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AIBU?

to want to be there for all my children's firsts?

167 replies

Mytimewillcome · 08/02/2013 08:45

I suppose I don't really understand the people who say that they don't mind if, say their mil, can take their children to the park for the first time. I'd rather do that if at all humanly possible. I see it as some of these people wanting to do firsts with our children have already done it with theirs so surely if we want to we should be able to and not have to worry about someone else trying to take that moment away from us? It annoys me that someone like me is labelled as being selfish. Surely its the other person who is selfish for wanting to take that moment away from me?

OP posts:

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marriedinwhite · 08/02/2013 21:06

And actually OP "all" your children's firsts is a bit extrememe. As the mother of teenagers I trust that doesn't extend to first, hickey, first French kiss, first sex, first ciggy, first time getting pissed, first time throwing up in someone else's garden or even first drag on a Sheesha pipe joint

DiscoTent · 08/02/2013 21:11

'It's great to cherish your children and the special moments you have together, just not so good if you can't share them with anyone else.' Covers it exactly. My children are amazing and special, I do cherish our time together, but that doesn't stop them having amazing times without me.

DS1 took his first steps with my mum, she looks after him while I work, puts in an amazing amount of time and energy, she is an amazing grandparent, I love her, DS1 loves her. I love that it was a special moment for her.

DS2 took his first steps in front of me but the memory will be forever tainted by the trip to casualty that followed (who knew you could hurt yourself that much falling on to a sofa?). It wasn't as bad as it looked, but it will forever remain a memory of first blood, one I would happily have missed out on if I could trade a better experience for the one I witnessed.

LilQueenie · 08/02/2013 21:17

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe my partner is around 90% of the time. I take pics of her and have the video camera at the ready. We try to record as much of her firsts as we can. Hes not too fussed if he does miss one or two firsts. Eg: First spoon of solids I filmed so he didnt miss that when he was working. It works for us.

Floggingmolly · 08/02/2013 21:22

How did your mum manage to hide showing snow to your dd from you, lilQueenie? How paranoid you sound. Your dd didn't react as much as you expected; so your mum must have somehow stolen the moment?
When, ffs?

Myliferocks · 08/02/2013 21:22

I was the person with 4 of our DC when they took their first steps. DC5 decided to take his first steps whilst his dad and me were away for the weekend and the GPS were looking after him.

I still remember how special it felt when we came home and saw him taking tentative steps on his own. It was still the first time WE saw him take unaided steps. It didn't matter or feel any less special that he had been doing it for a couple of days for the GPs to see.

When our DC learnt to swim it was me who took them to their lessons. After a couple of years circumstances changed and their dad was able to take them occasionally. I'll never forget the look on his face the first time he saw them swim albeit in a very ragged fashion. It didn't matter that the DC had been swimming unaided for a while. It was still special to him as it was the first time HE had watched them do it.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 08/02/2013 21:29

I remember DD's first crawling - she could only go backwards at first and got herself stuck under a table - very funny And some of her first steps at her grandparents house with a little walker (and me there too)
But I don't remember so many of DS's (DC2's) firsts ... I have other special memories of him like when he was about 2 and looked up from his buggy at the clouds "Why are the clouds moving Mummy ?"
am I a bad mother ?

PuggyMum · 08/02/2013 21:46

Ooh I've never been properly quoted before. Feels like I've been finally initiated to MN.

I'm rubbish at name checking back when I'm on my phone!!

I really don't get all this preciousness. My dads best mate used to take me swimming. He took me the first time and taught me to swim. I was the youngest of four so maybe my mum and dad had seen it all before.

Whole other thread about how sad it is that that probably wouldn't happen nowadays. Single guy. No family, we adopted him. He went on to get married and have a family but taking me swimming of a Sunday morning and then staying for Sunday dinner was the highlight of his week.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 08/02/2013 21:54

Oh, that sounds like a lovely relationship Puggy - it's great when young people befriend a family. We have a great babysitter who's known the children since DS was a baby - so over ten years now !
When it snows she comes over for a snow-ball fight !
As well as being great at baby-sitting whenever we ask

PuggyMum · 08/02/2013 22:03

Absolutely juggling. It's a shame these days that some people would find it a bit weird. He was taller than my dad too so could throw me higher up! I'd never begrudge someone genuinely wanting to spend time with my children be it family or friends.

I remember I felt special that he wanted to take me swimming and also other places. I used to sit at the window waiting. I'd forgotten about that till now.

My DH has the odd round of golf with him now!

duffybeatmetoit · 08/02/2013 22:20

juggling no, DH wasn't invited along either. They were just trying to have the experience that they hadn't had with any of their 3 dcs by denying us the opportunity to have the experience with our only child.

Those early months with your pfb are so precious at the time and watching them discover things was one of the huge joys of parenthood - even if you don't remember them all in the future. I don't think it is about possession at all it's just the awareness that it is all so fleeting and can't always be recaptured. As a working parent I knew that there were going to be things that I would miss, and I didn't have a problem with other people sharing the firsts with us but family being thoughtless about your feelings is selfishness on their part.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 08/02/2013 22:40

Yeh, I would be annoyed by that zoo day duffy - but I guess it's better to have these folks in our lives than not And if it was early months I do tend to feel that child may have been quite young for the zoo anyway ?

BigAudioDynamite · 08/02/2013 22:57

I don't think seeing your child's 'firsts' equates to 'being there for them'. It's joyful to witness 's guest's. 'Being there for them' usually encompasses more difficult and unjoyous things

Whatever floats your boat though OP..I'm not understanding how you will be 'doing everything humanly possible' to do all these first though, if you ate working. You may need to forgo some firsts. Will you ask nursery that he doesn't partake in certain activities until you have done them together?

duffybeatmetoit · 08/02/2013 23:01

It was far from being a one off and DD was between 9mths and 3yrs while this was happening. She remembers none of it now. It upsets MIL no end that DD's memories are of doing the same things with us rather than them and as a result they don't seem to cherish their memories of having experienced these things with DD despite having made such a big deal out of it.

BigAudioDynamite · 08/02/2013 23:07

What a very odd dynamic

duffybeatmetoit · 08/02/2013 23:37

DD is the first grandchild. MIL also got upset when the other GPs were the first to buy her a bike (despite having been told in advance that this was going to happen as it was the other GPs favourite sport and they rarely got a look in). I wonder whether they will be the same when one of the other DCs has a child.

Big it is a very odd dynamic

LilQueenie · 08/02/2013 23:48

Floggingmolly No its in the back of my mind that she may have done so. Like all the little slip ups when I mention DD did such and such and I get "oh she already did that I thought I had told you." likewise all the presents that arrived on christmas form aunt and uncles for DD. Found out that for months DD has been visiting people who neither me or my DP know and we were never told about it. A few months back I was struggling to cope with lack of sleep. I allowed DD to stay overnight with my mum once a fortnight. As time went on I dreaded the whole thing. I put a stop to it this year and the improvments to both myself and DD are amazing.

Murtette · 08/02/2013 23:50

I agree with the village thing. My Mum wanted to buy DD's first shoes and, initially, I was resistant to the idea thinking it was my right to do that before I thought about it some more and realised that, given how poor we were when I was small, someone other than my parents would have paid for my shoes (probably my paternal grandmother or great aunt) and so this may be my Mum's only chance to do it. As it was, we went to the shop together, there was only one pair of shoes which fitted DD (odd shaped feet) so I bought those and then my Mum bought me a pair of shoes :-)
I also remember the excitement at nursery when DD did her first series of steps (so about 5 or 6 in a row) and how relieved I was that she'd finally got going. And I have wonderful memories of our trip to the park the following weekend and how many people stopped and smiled at and even clapped DD as she took a few steps, landed on her bottom, giggled & started again as they all shared in the cuteness of a baby learning to walk... something I did myself yesterday when there was a young child all bundled up in a pram suit staggering around.

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