MIL organising honeymoon

[Lanzagrotty]

I've namchanged for this as i suspect I may be being a bit bridezilla so would like to know your opinions.

I'm getting married at the end of August and a couple of months ago my soon to be MIL told us that she would pay for our honeymoon as a wedding present - she also said she would choose where we go and it would be a surprise. We had to choose five places in Europe and she would choose one.

Apparently this is a family tradition and although I know it is well meant and very generous I'm really unhappy about it.

My reasons are that we had an idea where we wanted to go before she made the offer and it wasn't in Europe. Secondly, and this might sound a bit strange but I think it would kind of feel like she was on honeymoon with us. i think a honeymoon is a very personal thing where the couple spend time alone away from families. So to me this it seems odd for my in-laws to choose where we're going.

But the main problem is that my finace let slip that she had told him where we are going and it turns out it's Lanzarote! This wasn't one of the five places we chose and apparently its because she couldn't get Mallorca (one of the places we DID choose)within budget. I went on a girls holiday to Lanzarote a few years ago and my image of it is definitely not that of a honeymoon destination.

What on Earth do I do without causing major upset just before I join the family. Am I being unreasonable?

[ssd]

I don't know why you are so worried about this, its the rest of your married life I'd be worrying about

[digerd]

I think honeymoons are old fashioned as were intended for married couples who had not lived together or even had sex before the marriage.
Dh and I didn't have one after 9 years of living together. But dad paid for a holiday abroad the following year, and we booked for Majorca which is where we had met 10 years before.

MIL has already paid for it. Book your own next year for your real Honeymoon.

[Patchouli]

Maybe do one night at the start and one night at the end in Lanzarote so you use the flights. Then pop over to Essaouira/Marrakesh and stay in a nice riad for most of it. Any photo queries tell MIL Morocco was just an excursion.

[AKissIsNotAContract]

digerd the OP already said she hasn't has sex prior to marriage.

[AThingInYourLife]

"He says it doesn't matter as long as we're together - very sweet but doesn't help any!"

That is not sweet. It's wet.

He's letting his mother run his life and now your joint life.

diddl is right. The main fault here is that he said Lanzarote was OK without checking with you.

This is the start of your married life together and he's letting his mother plan it without any input from you.

This would give me serious pause about marrying into this family.

Normal families don't railroad other people into traditions that are barely disguised bossiness.

You should have felt able to refuse.

That you didn't is an indication of what your life will be like if you go ahead and shackle yourself to these people.

FWIW nearly 6 years after our amazing honeymoon planned by my now DH (in consultation with me) the memories of that wonderful break together sustain me through the grim days when poo explosion follows tantrum follows last minute school closure.

[Bejeena]

I agree book the honeymoon you want to go on for later on. We didn't have our honeymoon until five months after wedding because my husband organised it and it was a surprise and was best for us to go in December rather than straight after wedding because we went to Thailand! Just do that and of course to you and hubby the holiday you book will be your honeymoon your MIL just gave you a holiday as a wedding present.

[AThingInYourLife]

I got pregnant on my honeymoon, so a late honeymoon would have been wasted on me.

It kind of needs to be right after the wedding, to my mind.

If we had been waiting until we were married to shag that woukd have seemed even more important.

And way more weird that my prospective husband wanted his mother to make the arrangements.

[Doubletroublemummy2]

WWhhaaaat!!!! Your MIL is buying you a holiday!!!! what a bitch!!! you gonna have take time away and enjoy yourself at someone elses expense!! ~i mean really did she not even think of your feelings!!! this sort of shit is exactly why we never had a honey moon! oh wait no it isn't it's because we couldn't afford and don't have a MIL to splash the cash!

You could go on that honeymoon, enjoy it and save for another later

[AThingInYourLife]

If by "later" you mean in a couple of decades, then yes they can just have the same kind of holiday later.

In my case opprtunities for holiday alone with husband since honeymoon = 0

[Jins]

I just wonder why you were asked to choose five destinations if none of them were booked.

Is it booked for immediately after the wedding? If not then book a sneaky weekend in Paris before you go and call that your honeymoon

Otherwise - and what I'd have done - is tell DH to be that you don't want to go to Lanzarote for your honeymoon and get him to sort it out before the booking is finalised.

[MyDarlingClementine]

Who would put thier honeymoon in thier mils hands anyway.

This is a life lesson you are learning here - and for that - this is an invaluble holiday!

[AnnieLobeseder]

Has everyone missed the part where the OP said that is going to be a honeymoon in the traditional sense? So it's not just a quick holiday after the wedding, it really will be very special for her and her new DH.

OP, please be more firm about it. You will remember how this plays out for the rest of your life!! Surely they can change the plans that have been made.

[MyDarlingClementine]

I have no idea why but I have always thought getting a sleeper train to scotland was soo romantic as a honeymoon with a little hamper.

[Doubletroublemummy2]

Have people totally lost the plot on what is actually important. OP I think your DF has the right idea when he say's as long as you are together,..Your honeymoon is about the fact that you are together for the first time not about location. It will be special no matter where you are.

Also please bear in mind that the month long international honeymoon is the product of 21st century advertising and wedding magazines. It is traditional for the grooms family to pay fo the honeymoon (and for it be at the nearest beach resort if you're lucky) as it is for the brides family to pay for the wedding, but often this doesn't happen.

I don't see why the MIL trying to do something nice for the couple should be automatically assumed as being controlling, and anyway, you are marrying into a new family, you won't be ableto get things your own way all the time. she is probably just trying to be involved as she is about to loose her son to his new wife.

[Jins]

I hadn't missed it. Thats why I suggested a weekend in Paris!

The fact that the honeymoon is so significant makes it even odder that it's been handed over to MIL to manage.

I honestly wouldn't have allowed this in OPs position.

[FashionFail]

It could be a double bluff: she's tried to confince your df that it's Lanzarote but it's really somewhere much nicer .

Maybe.

[Doubletroublemummy2]

P.S. you can often judge a mans temperament by the way he treats his mother,..

Do you really want a man who is willing to tell his mother that something she has put time and effort and scraped together the money for isn't good enough..

Sounds to me like you are marrying a really nice guy

[missnevermind]

You could bring up in conversation how much you are looking forward to the Honeymoon - as the last holiday you had was a really shitty one in Lanzarotte and you are so grateful that you are not going back there!

[Lanzagrotty]

OK. It's been decided that DF will have a gentle word with his mum. I couldn't change the booking without her knowledge as it's bound to come out and that would be incredibly rude!

If she's really pissed off about us asking to change the booking we'll go and do our research to make the best of it. I'm just worried that even asking will cause a row.

No not the Maldives . I've always fancied Cuba as it seems like such a unique place. DF not really bothered about travel so this is just about me and what I want really.
Wish us luck!

[Jins]

Good Luck OP!

[ExitPursuedByABear]

Cuba is definitely unique

[LittleEdie]

YANBU

[AKissIsNotAContract]

I love Cuba, have been there twice. As long as you don't mind the food not being great, it's an amazing place.

We are going to Costa Rica for our honeymoon.

[Sausagedog27]

Good luck! I think you need to agree with your partner what he will say- gentle might not cut it. She probably will be annoyed in having to change the booking- doesn't mean you should accept that though.

[Hullygully]

I think this is hilarious.

No one, no one, no one would choose Lanzarote as a honeymoon surprise.

They wouldn't.

And there's no way you couldn't get Mallorca/Minorca etc as cheap.