Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To get really uncomfortable around a friend when she smacks her children...

235 replies

Toowittoowoo · 11/02/2013 16:23

....and other harsh (in my view) disciplining?

I know it is none of my business how somebody else disciplines their DCs but they are all under 3 and they are so lovely. I also don't always understand why they are smacked - seems like trivial things to me. I just can't see my friend in the same way as I used to if she is capable of treating her children like that.

OP posts:
SoldAtAuction · 11/02/2013 20:47

*thank you

kickassmomma · 11/02/2013 20:47

Yea because it's really a crime?

I was something that my brother did to his son. It is better to take a child aside and do it out of the way than embarrass them infront of people? We are in a day and age when people will clash over punishment and what might be right for one wot be for another and the last thing that's needed is people passing judgement during the punishment. I don't 'wait' either I take her aside straight away so wherever is nearest and suitable

kickassmomma · 11/02/2013 20:50

Thankyou polka dot! A light slap is all most people I no give

If you think it is bad you should see how my eldest brother punished his son! He is stood in the corner of a room and made to stand as straight as possible he learnt it in the army, obviously he doesn't use it to the degree as they do in the army but it is still not nice! Hmm

BlueberryHill · 11/02/2013 20:50

OP I would think that her smacking is as a result of being at the end of her tether in trying to control and parent three under threes, I have two 2yo plus a 6 yo and at times I feel at the end of my tether with them.

I cannot understand the reasoning behind smacking, please someone who smacks don't bother trying to explain it, none of the previous posts has done so. The only times I have ever felt that I was about to smack is when I had completely lost it, I walked away at that point. How could I ever tell a child that it is wrong to hit someone if I have done it to them.

Someone at work once said in explaining why he smacked his children, he said he would only do it when they were small, yes quite, no one 'smacks' older children do they, at least not without running of the risk of being hit back.

PolkadotCircus · 11/02/2013 20:51

I don't know tbf.

I think a lot of parents feel powerless and. I know parents who have tapped.To be honest I didn't bother me half as much as those that hollered in public and actually I'm not sure.

I think there is a lot of hysteria and hypocrisy over this subject

Wereonourway · 11/02/2013 20:57

I would never ever put my ds in a position where he was physically scared of me.
How anyone can cope with actually frightening their child and physically hurting then is beyond me.
Ds is 2 and I'm fairly sure I've got some challenges and trials ahead of me but I know with absolute certainty I will never ever hit him.
I'm talking about my baby, who is looking for me to teach him absolutely everything about life and who you would die to protect.
Why the fuck would you want to hit them?

ScariestFairyByFar · 11/02/2013 20:57

Yanbu I hate it when a certain lady shows up at toddlers as she regularly (at least twice a session) smacks her one year old dd on the hand or bum for normal toddler behaviour. Hmm

alemci · 11/02/2013 21:15

then again Kick perhaps it was better that your DB did this rather than hitting his son. This was a punishment in the 70s to go and stand in the corner.

or did you feel that your DB was being OTT and his DS didn't warrant being punished so harshly.

kickassmomma · 11/02/2013 21:26

I think it's not a nice punishment because it causes him physical pain eventhough db doesn't physically hit him the way in which he makes him
Stands causes him pain. Whn I smack dd it shocks her and that's it. His punishment is good on dn he never steps a foot out of line!

Greensleeves · 11/02/2013 21:39

Kickass you would take your child to a toilet so that you could hit her away from prying eyes?

So actually, you know damn well you shouldn't be doing it.

And you defend your actions by pointing out that you smack her in a really calm, cold-blooded way, after the fact once you are nice and chilled-out and ready to decide how much force to hit her with.

Poor little love Sad

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 11/02/2013 21:46

I was driving my 2 DC (an 8 hour journey, I was alone with the DC.) We made lots of stops along the way. Most of it was motorway.

IIRC my DC were about 6 and 8.6 yo.
They were in the back, in car seats.(Too young to seperate and put one in the front seat) They had toys, things to do , but were really winding each other up,leaning over, hitting each other with their pens etc.
I kept telling them to behave.
On the M6, something flew over my shoulder, scrunched up paper or something.Neither of them would admit. If I'd have lost control of the car, imagine the carnage Shock
I had threatened a punishment, so I did it.
I pulled over at the next service station, opened the boot and put every single one of their toys in the bin.

I don't care how much they cried. I don't drive in a bad temper.I refuse to.
But their stupid action could've killed me, them, maybe one of you reading this if my car had crashed.

I think they'd rather have been smacked TBH.

WaitingForPancakeDay · 11/02/2013 21:49

Well done 70s. Horrid to lose toys, but you did warn them, it was a dangerous situation. There is nothing o say smacking them would have been better. Besides they were hitting each other. Why would hitting them yourself been ok?

Greensleeves · 11/02/2013 21:53

70isalimit although that is obviously quite a strong response, I would say it was totally different from turning round and walloping them (or pulling over and calmly hitting them)

In your case the consequence was a logical one, as your children had demonstrated that they could not be trusted to use those toys responsibly in the car. The toys had to go. They were give a warning.

If you had responded to their behaviour by hitting them I think you would have taught them considerably less and made much less impact on their future behaviour (and lost the moral high ground)

kickassmomma · 11/02/2013 21:54

I've explained why I take her away. The thing I don't get is exactly that people will disagree but those who disagree with smacking make those that do sound so bad! It's a choice that I make and I choose to do it away from 'preying eyes' because I do not wish to have a full scale argument with people about how i discipline my child. I no people that smack and it doesn't work, there children will be he next criminals or here generation. But I also no people that don't smack and there kids are exactly the same. My daughter is very well behaved ( gloating smile) and I think I do a god damn brilliant job at bringing her up. She isn't scared of me nor does she hit people. She understands her punishments ad often she is place on the naughty step sent into a corner sometimes i take her out of the way just to tell her off. Her behaviour has to be continuingly consistent and dangerous to get a smack and the it is light. I do not smack when angry. If I get frustrated with her I walk away and calm down for a couple of minutes. I then come back if she continues despite all of the above +extra warnings i do not in any way smack her when calm so i can choose how hard I hit her. I do it do it is in a controlled way and and that I am not simply 'hitting her' out of frustration! Jeez I have stubbed my toe harder than I have ever smacked her. People should agree to disagree not question someone's choice at ever turn and calling them bad parents for there choice! What about those parents on drugs who let there 6year olds run the streets till all hours?! am I worse than them? My child is warm healthy clothed fed and disciplined and I am happy with how I parent! I she was unhappy I would change my ways! What does one smack a year do to a child? Nowt Wine

LineRunner · 11/02/2013 21:59

I'm still Shock over the smacking of three very small children under 3. So 2, 1 and O?

LineRunner · 11/02/2013 22:02

By the way one of most vivid memories as a child was when my mother went to 'smack'/hit one of my older brothers (the eldest) and he faced up to her, put his arm out to block her, and he said, 'No more.' He was 11.

Her face...

KumquatMae · 11/02/2013 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

simpson · 11/02/2013 22:06

Parent smacks their young child for doing something they shouldn't have done. The young child then smacks another young child at a toddler group for snatching a toy of them. Young child is them confused when they are told off because this is what happens to them.

I will admit to smacking my DD (she was 3 at the time). She was having some screaming hissy fit about not being allowed to have another biscuit/treat just before dinner a d then she bit me on the leg. I was so Shock at the pain that instinct kicked in and I lashed out and caught her on the face Sad

I felt dreadful afterwards, but it wasn't deliberate.

simpson · 11/02/2013 22:06

Sorry for typos, blooming iPad!!!

kickassmomma · 11/02/2013 22:13

Kumquat when I say it does "nowt" I mean it doesn't cause distress or pain or mentally scares her! If you read any of my posts further down Ido say that all it does to her is shock her which is enough to stop whatever dangerous behaviour she is doing at the time! Smile

LineRunner · 11/02/2013 22:16

kick It won't shock her if you are taking her away to do it. It will made her very scared and anxious.

kickassmomma · 11/02/2013 22:19

Well seems to be doing the trick so far! Smile

Greensleeves · 11/02/2013 22:20

Kickassmomma the trouble is, you don't know what it is doing to her. She's a bit more complex than the expression on her face.

LineRunner, how fantastic for your brother. Did she stop hitting?

My mother used to say "kids' feelings are skin deep" and "they cry tears not blood". I think sadly it is typical for smackers to understand that children are as deep and sensitive as adults (more so, in fact). They're not goldfish.

letsgomaths · 11/02/2013 22:26

A couple of interesting observations by an anti-smacking book from the 1980's (which I read again and again following my own parents' methods):

"Many parents regard it not just as a right, but as their duty to hit their children."

"Our language has developed a remarkable vocabulary to cover the hitting of children: slapping, smacking, spanking, walloping, clouting, switching, 'six of the best', slippering, belting..." There were more I think.

MadameDefarge · 11/02/2013 22:27

the only times i smacked ds were when he was under 3. it was a total failure on my part as a parent. it happened about three times. i was the adult. now i care for my niece and nephew. yes there are moments i feel that impulse rise upb in me. but i ring fence it. i am a product of my upbringing when slapping spanking and hitting was the norm. i have to mitigate against it. i hope i have not substituted physical violence so it is replaced by other forms of abuse. i think not. because while we all fail as parents children are so loving they will forgive us almost anything. i dont want my child or children in my care to forgive my falings. i want them to know their bodies and spirits enjoy my protection.