To think having a wedding on a Thursday is a bit ... well, inconsiderate

[sheeplikessleep]

I know, I know, I know, it's their wedding, they should have it however and whenever they want it. Of course they should.

But because we live 4 hours away, it's taking DS1 out of school for 2 days and 2 days holiday for DH. Of course, we will go (it's my SIL), I just wish it had been on a Saturday, or even a Friday (which would have been just one day off).

Most of our friends and family have children and/or work in the week. A lot are teachers.

A term time, weekday wedding would be impossible for them so we'd be unreasonable to expect them to attend. On top of that, travel and accommodation is generally dearer in the week and I wouldn't feel happy to offload the cost like that.

Fwiw I wouldn't take ds out of school either. Never have in fact, in almost 8 years, for anything other than illness.

I don't think people on MN are precious about taking their DCs out of school at all. The attitude seems to be that primary is a bit of a waste of time and the children will learn more lying on a beach. Depressing.

Yellow, I don't, and I wasn't aiming my post at the OP at all. She clearly cares very much about her child's education. I was responding to the many posters who are saying that missing two days of school at six years old doesn't matter. When quite often, it does matter.

I realise every case is different, but in my experience of working in a school, the parents who think the least about taking children out of school because of a holiday, or because it's a family birthday, or because the car has broken down and they can't be bothered to walk, tend to have the children that need the most help at school.

I dont think that the OP is BU at all!

It is selfish if you are holding your wedding on a day that you know will mean time of work/school etc and in a place that will mean a lot of travel/hotel costs etc and not considering the fact that they might not be able to come. I am sure that the SIL would kick off big style if the OP explained that they can't come, and has already nixed the idea of them leaving early. It isnt actually for the SIL to say when they are leaving, but she is trying to!

She does sound selfish and self absorbed to me.

Having a wedding on a weekday is absolutely fine, but you have to accept that certain people may not be able to come. If you are going to insist that everyone must attend then you should have it on a more accessible day and in a more accessible place.

^^ THIS THIS THIS!!!!

I don't really get people like the OP's SIL.

It's fine(ish) to have a mid-week wedding. It's even fine to be really hopeful that important people will go out of their way to attend.

But to sulk and guilt-trip and mope as the way of getting people to be there...? How old is she?!

Anyone I know would call up the important people, explain the wedding's on a Thursday, apologise for not making it as easy for guests as possible, really hope they understand, be a bit self-deprecating, and let them know that you know it's a pretty big ask, and tell them that you would really, hugely appreciate any effort they can make to be there. Be nice about it, basically.

They wouldn't strop about and guilt-trip and then be all horrified when everyone isn't instantly ready to do their bidding, drop everything, and go massively out of their way for them.

People are so much more disposed to go out of their way, when you're pleasant. It's amazing how many people don't understand this simple fact.

I don't think people on MN are precious about taking their DCs out of school at all. The attitude seems to be that primary is a bit of a waste of time and the children will learn more lying on a beach. Depressing.

I think actually a lot of people's primary schools are "precious" about people taking children out of school for a day or two. Like giving you a fine for doing so. And a lot of people can't just take time off work in the week, even with months of notice.

I agree there are evening dos and evening dos. Sometimes though you really do feel like an afterthought as an evening only guest. One time loads of us schlepped 4-5 hours and had an overnight stay to attend an evening do. As we evening guests arrived at the appointed time, ordered drinks, chatted, generally settled in they started to put the buffet out on the table. The day guests who must have finished their wedding breakfast a whole hour earlier piled into it and a large number of the evening only guests didn't get a look in, it was absolutely wiped out. Cue wedding party charging around trying to get hotel staff to provide more buffet. They did - a few sweaty sandwiches. Great. That, a crap DJ and warm expensive beer was really worth going all that way for, spending £150 and giving up the weekend.

Thanks all for posting, I do appreciate hearing everyones (polarised!) thoughts.

I am going to speak to DSs teacher (who is also the Deputy Head) on Wednesday, when I'm next doing pick up and ask her about typical workload on a Friday afternoon. Explain my concerns and ask in this instance, if it's possible to get extra work to compensate etc.

DH isn't being brotherzilla. He just doesn't like confrontation, especially with his family (which frustrates me to the core!). But then I'm also a bit of the alpha-female in our relationship, seriously, my own family joke he is 'under the thumb' a bit. I'm as stubborn as a mule, he just gives in for an 'easy life', whether that be me or his family.

We all definitely want to go, as a family, for the day itself. That isn't under question. It's just I'd feel more comfortable getting back for DS to get back into school late morning on the Friday. We're just deciding the best way of doing that.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I'm surprised by how many have said they agree my SIL is being inconsiderate and even more shocked by how many say they wouldn't go at all (this isn't something I would contemplate doing).

I do think those who say "only those who care enough will come" is a bit strange. Of course I care for my SIL, but at what point does it become too much? If it was like a 2 week wedding abroad, £5,000 flights, hotel etc, is that then becoming unreasonable. Surely it's a sliding scale? It's not about how much do you love or care for someone. It's about looking forward to enjoying their day, without fear of family battles at being seen as unreasonable because it is inconvenient, and trying to get to it without sacrificing other stuff. I also think those who have arranged weekday weddings because their nearest and dearest find weekdays easier (or in school holidays) are very considerate.

Agree that the "only those who care enough will come" attitude is a bit off. If it's that important, it's something the bride and groom should consider too.

When DH & I married, we told our "must have" guests (parents, siblings, v. close friends) the approximate weeks we were looking at, asked them if the had any prior commitments for that month, took typical work patterns into account, before settling on a date that would work for everyone.

We did this because we cared about them being there, and didn't want to make it difficult or impossible for them to be there, especially in the case of those loved ones living a few hours drive away.

It's definitely inconsiderate to pick a date or weekday that's inconvenient (because of schooling in the OP's case) and then kick up a fuss because some guests are finding it difficult to get to.

Purplestorm - can you be my SIL please ?

The 'giving enough notice' is a decent gesture, I get that, but it still doesn't wipe out the weekday problem because for some people - perhaps at certain times of the year - it will be impossible to take time off no matter how much notice you give. Similarly, even with (as someone mentioned) 18 months' notice, that won't put someone with a very basic annual leave allowance of 20 days in a different position, especially if that leave is usually used up on covering childcare in school holidays.

Again, as has been repeatedly said, if couples choose to do this it's down to them, but it is very off to then make a big fuss if people hesitate over attending because it will cause problems with their workplace or will cost them significantly in terms of money laid out and leave used.

This is the difference between actually valuing having people there because of what they mean to you, and having people there because they provide the required window dressing for your Special Day.

Sorry - DH & I have run out of unattached siblings!

Maybe a proxy-SIL then?

The obvious is that your DH goes (his sister) and you don't?
If he will not be away from Family for Family events (even those that you feel deeply resentful of and for family members you bitch about online) then you all go, but drive the 4 hrs back home afterwards? - so long as you stay long enough for the first dance then it's perfectly acceptable. Your DC sleeps in the car home, is knackered on Friday but not so bad that he can't make school, you spend the weekend making a major effort to get him up to speed on homework/etc and get him to write a really nice thank-you-for-inviting-us letter to SIL, thereby using him to smooth ruffled feathers (there has to be some advantage ton ahivng children, surely?).
People get married on a day that isn't Saturday because it's cheaper, becuase they want to keep the numbers down, because it's an important date for them, becuase it's the only available when the venue and the officiant they really really like is available.... etc. Not becuase they want to piss of their guests.

.. piss off their guests, even.

Seriously though, I hope your SIL starts being a bit less of a bridezilla about this.

And that it works out with regard to getting catch up work for your DS.

Ours was on a friday as it was cheaper. Also our holiday let started on Saturday so it worked out. I let people know 3 mths in advance, the ones that thought it important to be there took time off.

We all understand the reasons why they do it mid-week, bump - it's in the way you position that to your guests though, surely? There's way and ways of asking people, and expecting them to drop everything does not endear you to people...

I would worry about being the bride here, in case the "A" lists guests couldn't make it, and only the "B" list guests could come, iyswim. I know someone who married abroad, invited everyone on the assumption that most would decline given the costs, and some of her closest friends couldn't make it, yet her workmates did!! Oooooo not good!

I think it's a cheapskate and rude thing to do

"DH isn't being brotherzilla."

Well tbh I think that he kind of is as he's insisting that your children take time off school even though you're against it.

He's also brushing aside your attempts to compromise with as little time off as possible/asking about missed work.

It's all about his sister's wedding at all costs.

Diddl - it's DH who suggested we speak with the teacher about missed work / even hiring in a tutor that weekend (although I know it wouldn't work as a 'one off'). He is also happy to do whatever I want - he will go alone, or we all go and will leave on the Thursday evening. Or we leave first thing Friday.

He has said that he disagrees with me, but knows I feel strongly about it. He thinks that by the time we get back on the Friday, DS will be too tired for school, or if we drive back through the night Thursday, he will still be pretty exhausted for school.

But as I say, he will go with what I'd prefer. But he doesn't agree with me in the slightest (like some of the people on this thread). Fair enough, he's his own person. In no way is he saying "right, we're going for the two full days, end of."

I spoke with a friend last night, who did say that by leaving at 8/9pm, we are staying for the duration (pretty much) and with the ages of our DC, it's not like we'll be able to party into the night anyway (fine chance!).

As I say, 8 month olds have an ability to make everything go belly up anyway! My sister was at a wedding with her 8 month old a few years ago and had to leave at 9pm, as the baby just wouldn't settle in the hotel bedroom, after 3 hours of screaming.

I just wish (and hope!) that SIL realises that we will be pretty much there for the duration and it doesn't end up a big hoo-ha. I don't think we're being unreasonable by going after the first dance and when the kids are starting to get tired.

I agree that he will probably be too tired for school-and that with three young children you might want to leave early!

Mind you, I'm one of those odd folks who think that it's the ceremony that's important.

I guess that's why I don't really get the big deal about children attending weddings-sure, great for them to see extended family, but depending on the wedding,can be boring for them.

Hope your baby doesn't take up too much attention

I think your SIL is BU about laying a guilt trip on you regarding whether or you not you stay for the second day given that she's chosen to have a week day wedding (and don't get me started on the dictating what the guests wear - don't get that at all).

However...it is a big family occasion (and it is a big deal, particularly if you only have a small family I think), and your DS is 6yo.

I am not an advocate of taking holidays/time off in term time for the sake of it by any stretch of the imagination (I work at one school and am parent governor at another), but given his age and under the circumstances I really feel you are over thinking it. With two younger children as well you will probably make it incredibly stressful for yourself and DH if you try and dash back for half a days school, your DS will be knackered and your in-law's put out.

Quite honestly I would just go for the 2 days and enjoy it, and maybe ask if you can have a little work for your DS to do at home on the Saturday/Sunday when he's less tired.

Diddl - I agree that the daytime is the important bit too, I really do.

(I can't wait for baby to take up my attention , so exciting!)