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Original poster

To not get people putting messages on FB to relatives that have been dead for years?

235 replies

Wampingwillow · 30/01/2013 13:12

I just don't get why anyone would want to wish their mother/ father/brother etc a happy birthday on Facebook when they've been dead for 10 years! Obviously they are dead and I would expect that the family and close friends would know that it would have been their birthday so why the need to let everyone else know? Is it just so they can get loads of 'sending you hugz Hun' messages and while we are at it why to people like the status? Do they really like the fact that your relative is dead?

OP posts:
MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 30/01/2013 19:25

No-one has said that your way of grieving is wrong at all olde

There are many things you can do, you can change your settings so you can't get requests or tags or defriend the people who are upsetting you, or you can have a serious word and say that it upsets you.

Viviennemary · 30/01/2013 19:27

I didn't read the whole thread so apologise if my post was insensitive.

SaggyOldPregnantCatpuss · 30/01/2013 19:28

ChaosTrulyReignsWed 30-Jan-13 13:19:45

Surely anything that makes the grieving feel a tiny bit better is completely understandable and NotToBeJudged?

Let them be, please.
^^That. Everyone is different. If you dont like it, then dont look.

usualsuspect · 30/01/2013 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/01/2013 19:30

usualsuspect... there are lots of sneery and nasty posts all over MN. You don't have the right to tell people to 'fuck off'. You have no idea of anybody elses circumstances or what they've gone through so best not to make assumptions, eh?

expatinscotland · 30/01/2013 19:32

'I had a birthday party for my DD 10 days ago.
Her 21st. We had cakes and balloons and everything.
She died 7 years ago.'

And I baked a cake with my two kids, ages 4 and 7, for her and we all sang Happy Birthday because we couldn't make it to her party or we'd have been there! :) And put it on FB :o. We will do the same for their sister, who is also dead. Every single year.

A friend is having a party and raising money in our daughter's name. We shared it all on FB and the target's been exceeded :o. Yay! Money for a great charity.

Because they are loved people and people who are just as much worth of expression of that love as anyone else.

DioneTheDiabolist · 30/01/2013 19:33

Oldebaglady, you've got it. People do this because they do want it to be a group thing. There is nothing wrong with this. I am sorry that your friend's do not respect your wishes. I would urge you to speak to them again and explain how strongly you feel about this.

Eliza, I think what upset people on this thread was not the fact that the OP doesn't understand such posts or even actively dislikes them, I think it was her assertion that they do so in order to to get sending you hugz Hun type messages.

Alisvolatpropiis · 30/01/2013 19:35

It isn't something I do Op, I'm quite reserved (except on here essentially anonymously),but people on my Facebook do,it doesn't bother me. As somebody else said it's essentially a more modern form of the In Memoriam sections of newspapers,which still exist.

usualsuspect · 30/01/2013 19:35

And the OP has no right to make assumptions about other people's grief.

vivizone · 30/01/2013 19:39

op won't return. lol

vivizone · 30/01/2013 19:40

I smell a name change coming on

MrsDeVere · 30/01/2013 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebody · 30/01/2013 19:46

Just read expat and MrsDeVere posts.

What else is there to say.

Thinking of all those on here who have lost precious children and count myself lucky every day.

MrsDeVere · 30/01/2013 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hulababy · 30/01/2013 19:50

What an insensitive OP and also some insensitive posters thereafter!

How can you judge how someone grieves or remembers their lost family and friends?

Grief is not private. It has never been a private matter.

Why would you criticise what others do to help themselves deal with their own grief?

How can you not understand that some people just do things differently and accept that they are not you and there is no one right way to do things?

oldebaglady - I would ask them not to if it really bothered me or I would take myself away from the situation - i can;t really do the whole celery thing tbh - but in the case of FB - that means hiding a status, image or even a friend. Or I would just ignore - have to say that it doesn't occur daily or even weekly on the whole so not exactly hard to scroll past if you needed to surely?

exoticfruits · 30/01/2013 19:51

It helps some people, which is all that matters- hide the posts if you don't like it.

oldebaglady · 30/01/2013 19:51

It's too late dione my friends and in particular family were determined that I remember death anniversaries so that we could remember them together that I now know em off by heart! they were well aware that it was the one thing I didn't want to remember about the people and they were reminded every year until it became pointless (as I then knew the dates I wanted to forget!)

It was not a case of them needing to be reminded, they KNEW and infact some were angry with me about it, one was close to furious as they "needed" me to remember it with them!

there's no wrong way to grieve, so long as you go with the group that is!

Original poster
Wampingwillow · 30/01/2013 19:53

Well I've been out all afternoon and never for one minute imaged the furore my post would cause. Firstly I said I didn't get the FB thing, me moi no one else I also posted earlier to say that obviously I'm in the minority as so many do get the whole fb thing. I wasn't trying to be offensive I was thinking of a particular person I know who posts happy birthday xyz when someone asks who xyz is as they've never heard of them the answer is often a relative who died long ago, and tbh I just don't see the point on her updates. I've never said that people shouldn't remember deceased relatives, everyone should do what they feel is appropriate to them. But equally the vitriol that being sent in my direction is really unpleasant.

OP posts:
oldebaglady · 30/01/2013 19:54

Hulababy honestly does noone read someones posts before directing replies to them? I have hidden them! I only see things I am tagged in or invited to

and it IS frequent

JustAHolyFool · 30/01/2013 19:55

You know this reminds me of a lecturer we had at university. I didn't walk out and I should have, and I should have complained as well.

He was talking about some elegy and said "now isn't that a much better expression of grief than we manage these days. I mean, you go to a cemetery and all the dead children have teddy bear shaped graves. Is that really the only way the working classes have to express their grief?" He said the whole thing with a smug little look on his face.

Fucking cunt, eh?

usualsuspect · 30/01/2013 19:56

You asked if they do it for the hugz type replies?

Do you not think that was an insensitive thing to post?

thebody · 30/01/2013 19:58

Yes agree he is a cunt.

MrsDeVere · 30/01/2013 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hulababy · 30/01/2013 19:59

oldebaglady - so change your FB settings so you cannot be tagged

nannyof3 · 30/01/2013 19:59

People grieve differently

What business is it of yours?

Take the 'people' off ur news feed!!!