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Original poster

MIL organising honeymoon

202 replies

Lanzagrotty · 28/02/2013 21:29

I've namchanged for this as i suspect I may be being a bit bridezilla so would like to know your opinions.

I'm getting married at the end of August and a couple of months ago my soon to be MIL told us that she would pay for our honeymoon as a wedding present - she also said she would choose where we go and it would be a surprise. We had to choose five places in Europe and she would choose one.

Apparently this is a family tradition and although I know it is well meant and very generous I'm really unhappy about it.

My reasons are that we had an idea where we wanted to go before she made the offer and it wasn't in Europe. Secondly, and this might sound a bit strange but I think it would kind of feel like she was on honeymoon with us. i think a honeymoon is a very personal thing where the couple spend time alone away from families. So to me this it seems odd for my in-laws to choose where we're going.

But the main problem is that my finace let slip that she had told him where we are going and it turns out it's Lanzarote! This wasn't one of the five places we chose and apparently its because she couldn't get Mallorca (one of the places we DID choose)within budget. I went on a girls holiday to Lanzarote a few years ago and my image of it is definitely not that of a honeymoon destination.

What on Earth do I do without causing major upset just before I join the family. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lanzagrotty · 01/03/2013 10:43

AKiss Costa Rica was another one we were thinking about.
Exit do you know something?!? Spill!

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByABear · 01/03/2013 10:48

We went on an all inclusive about 3 years ago.

The people are fabulous
It is hot, very hot.
The food was OK but buffet style and you had to turn a blind eye to hygiene
I had to turn a blind eye to animal abuse
I had to turn a blind eye to animal abuse
I had to turn a blind eye to animal abuse
I had to turn a blind eye to the politics
The people are fabulous

HTH Wink

The hotel next door was child free and was probably more suited to honeymooners......

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/03/2013 10:57

Onyl just read this so too late for any useful input but my inlaws offered to pay for our honeymoon. So kind and I have never forgotten that. The difference being they put the destination entirely in our hands.

For me there's just too much interference here but yes having agreed to her terms at the outset, if she won't budge now on destination, just focus on you & STBDH.

The charade of 'Choose 5 places which are then utterly disregarded' does hint at the possibility of additional family travellers to share your good fortune as already suggested! Don't be surprised if you find more familiar faces at breakfast!

Anyway good luck OP tell us how DP gets on with discussing your honeymoon.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 01/03/2013 11:03

Do you know what hotel you are in? It could be that she is looking for 5 star hotels and the ones in Mallorca were more expensive.If its a nice hotel with its own beach area, then I can't really see what the problem is.

Personally I'm going to go against the crowd here. You agreed to her booking it. You didn't have an issue with the controlling nature of it when it was a destination of your choice.

I can see why you are put out now, but I'd get all the information before you have the "big talk" with her, or indeed don't. Iliked Lanzarote when we went, granted it wasn't a cultural hot bed, but nor would I imagine is Menorca. We did some of the Cesar Manrique things and that was fun and a camel ride that was not.

On our honeymoon we went to Colorado where it snowed in June and I wish we had just gone somewhere hot and relaxing.Granted Lanzarote would not have been on my list, but it doesn't mean its awful.

PommePoire · 01/03/2013 11:10

OP are you 100% sure that this isn't some devilish scheme designed to 'test' your to measure your manners and grace under pressure? The idea being that your MIL lets you think the honeymoon is to Lanzarote, but really she has booked one of your chosen destinations and that is the surprise?

This is not the same really, but when we got married we opened our wedding presents before we went on honeymoon. My godparents had bought us a (very nice!) oven dish. I am ashamed to admit that I privately thought to myself that they'd been a tiny bit mean, given that I was very close to them and they are financially more than comfortable. Well, thank goodness, I kept my brattish thoughts to myself, because when we returned from honeymoon it was to find an absolutely beautiful framed embroidery sampler with our names, the date and place of our wedding etc. that my godmother had painstakingly stitched herself. So, maybe your MIL has booked your dream honeymoon and it's 'all part of the fun' that she's letting you think otherwise?

PommePoire · 01/03/2013 11:11

Designed to test 'you' not 'your' obviously, sorry.

Original poster
Lanzagrotty · 01/03/2013 11:30

Knowing them it's not a test or a joke and to be fair I doubt very much that they'll turn up on our honeymoon.
the original yes I think you've hit the nail on the head re hotels.
Exit oh dear, I'd thought about the political situation but not anything to do with animal welfare Sad

OP posts:
theoriginalandbestrookie · 01/03/2013 11:30

Actually just had a thought.

If your DF is going to talk to her, could he steer it along the lines that you have been to Lanzarote before and you feel it's important on honeymoon to go to somewhere new together? That's assuming of course that you haven't been to the other destinations before.

It feels a bit better than saying that Lanzarote is not naice, which to be honest, she can't really help but interpreting as you feel she has bad judgement.

I can see how it happened. She probably went into the travel agent with her list but then realised they were over budget and the assistant probably suggested Lanzarote as an alternative.

I don't think either of you are necessarily wrong, but you do have to be very very careful how you handle it otherwise it will taint the wedding and future relationships with your MIL.

AKissIsNotAContract · 01/03/2013 11:34

' assistant probably suggested Lanzarote as an alternative.'

any travel agent who suggests Lanzarote for a honeymoon is in the wrong job.

SanityClause · 01/03/2013 11:38

I think asking to change it will seem very grabby, frankly. They are giving you a lovely gift horse, and you are staring onto its wide open mouth.

If you really want to go to Cuba, save up and go another time.

Incidentally, I have been to Lanzarote to this hotel. Twice.

AKissIsNotAContract · 01/03/2013 11:39

'oh dear, I'd thought about the political situation but not anything to do with animal welfare '

I must say that although their political situation leaves a lot to be desired, so does ours. The way they treat the elderly is exemplary and education is free for everyone as far as they would like to go. Yes of course there are major failings too, but I'd sooner support Cuba with my tourism than many other countries.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 01/03/2013 11:41

Seriously Akiss, it's not Magaluf. I thought Lanzarote was ok when we were there, and we have travelled quite a bit.

5 star hotels are fairly similar the world over. If it's a big one with it's own grounds and restaurants then you won't be out that much.

Is it a week or a fortnight - sorry you may have said earlier ? If its a week then I'd say it will be fine provided the hotel is high quality.

YellowFlyingPineapple · 01/03/2013 11:45

NO NO NO! Do not let allow her to do this or it will be the beginning of very stormy waters.

It is the honeymoon of you and you soon to be DH, you gave her a list of 5 possibles and she ignored them in favour of Lanzarote, really Lanzarote for a honeymoon?

Holidays after your honeymoon generally especially if children have been born are not the luxury, thrill-seeking and memorable experiences that honeymoons should be in my opinion but more easy and practical locations. Lanzarote would not be on my list as a honeymoon destination, ever.

She should either give with a good heart or don't give at all. Traditionally the groom decides and surprises his bride after they have married. What a strange world for a MIL to be so involved in details of your marriage! My DH pulled the most amazing honeymoon surprise out of the bag when we retired to bed after the wedding celebrations had ended, he would have been taking the honeymoon alone if his Mother had decided where we were going.

Say a very firm and polite NO or risk trouble in the future.

DioneTheDiabolist · 01/03/2013 11:47

The good thing about Lanzarote is that it's close to La Gomera - the Canary Island that tourism forgot. It has it's own little micro climate, a cloud forest.

I think that there are flights from Lanzarote, so it may be worthwhile to look into this. Use Lanzarote as your base OP and book yourselves a few days at the beautiful Parador on La Gomera.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 01/03/2013 11:55

That would have been good advice yellowflyingpineapple if the OP had not already agreed in principal to the honeymoon MIL purchase idea.

My bet is that by saying No now it's going to escalate to something very unpleasant, unless it''s handled very carefully. In all the holidays I have booked recently I'm fairly sure you don't get to change destination or cancel them without significant financial penalty.

Yes MIL should have checked before changing destination to Lanzarote but honestly if I had been her I wouldn't have thought it would be as bad as some of you are saying. There is a lot of unnecessary snobbery about the Canary islands.

Jins · 01/03/2013 12:04

The OP agreed in principal to the honeymoon idea when she got to pick five destinations

All bets are off now as the MIL has decided to ignore the choices

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/03/2013 12:11

Look on the bright side you are bound to get sunshine. There might be a spa with lovely treatments. Don't forget to set your alarm clock nice and early for bagging a sunbed by the pool. It's not likely to be a month long so I'm sure you and DP can endure.

Btw as we're on the subject of falling into traps, remember this when it comes to Christmas - start as you mean to go on - don't get into rigid of patterns of this-year-at-PILs-next-at-Lanzagrotty's-folks. Assert yourselves, join in when you fancy but don[t be shy of saying you're starting your own traditions.

Original poster
Lanzagrotty · 01/03/2013 12:19

OK. I'm having second thoughts about saying anything now. I hadn't thought about it costing them more money. That would be a disaster as this has happened due to budget limitations anyway. We could offer to pay the extra but it's going to seem really superior of us.
Shit. I'm going to have to go along with it aren't I?

OP posts:
Jins · 01/03/2013 12:23

I wouldn't OP

If the five destinations you chose are too expensive then surely you should get a second shot at chosing somewhere. It's NOT MIL's honeymoon

PopeBenedictsP45 · 01/03/2013 12:28

"It's NOT MIL's honeymoon"

Yes, exactly. And if money's a problem for them they shouldn't be organising it in the first place! Do you think she felt under pressure because 'it's a tradition' but she can't really afford it?

AKissIsNotAContract · 01/03/2013 12:30

Don't go along with it. Reassure her that if budget is an issue then you will gladly pay for your own honeymoon. Your PIL can take the Lanzarote holiday and you can go where you like.

Original poster
Lanzagrotty · 01/03/2013 12:34

they've got plenty of money but that's not the point. Looks like they reached the limit of what they were prepared to pay and that's fair enough but if we challenge it now and offer to pay more it'll look like we're saying they haven't spent enough i think.
Talking myself out of it now. Arrrgh

OP posts:
Jins · 01/03/2013 12:36

Well it's your choice OP. You can be all passive and grateful but you will still have had a honeymoon in a destination you not only didn't choose but didn't want.

teaandbourbons · 01/03/2013 12:37

Is it definitely all paid for? When are you due to travel? I think I would suck it up but make sure you are more prepared in future. I'm a wimp at these things though.

Original poster
Lanzagrotty · 01/03/2013 12:40

Yes will defintiely be more prepared!

Right off to measure my boobs now Grin
Will update if anything significant happens

Oh and thanks for all the tips ladies I will definitely be checking out La Gomera etc.

OP posts: