to want to be there for all my children's firsts?

[Mytimewillcome]

I suppose I don't really understand the people who say that they don't mind if, say their mil, can take their children to the park for the first time. I'd rather do that if at all humanly possible. I see it as some of these people wanting to do firsts with our children have already done it with theirs so surely if we want to we should be able to and not have to worry about someone else trying to take that moment away from us? It annoys me that someone like me is labelled as being selfish. Surely its the other person who is selfish for wanting to take that moment away from me?

[TheFallenMadonna]

I think when your children are very little you tend to think that as they get older you will marvel at them less. And I think that intensity of experience does diminish, but you will still marvel at them, and share new experiences with them, and it will still mean just as much. Your iggle piggle post made me think of walking down into the Olympic stadium with DS (11) and Dd (8), and seeing the awe on their faces. Because that isn't a first as such, is it? It's a moment of wonder, and they will continue as they grow up.

But they have to have shared experiences with other people who love them, and who they love. My mum has been with my Dc for many firsts. And some onlies as well. And not because she feels the need to mend something missing in her experience with her own children, but because she and they have an important relationship in its own right.

[Jenny70]

Can't wait until they lose their virginity with you on the sidelines!

Seriously don't give a fig about firsts (except first steps, but honestly can't recall one child's from others now).

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

FallenMadonna - Their first Olympics ?! Sounds great !
We went too - to the women's football at Wembley, and was a similar experience walking out into the arena at the very top of Wembley, just as they were singing the anthems !

duffy a shame PIL's not feeling generous enough to ask you (and DH ?) along on zoo trip ? That sort of thing does seem a bit selfish to me (especially when Mum is working) However as you say you can go again when she's old enough to remember it !

[Permanentlyexhausted]

I was at work when DD took her first steps at nursery. And again when she showed Daddy, Grandma, Tom, Dick, and Harry down the road ... Do I care? No! It was still special when she first showed me (5 weeks later) because she had spent all that time practising so she could do it perfectly just for me!

I do have all the baby teeth and I know whose they are and which order they fell out in. Because every time one falls out I put it in a little dinner money envelope with the name and date on and that is what gets left under the pillow. A tiny drop of organisation in a ocean of chaos!

[wibblyjelly]

Ds is 4 months old, and although I'll admit it was lovely to see his first smile (I was very stressed, and I cried when he smiled at me, I just melted ), I don't mind missing other first's, as long as he actually does them with someone. DS will develop at his own pace, and I can't control (nor do I want to) who he does them with.

[PuggyMum]

My sil wouldn't let her parents take my dn on a train for the first time as she wanted to do it....

I said that's her choice but her gps won't be around forever and is never begrudge my mum these moments.

It takes a village to raise a child. We don't own them.

[PuggyMum]

*I'd

[Mytimewillcome]

Ragwort. They are individuals but they are not going to make their own decisions are they? That's why they need parents. Are you a MIL?

I as a mother am entitled to a certain degree. Sorry if that annoys people but I am certainly more entitled than anyone else other than my husband. I carried them for 9 months; breastfed them for 10 months and am now giving them everything I can possibly give them and that includes taking them out to shows etc. My MIL lives 4 hours away. I do not intend to let a 2 and a half year old and a 10 month old go and stay with them on their own as I would not see them for a week. Some people may be happy with that. I am not.

And yes my children do have a father and he has had firsts with the children and I am glad because it made him very happy.

[Chubfuddler]

If you don't want to miss any firsts at all you'd better get good at not blinking.

This really isn't important. At all.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

It sounds to me as if you're really having a bit of a pop at other parents who don't feel the same way as you do, that 'every first' is important to be witnessed by the parent before anybody else.

If you're happy with your work life balance then what exactly is the problem? Why are you so irked by what others do/don't rate as important? Have the courage of your own convictions, they won't - and shouldn't - matter to anybody else.

Maybe stop caring so much about what other people think and do and stop benchmarking your thoughts against what people perceive to be important. Life is really far too short for that and it's pretty sad and pointless to have your attention on other people as the focus all the time.

[Floggingmolly]

How did we get from your MIL wanting to take your kids to the park to wanting them to stay with her for a week?
I wouldn't be particularly happy about that either, but not because she might get to experience one of these "firsts" that I didn't.
Has she even mentioned the potential holiday? Or did your reaction when she mentioned the park frighten her off? You're dramatising ever so slightly now.
(The fucking park!)

[Mytimewillcome]

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I think the problem here is that I am supposed to care too much about my children's firsts and not about other people. Anyway I really will come off now. My own fault for having another peek.

[seeker]

Told you it was a MiL thread!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Who says you're 'supposed to', OP? I don't understand your angst. Do what you want, don't use other people as a guide to what you think you should be doing. Enjoy your children and what you do with them, they're children for so short a time.

I'm obviously missing the point somewhere but I really don't see what the issue is?

[OddBoots]

Is it important to you that both parents are there for every first? Or just that one of them? Or just that it is you?

My eldest is now a teen, there are firsts that I really don't want to be there for.

[Mytimewillcome]

There actually is no issue except that some people have got my back up and I feel I need to have a right to reply.

Seeker I misunderstood you when you said it was a clandestine mil thread. I thought you meant that it was written by a mil.

AND SHE HAS NEVER ASKED TO TAKE THEM TO THE PARK. I USED THAT AS AN EXAMPLE FROM ANOTHER THREAD!

[marriedinwhite]

I'll put this in perspective. When dd was 9 she completely smashed her leg in the first week of the summer holidays. She was in traction for two weeks, a wheelchair for eight weeks and then on crutches for several weeks. Just after autumn half term (having spent a whole quality week with her) I had to go away for a long weekend on business. When I got home - she opened the door to me - no crutches, no zimmer frame - just her own two legs. She did it when I wasn't there and I was so relieved and happy to see her able to do it again. This has just made me cry. She's 14 now btw.

[feelingdizzy]

I don't see my childrens lives in terms of firsts they are now 9 and 11.And like most parents I think they are feckin fabulous.

As many have said as your kids get older the first tooth,step,word fade away and there are memories off your fun times together.

I have always worked been a lone parent for 9 years, so probably missed many firsts.My kids and I have been blessed with a fantastic childminder,my wonderful parents who have always been there for them.I am so glad they have all these people who love them and appreciate them,they are my pride and joy and still to this day I sometimes will well up with tears just looking at them, but they do not belong to me ,I want them to share their lives with all off the people who love them.They know I am always there if they need me.

[LilQueenie]

OP I understand completely. Take the other day my 19m old out in snow for first time. I know my mum has tried to hide many firsts from me. DD didnt seem too fussed by it. That got me wondering. Has she seen it before? The first time a child does something is often met with a sense of wonder and smiles from them. Afterwards not so much or at all as its been done. I want the first times. The grandparents had their own kids its our turn now. I wonder what the grandparents would say if asked about how they felt missing their own kids firsts? What if the worst happened and you lost a child? Would you still think nothing of missing those first moments? Some kids never walk or talk. Those parents would give anything for that to change. Some parents dont know how lucky they are. I can still remember DD;s first steps. Im glad I was the one who saw them too. And for those who are asking how long seeing the first thing last for? Well until school age when you have to let go a bit but what you do with them the rest of the time depends on how much you want to actually spend time with your child I guess.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

That must have been great to see marriedinwhite
< passes tissue >

Yes, some perspective is definitely needed here, thanks for supplying some

I agree with PuggyMum too that "it takes a village to raise a child"

Personally I love a bit of delegation, and am really happy for all the people, from grandparents to band leaders and karate instructors, who are involved in my children's lives.

It's great to cherish your children and the special moments you have together, just not so good if you can't share them with anyone else.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

LilQueenie... then you'd better closet yourself away with your child and never let any other significant person have access to them. That way, you can be assured of all the 'firsts'. YOU want to see them all. What if your partner feels the same and you're not there at the exact same time? How will you manage that?

I wouldn't do it, I couldn't. It doesn't make sense to me but then what I would do probably doesn't make sense to other people either.

Make your choice but don't let it impact badly on your DCs and their emerging relationships with other people who want to love them. That's the benchmark I would use and the only one really.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Another one agreeing with PuggyMum... it does indeed take a village and I think children are worse off when they don't have that influence in their lives.

[AmandaPayne]

"I am certainly more entitled than anyone else other than my husband."

Er, no, the person who is most entitled to experience the world is your child. Because they are a person.

Yes, it is lovely to be there for your child's first steps, or the first time they play in the snow. I enjoyed watching DD2 play in the snow for the first time this winter (though she only liked it for about 15 seconds). I'm not denying that watching your child do something for the first time can be fun. But claiming that you have some sort of right to make sure that all the firsts happen around you is to deny your child their own experience of the world. And that's not about what's best for your child.

You are still talking in the language of possession.

I also still think it is odd that you are so focused on the 'first' everything. I don't remember the first time I went swimming. But some of my most precious childhood memories are of going swimming as a family, because it was something we did regularly together. Amazing one off experiences (the Olympics!) and things you do as a family are what make a set of childhood memories.

Not quite sure how we got to staying with the MIL for a week either. I'm with Seeker .

[marriedinwhite]

I agree - even before reading AmandaPayne's I was about to say the person entitled to the experience is the child - as and when they are ready to have it.