Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to be there for all my children's firsts?

167 replies

Mytimewillcome · 08/02/2013 08:45

I suppose I don't really understand the people who say that they don't mind if, say their mil, can take their children to the park for the first time. I'd rather do that if at all humanly possible. I see it as some of these people wanting to do firsts with our children have already done it with theirs so surely if we want to we should be able to and not have to worry about someone else trying to take that moment away from us? It annoys me that someone like me is labelled as being selfish. Surely its the other person who is selfish for wanting to take that moment away from me?

OP posts:
TheFallenNinja · 08/02/2013 10:57

You're setting yourself a near impossible challenge here. Pound to a pinch you'll miss something.

hopenglory · 08/02/2013 10:58

My DS saved his first smile for the dog.

Neither child waited for me to be around to do anything. They'd wait until I popped out to the bin, or was having a shower. That sort of thing

Casserole · 08/02/2013 11:15

The nursery staff see firsts every day, OP. If you believe they don't, you are wrong. Sorry. It's just bare faced maths and probability.

Every day I give thanks for the people who also love and/or care for my children. If they see a first every so often then GREAT. What matters most to me is that these firsts are happening, that my kids are happy, healthy and making progress. And when a few years pass you realise how little you remember of these things anyway. You still have precious moments, even if someone else sees them first.

I never understand people who have hissy fits cos their MIL wants to take their little precious to the park / buy them their first bike / whatever. I am just so fucking grateful for the people in my life that want to also love my kids and enrich their lives.

So. YABU. HTH :)

Francagoestohollywood · 08/02/2013 11:30

The park? Gosh taking a small child to the park is one of the most boring things EVER. Let mil take baby to the park!

My first child gave his first smile to Mil's cleaner. Who cares? I had the other 372.289.970.000 etc.

Lepreporn · 08/02/2013 11:38

I was a bit like this with my first dd. didn't want to miss anything .
She's 4 now and I struggle to remember the firsts. It's the little loveable moments between the two of you that will end up being precious memories. IMHO.
I have an 8 month old dd now too and am much more relaxed re being there for every first.

LabelsGalore · 08/02/2013 12:18

I am finding this OP very sad tbh.
Each time, and especially for children we seem to have forgotten that is something new, each time will be a first time. Because whatever has happened before, it will be different this time again. You will be able to notice and marvel at something different and your dd will enjoy herself for different reasons.

So let's take the panto example, your dd saw her fav character at the panto for the first time. Great! but what about the next she goes? She will probably be able to understand more. She might not to be frighten by one of the character. She will start commenting at length on what is happening and is it right or do they do it wrong etc...

So how do you know the 'best' time, the one you shouldn't miss is the first time? What is telling you that that specific first time, she won't be frightened, indifferent, bored? But she would thoroughly enjoy her second and third time?

Because of that there is nothing to 'steal' because every time she does something there will be something amazing happening. She will be doing something in a slightly different way, in a new way. It will be first.

So, you won't be missing anything if you remember that each and every single time she does something with you, it will be first. Remember and marvel and what she does.

And then, there is the issue that these special 'first time' aren't yours. They are your dd. Yes I am sure you are happy, proud of her. You are delighted to see her doing that, see her eyes sparkling etc... but these are her experiences, not yours. She isn't there to make you proud or happy or delighted. She is here to make the most of her life and learn to be happy.
And as parents, we here to facilitate that. Just that.

LabelsGalore · 08/02/2013 12:19

I am just so fucking grateful for the people in my life that want to also love my kids and enrich their lives.

And that too.

ubik · 08/02/2013 12:21

Some firsts can be a bit dull TBH

Floggingmolly · 08/02/2013 12:27

Wise words, LabelsGalore

givemeaclue · 08/02/2013 12:27

Have you not taken your child to the park?

Original poster
Mytimewillcome · 08/02/2013 12:37

This is not a clandestine MIL thread! I've put up threads about my MIL in the past.

I am amazed that so many people are not bothered about being their for their children's firsts. I have read enough threads by DILs on here to know that they do.

I've heard grandparents saying that they were too busy for their children and missed alot. I've seen some with real regrets. I don't want to have those regrets.

Ulitmately I haven't heard anything that is going to change my mind. Each to their own.

And to the person who said this a sad thread. I don't think there is anything sad about wanting to be there for their firsts. That shows that they are progressing. And I know that they are my child's experiences but I don't think its a bad thing to want to share them.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 08/02/2013 12:48

Their firsts show that they're progressing?? It's true, certainly, but that's not your gripe, is it? Your child's progress would be obvious no matter who was on hand to witness the first time they did something; your post screams jealousy towards anyone else less "entitled" than yourself being that person.
You sound a little like that ancient tribe who don't allow their photo to be taken, as they believe it steals their souls.
Nobody can steal anything about your child from you, simply by being there when you aren't.

Sirzy · 08/02/2013 12:56

It's not a bad thing to want to share them but it's very unrealistic to expect you will see every little thing, and a first trip to the park is a very little thing.

How will you cope when he goes to school and you don't see him learning something new? Or when he goes on a school trip somewhere you have never taken him?

As a parent you can experience lots with your child, don't get caught up in the little things just enjoy what you do together.

eggsy11 · 08/02/2013 13:13

Mum on maternity leave from NCT group missed out on all the trips because her DH and her wanted to do it all together. Was totally ridiculous.

rainrainandmorerain · 08/02/2013 13:28

I find it extraordinary that a parent wanting to enjoy significant time with their child (whether it is significant for them or the child) can be called ENTITLED.

Dear god. I'm a feminist, a working mum, and yes, it was a big moment for me when my baby took his first steps. And sprouted his first tooth. So shoot me. And no, I don't expect to be there for every moment, and wouldn't be able to.

But if i didn't want to spend time with my kids, I wouldn't have had them.

I also understand the necessity for childcare that is not done by a parent - this is not the same as it not mattering who tf looks after them.

seeker · 08/02/2013 13:28

How do you define "firsts", OP?

Greythorne · 08/02/2013 13:35

I think you are being over the top and PFB, OP.

You don't own your child. You don't own the right to get all the highs of their life. If grandparents are involved, why should they not enjoy time with their GC and experience things with them?

There are some things which are real firsts, like first day at school. But first steps, first words, first trip to the park (WTF?) can be replicated with mum, dad, grandparents, whoever and the pleasure is the same.

Unless you work away for 6 months of the first year and leave your child as a baby, mute and immobile and only return months later when they are walking and talking, whether you see them take their first, second, third, fourth or 50th step won't make a difference.

And for what it's worth, I was a SAHM who chose not to take my PFB DD1 to her first day at nursery school because I thought it would be better for her and easier to be dropped off by her Daddy. That's because it is not all about me.

Original poster
Mytimewillcome · 08/02/2013 13:38

Thank you rainrainandmorerain. Finally someone who understands.

I think I did say below the title that I would do everything humanly possible to try and be there for them but if I am at work I obviously can't. But I would want to.

I mean all the big things but I also mean building their first sand castle.

And I have said that I mean when they are young. When they are at school its not going to be possible so I think I may as well make the most of it now.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 08/02/2013 13:39

I was there for my daughters' first breaths and feeds. I have been a main constant in their life ever since then. They mean the world to me...

...and frankly, their firsts, shmirsts, hey, whatever.

AmberSocks · 08/02/2013 13:43

ive been there for my 4 kids firsts,its not hard if you look after them yourself all the time.

attheendoftheday · 08/02/2013 13:44

I can understand wanting to be there for every first, but practicality comes into it, and also the knowledge that I don't own my children and nor am I the only person who loves and cares for them.

I need to work to support my family. I am very grateful to dmil for having dd twice a week to allow this. I know that dmil, while very different to me, loves dd very much and is the best person other than me and dp to look after her.

I've been sad when dmil has done things first with dd that I wanted to do, but she isn't unreasonable to take dd out to do activities with her, and she wants to enjoy her time with dd as much as I do. Giving up a few firsts is a small price to pay for everything she does for us.

Fakebook · 08/02/2013 13:46

I must have missed tonnes of Dd's "firsts". She was in nursery from 5 months 50 hours a week. They were still "firsts" when she did them at home though and they got recorded in her little red book. I think you're being a bit over the top. Taking a child to the park isn't anything super cool. Just enjoy your baby and let others enjoy them too.

Thisisaeuphemism · 08/02/2013 13:47

Don't get it at all.

Still, each to their own.

neriberi · 08/02/2013 13:47

I work full-time and by some twist of fate I've seen most my DS firsts.

The only time I was super gutted about missing something was when he took more than 3 steps and that was because he did it when my MIL was looking after him BUT she managed to get it on film and emailed it to me at work and for that I am eternally grateful.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 08/02/2013 13:48

Just to say I'm so with you A ThingInMylife ....

Fuck the first time ... & Give me the best time anyday !

First cuddle or best cuddle ?

First trip to the park or Best trip to the park Grin

Actually there have been so many of both it would be hard to choose.

I am blessed Thanks

Swipe left for the next trending thread