To be offended at dh seriously suggesting ds isn't his?

[Idbeloveandsweetness]

We have a ds who is three and have been TTC for about two years for a second ds. Following infertility testing it has transpired that male factor infertility is the problem, basically we have been told that we have pretty much zero chance of conceiving naturally and ds must have been some sort of miracle (also conceived first month) or something must have changed with my dh since we conceived first time round.

Dh did not take the news well as he was convinced the problem was with me. We found the results out a few weeks back and the last few days he's been eyeing ds and saying things like "he doesn't look anything like me" and "I can see me in him at all." ds does to be fair look mainly like me and my side of the family but I can see dh's mother in him too. Anyway, dh has now point blank asked if ds is his! I am not impressed. Dh can't understand how we conceived ds so easily given that he's now been told he is basically infertile. I don't understand either...but it definitely happened!

Aibu to be hideously offended that dh is a) suggesting I'd cheat on him and b) then conceive a child that I'd pretend to be his?!

how long have ye both had this news? i feel awful for you both not just him. we lash out at those closest to us. if you love this man and he loves you and your relationship was good up to this point i would obviously be very hurt but would be giving him the benefit of the doubt that he is just really hurt and angry at the situation. of course its a horrendous thing to say and yanbu to feel that way but only you know your relationship best and how to deal with this. your feelings are valid. his are understandable. tell him how hurt you are over him saying this in a calm matter and try talk it out. good luck OP.

The thing with infertility is it messes with your head. I do have sympathy with your DH in that he's in shock and grief at the news and that anger is very often a primary reaction to grief and he's lashed out.

That doesn't make what he's doing ok but it does make it understandable. Especially if this is not a man used to handling conplicated and conflicting feelings.

He has hurt you enormously. And you are hurting too from the news.

But you are pushing away from each other. Infertility and IVF destroy relationships. (i've read 50%) If you are the stronger one right now then take control. What he's suggesting is ridiculous but can you swallow your pride and download info about dna tests (think it's £250) and tell him you'll support him because you love him.

I think i feel sympathy for your dh because i took the news of infertility badly too (and it was unexplained not just me). It took a lot of counselling to realise i was subconsciously thinking i should push him away so he could go have a family with someone else. That was stupid but hindsight is a great thing.

Infertility is evil. Don't let it destroy your family. Reach out to your dh and bring him back from the brink.

Just to reiterate - he is wrong. He needs to acknowledge the hurt he has caused you but stop him spiralling into madness first.

Id very calmly say that i was a bit upset (dont turn HIS upset and fear into being all about you) but that ive never cheated (if thats true) and that if it reassured him that we can do a paternity test.

It would be hurtful, but he will be in turmoil, and its not exactly unheard of for people to cheat is it?

In your position I would get a DNA test done but whilst I have sympathy for your dp I don't know whether I could forgive him doubting his son and after his accusations I don't know if I could trust him.

You 100% shouldn't have to prove yourself he should believe you but in this case I think it might be needed.

I also think he may need counselling hes not taking the news well and probably feeling a loss of masculinity.

Op I hope your relationship survives this if you want it too and you manage to conceive again.

There are natural ways of increasing male fertility - google it.

Sperm count can be increased by:
Become teetotal
stop smoking
Eat very healthily
Take Vitamin mineral supplements - some are specially formulated for this.
Exercise.

But I do know that no way would my XH have given up alcohol if he was infertile and one of us was because we only had 1 child and TTC for about 4 years for DC2. (I didn't know any of the above then - it was a long time ago)

YANBU to be upset, but YABU to be angry at him for saying it. Frankly i'd be far more surprised if someone who received that news DIDN'T bring it up. Or at least if they didn't, probably wanted too.

You might know that you've never cheated, but you can never be sure that your partner hasn't, obviously you just have to rust them, but if you find evidence that points to the contrary then you will naturally be suspicious.

If I had to get a paternity test to prove to my husband that our child was his, our marriage would end the second he saw the results.

I would already be having serious misgivings if his response to this news is to be emotionally abusive.

I must ask to all you saying that it would be marriage over etc, if you found a second phone from your partner, suspicious behaviour, basically anything you get in the relationships forum (where the general implication is that they're ALWAYS cheating), would you ignore that and not look any further into it, because it'd be a lack of trust? And somehow emotional abuse?

It's hardly outrageous to suggest that when medical experts describe your baby's birth as a miracle, that you would have some serious misgivings. The fact is that cases of people pretending that baby's are their partners does happen. There's a genuine right to have concerns in this situation.

If I were you, I would have the DNA done even if DH was just a bit upset and doubtful. To put his mind at rest.
I would find it a normal reaction , even if DH had said nothing about his doubts. I 'd know it would arouse doubts and do it.

I also think you need to nip this in the bud.

Of course he's upset up the results, I'm sure you are too, but to suggest that DS may not be his is awful. Also, if you do fall pregnant again (and you have before so who knows) he will doubt you then too. I feel for you, I really do and while I do think he's lashing out, he shouldn't be doubting your fidelity.

I appreciate he is upset, but if he honestlyneeded a DNA test to be convinced DS was his, my marriage would be over. I would not be able to get over the fact that he really and truly felt that I had cheated on him.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but bollocks to all this 'I can understand why he feels like this'. No. If he loves you and trusts you this shouldn't be an issue. I would go mental at the suggestion that I had been unfaithful. Our DC1 is the image of me, not a scrap of DH in him is would seem. My DH has never for a second inferred he thinks our little boy is anything other than that, ours. Then along comes DC2 who is the image of DH and couldn't be less like me if she tried. DNA is a funny old thing.

I'd offer him a paternity test to knock it on the head, but if he took it up I think I'd have to think long and hard about being with a man who has so little respect for or faith in me.

"I must ask to all you saying that it would be marriage over etc, if you found a second phone from your partner, suspicious behaviour, basically anything you get in the relationships forum (where the general implication is that they're ALWAYS cheating), would you ignore that and not look any further into it, because it'd be a lack of trust? And somehow emotional abuse?"

Finding out that your child was conceived against the odds is not evidence of cheating.

What is wrong with you?

AmberNectarine that isn't even remotely similar, if your husband was told it was a miracle that child was conceived I'm sure questions would be raised, or at least he'd want to but might not for fear of the answer.

He didn't just accuse her of it because the baby didn't look like him, only after being told by medical experts it was a miracle. That'd set the alarm bells ringing in any man's head. No one, anywhere would ever be discovered as cheating if trust was so absolute.

AThinginYourLife Neither is having a second phone or any other manner of things people pick up on when someones. I remember a post in relationships where the phone turned out to be the father in laws who'd left in them car, should that have ended the relationship?

Clearly though no mother at all ever lets a man raise a child as their own even though they know it might not be. Clearly no women has ever made a mistake one night, conceived and not been sure if it was her husband's and not told him, and clearly there's no way someone would be reluctant of raising a child alone by opening that can of worms.

Take a step back and it's completely logical to suggest it might not be his.

"That'd set the alarm bells ringing in any man's head."

No, it really wouldn't.

You don't speak for all men.

Just your vile, misogynist self.

The first conclusion any remotely intelligent, well-informed man would come to was that there had been a change in his fertility.

Not that his own son was another man's child and his wife had been secret shagging around at the time they conceived.

Particularly if the man in question had got fat and started drinking heavily since the conception.

Logical if you hate women and think they are all out to get you.

Illogical if you love your wife and child and have no other cause to imagine infidelity.

And sorry, but having a secret phone is evidence of dishonesty.

Do you know what the word misogynist means? Because it doesn't mean having reasonable doubt in light of evidence you've been given. Yes fertility could have changed, but equally it might not have, it might not be his, it might be 1% in the back of his mind constantly nagging.

Clearly everyone in relationships is misanthropists though, and no one should ever be accused of cheating, ever, because clearly it's never happened before.

This is tricky. Being upset - yes. Having private doubts - yes, maybe. Behaving like an arse - not so much.

I think I would feel as you do OP

The point about the phone was it turned out in that case it was completely honest. According to this thread and you yourself that women is an arsehole and should have presumed someone left it in the car. I'd say in any normal human being it would create legitimate doubt, but clearly no one should ever bring up anything ever.

I hope you can talk to him about this and come to a place where you can do the test but tell him how you feel about having to do that.

As an aside, i don't understand why lashing out is still seen as something men do as a response to difficult and complicated emotions. Women have difficult and complicated emotions. We should not condone lashing outnfrom either gender.

Strongly suggest throwing blame for all this upset on the clinic and being a team in deciding to do that. You went into the appointment a loving family hoping for another baby, someone threw an emotional grenade and you're all three being hit by the shrapnel.

I'm not suggesting you take it up with the clinic in any way, but take the line with your DH "I believe 100% your fertility was enough to make our son and he's even more of a miracle than we thought. The clinic have done our heads in and we will get a test to prove we are all related despite their appalling implied suggestion you are not your son's dad"

ICSI might be the way to get your next DS perhaps? (I know how horrendous the cost is) Good luck to you all xx

I appreciate it's not the same SideSho, but OP's DH's reasoning is flimsy. If the DC looked exactly like him, would he be OK with it in spite of the medical evidence to the contrary? His wife's word should be enough, he's had no reason to doubt her until now, and nothing the OP has said suggests she has a history of infidelity. I just don't buy into this 'reasonable doubt' bit.

I am medically incredibly unlikely to conceive naturally, and yet both mine were conceived very quickly, and indeed a third was conceived in spite of contraception, though sadly ended in MC. The human body does amazing things and if I were him I'd be focusing on celebrating their miracle child and maximising the chances of conceiving a second instead of skulking around casting aspersions and bringing more upset to an already upsetting situation.

"Clearly everyone in relationships is misanthropists though, and no one should ever be accused of cheating, ever, because clearly it's never happened before."

You need to get a better grasp of logic and reasoning.

Just because some people have done something doesn't mean it makes sense to suspect everyone of it on the basis of no evidence whatsoever.

And yes, I do know what misogyny means. And I do know that you are a misogynist.

If you can't debate with people of differing views without throwing around labels, please kindly leave the thread.

Clearly this should just be a thread where everyone should tell the women who, rightfully upset as she may be, should be told by everyone that they would leave their husband (when they probably wouldn't) and try and make the situation more poisonous than it needs to be. And no one should at all try and explain or empathise with the husband and why he might be feeling the way he does.