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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not get people putting messages on FB to relatives that have been dead for years?

235 replies

Wampingwillow · 30/01/2013 13:12

I just don't get why anyone would want to wish their mother/ father/brother etc a happy birthday on Facebook when they've been dead for 10 years! Obviously they are dead and I would expect that the family and close friends would know that it would have been their birthday so why the need to let everyone else know? Is it just so they can get loads of 'sending you hugz Hun' messages and while we are at it why to people like the status? Do they really like the fact that your relative is dead?

OP posts:
SonOfAradia · 30/01/2013 17:29

One other thought struck me: cremation and the subsequent scattering of ashes is so popular these days that people often have no focal point for their grieving, eg a grave they can visit. I know when my dad died I was actually quite upset at that thought when my mum said it'd been his wish to be cremated. Perhaps Facebook can provide an alternative to the old ways.

SonOfAradia · 30/01/2013 17:30

Sorry to read about your daughter, xxxxmrsxxxx

Heavywheezing · 30/01/2013 17:36

I'm off to France next week.

My great grandfather died in the First World War. I only found this out in November. The first thing I'm going to do is say sorry.
Sorry I haven't visited earlier and sorry I didn't know about him.

I loved his son, my grandfather very much.

I don't know what else to do. I speak to my Grampy regularly. Not on Facebook, that's not my thing but I don't mind reading messages about people who have died.i'd be touched that somebody still loved me enough to think about me.

Who else or where else do they go?

Have compassion.

greencolorpack · 30/01/2013 17:38

I agree sonofAradia.

I never thought much about cremation vs burial but lately I decided to seek out my grandparents grave. I found it through research and half remembered memories of a cemetery on a hilltop somewhere remote. I now live about half an hours drive away. I wandered round the graveyard and prayed to my Nana to find her and a second later I found her grave, it was just lovely. I was not sad, just so chuffed to have found them and I would like to go and leave flowers next time now I know. So now I can see the point of burial. It's good to have somewhere to go.

yousankmybattleship · 30/01/2013 17:43

What a nasty post. I lost someone very very close a year ago. He was 40 years old. I posted a message on his birthday. I don't know why, but it helped a bit. On a day when everything was whirling round in my mind it helped to do something concrete I suppose. How could that possbily bother you OP? I shall hide this thread now as it has really upset me.

usualsuspect · 30/01/2013 17:48

Yes, this thread has kind of upset me too.

expatinscotland · 30/01/2013 17:52

My daughter is buried. She was only 9 when she died. I find her burial place very peaceful. It is a large cemetary with plenty of space left so it's an active, lively place and sadly, there are many children and young people around her Sad. You always see balloons in the shape of a number at some spots on birthdays. 18, 21. Even if they've been dead for 5, 10 years.

thegreylady · 30/01/2013 17:57

I should have said that although I feel a frisson of sadness when I see the updates I agree that no one should judge how others grieve.On my mum/grandparents grave the headstone says:
"Love's Last Gift-Remembrance" and that is so true.
Sorry if I added to anyone's unhappiness-fb can be such a blunt instrument sometimes.

OwlLady · 30/01/2013 17:58

Please don't let the OP upset you, she is an ignoramus

oldebaglady · 30/01/2013 18:00

It's not my thing either

I don't really understand why it's done on the dead person's wall rather than by private message?? can anyone who does it explain that to me (or do you do both??)

but I don't really mind it though so long as I'm not asked to partake in any way (i.e. tagged)

expatinscotland · 30/01/2013 18:04

When you PM a dead person they can't retrieve the message.

Annunziata · 30/01/2013 18:06

My dad has been dead for 22 years this year. I always take him a birthday and Christmas card and maybe if I used facebook I'd do that too.

YABU.

oldebaglady · 30/01/2013 18:08

they cant read their FB wall either!

I'm guessing its like writing the person a letter? I get that that helps some people, but just thought that a pm would be more of an equivalent IYKWIM?

PoppadomPreach · 30/01/2013 18:11

OldeBagLady

I don't like celery. It's not my thing. Tastes horrible as far as I'm concerned.

But I do understand that some people like it. I don't think it's unreasonable that they like it. They do, I don't. It really is terribly simple.

If you're not bright enough to understand that public posts regarding bereavement on FB might be therapeutic to some, perhaps it's best to keep those feelings private?

FFS, can people not simply let people grieve how they want, and not have to "understand" it??

Sleepthief · 30/01/2013 18:14

Maybe they want other people to remember the deceased person too? One of the hardest things for me was everyone else going back to normal after his funeral, where there was and always will be a huge dad-shaped hole in my life. He didn't want to die and he would want to be remembered. However, I don't really give a shit who likes what I post or otherwise. They can always ignore or defriend me.

GrowSomeCress · 30/01/2013 18:15

I suppose you just have to accept the different ways people show grief.

But I really don't want people to be doing that when I die. I find the thought of people posting on my wall/posting on a RIP group after I've died very uncomfortable.

NorthernLurker · 30/01/2013 18:21

Criticising how people choose to grieve is crass and vile. I have contempt for you OP. If you had decent feeling you would ask mumsnet to take down this hurtful thread. How dare you respond like this. 'Grief is a private matter'. No it isn't. Grief shapes our lives, like love does and saying it must be hidden away is unspeakably cruel.
I have two friends who lost babies and both post about them on facebook on their birthdays. I am honoured to read those updates.

The dead can't read facebook but the living can. The living read mumsnet too and I know exactly what I think of you OP and some of the other stupid, hurtful posters on this thread. You're sharing webspace with bereaved people. Did you miss that? Or are you all just permanently lacking in sensitivity?

oldebaglady · 30/01/2013 18:28

Poppadom, you missunderstand, if people who like celery KEPT putting it in your sarnies, would it bother you then?

I am not bothered by people doing it by themselves!, I AM bothered by being tagged, and doing it on walls or by posting photos of the dead person on their wall and tagging everyone who knew them, allows people to enforce THEIR way of grieving on everyone else. In a pm it'd just be them getting on with it IYKWIM

everlong · 30/01/2013 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuntGirl · 30/01/2013 18:37

^"The dead can't read facebook but the living can.">

This. Just the physical act of putting it 'out there' helps those writing, and may help those reading.

When my friends post about their dead family members/friends I know they are hurting right now and I do what I can to help. Sometimes that's a nice message to them, sometimes it's just being aware of and accommodating their feelings, sometimes it's leaving them the hell alone. I'd do whatever I can do to help them when they're hurting. Because they're my friends and I love them.

DioneTheDiabolist · 30/01/2013 18:43

Oldebaglady, I get it. You don't want to be a part of this. Therefore, you need to let people know how you feel and ask them not to tag you in.

Why do people do it?
1)To share the good times and their grief with others doing the same. This is widely recognized as being helpful to the bereaved.
2) To communicate their feelings to the deceased as well as others.
3) Because it's their wall and they can do as they wish.
4) For all the other good reasons put forward by posters on this thread.

You do not wish to share and that is your prerogative.

Others do. That is their's.

rubberducky24 · 30/01/2013 18:46

so sorry to read some of the stories on this thread, has really made me cry. Whatever helps people deal with their grief is fine by me so OP YABU

Greensleeves · 30/01/2013 18:47

I feel pissed off for all the posters who have lost loved ones - especially those who have lost their own children - who have had to read this bullshit Angry

OP have you ANY IDEA how it feels to lose one of your kids? No? Neither have I. So how about shutting the hell up about things you know nothing about, and respecting others' right to express grief in any way that helps them. That way you might one day become a decent human being, rather than the haunted beef you currently are.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/01/2013 18:49

There are plenty of threads that upset me on MN that I wish the OP wouldn't have posted but they do - and other people post to the thread also. It seems that people pick and choose what offends them, which is fair enough.

I can understand why this thread is upsetting some posters but it's not really about dictating what a person can or can't do, or telling them how they must grieve, is it? I see this all the time, somebody posts an opinion which is unpopular and they're immediately slapped down but then the post is taken out of context and actually, that's unfair and not very honest. I don't see that OP is being disrespectful in giving his/her view on something that other people are also doing.

The facebook 'like' thing is odd. For a myriad of things, ie. "Johnny fell and broke his leg today"... and there are half a dozen 'likes'. To me that's odd. I don't care whether YOU think it's odd or not, I do - think what you like.

Don't call people names just because they have different views to you; nobody's telling you how to think or what to think. OP doesn't understand why people do this on Facebook. Frankly, I don't either but it doesn't bother me because I don't look. Have me as a friend in RL and you won't find anybody who will care about you more or support you more. The 'stopping judging' works on every level...

forgetmenots · 30/01/2013 18:49

Nicely summed up northern.

Oldebaglady, to continue the metaphor, stop eating those sandwiches or letting those celery lovers make them! Unfriend or hide people whose updates you don't like.