To be offended at dh seriously suggesting ds isn't his?

[Idbeloveandsweetness]

We have a ds who is three and have been TTC for about two years for a second ds. Following infertility testing it has transpired that male factor infertility is the problem, basically we have been told that we have pretty much zero chance of conceiving naturally and ds must have been some sort of miracle (also conceived first month) or something must have changed with my dh since we conceived first time round.

Dh did not take the news well as he was convinced the problem was with me. We found the results out a few weeks back and the last few days he's been eyeing ds and saying things like "he doesn't look anything like me" and "I can see me in him at all." ds does to be fair look mainly like me and my side of the family but I can see dh's mother in him too. Anyway, dh has now point blank asked if ds is his! I am not impressed. Dh can't understand how we conceived ds so easily given that he's now been told he is basically infertile. I don't understand either...but it definitely happened!

Aibu to be hideously offended that dh is a) suggesting I'd cheat on him and b) then conceive a child that I'd pretend to be his?!

If he is that concerned HE can organise a paternity test. Bodies change as does fertility, but to lay the blame on your partner is vile and horrible.

No matter what he feels, it is not a green light to accuse his partner of cheating and lying.

Think of how this will be affecting the child in this- they will know something is different.

lueji He wouldn't be able to get a DNA test off his own back it's illegal to have a DNA test without the mothers consent- one useful thing I've learnt off Jeremy Kyle

Legal it may nt be but you definitely can get them done in secret. Like I said I looked into it after problems wit xp and was shocked to discover the lengths some sites said they were willin to go to help you hide what you are up to. Posting it to works address, arranging collection, misleading packaging. The sites suggested samples from hairbrushes as most reliable

I really feel for you. I don't know if its helpful as your circumstances are different to ours but dh has a zero sperm count due to a genetic blip. It was a bleak time when we found out and I had some very dark and horrible thoughts and feelings, not all of them supportive towards dh and at the time I am ashamed to admit that I took some strange comfort in feeling the problem wasn't with me. Luckily, I never quite got to the point where they blurted out to dh because I could see, thanks in part to counselling, that I was lashing out in anger by thinking things. A bit like people often do when they're bereaved.

Infertility is grim. We are very very lucky that we now have three children conceived with donor sperm and they are fabulous. But I will always remember how awful those few months between finding out and getting pregnant were. The very worst thing was the irrational bitter, nasty thoughts that I felt really guilty about having.
I don't know what you should do in your situation and I don't know how ours would have turned out if I'd actually said some of the things I'd thought. But I wanted you to know that it messes with the heads of some usually pretty decent people (I'd like to think!).

wow. so, if you didn't know your partner was sneaking around looking for samples from a hair brush you could brush your own hair with it... then it would obviously come back 'no match' and be taken as proof that the unsub was not the father.

with that in mind then, I'd say ok, formal dna test to put your mind at rest and keep re-iterating that you have no doubt. so make it clear that you won't be looking out for the postman, and you won't be celebrating the result.

i think i read about some woman in the paper years ago whose husband put her through this, and then when the results came back he expected her to celebrate the results. she 'celebrated' a relief that it was all over, but then later felt annoyed with herself that she had celebrated something with him that had always and should always have been accepted.

Molehill, did you match the donor to your husband's physical appearance? how much choice did you get wrt the physical appearance of the donor

How many on here woiuld advocate the husband snooping around for proof? SanctiMOMious has already mentioned getting hair from a brush.

Would it be any different to the "I think my husband is cheating on me should I snoop?" threads.

Thank you for all the advice.
I've never cheated on dh or give him any cause to think I have.
Ds looked like my side of the family as soon as he was born, however I have seen some childhood photos of dh and there is a resemblance. My side are all quite short, dh's all tall and ds is definitely going to be tall. I don't think dh is thinking rationally.

I think that I won't suggest a paternity test as it may look like I'm unsure too? Maybe? But will agree to it if dh suggests it.
I think perhaps dh maybe has never been very fertile but the drinking and being overweight maybe tipped the balance in favour of being infertile. I am hoping that with the lifestyle changes we may see some improvement in the next test next month. If we do that may put some of dh's concerns to rest.

It's difficult, because as I said I'm devastated too. At the moment our only option would be icsi but it is very expensive and traumatic. I'm not sure we would put ourselves through it since we are lucky enough to have ds. I'm trying to be understanding of dh as I know this has knocked him for six but I can't help but be hurt that he is seriously suggesting I'd cheat on him and then pass off a child as his for nearly four years if there were any doubt at all in my mind.

People who trust their DPs implicitly do still get cheated on. Happens all the time.

Your DH has been an arse, but in a funny sort of way it's easier to deal with than if he were a "nice bloke" who said nothing but always had niggling doubts. I'd say "Yes, DS can only be yours. Either we were extremely lucky or your sperm has deteriorated. If you still have any doubts at all then I'd be happy for you to do a paternity test to kill them once and for all so we can move on."

Oh and we were told that we'd need ICSI. We had to cancel the appointment due to pregnancy, and now have two naturally conceived DC. Very best of luck with everything, and enjoy your miracle boy.

If the doctor had said to your dh "you were born with no testicles and therefore can never have fathered a child" then it would be acceptable for your dh to request a paternity test.

If I suffered from secondary infertility I would presume something had altered since my first conception. Aging, medical problems, gin lifestyle etc.

That should have been your dh's first thought. Really.

I wouldn't advocate snooping for the very reasons up thread. Although it did occur to me at the time that it works both ways, if I had been unsure I could have sneaked a sample and tested.

I don't think it would be suspicious for you to suggest it (your dh might think differently?) for me it was an ultimatum, test or shut up about it because we are not discussing this again.

It's shit that he's taking this out on you, unfortunately it's often what happens with nearest and dearest.

A pp was honest enough to admit that she was secretly glad the problem was him not her and that people don't always behave their best in these circs. He will also be frightened you will leave him to have kids with someone whi is fertile.

Lots of reassurance is in order, both ways. Good luck op

I think it is different if you know something for certain and the other person doesn't. Imagine if you had DS using a surrogate (yours eggs, DH sperm) and then he was infertile. Would it not cross your mind that maybe they had got the sperm from someone else muddled up?

I think you should tell him how upset this has made you and ask him if he would like to do a DNA. However be prepared. Even though you know the test will be positive it's still a worry that something will go wrong and it'll come back inconclusive or wrong result. It won't (if you pick a reliable company) but you will feel what it's like to have ...doubt.

My mother was asked by a fertility doctor if she was sure I was my dad's!

Apparently my dad shouldn't have been able to father children and I was a bit of a miracle. It does happen, in my parents case they're both convinced that a holiday they took to Greece was responsible for whatever slight increase in my dad's fertility which resulted in my conception. They never had any more.

It's also possible that your husbands sperm count has declined since you've had your son, it may have been low before but reduced even further since.

I'd be livid if I were you

But n that case, you wouldn't be saying that your partner had cheated and then deliberately lied informer to get them to raise the child.

Yes but the doubt came first and the implication second.

He never mentioned her cheating before so it wasn't a concern until this point. He probably knows he's being daft but it fairly natural to want answers ,to know how long he hasn't been fertile for example.Is thisnot an expression of that perhaps?

I haven't read every post so sorry if I am repeating anyone..

Secondary infertility is far more common than being infertile ever. People assume that because they have had one child then they should be able to have another and, sadly thats not always the case.

Sometimes its just fluke that they got pregnant in the first place and sometimes its because something has changed since the first birth.

I certainly wouldn;t be offering a dna test. I would be going back to the Drs and asking him to explain how fertility and secondary infertility works so that your DH understands it better.

That seems like the best solution, nokidshere. The test is something they can't go back from - it says that he doubts her integrity. If the doctor explains everything to him and he still wants a test, then at least the OP will know what her husband thinks of her. But hopefully, he will be satisfied by a proper explanation from the doctor.

I'd insist on a dna test if only to prevent any serious long term damage developing in the relationship between father and son.

Then I'd march him to a doctor who could explain secondary infertility to him.

Then he'd have to book our first relate appointment. I've already said that forgiving the slur to my child was something I've really struggled with over the years like nothing else my ex ever did up to and including HIS infidelity & leaving me at 7 month pg. Everything else is water under the bridge nowadays bar that. I just wonder how many of those who take the passive be understanding line would actually react if it happened to them - I was truly shocked by the depth of my own emotions.

"t it fairly natural to want answers ,to know how long he hasn't been fertile for example.Is thisnot an expression of that perhaps?"

There are so many ways of getting those answers without denying your child and accusing your wife of adultery.

The obvious "test" here woukd be to see if his results have improved since he lost weight and stopped drinking.

The hospital offered 2 explanations

1 you conceived your son against the odds

2 there have been changes since your son was conceived that made you infertile.

Even knowing number 2 to be overwhelmingly likely, he goes straight for his own explanation

3 your wife is a scheming bitch and that is another man's child

There really isn't a worse accusation you could make against a spouse. To do it with zero evidence is dreadful.

And one bad SA result doesn't justify it.

I don't think saying "be understanding" is being passive. You can understand why someone is acting wrongly and be hurt by it.

He has really hurt you. Don't ignore that. Be also be aware that he is poleaxed and not himself.

Listen to those of us on here who have suffered the madness of infertility. We are all saying similar things.

You both need counselling, you both need TLC. You think you are OK but you are not. Your DH is coming out with hurtful rubbish. Yes he probably thought it was you because of the CS, he probably pschyed himself up to be supportive, probably thought it meant some horrible treatment but that there was hope. And that's all been turned around and dashed on the ground.

He is talking rubbish - but I'd view it more as the ramblings of a crazy, delerious man. I could be wrong, you could have married a chauvinist git.

Did you?

athinginyourlife - according to the OP:

basically we have been told that we have pretty much zero chance of conceiving naturally and ds must have been some sort of miracle

This is not one slightly duff sperm test. Doctors on the whole dont hand out this kind of devastating news lightly.

I would be doing the test not just for DH but also to be able to go back to the doctor to use it as leverage to get more testing, more advice. Who knows, the doctor may be thinking that on the basis of the tests that the first child is not the DH's but wont say so.

Getting proof positive of paternity may give the doctor pause for thought.

We struggled to conceive our first child. One of the hardest things was to get doctors to talk to us as intelligent adults. They seemed to want to brush us away with minimal explanations.

Bochead, as I said up thread my ex did deny dd for no better reason that he's a paranoid wreck. I offered to pay half of test costs if he organised it because I wasn't willing to have it hang over us all.

I still advocate understanding and reassurance. Surely that is the best way to conduct a relationship with someone you love.

I still would be/ was mad and hurt.

did he need the ops permission to get a DNA test? no, the emotional abuse started when baasd on no evidence of an affair he's decided to hurt his wife by making constant allusions to an affair. Fertility is variable.

the op will be mourning her loss of having a second child too. but she isn't saying she is going to leave her husband now he is infertile is she? that would be a shitty unreasonable thing to do.