to want to be there for all my children's firsts?

[Mytimewillcome]

I suppose I don't really understand the people who say that they don't mind if, say their mil, can take their children to the park for the first time. I'd rather do that if at all humanly possible. I see it as some of these people wanting to do firsts with our children have already done it with theirs so surely if we want to we should be able to and not have to worry about someone else trying to take that moment away from us? It annoys me that someone like me is labelled as being selfish. Surely its the other person who is selfish for wanting to take that moment away from me?

[Francagoestohollywood]

Horses for courses.
I spend lots of time with my dc, but I have never harboured any kind of romanticism towards their firsts.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

I like to see thrie fifths and sixes, you know, when they're a bit better at whatever it is - eating purée, listening to the beatles, whatever.

[AmandaPayne]

I saw an interesting news article on bonkers names a while back (a spin off from the girl called Blaer in Iceland who had been seeking recognition of her name as a girls' name). What the commentator was saying is that, in countries like the UK and US we are aghast at the idea that someone could have a say in what we call our child. The attitude is "this is my child. Naming is my right. I can do what I like. If I want to call my child MoonUnit Dweezil, I can" This was contrasted with other countries, like Germany and Iceland, where naming was seen as something which the state had a right in in the best interests of the child.

I can see parallels in this situation here. In the sense of balancing rights over our children and responsibilities towards them (not that I'm suggesting the state gets involved in park trips. The analogy doesn't stretch that far!!).

The OP is is saying. This is my child. I want to be there for everything. That is fine, if the person being impacted is just her. If she is negotiating days off every time nursery goes on a trip, etc.

But if it becomes about the needs and wants of a parent. If it means a child's relationship with grandparents being impacted because they never get to do anything fun and new together. If the child is missing out on birthday parties because the parents want to be the first ones to take them to X, well then it's about being selfish. It's about seeing a child as our right.

OP, it is interesting that you have talked about these things from the perspective of things being taken from you. Now, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that your baby is still young and hasn't really developed an identity separate from you in your mind yet. But pretty quickly, children because people in their own right. And it should become about what is best for them, not what we want as parents. If DD1 had the opportunity to go to the zoo with my parents (actually, she's been before, but let's assume she hadn't), then at nearly four, I would be thinking "how lovely for her. How lovely for her to do something so exciting with my parents", not "you are taking something from me". It's not mine to give, or theirs to take. It's DD1's opportunity. Doing new and exciting things together is a lovely way for them to build shared memories and enjoy their own relationship independent from me.

Finally, yes, I have heard people regret missing so much of a child's childhood, often because they were working such long hours. But I've never heard someone, with the benefit of years of perspective, complain that they missed x, y, and z minor firsts. Missing things like first steps are sometimes referenced, but generally as being symbolic of something wider. More often people talk about missing time, missing getting to know their child, shared memories. Those don't have to be firsts. It's not a list of achievements.

[Mytimewillcome]

My goodness where are all those annoyed DILs when you need them!

[NopeStillNothing]

"Ultimately I haven't heard anything that will change my mind"

"Finally someone who understands"?

Why did you even post this to aibu?

Oh well I'm just glad that I can be amazed every day by EVERY experience that my ds has regardless of weather it's the first. And my parents and pil are very happy with the fact that occasionally I am kind enough to let them have a moment with him

[JenaiMorris]

God I can't remember ds's first steps, or his first word. Or even how old he was when they happened!

The only first I remember clearly was the first time he absolutely lost it laughing.

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Its all a bit of nonsense really this obsession with 'firsts'. What if your child first walked/talked and no one saw her or heard her. Then you would have missed her first word or step but not known! And the word or step that you thought had been her first wouldn't have been. And you would be living a big lie for the rest of your life

[marcopront]

Do you want to be there
the first time they drink alcohol?
the first time they get drunk?
the first time they kiss?
the first time they have sex?

For your DC they will be significant firsts.

[Mytimewillcome]

marcopront. I did say this was while they were young and before they started school.

[Sirzy]

So why are things deemed more important when they are pre school age? Thinking logically the special times they remember are much more likely to be those when they are school age.

[Mytimewillcome]

I have to admit I'm not quite sure why I posted. A whim I guess as I'm home and they're ill.

I think I'll bow out now. I wouldn't want to miss anything now would I?!

[Floggingmolly]

The special times they remember are much more likely to feature on Marcos list

[AmandaPayne]

Oh, so (unless it is twins) you have an older child not just a baby? I guess my benefit of the doubt doesn't apply then.

[Floggingmolly]

Aw, op. First illness?

[TheSurgeonsMate]

I think there is perhaps a slightly skewed perspective on forums like this, because it can appear that people tend to remember these things clearly. If someone asks "When did your DC do x?" I don't post if I can't remember. And if I do post, I don't necessarily mention that I had to look in my diary to check the date. (For example I often do post on bf threads about how old your children were when you left them for an evening, a night.)

[NopeStillNothing]

Haha good one OP

[VerlaineChasedRimbauds]

But you do sound jealous or perhaps a little possesive, that's the problem I think most people are having. In the OP you suggest that it's selfish for someone to take away a "first" from YOU. But as most people have tried to point out, the experiences with your child can still be YOUR first, even if they are not the child's. It does make you sound as though motherhood is all about your experiences rather than the child's.

Is the problem more to do with the relationship with your MIL? Or are you concerned that your child will have a closer relationship with someone else because they do something "first" with them? I don't think they will, if that's any consolation .

[atthewelles]

I would hate to be your MIL OP. She must be terrified to do anything with her grandchild in case she treads on your toes. Seriously, the park?????

[VerlaineChasedRimbauds]

Crossposted. Hope they're better soon :)

[duffybeatmetoit]

I know where the OP is coming from. We all knew I wasn't able to have more children after DD and that I would be working FT from early on. MIL (3 DCs) insisted on being the first to take DD to the zoo and other experiences and that it was to be her and FIL only on these trips. Her reasoning was that her own children had been a nightmare and ruined the experience for them so as my DD wasn't a nightmare she felt entitled to get a second bite of the cherry. As I had very little free time to spend with DD it was hard to miss seeing her reaction to seeing all these new things. (DH not bothered and would never disagree with MIL).

However a wise friend pointed out that DD wouldn't remember that MIL & FIL were there for any of her first experiences and it was better to share the experience when she was old enough to remember them. My frustration at the time has definitely been offset by seeing MIL's subsequent anger that DD failure to remember any of the firsts they insisted on.

[atthewelles]

The first time my DB and DSIL took their son to the zoo he spent the whole time admiring the stones and the puddles and the grass. DB said they might as well have just pushed the buggy around the back garden.

[Mumsyblouse]

Am I weird? I just don't care about firsts at all. I love thinking about my dd's smiles when they were little, but I can't remember the first word. I certainly don't remember the first trip to the park, we went daily, and I don't remember their first sight of the sea, living quite near to it. No real idea when their first steps were either, or rolling or any of these things. I love remembering them as babies but I don't think I closely questioned everyone when I got home to see if this really was the first time they did anything.

The only thing I do remember, and made me cry at the time, was first day of school.

I find this very strange.

[TheSurgeonsMate]

duffy you're MIL's attitude and piss-poor "reasoning" would change my position on this entirely!

[AmandaPayne]

Yes, Duffy. That is different. I would feel rather differently in that scenario too.

[Ragwort]

I think Amanda makes some very good points, I see this view endlessly on Mumsnet that children are almost the 'property' of the mother and not individals in their own right.

Mytimewillcome do your children have a father, what about his 'needs' to be there for all the firsts?