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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect dh to show some remorse or some understanding?

350 replies

Confusedmummy2 · 05/03/2013 07:12

(I have named changed as I have to friends on here - sorry).
I am really annoyed and upset with dh and he doesn't appear to have a care in the world!

Last weekend was dh's work night out, so dh had booked a hotel to avoid coming home worse for wear and waking me and dd. This is his story . . .

Had a good night drank a bit much. Some of the ladies at work had a falling out, leading to one of them not getting her lift / shared taxi home. She is crying. All the other men from work suddenly disappear, have to get home, have important phonecalls to make! Dh is left with crying colleague. He comforts her and tells her his room has a spare bed, so she can stay there! This offer is accepted. Nothing happens. He takes her home the following day.

Right so he comes home and tells me this the next day. I trust him, so if he says nothing happened, Then nothing happened. But I am still within my right to be angry and upset by this right? I am not being unreasonable am I? I would never do this to him or put someone else's. wife in this position!

OP posts:
LaQueen · 06/03/2013 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yellowtip · 06/03/2013 08:22

yellow I agree about the insult to intelligence. That's the thing which would piss me off far more than the playing away. It's adding a very major insult to injury. Such arrogance.

GaryBarlowsPants · 06/03/2013 11:04

Agree with LaQueen. I am a trusting wife, but that's because DH has never given me reason to doubt him. If he told me a story like this, I would smell a rat.

Sorry OP but it seems a bit fishy to me. Ok, his colleague was upset, but why did that render her incapable of getting a taxi/calling her DH/friend/whoever to pick her up?

madonnawhore · 06/03/2013 11:25

The thing is, even with the sob story about her row with her mates and everyone else buggering off leaving OP's DH to deal with her and he oh so conveniently happened to be the only one with a hotel room, even with that backstory there is still no good reason why he had to invite her to spend the night in his room.

It sounds like she lived fairly local to the event. Putting her in s licensed taxi and loaning her the fare is all that was required here.

The elaborate backstory is an attempt to deflect from the fact that there was simply NO NEED for her to sleep in his room.

LaQueen · 06/03/2013 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pleasethanks · 06/03/2013 13:48

You know what OP, my DH would do something like this for one of his female friends at work if they were very drunk, to try and ensure they didn't get themselves into bother on the way home. He would come home and tell me and I would believe him. If he wanted to cheat he would have lots of opportunities in life to do so, but I don't think for a minute he would.

Perhaps with hindsight it wasn't the best position to put himself in, but I can sort of see why he might offer.

Is he friendly with this woman at work or not?

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 06/03/2013 13:57

I reckon he outright told you about her to avoid being caught. Because if someone were to report back they had seen them going into a hotel room together, he's covered himself. I would not be happy about it.

somewhereaclockisticking · 06/03/2013 14:02

I think he was lovely to offer but abit silly to have put himself in a position where even if his wife trusts him - others at his workplace might assume that something happened - it's not just about him being trustworthy but her also - she could have claimed anything and your husband wouldn't be able to defend himself against her accusations. He was just being helpful and kind (provided he doesn't end up in this sort of situation very often with same woman!) buut she should really have been able to sort herself out without his help. She should take extra money with her or asked to borrow for a taxi home. I think I would be more concerned about the possible situation he has placed himself in and be angry at her for not being able to take care of herself.

AThingInYourLife · 06/03/2013 14:07

The man who is hanging about at the end of the night offering to let drunk, upset women share his room is not usually all that lovely.

pleasethanks · 06/03/2013 14:24

AThing - read the OP, that is not quite what happened! Having works with lots of guys over the years, I can well imagine they all making a dash for it when a drunk upset workmate came their way!

Yellowtip · 06/03/2013 14:29

pleasethanks there may well be a difference between what the DH said happened and what actually happened. You're falling into the trap of conflating the two.

I'm with LeQueen: the bloke is lying to the OP to cover up the obvious evidence of a fling.

LadyApricot · 06/03/2013 14:31

I'd be very upset if my dh did this even if he told me straight after. It's just not normal for a married man to share a room with another woman after a night out. Maybe I'm just very old fashioned but it would've been much more decent of him to give her money for a taxi.
She is not his responsibility.

LadyApricot · 06/03/2013 14:35

Also who knows what kind of person she is. He could be facing allegations next!
We all have mobiles now.. Either of them could've phoned someone to pick her up.

Yellowtip · 06/03/2013 14:39

I can't see that it's the least old-fashioned LadyApricot. Expecting a married man not to share a room alone with another woman is merely expecting him not to behave like a single man, since he has certain commitments. It shows an utter lack of respect to his wife even if he didn't sleep with the other woman. And if he did sleep with her or even intended to sleep with her but found the drink had rendered him incapable, then this very weak story is an extra but very weighty slap in the face.

This bloke needs confronting head on.

Ormiriathomimus · 06/03/2013 14:44

I don't know if he shagged drunken woman or not. But the situation was a absurd and unneccessary. Drunken women could have been poured into a taxi and sent home. TBH she was behaving like a child and I think she needs to grow up a bit.

As I said earlier there will be unpleasant rumours doing the rounds at work now. And he was being totally unfair on his wife to do this - regardless of whether they DTD or not.

pleasethanks · 06/03/2013 15:03

Yellow - None of us know exactly what happened. For any of us to come up with scenarios outwith what the OP posted, well, that is not helpful really. We simply don't know.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff · 06/03/2013 15:06

I asked DH what he thought. He said he'd do the same, "if someone's in a bad way, you help them out." That's what I expected.

Yellowtip · 06/03/2013 15:12

I haven't come up with any embellishment of the original scenario please, I've merely drawn obvious inferences from that scenario. Either he didn't but put his wife in a seriously invidious position, or he did and he's a cheat, or he intended to but couldn't and is just as bad a cheat.

Obviously inference #1 is the best for OP. But even #1 makes him an absolute dick.

yellowbrickrd · 06/03/2013 15:14

Well in 291 posts i've yet to see one that explains why the woman couldn't go home in a taxi. If for some reason he was worried about her travelling alone he could have gone with her in the taxi and then taken it back to hotel. That would have been kind and lovely.

I feel sorry on your behalf op because you sound like a genuine trusting person and I personally think you're having the mick taken out of that in a big way. To answer your original question I think he is deliberately not showing remorse because otherwise that might make him look guilty and he wants to brush it all off as quickly as possible.

In your position I would make him sit down and explain it all again in detail including the the taxi question. If you still think it's genuine after that then the least he can do is sincerely apologise and in future come home and kip on the sofa with a bucket next to him - like a normal person!

ginlane007 · 06/03/2013 15:15

Confusedmummy2 - there have been so many posts about your dilema. What are you going to do now? Have you spoken to your DH, what did he say? please let us know what happens.

diddl · 06/03/2013 15:18

Well I would absolutely trust my husband to have not had sex in this event.

But I would think him an absolute fool for putting himself in this situation.

AThingInYourLife · 06/03/2013 15:33

I didn't come up with any scenario outside what was posted.

This man admits he was the last man hanging around when this drunk woman was upset and offered to help her by bringing her to his bedroom.

Some people thinks that makes him sound like a hero. I think it makes him sound like a creep.

I think a decent man would have wanted to get her home safely, not get her into a room where they would be alone all night.

madonnawhore · 06/03/2013 16:43

I don't think OP will be back. No doubt this isn't what she wants to hear. But I think she might want to review her boundaries around trust. Trust is earned by behaving in a trustworthy way. OP's DH didn't act in a trustworthy way. He acted in, frankly, a suspicious way.

I'd advise OP to dig a bit deeper. At the very least, don't let the subject slide on his insistence. He was inappropriate and out of order and he knows it.

BegoniaBampot · 06/03/2013 17:26

OP trusted that her husband hadn't cheated on her but was upset that he couldn't see why she might be upset, why do so many people want her to think differently insisting she's been had for a fool. This is a real person, so many people insisting her husband is cheating could be very upsetting for her. Are you going to be there holding her hand or just have some fun and a bit of gossip and whiling away an hour on the internet at her expense.

Why do so many need to convince her she is a fool and is being cheated on?

Yellowtip · 06/03/2013 17:49

Begonia it seems such an obvious deception on the DH's part that it seems kinder to disabuse OP, or at least make her think.

I'm certainly not having cheap fun. I don't think others are either.