MIL organising honeymoon

[Lanzagrotty]

I've namchanged for this as i suspect I may be being a bit bridezilla so would like to know your opinions.

I'm getting married at the end of August and a couple of months ago my soon to be MIL told us that she would pay for our honeymoon as a wedding present - she also said she would choose where we go and it would be a surprise. We had to choose five places in Europe and she would choose one.

Apparently this is a family tradition and although I know it is well meant and very generous I'm really unhappy about it.

My reasons are that we had an idea where we wanted to go before she made the offer and it wasn't in Europe. Secondly, and this might sound a bit strange but I think it would kind of feel like she was on honeymoon with us. i think a honeymoon is a very personal thing where the couple spend time alone away from families. So to me this it seems odd for my in-laws to choose where we're going.

But the main problem is that my finace let slip that she had told him where we are going and it turns out it's Lanzarote! This wasn't one of the five places we chose and apparently its because she couldn't get Mallorca (one of the places we DID choose)within budget. I went on a girls holiday to Lanzarote a few years ago and my image of it is definitely not that of a honeymoon destination.

What on Earth do I do without causing major upset just before I join the family. Am I being unreasonable?

[neunundneunzigluftballons]

Family traditions and weddings blah. We are in a world of bother after a family tradition really offended the bride and has caused a huge rift in the family. I now believe they are better not happening.

[notallytuts]

Any update OP? Would love to know how it turned out

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

Going by the original post, I'd imagine that Lanzagrotty is either on her honeymoon at the moment or is back from it. I'm sure we'd love an update as to where you ended up going and how the whole situation resolved itself.

Hope you had a lovely wedding & that where ever you ended up on honeymoon was just lovely!

[theoriginalandbestrookie]

Hi there OP, did your DF speak to his DM in the end. I ( and I'm sure others) would love an update.

[tempnameswap]

Yes honestly OP, it probably sounds overly dramatic to you whilst basking in love but this really is a slippery slope.

You are probably thinking, it may be misguided but it is basically kind of these MILs to book holidays, buy prams etc etc. My problem is mainly the location... But it seems to be classic behaviour of the potentially controlling MIL to start at the wedding and then ramp things up once the first gc is on the way - when they feel control over their son escaping basically. Believe me, you want a husband who is brave enough to challenge this early. Sons of controlling mothers often become immune to how insidious this is and have been brought up to go along with it for a peaceful life.

Get HIM (it really is essential YOU do not get involved) to say that he has realised he wants to arrange the honeymoon. It is important to him and he is only sorry he didn't flag this earlier but worried about upsetting her.

Honestly, setting the tone now is vital! Been there......

[MyDarlingClementine]

I with merry mouthed cows.

You offer the money or contribute but dont control whole thing.
I knew people that did control and pay for it but the couple were over the mooon ( ) with the desitnation as it was seychelles.

I had a small thing where MIL offered to buy pram - v nice of her - I wondered when she would suggest us going to choose it - however what she meant was I am going to buy the pram with my own mother, adn you dont get a say in it.

So we said - no thanks, I will be using it everysingleday thanks, I want to choose it.

She was seething she said at lunch to her friend infornt of us " Have you heard of x prams - they are soo cool, we brought one for them but they made us take it back"

[LondonKitty]

Leave the bastard!!!

[MerryCouthyMows]

It concerns me that your DF would rather keep his Mother happy than you. (Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.)

What is going to happen when you have DC? If she disagrees with you, say, waiting till 6 months to wean? Would she ignore your wishes on that?

I think your future MIL is very controlling, and your DF's reaction to this situation (keeping his head down and not standing up for your wishes) tells me that he is still very much controlled by her.

Which isn't going to help your relationship, because every time he has to choose which one of you to keep happy (and there WILL be future disagreements where EITHER you or your MIL can be kept happy, but not both of you), will he choose to support you?

This sort of behaviour from a MIL is very insidious, and can cause a LOT of resentment on your part.

Personally? I would tell her thank you, but no thank you. Maybe SHE could use the booked holiday to Lanzarote, but you wish to go to Paris / South America / Africa / India / anywhere other than Lanzagrotty for your honeymoon. You appreciate the thought, greatly so, but you feel that you only get one chance to have a proper honeymoon, and you want that to be somewhere you and your DF wish to go, and you don't feel that Lanzarote is an ideal honeymoon destination.

If she kicks off, stay firm, without being nasty. This is YOURS AND YOUR DF'S honeymoon - NOT your MIL's honeymoon!!

[Lavenderhoney]

Has your dh spoken to your mil yet? And also have to spoken to him about discussing where to go without including you or discussing it with you first?

She might have assumed he discussed it with you anyway and you were ok with it. You could ask your mil - I hear you couldn't book where we wanted ( one of 5 places) and had another place in mind. Did you know dh didn't mention it to me first? Because I am not sure it's where I wanted to go for my honeymoon.

You should do this if your dh won't admit to her he didn't check with you. Have you been together long?

[OrangeLily]

YANBU

That sounds like hell and a very strange choice on her part. Is there any chance of you dropping in to conversation

"You'll never get what silly DH2B said to me the other day..... He was trying so hard to wind me up... He said we are going to Lanzarote on honeymoon.....Can you imagine honeymooning there... Hahahahaha" "MIL I trust you'd never do that to me, I'm so glad iv got you when he tries so hard to wind me up"

I had a dream honeymoon straight after the wedding with a romantic stop over. DH planned it as a surprise and it was simply amazing. I sympathise with u here!!

[Pendipidy]

What's happening then? Have you discussed it with her? I think an open and honest conversation is the only way forward.

[Bunbaker]

I agree with Bertha and HouseOfBears. Just ask your MIL. It isn't fair that everyone else knows except for you.

[HouseOfBears]

I agree with Bertha, definitely say to mil that although it's their tradition, it's really stressing you out that you don't know where you're going, and that you have tried to go along with the tradition but it's making you really uncomfortable so can they please let you know the details and then you can get excited! Then if it's a lovely 5* resort then you're on a winner, and if it looks a bit grotty you can decide what to do. The not knowing would drive me nuts, I'm very fussy about where to stay and like to have read all the reviews and looked into the area etc.

I think to turn around and say "we don't want to go there, we want somewhere nicer" however politely you phrase it would be very rude, specially as you don't have the full picture.

[BegoniaBampot]

Why on earth did you agree to this in the fist place?

[HairyHandedTrucker]

get your fiance to speak to your future mil for you. and don't feel bad!

[Loa]

I think you need to talk to your DF again- tell him its worrying you this much. That your worried about location and that they might take it into their heads to turn up.

If you then can't both find a way to take over the booking or talk to your MIL to put your mind at rest make sure you have a contingency plan - money set aside list of alternative accommodation and access to transport to at least if its terrible you can change hotel or go somewhere nearby.

It's not a good sign though IME. First time my IL were a real problem was at our small wedding causing a row between us day before and after with their antics all they had to do was turn up but still caused issues - inviting a couple to stay with us in our accommodation on our wedding night ffs - then when that failed stayed till 2 am then came round at 6 as half said couple wanted to go shopping with us- was nothing compare to their behavior was first DC was born.

[Spoonful]

Unlike most people I do think YABU to be honest.

1. The whole island can't be awful and grotty. If you end up somewhere cheap and cheerful, you'd have got the same in Majorca or wherever else you'd suggested, so you'd have had to make the best of it in just the same way.
   

1. The time to say no to the plan has passed, if they've spent time organising, money AND your DF verbal agreed with the destination.
   

1. Having your dream holiday next year or whenever will still be just as magical as straight after the wedding. You are having an extra little break, it does come across as churlish and spoilt to complain about it to me.

[Snazzynewyear]

I would still want to rebook. As I said earlier, say the original hotel had to close unexpectedly or something. Get fiance to find out the details to change the booking.

[Fillyjonk75]

La Gomera is idyllic and I'd be happy to have a honeymoon there.

[Fillyjonk75]

In-laws paid for our reception but we had booked & sorted it before they offered, not that they would be controlling anyway.

I would be very uncomfortable about the OP's arrangement!

[BerthaTheBogCleaner]

I think you should go to MIL and say that, actually, having thought about it, you've realised you really really don't like surprises, at all. And that as they've already let the cat out of the bag to your fiance, you'd like for it not to be a surprise any more, and please could she tell you all about where you're going so that you can enjoy getting excited about it (and look at tourist guides with her, or whatever).

Then you can figure out what to do, once you know what's planned.

Chances are she's planning something she thinks will be lovely with the best of intentions. Time to get things out in the open, and for you to talk to her. You've got a looong relationship with her ahead, get friendly now.

But if this is a "proper" traditional honeymoon for you, and she's booked you a good hotel, the location of the hotel is probably not awfully relevant .

[MyDarlingClementine]

I am just wondering what delightful places my mil would have carefully chosen had she been in charge of my honeymoon....sibera/north korea

[Jins]

I agree. If I'd allowed someone else to take away the pleasure of choosing which hotel I stay in and which country I go to in the first place (which is highly unlikely) there would be little chance that DH would retain his consumation parts if I ended up somewhere I didn't want to go.

I don't understand why so many seem to think that OP should suck it up to keep things sweet either. Surely a healthy relationship doesn't need one party to be a complete pushover?

Ah well - glad I didn't have this fuss. I can still remember MILs annoyance when we told her we were going abroad and nobody was invited :)

[Sparkletastic]

But MIL did check with DP and he said Lanzarote would be fine - I'd have castrated mine if he did that without consulting me not much consummation would take place if so mind you

[Writehand]

I think you're being VU. I can completely see why you're upset but the time to prevent all this is long past. You had all these feelings and should have spoken up at the outset.

As things are, you've let it go far too long to get difficult now. Being unco-operative at this stage is just rude and unfriendly and will do your relationship with your new DH's family no good at all. Bite your tongue & make the best of it.