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Original poster

MIL organising honeymoon

202 replies

Lanzagrotty · 28/02/2013 21:29

I've namchanged for this as i suspect I may be being a bit bridezilla so would like to know your opinions.

I'm getting married at the end of August and a couple of months ago my soon to be MIL told us that she would pay for our honeymoon as a wedding present - she also said she would choose where we go and it would be a surprise. We had to choose five places in Europe and she would choose one.

Apparently this is a family tradition and although I know it is well meant and very generous I'm really unhappy about it.

My reasons are that we had an idea where we wanted to go before she made the offer and it wasn't in Europe. Secondly, and this might sound a bit strange but I think it would kind of feel like she was on honeymoon with us. i think a honeymoon is a very personal thing where the couple spend time alone away from families. So to me this it seems odd for my in-laws to choose where we're going.

But the main problem is that my finace let slip that she had told him where we are going and it turns out it's Lanzarote! This wasn't one of the five places we chose and apparently its because she couldn't get Mallorca (one of the places we DID choose)within budget. I went on a girls holiday to Lanzarote a few years ago and my image of it is definitely not that of a honeymoon destination.

What on Earth do I do without causing major upset just before I join the family. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
tedmundo · 01/03/2013 12:50

OP - someone made the very good point that 5* quality is actually quite universal.

5* - even in Lanzerote - will be special. Can you at least find out that this is what they have in mind for you, research the resort the hotel is in, and go from there before you say anything that might make things unpleasant for a long, long time.

I really am torn on what to advise because you DID agree to them paying for the honeymoon. That has really put you on the back foot.

A gorgeous hotel in a good resort will be sensational. Perhaps she felt it was better to push the boat out with the hotel rather than the destination. 3 in Mallorca would never be as special for a 5 in the Canaries.

Jins · 01/03/2013 12:58

Nobody knows if it's 5* or not.

ChasedByBees · 01/03/2013 12:59

I would still say something. This is your holiday and they booked somewhere you don't like without checking. I think that's rude.

AThingInYourLife · 01/03/2013 13:08

"my soon to be MIL told us that she would pay for our honeymoon as a wedding present - she also said she would choose where we go and it would be a surprise. We had to choose five places in Europe and she would choose one."

This whole situation is really weird and not promising for future relations with this family.

Honestly, this is not how gifts work.

You don't inform something that you are paying for and choosing something they were happy to provide for themselves.

And no "family tradition" involves that level of meddling.

People telling you to be grateful that you get no say whatsoever in your honeymoon are bonkers.

The fact that they are well off but setting a low budget for your honeymoon (less than you would spend if you weren't being browbeaten into a felting this "gift") just makes it even more insulting.

From start to finish this whole arrangement is incredibly impertinent.

Think carefully about marrying into this family when your fiancé is so weak that he expects you to go along with it because your happiness on your honeymoon doesn't matter.

5Foot5 · 01/03/2013 13:10

It is traditional for the grooms family to pay fo the honeymoon

FIL paid for our honeymoon, but he didn't try to influence where we went. He just told us what our budget was and let us book what we fancied within that.

I still think it is not worth rocking the boat if your MIL is otherwise a reasonable person. She probably sees it as a nice and generous gesture (which it is!) and will be hurt and offended if you make waves. Don't risk ruining the relationship with her so early on.

cashmere · 01/03/2013 13:14

I'd go and then save up and do a dream holiday for your anniversary...unless you're TTC soon. In which case I would also book the 2nd holiday sooner.

sherbetpips · 01/03/2013 13:18

The biggest thing to remember as a bridezilla is that once the special day is over you have to pay for it. Both in terms of how you behaved and the bills.
In terms of your dream location - realistically if you were paying for it yourself would you have been able to afford it without incurring any debt?
I like you would feel a bit funny about it but at the end of the day your honeymoon is being paid for to a warm place that actually has some very nice resorts. When the tan has faded and the pics put away you will need your family and your MIL more than the memories of the holiday.

If however she had booked you a week in Blackpool I would tell her where to stick it.

Jenny70 · 01/03/2013 13:23

I would assume that when MIL found that the 5 choices were out (for whatever reason, real or imagined) she spoke to your DH about Lanzarote. She may have already booked it, or maybe she confirmed it with him beforehand. It seems beyond bizarre to ask for 5 destinations, then change it to anther (I mean the whole booking the honeymoon for you is odd, but perhaps I can see it from a nice angle if you had a choice in destination).

If it was meant to be this big surprise etc, why does he know about it? What did he say when he found out?

It does seem very controlling MIL behaviour, but the time to back out has passed and now it's time to put on a smile and laugh about it if it all turns pear shaped.

It's only a holiday - yes a honeymoon, but still a marriage is about the years to come, not 2 weeks in Canary Islands...

Sparkletastic · 01/03/2013 13:26

I've been to Lanzarote twice for Xmas - Playa Blanca. It is actually jolly nice with lots of dramatic and beautiful scenery and some great food to be had in the coastal villages. If you are in a good hotel, with a nice pool, a bar and a comfy bed for consummation purposes then you will have a lovely time. We were knackered on our honeymoon from all the last minute wedding planning and shagging

WorriedTeenMum · 01/03/2013 13:34

How about this as a suggestion:

Get DF to tell MiL that something unspeakable happened when you were last in Lanzarote. Through counselling you have put the trauma behind you. Unfortunately no amount of counselling will make it possible to go to Lanzarote again.

If asked what the trauma was explain that it is too awful to think about .

Offer to top up honeymoon fund to go somewhere (anywhere) else.

Of course this does mean that for the rest of your life every time someone mentions Lanzarote you will have to give a little shudder but I dont think this will be too hard!

Bunbaker · 01/03/2013 13:53

It is interesting that their are some very different viewpoints on here. Does that reflect on the posters' relationships with their own ILs?

I get on very well with my MIL. We started off on the right footing and have continued ever since. I have also read numerous posts on MN from people who don't get on with their ILs and it seems to me that it makes life pretty miserable for some. Is it really worth sabotaging your relationship with them by refusing this holiday, which to all intents and purposes, is a kind and generous gesture?

I can only assume that as the OP is getting married during the school holidays that the MIL couldn't book the holiday she wanted the happy couple to have.

Jins · 01/03/2013 14:00

That may be true Bunbaker but why didn't the MIL say that she was struggling to get a booking at any of the five destinations that the couple had chosen and were there any other places they liked the look of?

It seems such a waste of money to book a holiday somewhere that isn't on the list.

Bunbaker · 01/03/2013 14:02

I agree. I would be wary of spending so much money on a surprise for someone unless I was very certain of their likes and dislikes.

MyDarlingClementine · 01/03/2013 14:10

can anyone explain looking a gift horse in the mouth terminology to me please

Chunderella · 01/03/2013 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AThingInYourLife · 01/03/2013 14:18

As I understand it one of the ways you check to see if a horse is worth buying is to check its mouth (for damage from the bit?).

But if you are given a horse for free you are not supposed to care if it is a useless nag that will cost you thousands in stable fees.

I get on well with my MIL.

But I wouldn't if she was this overbearing about how DH and I chose to spend our honeymoon.

ILikeBirds · 01/03/2013 14:27

How long is it booked for? Is it possible to book a further week somewhere else and have a two part honeymoon?

Were any of the original 5 choices outside of Europe?

BlueSkySoftSand · 01/03/2013 14:31

Not read the entire thread as my attention span is limited today, so apologies if someone has already given this info.

I've spent a fair bit of time in Lanza and know the island really well . . . happy to give you a list of places to visit and what to avoid, best restaurants and so on.

ILikeBirds · 01/03/2013 14:37

Oh, and la gomera is the other side of Tenerife, not close to lanzarote

ExitPursuedByABear · 01/03/2013 15:02

Athing You check the horse's mouth to tell how old it is (from it's teeth)

Grin
Kat101 · 01/03/2013 15:21

It just doesn't add up - since when was lanzarote hugely cheaper than mallorca? Its twice as far in air travel for starters?

FairPhyllis · 01/03/2013 15:53

I think because this is a traditional honeymoon it makes it more important that OP and her DF will feel comfortable in whatever environment they are in. If OP gets there and the MIL has booked them into a totally unsuitable hotel, the OP may feel upset and uncomfortable at a time when she and her DH are starting a new sexual part of their relationship. Having stress and resentment hanging over that week would probably be something the OP would always regret.

OP, your MIL is not being kind here, so don't let people persuade you to just suck it up. Kind would mean being considerate of your feelings and not using her generosity to make you feel you can't say anything.

MyDarlingClementine · 01/03/2013 15:56

Grin @ Chunderella

Thanks a thing

AThingInYourLife · 01/03/2013 15:58

Thanks, Exit.

Was trying to remember what it said in Black Beauty :o

I'm definitely on the non-horsey side of the family.

AThingInYourLife · 01/03/2013 16:00

"Kind would mean being considerate of your feelings and not using her generosity to make you feel you can't say anything."

Yes, exactly.

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