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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended at dh seriously suggesting ds isn't his?

179 replies

Idbeloveandsweetness · 06/04/2013 21:15

We have a ds who is three and have been TTC for about two years for a second ds. Following infertility testing it has transpired that male factor infertility is the problem, basically we have been told that we have pretty much zero chance of conceiving naturally and ds must have been some sort of miracle (also conceived first month) or something must have changed with my dh since we conceived first time round.

Dh did not take the news well as he was convinced the problem was with me. We found the results out a few weeks back and the last few days he's been eyeing ds and saying things like "he doesn't look anything like me" and "I can see me in him at all." ds does to be fair look mainly like me and my side of the family but I can see dh's mother in him too. Anyway, dh has now point blank asked if ds is his! I am not impressed. Dh can't understand how we conceived ds so easily given that he's now been told he is basically infertile. I don't understand either...but it definitely happened!

Aibu to be hideously offended that dh is a) suggesting I'd cheat on him and b) then conceive a child that I'd pretend to be his?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Idbeloveandsweetness · 06/04/2013 23:02

I'm not sure why he thought the problem was with me..,he just did. I guess because I had a c section with ds so he thought maybe it had caused some issue? He didn't think anything had changed for him so assumed he'd still be fertile.

OP posts:
willyoulistentome · 06/04/2013 23:09

Actually I would INSIST he had a paternity test done ASAP. My DH spent the first year of our DS2s life being a complete shit to me. Turned out he didn't think our son was his because he didn't look like him, but like my side of the family. DS1 is the image of DH. I said he should get a test done, I don't think he ever did. Actually I don't think I have ever quite
forgiven him for that year. Our relationship has never fully recovered.

willyoulistentome · 06/04/2013 23:15

.sorry. should hsve made clear, DH is most definitely the father of my sons and apart from the non resemblance he had absolutely no reason to doubt. There's only 21 months between them FFS. I didn't have the time, opportunity or sex drive to 'be silly', as he put it.

reneaa2 · 06/04/2013 23:49

I would tell him to arrange a paternity test and do it all himself.

Tell him you don't want to discuss it until the test is done and the results are back.

He needs to do it straight away before it hurts your family relationship ships any further. Insist he does a test!!

He is in shock and is probably grieving but he can't allow this to ruin your family. When the test comes back he will be reassured and probably feel very sorry about doubting you and he will be grateful to have your son.

Very horrible situation for you to be in but I don't think there is any alternatives. Try not to discuss things with him until the test is back.

lottiegarbanzo · 07/04/2013 00:00

I don't think being upset excuses what he's said to you at all and am really surprised so many people think it does.

This is really difficult news for both of you and, at the same time, makes the existence of your DS all the more special and to be celebrated. Surely 'weren't we lucky' is the understandable reaction, not 'actually I don't trust you, come to think of it never did and I want to distance myself from the best thing we ever did.'

PinkCanary · 07/04/2013 00:20

We too have suffered with conception. Took a long time for DD then years and tears of trying without luck. It is surprisingly common. Hmm

However, when I was undergoing my prenatal care the midwife rejected my DH offer of undergoing tests for HIV etc as, and I quote, "we really don't bother testing men as half the time they don't turn out to be the paternal father anyway". DH was mortified! DD is his absolute double though. Can't see any of me in her at all.

sashh · 07/04/2013 00:29

A friend's father reacted like this when it was suggested he was tested as well as my friend (they had 2 children all ready).

What he is saying is that it's OK for your fertility to change but not his.

You need to sort this out because what happens if you do conceive?

Before his result did he have any doubts?

Tortington · 07/04/2013 00:34

let me telly you a story.

about 7 year ago i thought i might be prgnant - POAS and everything. this came as a great shock to both of us consiering DH had had a vasectomy many years before. Not once did he ask or infer that i had been cheating. he never questioned it once.

in your situation i think i would spit in his face - pack him a bag and tell him to leave.

how dare he.

HoHoHoNoYouDont · 07/04/2013 00:58

Say you had cheated on him and DS wasn't his. Would he love him less? I would hope it was the cheating that narked him more.

Anyway, as you haven't cheated that's irrelevant!

LittleEdie · 07/04/2013 01:03

Thing is, people do (rarely) conceive outside of marrige and pass the child off as their partner's, and not all of those partners will suspect. And he might think he's been one of those - not really the crime of the century, but of course it would hurt.

What does make him sound particularly bad though is that he blamed you for your infertility before the results, and now he's found another way of making this your problem. Which doesn't sound good (albeit based on the sketchy info you get on a single thread.)

McNewPants2013 · 07/04/2013 01:15

Tbh I would think along the same lines of your DH.

To be told you have zero chance of conceiving when you all ready have a child must have been a big shock.

sleepyhead · 07/04/2013 01:23

I see posts on here from women convinced their h's are cheating based on far shakier evidence than being told it's impossible for you to father a child.

Your dh is being a complete twat, and obviously you know that your ds is his, but at the moment his head is in a bad place and he's lashing out. It's not right and I'd be devastated if my dh reacted in this way, but that's how it is just now. I'd tell him to get a paternity test.

starfield · 07/04/2013 01:25

He's probably in shock and dealing with deep grief all at once. YNBU but for your own peace of mind, you should remember he probably doesn't know what way is up right now. I think you should sit him down and say that these are enormously hurtful suggestions he is making. He needs to consider whether he really wants to put something like that between you. As him to consider how he's going to feel after the paternity test - when it's proved that he's the dad. Any disbelief, and hurt, suspicion or anger - it's going to be look so stupid by that stage! But it will also be really sad because there will be way of taking things back.

So he needs to stop being a prima donna and think of the hurt and disrespect he's putting you through.

He think about all that and then, chastened, go and do the faffing about for the paternity test.

starfield · 07/04/2013 01:26

no way, sorry

BigRedDebby · 07/04/2013 01:38

I'm afraid I would be mortally offended and let him know that. Many things can affect sperm counts, they are delicate creatures! A friend of ours was told he was near as dammit infertile, but he stopped wearing tight trousers, lost weight and stopped drinking and now they have 2 boys. Instead of insulting you he should do his research and try to find what's causing the problem. I don't care if he is reeling from the diagnosis, it doesn't excuse this attack on you and your integrity. If he has so little trust and faith in your relationship then what is the point!

bochead · 07/04/2013 03:36

I couldn't let this fester. I'd flat out demand a paternity test asap and then tell the barsteward to pop the kettle on to go with that nice slice of humble pie he'd be serving up to me shortly. I get that being told he is infertile has got to hurt, but he's insulting your child, not just your personal integrity.

I've long forgiven all my ex's other crimes, but the denial of his own flesh and blood was a step too far.

I think you need to get paternity proven scientifically asap if your relationship is to stand any hope of a future if your reaction was anything like as gut deep as mine was.

SatsukiKusukabe · 07/04/2013 04:09

I'm suprised by the sympathy everyone seems to have for your dh. He decides it "must be you " then finds out hes infertile and takes out all his shitty insecurities on you. Since when is it ok for a partner to follow one around accusing then of cheating? It's emotional abuse.

if he was so worried but actually cared about your feelings.... he'd have gone and did the test with out you and not told you Not look at your child and decide based on his "son not looking like him". Of course there is no possility your child could look like you. Hmm

garlicballs · 07/04/2013 04:37

Custardo wrote: "about 7 year ago i thought i might be prgnant - POAS and everything. this came as a great shock to both of us considering DH had had a vasectomy many years before. Not once did he ask or infer that i had been cheating. he never questioned it once."

I think it is shocking that he leapt to this conclusion, OP. The fact he's so distressed now he's found he's the one with the problem - but was quite happy for it to be you! - doesn't exactly work in his favour, either.

When I found out I'd never be able to carry full-term (and basically incapable of producing a viable baby) it was devastating news. I spent two hours discussing it with the endocrinologist, bless him, and several more hours discussing it with any friends & family members who'd listen. That was it. I didn't go round accusing my nearest & dearest of the most hurtful thing imaginable!

He sounds really very self-centred.

In your shoes, OP, I think I'd offer a paternity test to settle his mind. But my opinion of him would change forever, and I don't know how I would come back from that. Maybe, once this storm's over, a few visits to Relate might help you clear it all up properly. Best of luck.

Emilythornesbff · 07/04/2013 04:58
Sad

Have someone with fertility expertise explain it to him.
I would vote for not having pat test fwiw.

Thanks
echt · 07/04/2013 05:19

I must say I'm in the WTF camp here and astonished at the sympathy this man is getting.

If he's that bothered, tell him to organise his own paternity test.

Git. Sorry OP, but really. Shock

AllOverIt · 07/04/2013 06:47

I am also shocked at the amount of people suggesting having the test. WTF? What about trusting the woman he loves? Urgh.

If he persisted he has a test done, it'd be a deal breaker for me. I'd have it done, then when the test came back I'd kick his sorry arse out of the door.

Greythorne · 07/04/2013 07:14

When DD was born, she bore a striking physical resemblance to a male friend of ours. Think specific racial phydical trait.

DH never once questioned me or brought it up in any way.

4 years on and DD now looks so like DH it is ridiculous.

I would be incandescent if DH did not trust me.

goodiegoodieyumyum · 07/04/2013 07:27

My husband was told he was infertile when trying for our second, he certainly wasn't with the first as he was tested as it took over two years to conceive my dd. I still got pregnant with my second despite his apparent infertility and he never questioned that it was his child (despite the shock of my gynaecologist who did not believe I was pregnant and insisted on an internal scan at five weeks to make sure),

My ds was the spitting image of my husband when he was born but is not now. What did your ds look like when he was born, many children look like their fathers when born but change as they grow older.

You are not being Unreasonable.

TheFallenNinja · 07/04/2013 07:46

Even if he could only produce 2 sperm it only takes 1.

Practically infertile isn't actually infertile and as they say on Jurassic Park, life will find a way.

I'd be more relieved I think.

These are super cruel things to say even with some very mild mitigating circumstances. He should be thankful.

MackerelOfFact · 07/04/2013 08:05

I'd just have the test done. You know what the result will be and so does he, deep down. He's trying to rationalise DS in the context of his infertility, and there just aren't that many variables. Would you rather he didn't ask and just spent forever with a niggling doubt about DS? For your DSs sake I'd tell him to do the test and banish the thought forever more.

Undoubtedly you are hurt too, and if you feel your relationship can't recover from the accusation then that's your decision.