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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think having a wedding on a Thursday is a bit ... well, inconsiderate

259 replies

sheeplikessleep · 10/03/2013 19:53

I know, I know, I know, it's their wedding, they should have it however and whenever they want it. Of course they should.

But because we live 4 hours away, it's taking DS1 out of school for 2 days and 2 days holiday for DH. Of course, we will go (it's my SIL), I just wish it had been on a Saturday, or even a Friday (which would have been just one day off).

OP posts:
atthewelles · 12/03/2013 11:03

YANBU. I know there's a cost factor for the B&G but it is still a bit inconsiderate, if you know guests have a long journey to make, to hold a wedding midweek.
However, a lot of brides and grooms get so caught up in the 'our special day' angle that they often overlook the real inconvenience they often cause their guests by some of their decisions (and family and friends are part of what makes the day special, after all).

Bogeyface · 12/03/2013 11:33

He thinks that by the time we get back on the Friday, DS will be too tired for school, or if we drive back through the night Thursday, he will still be pretty exhausted for school.

I have to say that I agree with him. If you are going then I think you just need to write these 2 days off. Its unlikely that they will be doing anything uncatch-upable in those 2 days. I am a bit concerned about your obsession with his schooling for 2 days, talk of a tutor is a bit OTT. Are you sure there isnt more to this than just missing a couple of days for a wedding? Seems a very big reaction.

Katiepoes · 12/03/2013 12:23

It's your sister in law! Not a colleague or second cousin or friend from school - yes it's inconvenient but it's a wedding, a one off (I hope) very special occasion. Go for the two days and have a lovely time.

I of course am biased -I'm one of those inconsiderate wenches that married on a weekday. A Monday to be precise - apart from my obvious selfishness there was the small matter that at the time civil ceremonies in Ireland could only be held on a weekday, the venue we wanted had a minimum number of 250 (!!) on a Saturday and even then all Saturdays were booked for almost three years.

So yes I could have been less selfish and married in the church and added 170 people to my guestlist and waited three years. I went with the inconsiderate Bridezilla angle.

Weddings bring out such snippiness. No matter what a couple do someone will be miffed.

Bogeyface · 12/03/2013 12:25

Katie I dont think its the fact that its on a weekday so much as the bride kicking off at the thought that they might not be able to stay for the full 2 days. She wants them there for the whole thing AND stay the next day too. Even for a weekend wedding, that is BU, guests choose when they leave, they are not told!

TheCraicDealer · 12/03/2013 12:46

OP, did you start a thread a few months back gripping about the black and white "theme"? Sorry if I'm confusing you with another poster, but you seemed annoyed about the whole scenario even then, before this Thursday thing was thrown into the mix.

Missing school isn't that a big a deal- it would be different if you were the type of person who took them out of class for annual summer holidays or their birthday (who does this?!). But you seem to be very conscientious about attendance. One day will not matter, really. And you could easily turn it into a nice family weekend away and do some day trips in another part of the country to places you wouldn't normally go to. There's value in that, even if it isn't the subject of a test at some point later on. Friday afternoons are often playtime or arts and crafts anyway.

And to everyone else, there aren't too many jobs that are strictly Mon-Fri, 9-5 any more, especially at entry/junior level (when most people are planning weddings anyway). You can't suit everyone all the time, there are always going to be people who can't go. So just do what makes you happy; it's how you deal with the people who can't attend that matters.

NewFerry · 12/03/2013 12:46

Hi Op, I was all ready to come on and say yanbu unreasonable as having the wedding on a Thursday means that both you and DH lose 2 days holiday that you need to cover school hols.

However, I think your big issue is that your 6 year old son - yes 6, not 16, - will lose 2 days of primary school. And to reduce the imapct this will have on him becoming the next Einstein (ok slight exageration from me), you propose to drive back and put him into school on Friday afternoon, and/or look at hiring a tutor to make up the work.

Seriously?
Really?
Please listen to yourself, you are being so far off the unreasobnable scale that a new scale will need to be made.

He's 6 fgs. What do you think they will do at school that will be so terrible if he misses it???????

BelleEtLaBaby · 12/03/2013 13:26

Ok, I'm sorry, but you realise you are being very petty and that you are spoiling your Dh's experience of his only sibling's wedding, don't you?

What on earth is the point of driving back on the Friday? Your son will be exhausted and useless at school. He won't miss anything important as if he would have, his teacher would have made certain she'd given this incredible piece of work to you in advance or made sure he caught up whatever was so important once he got back.

You and DH can get the time off. Your ds can miss 2 days of school as you have said yourself he hasn't got a history of absence. You would travel the same distance and spend the same money if it were a weekend so it's not costing you more. I fail to see the issue?

It sounds to me like the important thing here is that you get your way and do not relent to your DH. Why are you being so snippy? You won't make the decision yourself, you are forcing your DH to make the decision you want him to make. When there isn't even actually a problem - the school will even authorise the absence. Is it so important tht you get your way?

You live miles away from your dh's family - that's your problem, not your sil's. and I'm sorry but it is a one off event - he only has one sister, and I'm sure she only intends to get married once.

Can't you be the bigger person, and let your DH and his family have a nice day without insisting on having it on your terms? It's not actually about you Shock I've never heard such a selfish load of controlling old nonsense. It's her wedding - why are you being so bitter?

BelleEtLaBaby · 12/03/2013 13:28

Ooh I've never posted anything so cross on Mn before but this thread and some of the replies have shocked me. Nasty.

diddl · 12/03/2013 13:47

"he only has one sister, and I'm sure she only intends to get married once."-apart from the fact that this is her second wedding!

ifitsnotanarse · 12/03/2013 13:48

I had a Thursday wedding in the arse end of nowhere and did not expect anyone to turn up. But they all did. My nieces & nephews had 3 days off school (they came the day before as further to travel) and DH's had 2 days off. Nobody complained, at least not to my face. Grin It was a lovely family mini holiday.

Bogeyface · 12/03/2013 14:04

Isnt Friday afternoon "Golden Time" (free play) or is that just at our school? So not an issue in terms of missing lessons.

Bogeyface · 12/03/2013 14:05

ifitsnot but you didnt dictate to your guests, sounds like the SIL is and regardless of time off etc, that would put my back up!

jamdonut · 12/03/2013 21:31

Look , if you are not the sort of people to let your child have time of for the tiniest hint of a sniffle etc or for grand foreign holidays during term -time, and your son is learning well, I REALLY wouldn't worry about two days off school for this wedding. Go and enjoy it . These things don't come along very often, especially as a family. If school sounds like they are going to authorise it that's great. If they don't...I wouldn't worry too much, as long as he doesn't have much time off after that.

I know children who have time off to go visit their other parent for the weekend,so don't come into school on Friday OR Monday...EVERY week!! (Unauthorised,of course!!)Hmm

thistlelicker · 13/03/2013 06:53

Where does it say in the wedding code
Of conduct that a wedding
Should be in a weekend??? It's an inconvenience for who? U or a six ear old boy who would probably rather have more fun at a party with his family, make new friends than be at school! What's he potentially going to miss? Free play? Arts and crafts? You really need to get over yourself! Your behaving like a brat! This is your husbands family, if this was your family I very much doubt there would be such a discussion as you said yourself you are stubborn!! If u really wanted to go u wouldn't make such a drama over something so insignificant!!! Just bloody go! I think yor scared to enjoy yourself over something your husband decided to do rather than u calling the shots!!!

SpecialAgentKat · 13/03/2013 07:19

I think a nerve has been touched, half coherent Thistlelicker

JenaiMorris · 13/03/2013 07:28

You missed some !!!s off the end there, Special.

I bet the teachers at your children's school just love you, thistle.

!

SpecialAgentKat · 13/03/2013 07:29

Also, not aimed at anyone in particular but I must be a shit family member/wife because I would take DC out of school for a funeral... Not a wedding. Especially the poofy dress, self absorbed, forty parties + pay for your own bridesmaid dress kind. Just wouldn't happen.
I missed enough school due to being ill, my kids won't. My choice. That includes close friends. Lucky for me most of them are married and I don't have to worry, but I've made my views on what I view as important for awhile. SIL's bullying and emotional blackmail would make me dig my heels in harder TBH, but that's my flaw, OP is clearly a MUCH calmer person than I!
I just can't stand demanding people, so a demanding bride or groom is worse because you were supposed to be invited as guests. Guests get to say 'no, I'm not coming, yes I am coming, yes I'll be there for church but not evening do, yes I'll be there for evening do but not church' without bride/groom calling and blackmailing. How scuzzy low.

Like I said OP.. Find the bar and dump your oh-so-eager-DH with the kids. Grin

SpecialAgentKat · 13/03/2013 07:30

Grin Jenai!!!!!!!

JenaiMorris · 13/03/2013 09:00

thistle it's all well and good expecting people to attend a weekday, term time wedding if most of your guests work in catering or hospitals or something.

It is not ok if they don't, or if a lot of them have school age children. Invite them by all means, just don't put a guilt trip on them if they decline.

PavlovtheCat · 13/03/2013 09:02

Friday afternoon = DVDs/Golden time surely?

Whocansay · 13/03/2013 09:15

I would still send DH on his own. It's an awful lot of hassle with small children in tow. You won't be able to dance the night away or anything. It's a long way, expensive, eats into your holiday allowance and you have to take you child out of school for 2 days.

The bride is being unreasonale to expect this from you. Her choice to have a midweek wedding. You can choose to attend part / all / not at all. It's not a summons. You do not have to put yourself or your kids through it.

thistlelicker Hmm

Kimpchelle · 31/05/2015 16:21

We're planning a Thursday wedding. It's not about saving money its about getting married on the day we met. My fiance chose the date to celebrate our love for one another 4years from the day we first laid eyes on each other. Mind you I had always wanted a Sunday morning wedding, however I wouldn't dare change it to please relatives or friends. If people truly have the couples best interest at heart, they should make every effort to be there. If people think of our wedding as an inconvenience? They shouldn't be there to begin with.

Whathaveilost · 31/05/2015 16:30

People who have their weddings on Saturday are really inconsiderate! Don't they know Dh and I work then!!

Seriously I don't mind when people have their weddings. I went to one one on a Tuesday last month and 2 on Thursday last year. I was pleased the couples were savy enough to save themselves a fortune and put the money to better use than entertaining their friends at a peak time.

PeppermintCrayon · 31/05/2015 16:35

We had a weekday wedding - saved loads of ££ - but gave people lots of warning and made sure it was in school holidays. It is only a wedding, though, so if you don't like the timing, don't go!

Trills · 31/05/2015 16:41

If people think of our wedding as an inconvenience? They shouldn't be there to begin with.

I don't know about you, but I can hold more than one thought in my mind at a time.

I can be simultaneously very pleased to be invited to celebrate a special moment, AND find it inconvenient to have to take two days off work to travel.

By the way Kimpchelle - why were you searching for a thread about "Thursday weddings" (which must be what you did to find this thread from 2013) if all you were going to add was "I can get married when I like so touch titties"? You clearly weren't looking for people's opinions on whether a Thursday wedding was a good idea, because you have acknowledged none of the previous comments.