23:17

Thats how sleepovers go tbh, although I do agree that they tend to get more sensible as they get older.

Dd2 is 13 and will stay up all night if she can manage it, but dd1, 15, and her friends will normlly crash by midnight and then stay in bed until lunchtime the following day.

nokidshere · 09/04/2013 23:18

To be honest I wouldnt let 10 year olds help themselves in the kitchen at night - especially if they aren't my own children.

My view is somewhat skewed though by a news report a few years back of a 12 year old making a sandwich and the knife slipped, cut his wrist and he bled to death while his parents were asleep upstairs - nuerotic me??

I am much happier leaving them with bowls of popcorn and haribo Grin

HeadfirstForHalos · 09/04/2013 23:21

The trick for the midnight feast is to have supplies at the ready so they don't go wandering and wake the whole house up. DD1 and her friends did, however, consume their own body weights in chocolate, crisps and sweets. It's hard work this not sleeping lark Grin

pooka · 09/04/2013 23:27

I tend to make them a midnight feats at 10ish that they can gorge on in bed. That worked in satiating their Enid blyton fixation until this year. The ante has been upped! I just figure that by getting them in bed at a reasonable but still late hour, we jog the hour of whispered conversation forwards a bit and so avoid the 2am bit.

I might push the clocks forward next time. :)

pooka · 09/04/2013 23:29

Part of it is that I'm not a night owl myself and I tend to want to know that they've settled before I head off to bed.

I'm not sure whether that's helicopter-ish of me, but my reasoning is that they're only 9 (nearly 10) and I'm in loco parents for another child and so should try to be semi conscious when they're here. Or make dh do it. Wink

yummumto3girls · 09/04/2013 23:44

I hate sleepovers! I am currently sat in bed waiting for DD1 (12) and her friend to finish watching film downstairs and then to go to her bedroom. I dont mind what they do in her room as long as its quiet and they stay in there, I won't sleep until I know downstairs lights are all off and everyone is where they should be! DD2 (age 9) was told enough at 11.30 but they could talk quietly but I think they are asleep. I agree with poster, I personally would not be overly happy that 10 year olds were left downstairs while mum went to bed. Oh and I have 5 of them until late afternoon tomorrow as I said we could all go swimming - I might regret that!

AnyoneforTurps · 09/04/2013 23:51

How incredibly rude to text the poor woman and complain, OP. Better to be a parent who let kids stay up too late than someone totally lacking in manners and a sense of proportion.

I feel sorry for your DS - he's not going to have many friends if this is how you treat their parents.

rockinhippy · 09/04/2013 23:55

Crikey -.& I thought I was strictShock its a sleep over - you are lucky if they sleep at all - its the rules - so long as they are in bed, usually giggling & sniggering, you've done very well

You were very rude indeed to text the DM to complain - not like they were smoking or having an orgy FGS

80sMum · 10/04/2013 00:00

Gosh, I am very surprised at how so many children are allowed to simply do what they like at these "sleep overs." It seems to be sending out the wrong message, that it's acceptable to over indulge in something to excess, to the point where the child feels exhausted and quite possibly ill, and to spend the next day sleeping and recovering.
It's only a short step away from going out and binge drinking, getting a hangover and spending the next day recovering.
I do think it's better if the adults impose sensible boundaries on these occasions.

macdoodle · 10/04/2013 00:02

YABU and a loon. My DD and her friends usually don;t sleep at all on a "sleepover". I would be very annoyed if you were rude enough to text me the consequences. And afraid your DS would not be invited back.

macdoodle · 10/04/2013 00:04

80smum - brilliant
11yr olds eating popcorn, watching TV and chatting = drug taking, alcoholic delinquents. Excellent jump.

LadyBeagleEyes · 10/04/2013 00:05

Are you serious 80sMum Hmm ?

AnyoneforTurps · 10/04/2013 00:07

I wouldn't let 10 year olds have unsupervised TV access late at night but I've yet to find a method that will make excited kids sleep when they want to whisper & giggle for hours. Isn't that part of childhood?

rockinhippy · 10/04/2013 00:11

I've just spotted your update :) really happy to see you asking comments on board for your DSs sake

  • we don't have sleepovers often, my 10 yr old DD needs her sleep or she gets ill - they ARE a PITA, but now & again, holidays or birthdays, rarely weekends it can't harm - I do make sure they know to be in bed by 10, they can chose a couple of DVDs & I provide a tray of non spill-able drinks & nibbles for the Obligatory midnight feast, but after that, provide they are not running around the house waking everyone up, stay in DDs room bar toilet rips, I check occasionally, feigning seeing if they need anything, whilst making sure any that do look like they are trying to sleep are treat fairly & otherwise pretty much leave them to it, generally they are passed out by 1 at the latest - but always up,earlyConfused

My DD has been to one though, where she came home upset that the DM had barged into her friends room & screamed at them all to "shut up now" at barely 10pm - she's not wanted to go again :(

rockinhippy · 10/04/2013 00:13

Taking comments on board - damn you autocorrect

SirBoobAlot · 10/04/2013 00:15

Sleepovers are not for sleeping. Those are the well known rules. And at the sleep overs I used to go to, first one to fall asleep would inevitably get covered in make up (or chocolate gateaux at one birthday party...) so staying awake as long as possible was desired.

You were foolish to send him on the night before an activity, and I can't believe you had the nerve to send her a message complaining that he was tired after she'd looked after your son for nearly 24hrs.

What is the worst they will do? Seriously? Maybe eat too much junk food? Not go to sleep until the early hours? Let them go crazy once in a while.

babyinarms · 10/04/2013 00:16

yabu...sleep over usually means staying up late and having fun! It is the holidays after all.

sherazade · 10/04/2013 07:45

Gosh, I am very surprised at how so many children are allowed to simply do what they like at these "sleep overs." It seems to be sending out the wrong message, that it's acceptable to over indulge in something to excess, to the point where the child feels exhausted and quite possibly ill, and to spend the next day sleeping and recovering.
It's only a short step away from going out and binge drinking, getting a hangover and spending the next day recovering.
I do think it's better if the adults impose sensible boundaries on these occasions.

80smum, I think you're spot on with this. Totally agree.

sparkle12mar08 · 10/04/2013 08:07

I just cannot believe how many people see it as acceptable for 9/10yo children (and younger ages have been mentioned) to stay up to the point at which they are actually ill the next day. Shaking with exhaustion, feeling sick, unable to rouse them - all terms which have been mentioned on the thread. I just don't get it. Why is it okay to not just permit, but actively encourage your own and other peoples children to do this? I truly don't understand. It's nuts, it's stupid, and in all honesty it makes me question peoples judgement. Staying up late, and sometimes very late is a treat, an indulgence, one that I'm fine with. But to the point of ill health? Are you all nuts? Because either you are or I am, and having read all of the thread, I'm not sure what the hell to think...

cory · 10/04/2013 08:08

Can I ask the OP what would be wrong with a couple of 10yos getting themselves food and drink from the kitchen? (you seem to see this as one of the hazards of staying up late).

Unless of course they have been told to leave the food alone by the house owner- in which case they are plenty old enough to do as they're told or face the consequences.

Do please, please tell me that you do not think that 10yos cannot be left unsupervised in a kitchen!!! They are 10, not 4.

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