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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To get really uncomfortable around a friend when she smacks her children...

235 replies

Toowittoowoo · 11/02/2013 16:23

....and other harsh (in my view) disciplining?

I know it is none of my business how somebody else disciplines their DCs but they are all under 3 and they are so lovely. I also don't always understand why they are smacked - seems like trivial things to me. I just can't see my friend in the same way as I used to if she is capable of treating her children like that.

OP posts:
Emsmaman · 11/02/2013 16:27

YANBU, I wouldn't want to be around that. Not much you can do since it's legal but I would cut contact if possible.

As an aside I have noticed a "friend" well wife of a friend posting pro-smacking stuff on facebook and she works in a nursery Shock. I hope none of the staff at DD's nursery feel the same!

BubblegumPie · 11/02/2013 16:29

I actually felt sick after a relative smacked his three year old. I do try not to judge people but it does make me feel very uncomfortable. I don't think you're being unreasonable to FEEL anything, it's more what you do about the way you feel.

It sounds as if you think your friend is overreacting and giving out harsher than necessary punishments, maybe you could chat with her about how stressful raising children can be and how important it is to try and have some 'me time'. Maybe you could offer to babysit occasionally?

You might find that with support and a bit of relaxing child free time your friend copes a bit better and isn't so quick to smack?

Callisto · 11/02/2013 16:29

I couldn't be friends with someone who regularly whacked their very young children. And I would have to tell said 'friend' why I was withdrawing my friendship. I also wouldn't want my DD witnessing other children being hit.

How regular is the hitting?

ToothGah · 11/02/2013 16:31

My aunt and uncle used to smack my cousin. Until she was about 15 Confused

It was horrendous and I can still remember how I felt when it happened as a kid. Can still remember her wailing :( YANBU.

CailinDana · 11/02/2013 16:32

I couldn't be friends with someone who regularly smacked their children. It would make me feel awful.

Original poster
Toowittoowoo · 11/02/2013 16:36

Fairly regular and it is used as a threat A LOT e.g. "if you don't do XYZ then you'll get a smack".

Can't talk to her about it - she has 3 DCs and I have 1 DC. She would be right in thinking that I have no experience of dealing with 3 toddlers at the same time.

We've been friends for a long time but I don't think I agree with any of their parenting choices. Obviously nothing to do with me but I does change how you think about people.

OP posts:
PessaryPam · 11/02/2013 16:38

Send her to the salt mines if you can. Alternatively if she is mildly chastising her children with a mild slap you could just get a grip.

georgedawes · 11/02/2013 16:42

A mild slap?!

What a lovely phrase.

Greensleeves · 11/02/2013 16:47

I binned a friend because of this. I didn't want my children to see me giving positive regard to somebody who hits children. And I found it increasingly difficult to like her. I just don't have any respect for someone who hits smaller, weaker people.

PessaryPam · 11/02/2013 16:47

Well my kids survived parental smacking. And they are fine and we had a much nicer time with them than others who basically tried to negotiate with brats for years. All ended up nice kids at the end except we had a much better intervening period. So TBH I don't think it makes much difference as long as you are fair.

PessaryPam · 11/02/2013 16:48

Well I am sure she is happy to be rid Green. I found my ineffectually parenting friends totally irritating.

thebody · 11/02/2013 16:49

Wouldn't like this as a regular thing.

I have smacked mine on some occasions, blatant disregard or persistent ignoring of family rules but never as a regular thing. That's a bit sad.

I don't know what you can say to her without causing a massive row.

But I couldn't watch this all the time.

Callisto · 11/02/2013 16:49

Hard if she is an old friend, but I still couldn't sit back and watch an adult hit a child, no matter what their relationship. Is it a case of her being at the end of her tether do you think (in which case some help may stop her hitting her children so much) or is it a more deliberate 'we use physical force to dicipline' sort of thing?

Greensleeves · 11/02/2013 16:49

Kids survive all sorts of things. I'd like my children to remember their childhood as something a bit more than "survival" personally.

Nobody is allowed to hit them. And they are not allowed to hit anyone. Because hitting people is wrong. No-brainer.

Callisto · 11/02/2013 16:50

Gosh Pessary, a smug hitter. How very unattractive.

PessaryPam · 11/02/2013 16:50

Note I did not smack my kids very often but it was a back up that was there. Why would I?

aldiwhore · 11/02/2013 16:50

You either need to walk away.

Say something, resulting in enforced walking away.

Or see her only when she doesn't have the children and isn't in mum mode. I don't like the way a couple of my friend's parent, I stick to grown up time with them... it very tough, but these are very old and for the most part, very lovely people with very weird ideas on the subject of parenting.

PessaryPam · 11/02/2013 16:51

Callisto do you realize how much I don't care about you opinion. Can't believe I bothered to post but that's for all of a similar ilk.

thebody · 11/02/2013 16:51

Pam i agree with ineffectual parenting as bloody annoying but there's too far the other way and smacking all the time is a waste of time.

Voice and tone should be enough, firm consistent boundaries etc.

Greensleeves · 11/02/2013 16:52

DH and I are pretty strict btw and we have high standards for our children's behaviour. DS1 has Aspergers and can be very challenging. He is, however, doing well in mainstream school and is a happy child with lots of friends.

You've done a fab job of showing what is at the root of smacking PessaryPam. Ignorance. The assumption that the only alternative is permissiveness. I recommend parenting classes. It's never too late.

Londonmrss · 11/02/2013 16:54

Pessary, are you suggesting that smacking is the only to be effective as a parent?

PessaryPam · 11/02/2013 16:54

Of Greensleeves I am afraid my terminally damaged children are all grown up and strangely doing well and happy. But thanks so much for your input.

PessaryPam · 11/02/2013 16:54

London, no but is is in the tool kit and is the final resort.

Iggly · 11/02/2013 16:55

Your parenting couldn't have been that good Pessary if you had to keep smacking them.

YANBU. I'd get rid.

twofingerstoGideon · 11/02/2013 16:56

I am afraid my terminally damaged children are all grown up and strangely doing well and happy. But thanks so much for your input.

Probably in spite of being smacked, not because of being smacked.
You sound very flippant about your smacking habit...