Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11

Original poster

To think having a wedding on a Thursday is a bit ... well, inconsiderate

259 replies

sheeplikessleep · 10/03/2013 19:53

I know, I know, I know, it's their wedding, they should have it however and whenever they want it. Of course they should.

But because we live 4 hours away, it's taking DS1 out of school for 2 days and 2 days holiday for DH. Of course, we will go (it's my SIL), I just wish it had been on a Saturday, or even a Friday (which would have been just one day off).

OP posts:

woopsidaisy · 11/03/2013 10:25

Where I got married only did weddings on a Monday or Thursday. I got the last Thursday of that Summer. It only held 120 people, and that is how many I invited. 113 were able to come, and DHs family were all coming from England. None of my friends had kids, but wee cousins were there, youngest was about 4/5.
They had their own "kids meal" in the bar watching cartoons. The hotel provided a member of staff-we paid for this- who played and looked after the kids. I had brought a bag of toys and treats for them. They were all boys and played football too.
There was no discount for having the wedding on a week day.

Original poster

sheeplikessleep · 11/03/2013 10:31

Diddl - I say it's DHs decision, because it is his sister. If it were my side of the family, I'd expect to make the final decision myself. It is a big event, DH does only have one sister. I wouldn't take DS out of school for a friends wedding.

DH has said that he doesn't agree, but he will go by himself / take our middle son or we could all leave on the evening. I know that if I asked him to, he would do any of those things. But in my heart, I feel that the final say should come down to him, as it's his family.

I think we are going to go for the day and either drive back half that evening (leave at like 9pm or 10pm) and half the following morning, or stay at the hotel and have left by like 7am the Friday morning (DS2 is a 5.30am waker anyway and we'll all be in one hotel room), to get DS1 back for school late morning / lunchtime. That to me feels like a compromise. TBH, it'll probably all go belly up with an 8 month old, just turned 4 year old and 6 year old anyway!

I know SIL will be annoyed we aren't staying for the Friday too and I know there'll be comments made (their attitudes towards education and school are polar opposite to mine). If she's mardy, then I'll say we can leave DS1 with relatives and we'll bring DS2 and DC3 for the full schebang, so DS1 doesn't miss school at all. See what she'd rather we did.

OP posts:

KatAndKit · 11/03/2013 10:53

For immediate family I think it is perfectly reasonable to take the children out of school. It is only two days. If they are 4 and 6, then the 4 year old is below compulsory school age and the 6 year old is not going to fail A levels as a result of missing two days. The baby will manage. If you are going then go for the whole event and chill out at the hotel the next morning. I think it is a bit mean if you all go except DS1 and he is being left out to avoid missing a tiny amount of school.

Asheth · 11/03/2013 11:01

I think you should talk to yuor DS's school before making any decisions. Most schools will authorise some time off for special circumstances, especially if his attendance is otherwise good.

two days off will not blight his entire education. Education doesn't just happen in school in any case. At some point your DS will probably do (if he hasn't already) a topic on celebrations and seeing a real life wedding is much better and more educational than reading about it. And please don't leave him behind just to score points off your SIL, because missing out on an important family event will be much worse than missing two days of school. He'll soon forget he ever missed a few days of school, but the photos of the wedding will be at his grandparents house forever...

TBH I'd be more annoyed at the two days of holiday your DH has to use, but as he doesn't seem to mind and probably sees the event as a treat in any case, as it's his family.

Original poster

sheeplikessleep · 11/03/2013 11:02

Kat - I really don't want to not take DS1. I just think we should go for the day, but head back first thing Friday, so he at least goes for some of the school day on the Friday.

OP posts:

LazyMonkeyButler · 11/03/2013 11:11

I would go, your DCs are still very young - as others have said, missing 2 days of school at 4 and 6 years old is not going to adversely affect their futures.

Also, love the assumption that weekday weddings are always more inconvenient because everyone works Monday to Friday don't they? Personally, I work weekends and would love to be invited to a Thursday wedding rather than a Saturday one!

LazyMonkeyButler · 11/03/2013 11:14

Just noticed, StuntGirl had already made the same point .

KatAndKit · 11/03/2013 11:19

Really he isn't going to benefit that much from getting to school for Friday afternoon. Most of the literacy and numeracy takes place in the morning session. Many infant schools use Friday afternoon for "golden time" or whatever they call it. So fun stuff. He could be having fun with his family. He is 6. And he would be tired from a busy day and a long journey so not really up for much at school anyway. Forget about school, take the two days off and attend the wedding without adding extra stress. If necessary, ask the teacher if there are one or two worksheets he could do at home at the weekend to make up an hour or two of missed work.

CloudsAndTrees · 11/03/2013 11:26

Some parents really don't realise the problem missing school can cause, even in KS1. If a child is sick, then of course it's unavoidable and the priority is getting the child well again. And while a child isn't going to fail all their GCSEs just because they've missed a couple of days of school at six years old, that doesn't mean it's not going to make a difference to them.

Often, children at that age a still learning to read, and need all the help they can get with that. Often, the parents that don't think twice about taking their child out of school for holidays or special occasions, are also the parents that don't make an effort to read with their child every day. So while they take their child out of school, the gap between their child who is a slow reader and all the other children is growing wider and wider, and whether they want to admit it or not, this does have an effect on the child, and on the rest of the class.

Asheth · 11/03/2013 11:35

But I would suggest that it is the not helping the child at home that causes the problem, not the occasional day off school. We have no reason to believe that the OP is anything other than a supportive parent. And if she encourages her DC to talk about their experiences at the wedding then that is just as educational as anything they will do in school - there's all the new vocabulary that can come out of a different experience, he could be encouraged to make and write his own wedding card, there may be different foods to try, the social skills of meeting family friends and relatives.

KatAndKit · 11/03/2013 11:35

I suspect the OP is not the sort who does not care about education and I would imagine she does read with him at home etc. There is a difference between a genuine once off proper special family occasion involving close family and people who take their kids out of school on a regular basis for spurious reasons. If the OPs child has not had a lot of time off sick and rarely misses school, attending this wedding is not going to blight his chances in life. The OP sounds quite serious about school in general so I would bet her child has an excellent attendance record.

whiteandyellowiris · 11/03/2013 11:38

yabu

diddl · 11/03/2013 11:49

"Diddl - I say it's DHs decision, because it is his sister."

OK-I get that.

I was thinking that you meant you will all do whatever he wants because it's his sister iyswim.

I know that I wouldn't take children out of school & that my husband would be in agreement with me.

He would go alone.

I know I am in a minority, but I hate all this-"he won't miss much, it's only Friday afternoon..."

I hate that so little importance is placed on education.

Original poster

sheeplikessleep · 11/03/2013 11:53

Just to say, apart from the occasional stomach bug, DS hasn't had any time off school.

We are paying more money to take him on holiday in half term, rather than during term time, as I personally believe that we go on whatever holiday we can afford during the school holiday. I know everyone has different opinions on this, which is totally fine, you do what you believe in and what is right for one person, isn't right for another.

And yes, he does have a bedtime story and reads to me / DH every night .

So no, I don't think I would win the laissez-faire parent of the year award by any stretch and am a self-labelled worrier!

OP posts:

Original poster

sheeplikessleep · 11/03/2013 12:01

I did speak with the school admin office this morning and got the impression it would be approved.
I am going to catch 2 minutes with his teacher this afternoon and just ask her opinion whether it is worth getting back for the afternoon and likely workload in the pm.
DH doesn't agree with me on it. He thinks I'm overworrying it, that we ask the school for information on what he would be being taught those two days and spend time covering it with him ourselves. He says it's a once in a lifetime occasion (I didn't want to point out SIL has been married before ) and that it is just two days, it's not a whole week.
What will frustrate me and what has happened already on the call DH had with his sister last night is the emotional blackmail / guilt trip with it (from the in-laws, not DH). DH said "she sounded really upset". All he said was that it was during term time and we have to check it out with the school and maybe we might have to drive back through the Thursday night. Cue response from SIL saying "but you're my only sibling, we don't have a big family and fiancee has a huge family". That is what pisses me off, that it isn't even about her wanting us all to be there (although I'm sure she does want us all there, that wasn't her immediate response).
Anyways, can't believe the number of posts this thread has received!

OP posts:

diddl · 11/03/2013 12:37

"He says it's a once in a lifetime occasion"

Really-a family wedding??!!

Isn't that a bit brother of the bridezilla?

LazyMonkeyButler · 11/03/2013 13:06

*"He says it's a once in a lifetime occasion"

Really-a family wedding??!!*

When your family consists of two siblings and one is already married then yes, one would hope for it to be the last such occasion in their family. There's not much point getting married in the first place if you're already thinking "next time round, I'll book it for a Saturday" .

shewhowines · 11/03/2013 13:25

YANBU

If you've spent more money on a half term holiday then it obviously means something to you.

I think you are right though, that it is important to Dh to go, so you will need to "suck it up".

I wouldn't be in a rush to get DS back to school just for the Fri aft. This is the time when "golden time or equivalent" happens and therefore often less actual learning. Half a day isn't worth it.

In the long run it won't harm him to miss 2 days especially as he is so young, but I can understand you feeling peeved. Yes it is their wedding but it is selfish of them not to consider the impact on their guests.

milf90 · 11/03/2013 13:35

This has hit a nerve for me as we have just booked a week day wedding (Tuesday so even worse I guess!) though it is in the summer holidays so it doesn't involve children missing school, just people missing work...

We wouldn't have been able to afford getting married On a Thursday, never mind the weekend!! Thrs, fri and weekend are exclusive use only, which is an extra 6 grand and it's an extra £500 for Friday and sunday and £1000 for Saturday on top of that.

People who really care will book the time off

Maebe · 11/03/2013 13:45

But surely it isn't a matter of people who care booking the time off? What if they don't have enough annual leave left, or are in a job where it's just not that simple to take weekdays off? Obviously this is a problem whenever you book weddings, but I imagine the significant majority of people work Mon-Fri.

anonacfr · 11/03/2013 13:50

'People who care will book the time off'.

If they can. They might have booked their yearly allowance already, they might have budget issues (they need to book hotels etc for potentially two nights).
The fact is for 90% of people Saturday weddings are easier.

By all means book in the week if it's better for you but you have to be prepared for the fact that even people who care might not be able to make it.
I missed the wedding of a known-since-we-were-born friend because she chose to get married on a Friday back in her childhood middle of nowhere home.

shewhowines · 11/03/2013 14:01

By all means book in the week if it's better for you but you have to be prepared for the fact that even people who care might not be able to make it.

or even if they do care and do book the time off, then they may be quite resentful of the impact on them.

I would do it but it doesn't mean to say I like it.

SingSongMummy · 11/03/2013 14:02

milf90 - it's not about whether they care enough, some people just can't take mid week days off. If you 'cared' enough you could book a cheaper venue for a weekend!

redplasticspoon · 11/03/2013 14:18

Yabvu.

People often don't have a choice as a weekday is all that they can afford (the price difference is huge). Also have you thought that maybe they are doing it so that only people that really want to come? A friends parents chose a weekday, as they thought anyone that matters will take a day off work to see you get married.

mrsjay · 11/03/2013 14:25

was it cheaper on a thursday perhaps ? YABU you know you are if people want to go they will and you are going to go your child isn't going to miss that much school for 2 days, I got married on a friday people came and I hope nobody moaned,

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11