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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not get people putting messages on FB to relatives that have been dead for years?

235 replies

Wampingwillow · 30/01/2013 13:12

I just don't get why anyone would want to wish their mother/ father/brother etc a happy birthday on Facebook when they've been dead for 10 years! Obviously they are dead and I would expect that the family and close friends would know that it would have been their birthday so why the need to let everyone else know? Is it just so they can get loads of 'sending you hugz Hun' messages and while we are at it why to people like the status? Do they really like the fact that your relative is dead?

OP posts:
badguider · 30/01/2013 14:31

btw. If I was to post about my friend who died "missing x today on her birthday" nobody would say "aww hugs hun" and neither would i want them to... what they would say was 'x made the world a better place' or 'x was a special person we were lucky to know' - something nice and affirming.

JustAHolyFool · 30/01/2013 14:31

Wow HugeLaurie how unthinking of them. Sorry that happened.

MolehillAlchemy · 30/01/2013 16:09

It's just a way of speaking to the universe isn't it? It's pretty common in all cultures to leave messages for the dead. Whether it's an annual parade, a rock on a hillside or now, a note on Facebook.

And even if people do it just for people to say, "Aw hugz babe, thinking of u" well so what!

Dear Universe. I am grieving. Please acknowledge my grief. I don't see anything wrong with that.

Pandemoniaa · 30/01/2013 16:15

One of my dearest friends died suddenly two years ago. It really was a totally shocking, completely out of the blue, tragedy made all the worse by her age and the fact that she left young adult dcs behind who were, in every way, unprepared to lose their mother.

Her Facebook page is still active. Her dcs have got enormous comfort from it. It is not a vicarious desire to share their feelings with what you insultingly describe as the FB throng because the page is limited to family and close friends. But call it ridiculous if you like but I feel just that bit closer to my lovely friend when I leave her messages on significant days. I know she is dead. But she'll never be forgotten.

It's hugely insensitive to dictate how other people find ways through the grieving process.

StuntGirl · 30/01/2013 16:24

You sound very insensitive OP. Do you often dictate to others how they should feel? Surely by going through the grieving process yourself you have discovered not everyone grieves the same?

I know someone who deals with a death by talking about it all the ruddy time. Every time I see her she talks about it, and the person, and personally I find that quite suffocating and unnatural. If she (the deceased) were still here she wouldn't be the focus of every conversation, and I struggle to have it 'in my face' every time I see my friend. However, it is clearly her way of dealing with it so I let her get on with it.

BabyRoger · 30/01/2013 16:26

OP - do you mind people saying happy birthday on FB to their alive relatives and friends?

My mum died and I say happy birthday, happy mothers day etc. I think you are really insensitive. Why shouldn't I?

I most certainly do not do it because I "like RIPing on the internet" or I am looking for comments about it. Really, do people think that if someone is posting about a close relative like a parent or child who has died is only doing it for a bit of attention?

I am just putting it out there - I want to say happy birthday to her in person but I can't, it's just a channel to say it.

YABVU.

elliejjtiny · 30/01/2013 16:33

YABU
My cousin died 4 years ago. His facebook page is still open and my auntie always posts on it on significant dates. I always like the post or comment because that's what I'd like people to do if it was one of my children.

LadyWidmerpool · 30/01/2013 16:35

I wish my stupid bereaved friends would STFU about their grief. Attention seekers.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/01/2013 16:37

Anything that anybody does in public is judged. Should anybody care about that? No. Does it affect the way they behave? No. People do what they want to do.

I agree with the OP; I don't post anything on Facebook. This isn't facebook, it's AIBU and there are always questions asked that will offend somebody. The thread title is clear, why read it if it will upset you?

Do what you want to do but accept that not everybody will feel the same way as you do about it anymore than you feel the same way as them.

Spice17 · 30/01/2013 16:45

My cousins 13 year old daughter put the other day 'RIP Mum, can't believe it's been 2 years, love you' Is it that sot of comment you don't like OP? Because I think people should do whatever the fuck they want with their Facebook account and if it bothers you that much, just unfriend them.

nailak · 30/01/2013 16:51

who decided "grief is a private matter" and made that the law? ffs

now there is a right and a wrong way to grieve?

I suppose you dont see the point of funerals or memorial services or gravestones for that matter as "grief is a private matter"

and yes this does seem part of a bigger issue that people just seem to hate whatever other people post on fb, pics of food hate it, politics hate it, memories, hate it,

if you are so intolerant it is your issue.

IcanandIwill · 30/01/2013 16:54

Just because they've been dead 10 years does not mean you miss them any less. I've grieved the loss of someone very close, very publically on FB. It's therapeutic to get those feelings out there. Grief is very personal and each to their own I say.

expatinscotland · 30/01/2013 16:59

Yes, let's just hide away grief over the natural life event that is death, that'll make it go away and stuff. Hmm

Our attitude towards death and bereavement in this culture is ridiculous, as OPs like this demonstrate.

Why do they do it? Why do you care? Hide them and move on, or better yet, block people who do this before they find out they've got someone this insensitive as a 'friend'.

SonOfAradia · 30/01/2013 16:59

People always want to remember their Beloved Dead. It's been going on since our species was very young.

Go to any country in Central or Eastern Europe and the cemetries at night are beautifully lit up because relatives have left long-burning candles in coloured glass jars. This happens to some extent every night of the year, but on Saint's days and festivals, the graveyards become a blaze of colour.

In Britain we don't really go in for that so much. I wasn't even allowed to put such a coloured light on the place in a church graveyard where my dad's ashes are scattered. In these modern times, the Facebook page of a deceased relative or friend provides an outlet for grief, a place where memories can be shared by those who loved them. It's really simple to understand.

threesocksmorgan · 30/01/2013 17:00

terrible isn't it op.
how dare I mention my mum who died when I was 18 on fb.

SonOfAradia · 30/01/2013 17:02

I meant to add also that in European cemetries, the gravestones often have a small picture of the person buried there, as a reminder. Not so different to a facebook profile photo in concept.

expatinscotland · 30/01/2013 17:06

To think, we have entire days set aside to remember dead soldiers from decades ago, not to mention all those memorials in nearly every town with dead peoples' names on them. Even the Queen goes on telly and participates in remembering all these dead people in front of the entire nation! Gah, haven't we all just 'moved on'? Must be doing it for attention.

Who'd have thunk it?

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 30/01/2013 17:08

Yes YABU to not 'get' why people are different to you.

You are also BU to start a thread guaranteed to upset other people when you clearly have NO intention of even trying to understand that POV.

What on earth was your motivation to start this hurtful thread?

oldraver · 30/01/2013 17:08

I really dont see it as any different to an In Memoriam in the local paper, that seems to be an acceptable way of remembering a deceased loved one and no-one questions it....FB is just the modern way of doing things

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 30/01/2013 17:09

Oh and for what it's worth... I don't 'do' facebook, so no personal axe to grind.

madlymoo · 30/01/2013 17:15

My Dad's facebook page is still open, he passed away last September. My sister and I quite regularly put a little message on for him. Its not meant for other people to read really and if they do read it, who are they to judge? It helps us in the grieving process. So personally speaking, if it makes people feel a little better, why not. I wouldn't belittle anyone wishing to remember their passed on loved ones in a way which suits them.

Sleepthief · 30/01/2013 17:17

YABU. On the first birthday after he'd died I sent my dad an email wishing him a happy birthday (his work hadn't deleted his account). Made me feel better. Also every year on his birthday and the anniversary of his death either I or one of my brothers and sisters post a FB status tagging each other showing that we're still thinking of him. We're spread around the world and don't get a chance to talk much. Loads of friends and relatives 'like' it to show they're thinking of us and remembering him. I guess either you have never lost anyone you love or that you find it difficult to empathise with others...

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 30/01/2013 17:23

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usualsuspect · 30/01/2013 17:26

It's a way of dealing with grief, If it helps someone a tiny bit how can that be a bad thing?

What a fucking horrible OP.

xxxxmrsxxxx · 30/01/2013 17:26

My daughter isn't dead but she was seriously brain injured in a car accident 4 months ago. Her friends, her family and I all write on her Facebook even though she will probably never recover enough to read it. I often read her some of the things that people have written to her.

If you don't like it, unfriend the person. It's not your Facebook they are writing it on.