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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dh to show some remorse or some understanding?

350 replies

Confusedmummy2 · 05/03/2013 07:12

(I have named changed as I have to friends on here - sorry).
I am really annoyed and upset with dh and he doesn't appear to have a care in the world!

Last weekend was dh's work night out, so dh had booked a hotel to avoid coming home worse for wear and waking me and dd. This is his story . . .

Had a good night drank a bit much. Some of the ladies at work had a falling out, leading to one of them not getting her lift / shared taxi home. She is crying. All the other men from work suddenly disappear, have to get home, have important phonecalls to make! Dh is left with crying colleague. He comforts her and tells her his room has a spare bed, so she can stay there! This offer is accepted. Nothing happens. He takes her home the following day.

Right so he comes home and tells me this the next day. I trust him, so if he says nothing happened, Then nothing happened. But I am still within my right to be angry and upset by this right? I am not being unreasonable am I? I would never do this to him or put someone else's. wife in this position!

OP posts:
HoHoHoNoYouDont · 05/03/2013 17:15

Agreeing to share a bedroom with a drunk male colleague when you are plastered and apparently vulnerable would strike me as far more risky in terms of sexual assault or rape than getting a taxi

I agree.

Snoopingforsoup · 05/03/2013 17:15

He could have just got her a cab, or, given her the room and found himself a colleague to bunk in with. That's what any decent, self respecting married man would do out of respect for his wife and kids. He's trivialised the situation and is making out it's no big deal. The majority here agree it is most certainly a big deal.
The thing I'm pondering is why did he tell OP? He could have not bothered at all. After all, this could've happened to any of us and we may never find out. I've sat and pondered since reading this, all the work do's Mr Soup has been on. How would I know? I know his colleagues but they're not brazen or close enough to tell me something like that.
At least he told you OP. Many of us are taken by surprise from being too trusting. Can't wait to run this past DH later and get his take on it!

MrsKoala · 05/03/2013 17:16

Sorry BB i never meant that. As i pointed out, i accept i don't care about this. I accept others do. I don't recall saying any of those words you appear to have projected onto me (i was trying to be a bit light hearted about no one wanting my DH so not having to worry). I just wanted to point out to those who said they 'Don't understand how this wouldn't be an issue' that to some people (like me) they 'don't understand how this would '. it was just a contrary pov. I could say, to those who say these things are 'sacred' etc, is that not also implying that because it isn't to us, that DH and i have a less sacred, exclusive, special relationship? But i didn't read that into it as i understand that people are different.

I was just giving a counter point and if anyone feels i am being right on and trying to make them look 'uncool' then it is wildly off the mark. I'm an old married woman! - hardly a hippy giving out free love

It has nothing to do with whether DH and i have a great relationship - i have been told by many on MN that we don't. Each to their own. I have not meant to imply in any way that anyone who feels this way has a crap relationship (compared to my fantabulous one of course) and i think your post is defensive and a bit unfair to me.

skinoncustard · 05/03/2013 17:20

I have not read the whole thread but would find it hard to accept this excuse. Why couldn't he share with one of his male colleagues and give this woman his room. Was she totally incapable of going home in a taxi on her own. Apart from being a strange thing to do, he left himself wide open to office gossip at the very least ,to say nothing of the things this woman could accuse him of. All seems a bit odd to put it mildly , what would his reaction have been if you had done the same !!!!!!

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 05/03/2013 17:20

I agree with AThingInYourLife (page 4)

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 05/03/2013 17:22

And I also suspect it it a pre-emptive strike to cover a lie

XiCi · 05/03/2013 17:22

I can't think of one single woman out of all my friends and peer group, imcluding my 70 year old mother, that would believe this crock of shit story. Not one.

stickingattwo · 05/03/2013 17:26

I think YABVU. I've been in a similar situation and when people have had a few drinks then maybe they don't go through all possible scenarios - like him getting a cab cos you might be miffed giving woman the room etc etc

Spare bed, no harm done, not a big deal. He was helping out a colleague. You either trust him or you don't.

HoHoHoNoYouDont · 05/03/2013 17:27

Did he really have a spare bed in his room. Try and find out what his room number was and then ring the hotel and ask them now many beds are in that room
ok,maybe taking it too far

AmberLeaf · 05/03/2013 17:32

Again regarding trust, Lots of people saying it would be fine with them because they trust their DH/DP.

At what point would their actions give you cause to question that trust?

How far could they take it before you wonder is that trust is misplaced?

VivaLeBeaver · 05/03/2013 17:32

I'd have been suspicious the minute he told me he was booking a hotel room to avoid coming home late and waking me. Sounds seriously fishy to me before you even get to the female colleague in the same room bit.

Yellowtip · 05/03/2013 17:40

Yes, ask to see the bill. No reason for him not to give it willingly, since he claims to have done nothing wrong and since it's quite reasonable for a married woman with a small child to be Hmm about a DH in a room alone with a female colleague. You can probably track the room number from that. Interesting that he booked a twin at the outset. if you're going to pay extra because there's no single available, why not go for a double rather than twin? Much more comfortable. If the DH is lying on any material count (such as the twin thing) he deserves all the grief that will then come his way.

Snoopingforsoup · 05/03/2013 17:41

Amber Leaf I completely agree with you on that point. Trust does frequently get broken. I'm always amazed by women who refuse to believe it could happen to them. The trust is clearly there as OP didn't question the need for a hotel room in the first place! It's good to trust, but when the alarm bells ring, you shouldn't ignore all possibilities.

Yellowtip · 05/03/2013 17:42

Absolutely Viva. It reeks.

Snoopingforsoup · 05/03/2013 17:45

I will say though, sometimes hotel rooms, double with sole occupancy - they give what they have left I.e. twin/double. I wouldn't read too much into that but easy to check if you feel the need.

BumBiscuits · 05/03/2013 17:51

Yep but the bill would still say single, if that was the booking.

Yellowtip · 05/03/2013 17:55

It would be one thing to ask for the bill if he hadn't mentioned the whole knight in shining armour scenario. but since he has, it's fair game. Single would be ok on the bill, twin maybe and double definitely not. He'll have an e-mail confirmation of the reservation too. I suggest OP asks him to retrieve it from his deleted folder :)

CherylTrole · 05/03/2013 18:00

Maybe there are photos of the party on facebook? OPs OH must think he will be caught out somehow. He has been planning this liason for a while. Maybe it has been going on for a while?

SlowlorisIncognito · 05/03/2013 18:35

All the people saying "he should have just put her in a taxi" I do agree with this. However, on a number of occasions I have been told getting a taxi alone late at night as a drunk young woman is unsafe. I also know a friend of my mum's who didn't like her daughter being alone in a taxi for litterally about two minutes after the driver dropped her friend off. So I suppose if she has been taught this, she might have been scared of being in a taxi alone.

I actually think being alone with a drunk male colleague could be a more dangerous situation!

I think it is fair enough for the OP to say to her husband she is not happy with this, and does not want it to happen again, or wants to be informed if it is going to happen again.

I do think booking a hotel for the end of the night is a bit excessive, particularly if no-one else was doing this. Is this usual practise for him on nights out? I have to admit I might be looking on facebook to see if they looked particularly cosy before hand, or asking others for their version of events.

Would he be fine with it if the situations were reversed?

Original poster
Confusedmummy2 · 05/03/2013 18:58

Sorry for lack of response had to go to work, and then the playground and then catch up!

Dh regularly books a hotel if he is going to drink - I have a phobia of sick, so much so, that him being drunk and in bed would keep me awake!

I know he had a family room with 2 beds without needing to check as that is all the hotel has, so no spy work required!

But really not worried about the intimate relationship thing - as others have pointed out you don't need a room for that! And I trust what he says.

However, I really don't like him sharing a room with a women - again for lots of the reasons others have raised.

I think have calmed a bit since this morning though, although it still makes me upset that he has put me in this position! It was much easier to trust him, when I didn't have to worry about him sharing a room with colleagues!

OP posts:
farewellfarewell · 05/03/2013 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snoopingforsoup · 05/03/2013 19:11

I have to say, I hate Mr Soup getting home hammered, reeking of booze and snoring....not sure I'd want him to stay in a hotel either...I just send him to the sofa!
Glad you've calmed OP. You are a better woman than I. I'd have gone bezerk by now! For making me worry, for putting himself in a risky position and for not kissing my *rse given his stupidity.

Yellowtip · 05/03/2013 19:32

Confused a hotel only with twins? Is it a tiny B&B? Only twins sounds most unusual. The whole thing sounds most unusual to be fair, including his getting himself into the position he claims he got himself into and your unquestioning trust. I really do think you're having the wool pulled over your eyes and may well come to regret it. It sounds to me as though you're being taken for a mug.

AmberLeaf · 05/03/2013 19:36

Yellow I think she said it only has family rooms which have two beds in, not a twin?

I do agree though that the OP is having the wool pulled over her eyes.

LaQueen · 05/03/2013 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.