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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to be there for all my children's firsts?

167 replies

Mytimewillcome · 08/02/2013 08:45

I suppose I don't really understand the people who say that they don't mind if, say their mil, can take their children to the park for the first time. I'd rather do that if at all humanly possible. I see it as some of these people wanting to do firsts with our children have already done it with theirs so surely if we want to we should be able to and not have to worry about someone else trying to take that moment away from us? It annoys me that someone like me is labelled as being selfish. Surely its the other person who is selfish for wanting to take that moment away from me?

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ErikNorseman · 08/02/2013 08:47

Really? I think life is too short to care. How can you possibly be there for every first? And how could you even remember all of them if you were? It never occurred to me that going to the park was a 'moment' either

LtEveDallas · 08/02/2013 08:49

I think it is an unrealistic expectation, and really, the park? There is nothing special about going to the park.

How far are you going to take this? First pair of wet pants? First swear word? First squeezing of teenage zit?

Save your ire for the importants - First birthday, first day at school, first wedding (Grin).

theoriginalandbestrookie · 08/02/2013 08:49

I think deep down we want to have all our DCs firsts, but sometimes that isn't possible.

DS did his first steps at the CM. Being a good person she didn't tell me, until she let it slip by accident. I could be upset by that, but I don't have the option of not working, so there we go.

However I'd kind of wonder how many firsts you are talking about. I don't really see taking a baby to the park as a "first". I have to say that seems a wee bit precious. To me firsts are - first word, first steps and first tooth. I did get a bit upset over the first tooth though as DS swallowed his first, then DH put the second one in the compost by mistake. After two hours raking through compost I realised that life is very short and whats really important is memories rather than firsts.

Original poster
Mytimewillcome · 08/02/2013 08:51

Yes really. I suppose I think that every first my children do is special and if I can be there and avoid someone else doing it I will. Maybe it comes with being a working mum but I will try my utmost to be there. Even nurseries say that if they see a child taking their first step they'll encourage them to do it at home.

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FlorriesDragons · 08/02/2013 08:52

It's never really bothered me. Far more important that my children have loving family involved in their lives and sharing their special moments than keeping them all to myself.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 08/02/2013 08:53

I feel just like you OP, my pfb though! Smile

Original poster
Mytimewillcome · 08/02/2013 08:54

I think I will try to do it for the first few years. It may not be achievable for everything as I work but as I said I will try my hardest. I think it means more to some people; less to others.

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Ragwort · 08/02/2013 08:55

I think you sound a bit obsessive and if you somehow feel 'guilty' for working and that you therefore should be available for every 'first moment'. How can you possibly be there for every 'first moment'? As your child[ren] grow up you surely won't remember each incident, my DS is 12 now and I can't remember his first word, step etc etc - Hmm - and I was at home with anywah Grin.

ErikNorseman · 08/02/2013 08:56

I'm a working mum and I don't care really. Life is too short to stress about this stuff. And really, how can nursery encourage children to take their first steps at home? Confused

ZillionChocolate · 08/02/2013 08:57

But these things aren't significant/memorable to babies and toddlers are they? So what you're treasuring is you seeing it for the first time. Which you can do even if mil already has.

MerylStrop · 08/02/2013 08:57

I don't know, maybe you get a bit slacker by the time you are on to your third.

First steps and first words are really special, and I think it would be a mean MIl (or whoever) who made a big song and dance about either happening in a mothers abscence

But anything else......nah, its fine.

CloudsAndTrees · 08/02/2013 08:58

Who are these people that think its selfish for you to want to see your own child's developmental milestones?

They sound weird.

valiumredhead · 08/02/2013 08:59

It's never occured to me tbh.

Original poster
Mytimewillcome · 08/02/2013 08:59

Exactly ZillionChocolate and what do you think others who do things for the first time with our children are also treasuring? Seeing them do it for the first time!

I don't feel guilty for working. I work part time and have a good work work/life balance.

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amothersplaceisinthewrong · 08/02/2013 08:59

I wonder how many Dad's obsess about being there for every "first"...

Going to the park???? I don't think it matters to a very small child one jott, they won't remember (and to be honest I don't remember all the firsts of my two - they are aged 24 and 22 now. . Yes, be there for the biggies if you can, but don't beat yourself up if you can't - that is just life.

GirlOutNumbered · 08/02/2013 09:02

The funny thing is, if you ask me now things like: What tooth did he get first or when did he get them, or when did he first crawl. I wouldn't be able to answer.

It is amazing watching them walk for the first time, or say something... but going to the park? Really?!

What zillion said too.

ChristmasJubilee · 08/02/2013 09:04

My ds's are 17, 15 and 6 and I am prone to being a bit precious with them all, but, I can honestly say I can't remember who saw their first steps, heard their first word or first took them anywhere. I'm none the worse for it and neither are they.

lljkk · 08/02/2013 09:05

I don't understand people who make such a big deal out of "firsts". They're my children forever, doesn't matter who was there for their first steps ice cream whatever.

Mosman · 08/02/2013 09:07

As long as you are there for the big events, first day at school etc the rest honestly doesn't matter

Arcticwaffle · 08/02/2013 09:09

We couldn't work out when the first step or the first word were with any of ours, there was a lot of babble that gradually turned into words, but where's the cut-off? Similarly with steps, there were staggers and then steps and then several steps but I can't say when any of mine first took a proper step.

But I guess I don't mind if "firsts" happen for someone else, because there's so much going on with children that you can miss some of it and there's still plenty left, IME.

Original poster
Mytimewillcome · 08/02/2013 09:16

Actually Cloudandtrees I read someone say it on another thread how they couldn't believe people get so precious about wanting to be there for their children's firsts and used going to the park as an example. I'm actually amazed that so many people aren't that bothered. Maybe not so much about going to the park. But having said that I still would want to be the first to take my child to the park. I just wonder if sometimes people who miss the firsts with their children then want to recapture that moment with their grandchildren?

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chandellina · 08/02/2013 09:16

Yabu, first trip to the park isn't exactly going to register with a tiny newborn. Even for the bigger stuff, I'm not that bothered, it's a milestone in my child's development, not a performance for my sole benefit.

Scootee · 08/02/2013 09:19

Let me tell you what my pfb did a few years ago.

Background was that we lived 100+ miles from all family at the time. Dh was working long hours and commuting. I had not left ds ever, he was 13 months old. I had been with him constantly since the moment he was born. I took him to visit my mum and I went out for 4 minutes to post a letter. The bugger only got up and walked, taking his first steps Grin.

Anyway, point is, it doesn't matter at all. It is all kind of irrelevant in the greater scheme of things.

SminkoPinko · 08/02/2013 09:19

rookie, I love that you searched through the compost for your baby's tooth! i' m never going to use the phrase "searching for a needle in a haystack" again. From now on it's going to be "like searching for a tooth in a compost heap" all the way! so so so sweet. I have lots of saved baby teeth but like you struggle to mark important events in my babies' lives in the context of a busy disorganised working life and hence they are all mixed up and I don't know which teeth came from which child.

don't feel the same way about park trips, I must admit, mytimewillcome!

Original poster
Mytimewillcome · 08/02/2013 09:19

Can I just ask how seeing my child's reaction to seeing their hero Iggle Piggle on stage for the first time was a performance for my own benefit? I saw lots of people watching their children's reactions rather than looking at what was going on on stage. Same thing isn't it?

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