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AIBU?

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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not get people putting messages on FB to relatives that have been dead for years?

235 replies

Wampingwillow · 30/01/2013 13:12

I just don't get why anyone would want to wish their mother/ father/brother etc a happy birthday on Facebook when they've been dead for 10 years! Obviously they are dead and I would expect that the family and close friends would know that it would have been their birthday so why the need to let everyone else know? Is it just so they can get loads of 'sending you hugz Hun' messages and while we are at it why to people like the status? Do they really like the fact that your relative is dead?

OP posts:
photographerlady · 30/01/2013 13:13

People enjoy getting attention from RIPing on the internet.

CunfuddledAlways · 30/01/2013 13:16

maybe they feel they need to show they are still thinking about whoever but don't know where else to express it? maybe they like the thought of people thinking of them as people tend to greive (sp?) for loved ones for years especially on soecail occasions/birthdays etc

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 30/01/2013 13:16

Maybe it gives them a way to remind people and find a bit of support and comfort? Does it really matter how people choose to grieve, ignore it and move on.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 30/01/2013 13:19

Surely anything that makes the grieving feel a tiny bit better is completely understandable and NotToBeJudged?

Let them be, please.

Waitingforastartofall · 30/01/2013 13:19

Why do you care? I will post something along the lines of thinking of mum in october when it would of been her birthday. As will i in november on the first anniversary of her death. Not for everyone to fuss over me but as a way to acknowledge that im thinking of her and miss her. Id also delete any idiot who asked me why i was doing it or if it was to get attention. People grieve very differently live and let live.

RingoBaa · 30/01/2013 13:19

A guy I used to work with died but his family never had his Facebook page deleted so on his birthday loads of people wrote things like 'Happy Birthday mate, hope you are having a great time in heaven xx'.

But I think people are just sharing how they feel. People might feel a bit down on the birthday of someone they loved who died so why not get some 'hugz' from their friends?

Waitingforastartofall · 30/01/2013 13:20

chaos spot on

thegreylady · 30/01/2013 13:24

Some acquaintances of mine have kept their family member's fb page open though she died 3 years ago. It was the family member who was my friend and I find it quite distressing to get status updates from my dead [much missed] friend.

Sunnywithshowers · 30/01/2013 13:24

YABU

Again, why do you care? A friend committed suicide, he lived (and died) in the US. I like to look at his page and remember his life, and acknowledge his birthday. His family are happy that people remember him.

Goldenhandshake · 30/01/2013 13:24

Because, OP, despite your disapproval, people tend to cling on to any link with a loved one who has passed, including their facebook page.
I know a lady who left her DP's FB open, and she tags him to pics of their two small children still. It is her link to him and I'd never begrudge her that, the pain she's feeling must be immense.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 30/01/2013 13:26

How nasty!!

My mum has passed away and come October I will make a reference to her on her birthday....I will make reference to her on mothers day - it gives my dad and my siblings comfort to know she is being thought of.

If it gives someone a shred of comfort then what does it matter??

FeltOverlooked · 30/01/2013 13:29

Surely it is no different to the In Memoriam type messages in the newspapers?

Poledra · 30/01/2013 13:30

People have done this for years, but it used to be in the 'In Memoriam' section of the local newspapers. It's not something I'd do, but if it gives them comfort...

mumof2teenboys · 30/01/2013 13:30

I think it is actually very difficult to shut someone elses' FB down.

My son died in July and we and his friends post on his FB loads, we posted on his birthday, christmas, new year etc. My younger son just posts random stuff exactly as he did when James was alive. All James' friends do the same.

YABU
it has nothong whatsoever to do with you, if you don't like it, don't look at it.

DontSweatTheSmallStuff · 30/01/2013 13:33

YABU

It's not just about sending a message to the dead person though, or getting attention. It's a way of keeping in contact with other people who knew them/knowing that others are still thinking about them and having a bit of support.

I have no contact with my brothers friends but it's nice to know they are still thinking about him.

mumblechum1 · 30/01/2013 13:33

Sad I am so sorry Mumof2teenboys.

LetsKateWin · 30/01/2013 13:34

I've got friends who do this. I really feel for them. How heartless of you to question their motives. I can't imagine the pain they have to live through on significant dates.

Are you a troll?

Waitingforastartofall · 30/01/2013 13:35

Threads like this make me wonder if im being judged when i post about my mum as i have done every few days since her death. It beggars belief really that someone would begrudge me that 5 minutes of expressing how i feel since i lost her. I honestly couldnt give a flying if people dont like it then theres a delete button for a reason. When they have watched their parent die horribly so young then they can judge what i do.

GilmoursPillow · 30/01/2013 13:38

My beloved grandmother died 18 months ago. Despite being in her late 80's she was still a Facebook user. I write on her wall on the anniversary of her death and on her birthday. It brings a little comfort to me and it's a collective for my Mum 7 hours flight west, and my cousin 14 hours flight east to share memories on important dates. I don't actually give a fuck whether anyone else likes it or not (although I don't wish her a happy birthday on my own wall, just hers.)

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter · 30/01/2013 13:38

mumof2 I'm so sorry about your son.

OP - what everyone else has said. People grieve in their own way and at their own pace, it's really not up to anyone else to decide what is and isn't appropriate.

StuntGirl · 30/01/2013 13:40

It's pretty easy to close a deceased person's facebook page down actually. Many people choose not to because like others have said, its a link to that person even if they're not here anymore.

It doesn't affect you so why do you care?

SouthernComforts · 30/01/2013 13:41

YABU. A young girl from my town died 2 years ago today and my Facebook is full of messages about her. People are still grieving and want to show they are thinking of her today.

Original poster
Wampingwillow · 30/01/2013 13:44

Obviously I've unintentionally upset a few of you and for that I'm sorry. I said I didn't get why people posted birthday messages and I still don't, I've lost people close to me but to me grief is a private matter and I don't and never will see the need to share my feelings with the FB throng.

OP posts:
CheeseStrawWars · 30/01/2013 13:44

It's to show their relative is "gone but not forgotten". Hth.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 30/01/2013 13:48

Waiting - I used to worry too much I don't care anymore - if people don't like it they can hide me.

My mum died in 2010 so not as raw for me and I don't mention her on there as much but in the early days it was a good release for me.

Who was it who said people enjoy getting attention and rip messages?? WTF??? I would actually enjoy having my mum here even more.

I wrote a beautiful poem when my mum died.......helped keep the insomnia at bay.

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