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Original poster

To not get people putting messages on FB to relatives that have been dead for years?

235 replies

Wampingwillow · 30/01/2013 13:12

I just don't get why anyone would want to wish their mother/ father/brother etc a happy birthday on Facebook when they've been dead for 10 years! Obviously they are dead and I would expect that the family and close friends would know that it would have been their birthday so why the need to let everyone else know? Is it just so they can get loads of 'sending you hugz Hun' messages and while we are at it why to people like the status? Do they really like the fact that your relative is dead?

OP posts:
5madthings · 30/01/2013 22:23

If you don't want to be tagged yhedn either tell the person tagging you that or change your settings on Feb so you can't be tagged its quite simple :)

5madthings · 30/01/2013 22:23

Fb not Feb...

Tigerbomb · 30/01/2013 22:25

My xDH wasn't on facebook - so me and his kids created a page for him. People put photo's up so that we could share our memories of him

He has only been gone 12 months but god we miss him every second of the day. We couldnt afford a grave site to go and visit so a Fb page is our memorial.

We "talk" to him on his page - happy Birthday, merry Christmas etc - his friends do too - it's a way we still connect with each other even though the main connection is no long here

I dont give a Flying fuck if other people dont ... in fact I dont give a flying fuck - full stop. This thread has been really upsetting.

oldebaglady · 30/01/2013 22:29

I have no problem with "normal" tagging

tagging someone into something about someone close to them who has died should warrant a second thought about whether it's something they might like or not! it's not hard to tell - have they previously posted similar stuff? if no, then they probably won't like it! do just don't! the people who want to share it with you will see it and reply anyway!

it's like photos of other people's kids, if they don't have any pics of their own kids on their profile, they probably won't like you posting pics of their kids! I don't see why people can't give these things a second's thought before they get tagging/posting diarrhoea!

SaintVera · 30/01/2013 22:30

Going slightly off-piste here, I wish we had a day of the dead in our culture. I would like to be with others in collective grief, as I remember my beautiful son who died in July.

Death gets hidden away in our society. That is the thing that is wrong, not the Facebook tributes. We all of us grieve one day...

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 30/01/2013 22:32

olde why don't you go and tell the people who are doing it again instead of going on and on and on about it here. No-one has disagreed with you, many people have given suggestions which you are dismissing. Whats the point in arguing with everyone here when we arent the ones doing it?

5madthings · 30/01/2013 22:33

Or you van change your settings to be notified of tagging and then allow it or not our tell the person who is annoying you by tagging you not to do it.

Its not massively relevant to this op tho which quite frankly was poorly thought out and us massiuvely insensitive.

Maybe whoever is tagging you is just clicking tag on a group you are in is friends and or family and is not thinking that much or maybe they think you would like to see it? If you haven't told therm not to tag you you cant expect them to be psychic.

oldebaglady · 30/01/2013 22:33

"olde why don't you go and tell the people who are doing it again instead of going on and on and on about it here"

FFS how many times... I HAVE TOLD THEM!!!!
If you're going to reply directly so someone at least read their posts first!

SaintVera · 30/01/2013 22:34

oh, and Tiger, you are quite right. When my XP died 20 years ago, we couldn't afford a grave. It is difficult for our DD not having a grave to visit and difficult for me. It might have been more comforting for us if FB had existed then

oldebaglady · 30/01/2013 22:36

"Maybe whoever is tagging you is just clicking tag on a group you are in is friends and or family"
well they shouldn't IMO!

"No-one has disagreed with you" - err, yes they have!

5madthings · 30/01/2013 22:37

Well delete or block them then you have plenty if options but moaning about it on here wont help and actually seems insensitive to people who have been upset by this thread IMO.

rayeames · 30/01/2013 22:37

I hate it. My Dad died a couple of years ago. My aunt now acts like Dad (her brother) never existed and has cut my Mum out of her life (e.g. she'll invite the family over but not my Mum). But on FB she is always posting those generic 'I'm lighting a candle for someone I love' posts on significant dates. It really pisses me off that she does all the 'pay attention to my grief' stuff on FB but isn't a decent person in RL. Maybe she has coloured my views a bit, but I think even in less extreme cases public displays of grief can be upsetting for those who prefer to grieve privately but whose emotions run just as deep.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 30/01/2013 22:40

no-one has said you should be tagged and you shouldn't be upset about getting tagged in posts when you have asked not to be (unless I missed one somewhere) many people have given you helpful suggestions with you more or less saying 'why should I'. Confused You are making your point (over and over again) to the wrong people.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 30/01/2013 22:43

Also olde I did read your post, you will note I used the word again - maybe you shoud read the posts you are directly quoting.

oldebaglady · 30/01/2013 22:44

forgetmenots posted that its okay to tag without thinking twice unless you have been asked not to

I disagree and think a moment's thought is apt before tagging someone on a post about a dead person, and tagging whole groups without thinking about it is selfish!

oldebaglady · 30/01/2013 22:45

argh! I DID read it

didn't you read that I said I had told them REPEATEDLY? that means I told them "again!"

ffs Hmm

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 30/01/2013 22:50

Yes I did, so tell them again, there is no point ranting at us, we aren't doing it, forget was quite sympathetic to your distress at being tagged from what I can see.

expatinscotland · 30/01/2013 22:56

There's a block function on FB.

wewereherefirst · 30/01/2013 22:59

I will sometimes post something on Facebook about a relative I found dead when I was a young teenager. Over 10 years on and I still struggle to contain the grief and sometimes writing it on Fb helps me, it's cathartic writing a message to a loved one.

On the other hand, I never post about my daughter. That is my inward grief.

I would never wish to belittle someone's right to grieve how they feel they need to. Grief is personal, not private.

fioled · 30/01/2013 23:35

Things that have struck me on this thread:

MrsDV "But yet again, it is the bereaved who are expected to tread carefully around the sensitivities of the non bereaved, lest we upset them. Remind them of their mortality or worse, the mortality of their children."

SaintVera "Death gets hidden away in our society. That is the thing that is wrong, not the Facebook tributes."

Yup, that and everything NorthernLurker has said. Pretty much sums up how I'm feeling tonight between this shite and nonsense I've been involved with elsewhere about the lack or warning about bereaved parents and rainbow babies on OBEM.

Apparently my life needs a warning sticker and I shouldn't mention my dead child on FB...

expatinscotland · 31/01/2013 00:52

We have celebrations, bake cakes and have picnics . . . for dead people. Even years after they've died. Yes, the whole family, even my little kids, ages 7 and 4. We have picnics at their sister's grave and let off balloons for other, dead children she knew from her unit when we can't make it to their services. I post photos of this on FB, too! I posted photos of my kids on a memorial bench created for their dead sister.

Sometimes my 7-year-old finds it hard to fall asleep and talks about her dead sister. I tell her she is still her sister, and that she loves her very much, and to never, ever be afraid of feeling her for that reason and to listen to her if she can hear her. She sleeps with the last school photo of her sister, the two of them taken together.

She grows up understanding that everyone dies, some younger than others, and that death is part of life, and there is nothing shameful about it and nothing to be hidden about it and that if she encounters people who tell her otherwise, that they are wrong.

forgetmenots · 31/01/2013 07:52

Oldebaglady - no, I said people can tag you and should then respect it if you ask not to be. I didn't suggest it was done without thought. They maybe thought you would very much appreciate it - who knows? No one (as far as I can see) thinks you're being unreasonable to ask not to be tagged, or that they being fair by continuing to do so. After they've disrespected your expressed wishes, then of course YANBU. You can block/unfriend/ask again, whatever you think appropriate. The first time it happens though it's not fair to assume thoughtlessness or malice, but afterwards they should listen to you and not tag. Everyone's rights respected, and only minor inconvenience and awkwardness caused?

Anyway - I really (honestly) hope you've dealt with the people who are doing this either way, so you can all get on with grieving.

forgetmenots · 31/01/2013 07:52

(Was means to be Thanks at the end there Blush)

forgetmenots · 31/01/2013 07:56

Fioled by the way I completely agree about OBEM - not helpful at all :(

ssd · 31/01/2013 08:13

do you know what op, the worst thing when someone you love dies is the feeling everyone else has forgotten them, except you and you are stuck in a limbo grieving for someone who was huge in your life and no one else is bothering

I'd love a fb page for my mum with messages randomly left by people who knew her and I wouldnt grudge anyone that at all

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