To be offended at dh seriously suggesting ds isn't his?

[Idbeloveandsweetness]

We have a ds who is three and have been TTC for about two years for a second ds. Following infertility testing it has transpired that male factor infertility is the problem, basically we have been told that we have pretty much zero chance of conceiving naturally and ds must have been some sort of miracle (also conceived first month) or something must have changed with my dh since we conceived first time round.

Dh did not take the news well as he was convinced the problem was with me. We found the results out a few weeks back and the last few days he's been eyeing ds and saying things like "he doesn't look anything like me" and "I can see me in him at all." ds does to be fair look mainly like me and my side of the family but I can see dh's mother in him too. Anyway, dh has now point blank asked if ds is his! I am not impressed. Dh can't understand how we conceived ds so easily given that he's now been told he is basically infertile. I don't understand either...but it definitely happened!

Aibu to be hideously offended that dh is a) suggesting I'd cheat on him and b) then conceive a child that I'd pretend to be his?!

Thank fuck I'm not your dp then garlic balls, I take it you suggest she goes in all guns blazing coz she is not gonna be a stereotype.

Utter bull, taking the lead in dealing gently with a delicate subject is not necessarily a gender role but is more likely to lead to a happy family for all concerned.

What do you think is likely to lead to a happy resolution if the problem

"Dp I understand that this is very painful for you and it's also very painful for me, I want to be with you no matter wether we have more children. I can't help but be massively hurt and offended by you requesting a paternity test but if it is what is required for you to move on then we can do that. I can promise you though here and now that we don't need one and he is your son."

" I'm not taking a paternity test, I'm so offended you even asked that. If you insist i will end our relationship. What about my feelings? I'd have to leave you if I wanted more kids how do you think that would make me feel?

So sorry op it must be so sad for you both :(
Your dh is being very unfair, he must be really upset by the news (obviously) & this is his reaction to it all.
I can understand why you feel offended however given the situation I would tell him you won't discuss it further as ds is his and you find his comments hurtful.

He is upset and confused. I would get a DNA test to prove to him that his ds is his. That way, you can both move forwards with your life and conceiving dc2. Yanbu to feel completely offended and horrified at his suggestion that ds isn't his but I think 100% proof would help him to get back onto an even keel.

Couldn't you just say, "I'm sorry that you have received such distressing news. DS is definitely your son. I am upset that you have queried that?" And then see what happens after that. Just state your feelings without offering or threatening anything.

Herrena, OP's husband hasn't asked for a DNA test! He's simply gone straight to the assumption that she cheated and is picking away at it. From her OP:
We found the results out a few weeks back and the last few days he's been eyeing ds and saying things like "he doesn't look anything like me"

A few weeks back ... the last few days. He's been stewing over this for weeks, reached his own damaging conclusions without having once considered seeking further medical input, and is accusing his wife - and by extension, her son. This is horrible behaviour! No way do I feel this merits gentle understanding soothing crap. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that he's being an arse of low order.

FWIW, my earlier post - which you mustn't have read - said: "In your shoes, OP, I think I'd offer a paternity test to settle his mind. But my opinion of him would change forever, and I don't know how I would come back from that."

Your posts make me think you're in an unequal relationship yourself, as you're so keen to smooth over shitty behaviour. But that would be a whole other thread.

Guess again garliballs!
I'm a lone parent because I don't take shit. You may have noted the references to ex in several of my previous posts! I stuck at my relationship with dds father just long enough to be 100% sure I had done everything I could to make it work.

Gently and lovingly is how someone should deal with a person that they love. Reassurance is what they should give them of they are suffering doubt. It's a horrible position for both of them and they won't make it any easier by being horrible to each other.

I have seen the look op describes and felt the hurt when it's followed by "you know she doesn't look like me at all"
I still think that if you want a positive outcome you need to pour in positivity.

It may well be true that ops dp is a complete arse and she should LTB but nothing in the ops comments sounds to me like anything other than reacting badly to a bad situation.

They need to support each other through this and since he's dealing with it badly she needs to take the lead.

Do you see what I mean? It's not about gender it's about supporting each other

Gentle and loving would be fine if OP's dh was also being gentle and loving. He's not though, I'd he? He's not the only one who's had bad news. The OP is having to face not having a baby.

Not once has he considered that this might be his 'fault' in that his lifestyle has reduced hid fertility. He's gone straight to accusing the OP.

garlicballs - id you read Tritenyears post?

It's got to be a fairly common reaction surely. Hurtful but understandable.

You don't support someone through a bad time by acquiescing in their shitty treatment of you and their child.

If it were me in the OP's situation I'd be plenty supportive.

But if it took a DNA test for him to recognise that his child was his child, that I was not a liar, that our entire relationship was not a fraud, then the relationship between us would be damaged beyond all repair.

If I had done nothing to deserve those suspicions and they were his first response before other, far likelier scenarios, then I could no longer trust him to trust me, to see the best in me, to love me, to defend me.

I'd know that when the shit was really down his first response was to blame me, accuse me, distrust me. And that he couldn't stop those feelings until an outside agency validated my story.

And that's not who I need by my side.

If you fight fire with fire you just get more fire

Sorry posted too soon.

I'm not saying its ok but as op said from personal experience it is fucking brutal thing to go through and you don't always behave in the way you should. If every relationship ended because one party was a dick for a period we'd all be very lonely.

Not op, pp

He could be a dick for a period.

I didn't say I'd walk at the first accusation.

But in terms of fire, this guy has just thrown a petrol bomb into the middle of the relationship.

He has accused his wife of the worst thing possible.

If the only way he could stop being a dick, if the only way he could "trust" me again was having a DNA test, that would be it for me.

I could ignore the fire while there was a chance he might remember who I was and that I would never to that. To anyone, never mind to him whom I love beyond reason.

But if he needed "proof" then that would mean that his accusations weren't a temporary insanity caused by grief and pain.

It would mean that he really thought I was the kind of person who could do that. Being proved wrong wouldn't change the fact that he basically thought I had no integrity and thought everything we had was a lie.

And that is fire that won't ever go out.

We would both always know for the rest of our lives that he didn't trust me and thought I was capable of the worst kind of lies.

Your DH is an arse to do what he's done and you have every right to be furious. But to assume that this is out of character and he's normally charming give him a chance however I would jump straight to DNA testing.

He just assumed that the fault would be with you so to find out its him has threatened everything he thought he was.
I think you need to sit him down calmly and ask him he automatically came to that assumption? Show him some research that others have pointed you to about what can impact make fertility and highlight anything that may have changed since your son was conceived. He should be doing this himself but let's assume he's still being an arse and hasn't.

Then discuss how you can both get yourselves in the best shape you can and then go back for fertility testing in 4-6months. But also point out that if he is serious about your son not being his then maybe you don't need to bother with any of the above and he should be speaking to a solicitor about seperation. Say it calmly but make sure he understands what the liky outcome is if he carrys on with the accusations

One of the odd things about this discussion (to me, anyway,) is how few people have recognised that an unknown, but high, proportion of DC really were fathered by someone other than the father - and are loved, cherished & parented just the same.

I'm too lazy to work through exactly why I feel so uncomfortable with the assumption that having a child by another man (not lying about it) is a major sin.

Bloody iPhone, hopefully that still makes sense
*wouldnt jump straight to DNA testing

Firstly, so sorry OP. Must be really, really tough news for you made worse by how your DH is behaving.

I suspect your DH feels devastated, shocked and emasculated (not saying he should feel emasculated but I understand a lot of men do in these circumstances). He is being unreasonable but I do have some sympathy. I suspect when you feel low like this it can cause you to become insecure and not to think rationally. I suspect many people do become paranoid in those circumstances. I know I have very occasionally wondered about my Dh's fidelity without any grounds at all when I have not felt at my best. And I like to think of myself as very secure and well adjusted generally.

I don't think he is being fair but I can understand how this sort of shock can breed paranoia.

Like others I would offer him a test. But when the results come back I would tell him that whilst I understood his feelings, you are both in this together and his mistrust has made an equally devastating situation for you worse and that you need him now to pull himself together so you can try to deal with this together.

Much as I feel for the OP.

Posters on here have encouraged "throwing the fire bomb" of mistrust with a lot less information than the OP's DP has.

My friends husband was told he had next to no chance of conceiving. It took 5 years to conceive 2 children though.

SIL was having trouble conceiving and went for all kinds of tests, whilst her DH was guilty of sitting ever so smugly back saying 'well, I've got 2 kids already, there's nothing wrong with me' .

When she got the all clear, he went for tests and it was found that he had almost zero motility and 'no chance' of fathering children.

He didn't turn on his first wife and accuse her of cheating, or question his first two children's paternity. He accepted that between his first marriage breaking up and meeting SIL he'd gone a bit mad on the disco biscuits and booze, and also was now in his mid 40's.

They were told that ICSI was their only hope, and luckily they conceived a child that way. Whilst considering whether they could afford another round of ICSI they weren't using contraception and their second child (that they'd been told could not happen naturally) was conceived.

I'm so sorry that you've been landed with this horrible news, OP, and also had to put up with your DH's suspicions. Having suffered infertility as a couple I can understand the hurt and sense of loss you must be feeling, and to have to deal with his reaction on top of it... I'm afraid that I'd get shouty. Yes, he's no doubt hurting, but to turn it around on you like that shows a marked lack of sensitivity on his part.

I don't accept that it's because he's a man either, it's bloody insulting to men to suggest that as a sex they're all emotional incompetents who can't deal with any question mark over their masculinity. Agree with garlicballs - why is it her job to smooth over his hurt feelings and ignore her own in the process?

OP, YANBU. Infertility puts a horrible strain on a couple and talking things out could help both of you to sort out your feelings together. I would confront him, tbh, and not suffer anymore of these comments - if he says it again I would ask him exactly what he meant by that and does he realise how bloody hurtful to you it is? Possibly he's so wrapped up in his own hurt that he hasn't considered your feelings and it may help him see how ridiculous he's being. Or maybe he's just an arse. Only you know.

I object to that love cat. I did not say she should ignore her own feelings to pansy to his nor do I think that.

Bear in mind that the fertility issue is with him. She could leave and get pregnant by somebody else if she chose to (not that I'm saying you would op!) and this will be going through his head a lot.

It's not about who's the man and who's the woman, to make a relationship work instead of biting back when dp lashes out (unreasonably) in pain, one party involved has to take the lead to starting smoothing things over. It shouldn't be the same partner all the time whether their male or female.

Other than that I basically agree with you

I wasn't addressing my post to you, Herrena....

TBH I can certainly see how it would cross his mind if he's been told he's infertile.
And I can also see why you'd be really upset too.

In your position, I'd have a paternity test done because I've seen how badly wrong things can go for a child when a father has doubts.

I would also make it very clear to your husband how upset you are about this and exactly why.

But for my kid's sake, I would insist on the test.

I think he would feel emasculated. I felt like my ability as a women had been taken away when I had a tube removed due to an etopic.

Also you son is 3 and you have been trying for 2 years. It's not like there's a big understandable gap where fertility went obviously wrong.
Had he had children years ago or with someone else that's something different.
To go from having a child and 3 years later being infertile (after trying for 2 years) is something else. Is he fed up of trying at the heart of it?

About three years intheframe. Ds is nearly four. My gp told me that conceiving once three years previously was no indication of successful future pregnancies, it just showed there had been one healthly sperm and egg at that moment in time. Unfortunately dh was not there to hear that.

Dh wants to go straight to icsi. We could afford two cycles. I don't want to. I have diabetes which the hormones would likely affect and suffered from terrible migraines when on the pill, I think the Ivf hormones would likely cause them again. Dh has no idea what Ivf involves, he thinks it's easy. Maybe for him, not so much for me. I'm just not willing to put myself through it when there's no guarantee of a baby at the end. If it would definitively give us another baby then I would, but all that emotional upheaval, physical trauma and money when the odds are still against us? I don't think it's for me.