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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect dh to show some remorse or some understanding?

350 replies

Confusedmummy2 · 05/03/2013 07:12

(I have named changed as I have to friends on here - sorry).
I am really annoyed and upset with dh and he doesn't appear to have a care in the world!

Last weekend was dh's work night out, so dh had booked a hotel to avoid coming home worse for wear and waking me and dd. This is his story . . .

Had a good night drank a bit much. Some of the ladies at work had a falling out, leading to one of them not getting her lift / shared taxi home. She is crying. All the other men from work suddenly disappear, have to get home, have important phonecalls to make! Dh is left with crying colleague. He comforts her and tells her his room has a spare bed, so she can stay there! This offer is accepted. Nothing happens. He takes her home the following day.

Right so he comes home and tells me this the next day. I trust him, so if he says nothing happened, Then nothing happened. But I am still within my right to be angry and upset by this right? I am not being unreasonable am I? I would never do this to him or put someone else's. wife in this position!

OP posts:
BegoniaBampot · 05/03/2013 20:10

I really don't think this means the husband has been having an affair, that it was planned or a spontaneous shag, I can see how it would happen if both have been drinking and not thought through all the downfalls. But the husband was a fool and unthinking of the OP and all the Possible consequencies. You can't be sure it's bullshit or a cover story so why try and upset the OP when she says she trusts his version.

KateDWales · 05/03/2013 20:19

I would not be happy with this at all. Yes the woman is upset, but he's not her husband/boyfriend he's your husband. I understand that it's not the fact you don't trust him, it's that he couldn't either come up with an alternative or at least check with you first. There are just some things you don't do when married, regardless of trust.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/03/2013 20:21

I think that whatever the husband did in this situtation he would have got in in the neck on here.

CherylTrole · 05/03/2013 20:24

Begonia the only person upsetting the OP is her OH! What are you going to do now OP?

babanouche · 05/03/2013 20:24

I don't buy this either but even if it's true your DH should accept you don't like it and agree to never let it happen again.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 05/03/2013 20:34

OP I think you have let him off lightly. I trust my DH implicity but even if the situation is 100% what he says I would be angry at him for being so monumentally stupid as to put himself into that position.

DH would never do anything like that - he would be terrified to be in that situation, probably to the extent of paying for a taxi himself and giving her the room just to avoid being alone with her.

Regardless of what actually happened and his story is pathetic enough to have the ring of truth about it, everyone at his work will think they shagged.

I'd be checking his texts and emails for a while but don't tell him oh and I'd tell him if he values his marriage then for the forseeable future he either doesn't get drunk at work events or if he does he comes home and sleeps on the sofa.

Yellowtip · 05/03/2013 20:44

A hotel with family rooms only is a pretty rare hotel too I'd have thought. Why go for a hotel with family rooms only if you're a man on your own? It just doesn't make sense.

I don't think anyone is going out of their way to upset the OP. It just seems such an untenable story that a lot of people assume the DH is lying. I certainly do. And he sounds a rubbish liar at that - he needs challenging on the facts.

LHW123 · 05/03/2013 21:21

the correct way for him to deal with this was by making sure she got home / somewhere to stay by lending her money for a cab / hotel etc.

There's no way that work colleagues should stay in the same room. This will be gossip at his work and people will assume that something happened. 2 + 2 = 5 etc.

I know he meant to be the nice guy and help her, but ultimately he will become the subject of office gossip and people at work will lose respect for him if they think (wrongly) that he cheated on his family.

sorry, but that's how I would see it.....

AmberLeaf · 05/03/2013 21:23

You can't be sure it's bullshit or a cover story so why try and upset the OP when she says she trusts his version

No one is trying to upset the OP.

When you are in a situation it can be hard to see things objectively, especially when someone you love and have trusted is presenting something as the truth.

From the outside this scenario looks iffy.

The OP continuing to trust him doesn't mean nothing happened.

But it has to be said if she wasn't questioning this and fully trusted him, she wouldn't be posting in the first place.

WorraLiberty · 05/03/2013 21:29

I agree with everything LaQueen has said

< Lazy >

The most sensible course of action would be to see the woman safely into a licenced taxi and make sure he pays the driver.

I can't see why anyone would prefer to spend the night with a drunk, sobbing (and possibly pukey) colleague...putting their reputation and their job at risk.

It doesn't add up for me either and I'm a fairly laid back sort of person.

ItsAFuckingVase · 05/03/2013 21:31

I used to manage a hotel that had only family rooms. Funnily enough, we also did a heavy trade in banqueting and events such as company parties.

MySpecialistSubjectIsMN · 05/03/2013 21:35

It sounds really suspicious to me too, I'm afraid.

It just seems a little too well planned out (this includes his 'drunk woman' story). Does it not just sound very pre-planned to anyone else?

I respect those that say they would trust their partners with this situation, but it wouldn't be something I would be particularly happy with.

madonnawhore · 05/03/2013 21:37

Just read the whole thread and I'm not going to pussy foot around: I think the whole story is a pack of lies.

The lack of a good reason to book a hotel in the first place (OP if you're emetaphobic why doesn't he just sleep on the sofa? Was it originally his idea to start the habit of booking hotel rooms when he goes on piss ups?)

The fact that there is absolutely no good reason why, of all the many and sensible options available to him (put her in a cab, lend her some money for her own room, call her mates, etc) he chose to pick the one most likely to look dodgy and most likely to upset you.

The hotel that only has family rooms with two beds sounds very suspicious.I've never heard of this before. Do you know this hotel OP, or are you taking his word for it?

For all those reasons, and the fact he's trying to minimise it and make you out to be the unreasonable one, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 05/03/2013 21:56

Erm, call me old-fashioned, but is it not possible for a grown man to choose NOT TO DRINK so much that he likely to puke?

ginlane007 · 05/03/2013 22:14

I'm not saying this guy sounds guilty of cheating or not - just that I would be annoyed with him for being a bit of an idiot and not thinking.

...the risk of being in a room with a colleague is a really stupid thing to do. He can't do this again. Women are notoriously bitchy / gossipy at work. If this woman has already fallen out with other female colleagues, then no doubt they'll be loving the salacious gossip.

All it takes is for a few of them to say, "did you know that X (girl) ended up staying in Y's (OH's) hotel room that night" with a bit of a raised eyebrow .....

Tell your OH that he was an idiot for doing this, and that he must distance himself from this colleague at work from now on as I am sure every time people see them chat at work, everyone in the office will be looking at them to watch out for any body language clues of a possible relationship.

good luck with this all. it doesn't mean he's done anything wrong, but he needs to be more professional as a work party is still 'work'. x

Yellowtip · 05/03/2013 22:19

What kind of work is it when the work party involves getting so drunk that the employees are likely to be sick? Indeed so sick that they can't even get home? Weird kind of work.

RevoltingPeasant · 05/03/2013 22:26

See, the key thing for me is that this is a works do.

DH has several close female friends. Since we've been together, he has spent the night on their floors after parties I wasn't at. I have to say it's not my favourite thing for him to do, but I trust him, he was friends with them before he met me, and also if it really really bothered me, I'd say so and he'd stop. Because he cares about my feelings.

But a works night out is something different.

I work at a public sector institution with v v strict harassment policies etc. I can't imagine sth like this happening at work, but if it did, I would not be at all surprised if management had a quiet word. Even if they didn't, it would be Noted and might be a factor in determining things like promotions. A workplace has a right to expect people to behave professionally.

E.g., I could give my (male) boss a big bear hug on a night out and it wouldn't be anything sexual. But I just wouldn't... it's inappropriate touching. In a professional relationship, you just maintain certain boundaries.

Mind you, I cannot imagine anyone getting so drunk they were ill on a night out. They'd frankly be regarded as pretty childish and more than a little embarrassing.

yellowbrickrd · 05/03/2013 22:34

He would have to be very very naive not to realise that it would look suspicious. In fact, it's just not credible that any man, of any age, married or not, could be that 'naive'.

It sounds like a lie that's been given a coating of truth to make it fit the known facts. The woman was drunk and fell out with some friends so missed her lift. That's probably the true bit. Your dh 'comforted' her and it went too far, now everyone at work will be gossiping and he knows that it might get back to you. So if someone from work rats on him - 'your dh and 'x' spent the night together' - he hopes he's already covered that with the story he's told you.

If you don't want to believe it that's your prerogative but I personally couldn't stand having my intelligence insulted to that degree.

ginlane007 · 05/03/2013 22:39

someone mentioned earlier that you could call the hotel and check how many beds are in the room that was booked under your OH's name. I think the person who posted that comment did joke that it might be taking things too far, but then maybe that's a good way to check his story.

would a hotel give out that sort of information to you over the phone? I have no idea. Maybe worth a phone call ... a lot of comments here that this is a lie to cover something up. The thought of that (not knowing for sure) must be awful.

2rebecca · 05/03/2013 22:40

I agree that on my works parties no-one has ever been so drunk that they ended up vomiting and hysterical. Your bosses are there, work parties are not time to have a piss up and let your hair down. My husband doesn't get that drunk that he vomits either, to me that's the sort of thing students do and then you realise it's not much fun for anyone and makes you look a prat who can't take his/ her drink and has no self control.
If a woman posted on here
"I've drunk too muchat a work party, and fallen out with the friend I was getting a lift home with and don't know what to do"
that anyone would suggest
"how about finding a married male colleague who has a spare bed in his room" as a sensible answer. Most people's answers would involve phoning a taxi or a sober friend, or paying for her own room for the night.

Keepyourknickerson · 05/03/2013 22:53

I haven't read the whole thread, sorry if it's already been covered, but how did staying in the hotel with him solve her problem?

She still needed to get home the next morning, using the same cashpoint and taxi's that are as available at 2am as at 9am - if anything it's just more embarrassing at 9am as she'd be wearing the night before's clothes.

CherylTrole · 05/03/2013 23:04

LTB

Januarymadness · 05/03/2013 23:04

if I had a spare bed and ssomeone I knew (and trusted) was in need I woukd offer it in a second, male or female. BUT, and this is a big BUT, I dont get so drunk on work nights out that I cant go home.

I would not be happy if dh was very drunk in a hotel room with a very drunk woman. That is a very dodgy situation to be in all around.

GirlOutNumbered · 06/03/2013 03:25

Those of you saying he was naive and it wasn't a great idea; the guy was drunk. Everything seems ok when drunk.

MrRected · 06/03/2013 03:44

I think he could have arranged a cab home for her, or let her have the hotel room and caught a cab home himself.

If the situation were reversed and you went out and got pissed then gave some needy bloke a bed for the night in your hotel room, how would your DH feel?

I suspect he may smell a rat.