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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended at dh seriously suggesting ds isn't his?

179 replies

Idbeloveandsweetness · 06/04/2013 21:15

We have a ds who is three and have been TTC for about two years for a second ds. Following infertility testing it has transpired that male factor infertility is the problem, basically we have been told that we have pretty much zero chance of conceiving naturally and ds must have been some sort of miracle (also conceived first month) or something must have changed with my dh since we conceived first time round.

Dh did not take the news well as he was convinced the problem was with me. We found the results out a few weeks back and the last few days he's been eyeing ds and saying things like "he doesn't look anything like me" and "I can see me in him at all." ds does to be fair look mainly like me and my side of the family but I can see dh's mother in him too. Anyway, dh has now point blank asked if ds is his! I am not impressed. Dh can't understand how we conceived ds so easily given that he's now been told he is basically infertile. I don't understand either...but it definitely happened!

Aibu to be hideously offended that dh is a) suggesting I'd cheat on him and b) then conceive a child that I'd pretend to be his?!

OP posts:
hwjm1945 · 07/04/2013 09:30

I think he has every reason to be dwelling on it and to be puzzled by it....but he should take responsibility and get medical advice which should confirm that most likely explanation wax that there had been change in fertility .it may have crossed his mind. As we know passing off does happen BUT he needs to grapple with this himself and not lash out and baselessy accuse OP of having affair and passing off child as his.

AThingInYourLife · 07/04/2013 09:32

"If you can't debate with people of differing views without throwing around labels, please kindly leave the thread."

:o

Oh, is the big man going to decide the terms of the discussion?

:o

WorrySighWorrySigh · 07/04/2013 09:34

I really dont get the whole 'he should just trust her' idea. Why?

He has been told that he cant be a father. He is a father.

Get a test, it will cost £100, you get the results in less than a week. OP already knows what the result will be. OP's DH probably knows really, he just needs reassurance.

Once you are both reassured you can then go back to your doctor with this knowledge. Is the fertility result really as definite as you have been given to believe?

HerrenaHarridan · 07/04/2013 09:36

Athing: I think you are being totally out of order calling someone a misogynist on the sole basis of saying that a man is entitled to feelings and emotions and of communicating them to his life partner in a less than perfect way.

Ffs people, "my marriage would be over if my dp questioned me"
Get over yourself. He is grieving his fertility an coming to terms with the implications if that.

To call that emotional abuse is fucking ridiculous, emotional abuse is a sustained campaign of unpleasantness designed to erode your character and self esteem so you never feel like you can leave your abuser.

I'm not saying its ok for him to accuse op of infidelity but it is a) not emotional abuse on its own b) not unreasonable in the circumstances.

But I assume all of you 'marriage over' types never come home and are snappy and short with your partner because you've had a bad day?

SideshoBob · 07/04/2013 09:39

Athinginyourlife Clearly you have problems with people who have differing views, so I shall not be replying any further to your posts. If it helps you to ignore people's views by putting them into neat little boxes so you can ignore and ridicule them for having the audacity to disagree with you (at no point was I offensive or confrontational with anyone in this thread - unlike you), good for you I guess, its just a shame people like you can never have their opinion changed or challenged. Because everything has to fit in with how they see the world and the situations that exist in it. And anyone who doesn't is clearly wrong and has some sort of problem.

AThingInYourLife · 07/04/2013 09:44

"He has been told that he cant be a father. He is a father."

He has not been told that.

He has been told that he is very lucky to be a father on the basis of his recent SA.

And he has been told that he is very unlikely to become a father again.

To interpret that data to mean your child isn't yours and your wife is a liar, and to use that interpretation to attack your wife, shows a pretty warped mind.

fedupofnamechanging · 07/04/2013 09:45

Very few people have said they would leave their husbands. Quite a few have said that their relationships would be damaged and possibly not repairable if their dh's asked for DNA tests in these circumstances.

As for general infidelity suspicions, one generally trusts one spouse until one finds proof in their behaviour that they are being deceitful, like texts to ow, or getting caught out in lies.

fedupofnamechanging · 07/04/2013 09:47

pmsl at the idea that accusing his wife of infidelity is akin to coming home and being a bit snappy

AThingInYourLife · 07/04/2013 09:52

It's not just accusing his wife of infidelity, it's saying that the child he is raising isn't his.

That is such an enormous thing to say, to cast doubt on your own child.

And he does this on the basis of a doctor saying the child was a miracle?!

Before he even examines the far more likely scenario that turning into a fat drunk might have been a factor?

OK

hairtearing · 07/04/2013 09:56

If my dh wanted a DNA test in order to prove our dc were actually his, that would destroy the relationship for me. It means he doesn't trust you and your word is not good enough. Not sure I could come back from that.

This^ I understand he has been hit with a shock, and a big one, so a paternity test is a good idea but the relationship would be very damaged.

HerrenaHarridan · 07/04/2013 09:58

Of course it is karma, both are symptoms of having to deal with hurt. One hurt is a lot bigger than the other.

Again I'm not saying its ok or that's she not entitled to be offended.

I just think she needs to treat him as she would want to be treated. Explain that it's hurtful but that she doesn't want him to have a niggling doubt forever and offer to prove it.

I would also be hurt if he went through with it but the offer has to be there, stamping your feet and refusing point blank is only going to make him think there is a reason to be suspicious

HerrenaHarridan · 07/04/2013 10:02

Now he's a fat drunk as well as an emotional abuser.Hmm

HerrenaHarridan · 07/04/2013 10:04

Of course you'd say the same about the female op if she had put on some weight and sometimes had a drink!

AThingInYourLife · 07/04/2013 10:10

He put on a lot of weight, started drinking heavily and became a lot less fit.

But apparently that had no effect on his sperm at all.

Oh no, he must have always been infertile and his wife must be passing off another man's child as his own.

And yes, of course I'd describe a fat heavy drinking woman as a fat drunk.

Lueji · 07/04/2013 10:18

or something must have changed with my dh since we conceived first time round.
well, it did. He drank a lot more and gained more weight.
Increased temperature in the testicles also lowers fertility.

If you are looking to have a baby maybe he should maximise his fertility.

Btw, a friend has conceived even after having chemotherapy. It happens.

As for your H, I'd be terribly upset at his reaction. If he has never had cause for concern, he shouldn't accuse you of cheating now (also see above). It's not good news that he thought automatically that it was your fault.

I'd tell him he has two options. Go for counselling over his infertility problems or have a paternity test (and then see his child 3 days a week).

Of course he can get a paternity test without your knowledge.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 07/04/2013 10:22

I would just tell him to get a paternity test.

Yes, it's insulting to you that he actually thinks he may not be the father, but not getting a paternity test won't make that go away.

I'd make him eat the results though, I tell you that!

Lueji · 07/04/2013 10:23

Now, if he had found out that his child was 0 positive and he was AB negative, and the wife was negative too... :)

I think my child had been swapped in the maternity ward. :)

SanctiMOMious · 07/04/2013 10:27

domt agrer to a dna test whatever u do! if u agree to that next he'll conclude that u had some doubt yourself! if he does a dna test let it be somethimg he arranges on his own. dont collude with a test and certianly dont celebrate the result with him. that'll make him think u had doubts too. you dont need dna tests. u know. so.let him know he should do what he needs to do but u r not in any doubt so u r not involved with any testing.

SanctiMOMious · 07/04/2013 10:28

dont agree i mean

HerrenaHarridan · 07/04/2013 10:28

Well it's clear none of us are going to change our minds.

Good luck op, I think to summarise
A) LTB
B) offer test then LTB if he takes you up on it
C) offer test and accept that if he takes you up on it your relationship may never recover
D) refuse test point blank and hope he doesn't LTB

Hope that clears that up for you!

On a serious note, like some one up thread said this sort of news can be lethal to a relationship, you need to take the lead and guide your mutual healing process together, that means talking it through and offering reassurances, of course ds is yours, you do know that you and ds are enough for me and finding info on how sperm count can be improved, start dieting and exercising together and of course practise Wink

catgirl1976 · 07/04/2013 10:29

YANBU and you must be really hurt

To be charitable to your DH he has had some upsetting news and must be finding it hard to process but :( - not a great response from him

lustybusty · 07/04/2013 10:31

This may sound a bit daft, but bear with me please....!!
Has DH said "are you sure DS is mine?" Or has he said "did you cheat on me?" I ask because, in shock, your brain often doesn't make obvious connections... He may just be thinking "my sperm don't work, therefore DS must have come from other sperm" without making the connection of what that actually means...
As pp mentioned, get a DNA test - he has scientific proof he can't have kids (so to speak), now prove he COULD have kids (and did!!)
Oh, and fwiw, yanbu to be hurting from his suggestions.

MortifiedAdams · 07/04/2013 10:34

as he was convinced the problem was with me - nice.

Doesnt matter who in the couple is having fertility issues - you are a couple. Its a problem for both. I wonder what he would have said if you were now infertile, as IM.pretty sure he would have seen you give birth yourself!

AThingInYourLife · 07/04/2013 10:35

"ds must have been some sort of miracle (also conceived first month) or something must have changed with my dh since we conceived first time round."

How can anyone think that is any kind of proof the child was conceived with another man?

It's just bizarre.

Particularly when you know that several thinks that negatively impact sperm production had changed.

fuzzypicklehead · 07/04/2013 10:50

I'm with Hec on this one. I would cordially invite him to get a paternity test and after he's seen the results I'd quite possibly shove them up his arse. I'm sure he is upset, but for me it would stray into the realms of the unforgivable. I'd certainly never be able to look at him the same way again.