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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended at dh seriously suggesting ds isn't his?

179 replies

Idbeloveandsweetness · 06/04/2013 21:15

We have a ds who is three and have been TTC for about two years for a second ds. Following infertility testing it has transpired that male factor infertility is the problem, basically we have been told that we have pretty much zero chance of conceiving naturally and ds must have been some sort of miracle (also conceived first month) or something must have changed with my dh since we conceived first time round.

Dh did not take the news well as he was convinced the problem was with me. We found the results out a few weeks back and the last few days he's been eyeing ds and saying things like "he doesn't look anything like me" and "I can see me in him at all." ds does to be fair look mainly like me and my side of the family but I can see dh's mother in him too. Anyway, dh has now point blank asked if ds is his! I am not impressed. Dh can't understand how we conceived ds so easily given that he's now been told he is basically infertile. I don't understand either...but it definitely happened!

Aibu to be hideously offended that dh is a) suggesting I'd cheat on him and b) then conceive a child that I'd pretend to be his?!

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 07/04/2013 13:34

Worry

You quoted

"basically we have been told that we have pretty much zero chance of conceiving naturally and ds must have been some sort of miracle"

And left off the crucial

"or something must have changed with my dh since we conceived first time round."

They were not told the child was a miracle.

They were told he might be a miracle if the recent SA results had been the same at the time if his conception.

Which is unknown.

With so much doubt, it is outrageous to jump immediately to denying your own child.

Molehillmountain · 07/04/2013 13:46

Sosanctimonious-we had a certain amount of choice. Dh has brownish red hair and we chose mid brown. He is tall so we went for a tall donor rather than a blood group match, since we have been and will be open with the dc about their conception. It's interesting that we have had three children, two of whom were the spit of me at birth, one who looks spookily like my sister and all three are regularly said to be the very image of dh. I can't argue with it-it's true, they do. But people often see what they want to see.

Molehillmountain · 07/04/2013 13:49

Sorry - was trying to remember your nickname as I typed last post and got it a bit wrong!

AThingInYourLife · 07/04/2013 13:51

People see what they want to see and what they expect to see.

But also things like mannerisms, facial expressions, gait, posture have a massive impact on appearance and they are learnt (at least in part).

My adopted cousin looks very like his non-adopted sister. And it was a foreign adoption, so there's an ethnic difference. But it's undeniable that they look alike.

GlitterySkulls · 07/04/2013 13:57

my DH & I had trouble conceiving- we assumed it was me as he has a child from a previous relationship.

turns out it was him, his sperm is apparently 100% immotile. zero chance of natural conception.we were put on the waiting list for ivf.

we conceived DS out of the blue. when he was 11 months old, we conceived again, although i lost that pregnancy. 2 months after i mc'd, we conceived DD. I'm now pregnant again- all the children are most definitely DH's.

basically, what i'm trying to say is, these things are never set in stone, & your DH is lashing out at you unfairly.

LadyFlumpalot · 07/04/2013 14:12

I've just gone outside and said to my DP:

"Assuming after we have this one, we couldn't get pregnant again and the doctors said you were infertile, what would you think about our two previous children?"

Hi immediate response, without even looking up from waxing the car, was:

"I'd assume my fertility had changed, why?"

Obviously, we haven't had the actual shock and impact that the OP's husband has had, but to my mind, whilst the initial thought may just be understandable, to keep on at it, isn't.

I'd drag him back to the clinic to have the doctors explain, as previous posters have said. Then if he still wanted a paternity test, I'd agree but the relationship would be over. Once a serious accusation of infidelity has been made, I don't think either party can ever get over it properly.

SideshoBob · 07/04/2013 14:17

Ladyflumpalot did you really expect him to tell you if there'd be any doubt in his mind? Turkey's don't vote for Christmas.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 07/04/2013 14:20

That the OP's DH is questioning whether their DS is his is not the same thing as accusing his wife of having had an affair. He may well be wondering whether a friend has helped OP out with a pre-loaded turkey baster, that she has had fertility treatment and not told him, that she has somehow got hold of donor sperm and not told him.

In no way am I accusing the DH of having been sensible or logical.

He is in a world of pain right now. Certainties have been pulled away from him. If he is not aware of anything having changed, no injury, no infection then he may then be struggling with the idea that DS was a miracle.

LadyFlumpalot · 07/04/2013 14:22

Yes, I would think he would tell me, we have this thing called honesty and trust in our relationship (and seeing as we have been together for 12 years since our mid teens it would not be the stupidest thing he has ever said to me!)

What the heck have turkeys got to do with Christmas?

AThingInYourLife · 07/04/2013 14:25

Not all men are self-serving, suspicious liars, SideSho.

Lady - I asked DH a similar question earlier, although he actually had SA after we had 2 children.

The idea that a bad result would have caused him to doubt his DDs' paternity didn't even occurr to him.

He said he'd think he was lucky to have the kids he had.

When I suggested doubts over paternity he said it might have struck him if he had other reasons to be suspicious.

I asked him later if he would consider it to be a big deal to deny his kids and accuse me of duping him into raising another man's children, and he said yes he would consider that a huge deal.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 07/04/2013 14:26

Interesting, LadyFlumpalot, I asked my DH the same thing and he said he would be left wondering. I dont take this as an insult from my DH. He and I are realists. We know a couple of men who have brought up children where pretty much everyone else doubted the official paternity on the basis of the women involved having been less than faithful.

GlitterySkulls · 07/04/2013 14:27

one thing i forgot to mention- when we were told the news, we pointed out DH already had a child, we were told point-blank no he didn't.

we knew he did, DSD is his spitting image, fgs, but the consultant refused to accept it.

in the end, we were told to get a DNA done for them- if she wasn't his, as they KNEW she wasn't (hah, wrong!), then they'd know he'd always been infertile, & our only option was sperm donation.

if she was his (which she was) then they'd know that he wasn't always infertile & they might be able to use his sperm after all.

everyone (bar the doctors, obviously) knew she was DH's child, but we did the test to shut them up. the results came through a few days after we got our bfp with DS Grin

AThingInYourLife · 07/04/2013 14:29

"If he is not aware of anything having changed"

But he is aware of gaining a lot of weight and becoming a heavy drinker.

Although I like the idea that he thinks the OP is the woman out of All I Want to Do is Make Love to You by Heart :o

LadyFlumpalot · 07/04/2013 14:32

I think these things are subjective as well, each person has different views on it, and whilst we can all agree the OP has a right to feel hurt, we will all disagree on how far that hurt would affect our relationships. For me - almost certainly a deal breaker. For others, not so much. Neither answer is wrong.

LadyIsabellaWrotham · 07/04/2013 14:35

I agree with glittery - regardless of whether this is just a temporary wobble and your DH regains his trust, your doctors may be privately looking at the numbers, applying Bayes' Theorem and assuming DS is not your DH's child. Having it proved to their satisfaction that he is may help your future treatment.

SideshoBob · 07/04/2013 14:37

LadyFlumpalot If he thinks your going to be upset with the answer he's not going to say anything about it.

And what do turkeys have to do with Christmas? Seriously? The phrase related to turkeys wouldn't vote for christmas because they get eaten on that day. Your husband isn't going to give an answer that is going to upset you and will give the answer of least resistance.

Aside from the stealth boasts of "look how great my husband is" asking a question out the context of the situation is really no help to anyone. It doesn't prove or show anything.

LadyFlumpalot · 07/04/2013 14:41

Sidesho, sorry, I had never heard of the saying before, and I wasn't trying to stealth boast.

Why the random attack on my post? Loads of other people have said roughly to same thing.

Also, to put it bluntly, my partner isn't clever (some may say calculating) enough to give anything other than an honest answer to protect him from a situation that hasn't arisen.

nokidshere · 07/04/2013 14:43

Just to add..

I was told I would never be able to have a child, 15 years of fertility treatment provided no results at all. 2 years after we stopped trying I fell pregnant naturally and 2 years after that I fell pregnant again.

Some things are just unexplainable!

LadyFlumpalot · 07/04/2013 14:44

Also, if you re-read my first post I did say that I appreciate that we haven't had the actual shock so it would be understandable to have the initial doubt.

AThingInYourLife · 07/04/2013 14:49

"It doesn't prove or show anything."

It proves that you are wrong when you claim that all men would immediately suspect their wife of adultery and their children of not being theirs.

SideshoBob · 07/04/2013 14:51

Ladyflumpalot it's not an attack (sorry if it came across that way) it's just bemusement that asking a question based on this made up situation is even remotely comparable. He's not experiencing the emotions, he won't have it eating away at the back of his mind (the accusation wasn't straight away here for example) and he's going to be thinking more logically.

If people would seriously leave their spouse over being accused then they seriously lack any empathy. Annoyed you may be, upset definitely, but certainly a complete lack of empathy.

SideshoBob · 07/04/2013 14:54

Athinginyourlife How does it? You asked your husband an extremely loaded question.

"I asked him later if he would consider it to be a big deal to deny his kids and accuse me of duping him into raising another man's children"

Jesus Christ, why not ask him if he'd put cyanide in your dinner? He was clearly never going to answer that question any other way.

foreverondiet · 07/04/2013 15:09

He is probably very upset, so I am a bit on the fence as his infertility news must be hard to deal with.

He should not have accused you of adultery BUT, as you know for sure its his son, suggest a paternity test just to put his mind at rest?

Tritenyears · 07/04/2013 15:59

OP I had a similar experience with DH (have name changed for this). We were ttc for ten years, had six failed IVF inc two miscarriages, then went to an overseas clinic who do additional (compared to standard tests done in the uk) sperm testing. The clinic found genetic problems with DH and said they believed it was the reason we had not conceived. We had IVF with donor sperm and conceived DD first time. We went back to try with frozen embryos, but weren't lucky again.

When DD turned two I found out I was pregnant. DH was initially thrilled, but then after the eight week scan started to get doubts it wasn't his. He had a test again showing the same severe genetic problems. He told me he wanted to leave, he said he didn't want this baby because he loved DD so much that he didn't want a biological child "in the way". It totally messed with his head after he had dealt so well with the infertility for years. There were some very painful discussions.

We agreed we would have a DNA test if he still wanted one when the baby was born, although I wanted to kill him for suggesting it and thought about leaving him. We agreed not to talk about it until then as we couldnt do anything and couldnt discuss it without rowing. Following this agreement,he got interested in the pregnancy, we started to get close again and DS was born. DS is now 5 months. Needless to say the DNA test has not been mentioned again and DH is the doting father to them both. It was awful, but he just needed time to get his head round things.

What your DH said was awful, worse for you as your DS is already here and that relationship established, I know how hurtful it is, and it's entirely up to you how you deal with it, but perhaps you can give him a little time. I would imagine he is devastated hurt and not dealing well with it at all. I hope your next results show a better fertility level.

garlicballs · 07/04/2013 16:01

you need to take the lead and guide your mutual healing process together, that means talking it through and offering reassurances

Yes, coz you is a woman. Obviously this makes you responsible for men's actions, thoughts and feelings. You have to talk reassuringly, as you would to a child.

Hmm FGS.

Can I just remind fellow posters that OP has found out she's unlikely to have any more children by the usual method? What about her feelings?!