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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL organising honeymoon

202 replies

Lanzagrotty · 28/02/2013 21:29

I've namchanged for this as i suspect I may be being a bit bridezilla so would like to know your opinions.

I'm getting married at the end of August and a couple of months ago my soon to be MIL told us that she would pay for our honeymoon as a wedding present - she also said she would choose where we go and it would be a surprise. We had to choose five places in Europe and she would choose one.

Apparently this is a family tradition and although I know it is well meant and very generous I'm really unhappy about it.

My reasons are that we had an idea where we wanted to go before she made the offer and it wasn't in Europe. Secondly, and this might sound a bit strange but I think it would kind of feel like she was on honeymoon with us. i think a honeymoon is a very personal thing where the couple spend time alone away from families. So to me this it seems odd for my in-laws to choose where we're going.

But the main problem is that my finace let slip that she had told him where we are going and it turns out it's Lanzarote! This wasn't one of the five places we chose and apparently its because she couldn't get Mallorca (one of the places we DID choose)within budget. I went on a girls holiday to Lanzarote a few years ago and my image of it is definitely not that of a honeymoon destination.

What on Earth do I do without causing major upset just before I join the family. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
HairyHandedTrucker · 28/02/2013 22:18

yanbu

crypes · 28/02/2013 22:19

I reckon their pulling your leg. I reckon its a surprise your mil and fiance are booking up. Somewhere really flash and exotic and their teasing you saying its lanzagrottie

ENormaSnob · 28/02/2013 22:19

I actually find it very controlling that someone is taking charge of your honeymoon. More so as they have not even taken account of where you want to go.

I would be very pissed off, especially as I loathed lanzarote.

Maybe there's an extra surprise and your ils are joining you Shock

PurpleBlossom · 28/02/2013 22:20

YANBU

How about you and DH get on the flight to Lanzorote, take a picture of you together outside the airport (to send to MIL) then get back on a plane to somewhere decent!

Grin
HairyHandedTrucker · 28/02/2013 22:20

in that case you won't know where you've been anyway. you'll never see outside the hotel room door Wink enjoy yourself

GettingObsessive · 28/02/2013 22:21

I can understand why "oh well, go on another honeymoon later" wouldn't cut the mustard. Because, well, it won't really be your honeymoon then, will it?

A very difficult position, OP, I feel for you.

Roseformeplease · 28/02/2013 22:23

YANBU bi put, if there is any holiday that doesn't matter, it is the honeymoon. You are knackered, just want to sleep and relax and talk about the wedding. Lots of Lanzarote is gorgeous and not at all built up or full of lager louts. Save your money for a dream holiday later and call that your honeymoon. Spend your time in Lanzarote planning it.

Next time, just say no. My sister insisted on booking my other sister a honeymoon as a wedding present. It was a way of exerting control and she forced them into dates, and a place, they did not want. They always regret saying yes, but they did say yes!

Original poster
Lanzagrotty · 28/02/2013 22:23

Hells bells ENorma don't say that!

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByABear · 28/02/2013 22:28

Aren't some people weird, and controlling.

HollyBerryBush · 28/02/2013 22:30

Traditionally its the grooms job to book the honeymoon, or in this case his staff ie MIL!

Original poster
Lanzagrotty · 28/02/2013 22:33

If DF was booking us a surprise honeymoon i'd be thrilled, but this feels wrong.
The responses here are interesting and reassuring. I posted this same thing on a wedding message board and I was mostly told I was being unbelieveably spolit!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lanzagrotty · 28/02/2013 22:34

She's not generally controlling. I think the person who started this family tradition definitely was ( of MIL ironically) and it's just kind of carried on.

OP posts:
SnotMeReally · 28/02/2013 22:35

I thought exactly the same as ENorma

then again I know someone who, deciding they wanted a small private wedding abroad with no family, made the mistake of telling the parents where it was and them turning up as a lovely surprise OMG!!

I think this is a very odd offer OP - would only be a truly generous no strings attached gift if you could choose and just let them pay

this reeks of controlling behaviour and if you dont put a stop to it now you have years ahead of doing what SHE expects/wants/demands/thinks is best for you both

either that or its a veiled slur on you that she thinks thats your type of holiday - though I admit to never having been I am having visions of TVs "Benidorm"

Kat101 · 28/02/2013 22:36

I'm a bit scared for you. Mallorca isn't exactly expensive in comparison to the rest of europe. Can you find out more details of what exactly she's booked (picturing 1 star budget flat miles from the beach) :(

HairyHandedTrucker · 28/02/2013 22:36

suprised by that. the wedding boards I have seen seem to be. chock full of insane people who think planning wedding 5years in advance and dictating the guests contraceptive methods to ensure it's their special dayis fine

ZenNudist · 28/02/2013 22:36

When are you getting married? Lots of good tropical destinations to go to at another time of year. Providing you're within 6m of your wedding date tour operators will treat you as honeymooners & upgrade your suite, give you freebies etc.

I had a 'wedding moon' - week in the same country as we got married away from friends & family, then tropical holiday honeymoon 3-4 m later when the summer started in my chosen exotic resort!

I've known lots of people have summer weddings then 6m later trip to Maldives or Australia when better time to go.

That way you can have your (wedding) cake & eat it!

IDontDoIroning · 28/02/2013 22:37

Can't you go along to the travel agent with the booking details and transfer the holiday to somewhere you want to go to. You will probably have to pay some kind of re booking fee and whatever your choice might cost on top of whatever she had paid,

Original poster
Lanzagrotty · 28/02/2013 22:38

I know hairy totally the opposite of what I expected which is why I posted on here too to make sure I wasn't going mad!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lanzagrotty · 28/02/2013 22:41

I did think about that idont but chickened out in case she still had to make more payments and would find out when she went in to pay the balance

OP posts:
LentilAsAnything · 28/02/2013 22:42

I would have hated this!!! I loved planning our honeymoon, and it was brilliant. No one would have been able to plan something so personal so well as ourselves. It was, however, seven months after our wedding, so I would do as suggested above, and treat the Lanzagrotty holiday as a minimoon, and plan your dream honeymoon for either your first Christmas away, or your one year anniversary, or some other date.
Hopefully they are pulling your leg though and you are going somewhere nicer. But still, I'd plan my own big trip, anywhere in the world, not restricted to Europe (though Europe is fine!) for a later date. Enjoy your wedding and your minimoon! :)

DewDr0p · 28/02/2013 22:43

OP you are definitely not going mad. This is weird controlling behaviour on the part of your MIL.

It's weird enough that she's doing this at all. But then she asked for five (FIVE!) suggestions of places you would like to go and then booked a totally different one?!!

Perhaps not one for now but I think in the near future you are going to need to have a serious chat with your df about how it's going to be.

SnotMeReally · 28/02/2013 22:45

if you dont want to do her minimoon and book your own special honeymoon later then dont - the memories will last forever and so may the bitterness

this is about you as a couple and not her
MILs should not be choosing anything IMO

Granitetopping · 28/02/2013 22:46

When you get the tickets go to the travel agent and change if you can. I wouldn't be surprised if the whole family join you on honeymoon otherwise. Can you imagine it - first day at breakfast -SURPRISE!!

GinandChocolate · 28/02/2013 22:47

If you aren't getting married until August then surely the booking can be changed. I would say something now because if you don't then you are setting a very unhealthy precedent and will end up doing things you don't like to keep the peace for the rest of your marriage. Your fiancé must have a view on whether he wants his future wife to be happy or his mother. Based in my experience his decision on this is important.

ladymariner · 28/02/2013 22:50

I'm obviously going totally against the grain here but I think YABU. If you didn't want your inlaws to do this then you should have said so at the time. As you didn't, then I think you'll just have to go along with it and use the money you would have spent on your choice of honeymoon on a fantastic first anniversary holiday to the place of your choice.

And I'm not a MIL sympathiser, hell would have frozen over before I let mine choose our honeymoon.....hell is actually where she'd like to send me!!!! Grin

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