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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite these partners to my wedding?

164 replies

gollumiscute · 19/01/2013 01:42

Whilst I was at uni I lived with four girls, they all stayed in the same area when uni finished, and I moved back down south. So unfortunately because of distance and commitments we are lucky to see each other once a year but keep in touch via text/email/skype.

We are making the guest list for our wedding and I would absolutely love and want to invite these girls, however they all have partners (one has been with her partner for 5 years.)

We are paying £40 a head. So to just invite the girls it would cost £160 and if we invited all their partners too it would obviously cost £320.

One of the partners I have never met, two I really like and have known them since I knew my friends and the last one I don't particularly like as even though he's quite a shy person when he would come over to our house he wouldn't even say hi if he walked into the room you were in.

I wouldn't invite some partners and not others. Also we have limited seating and I'd rather give the other seats to closer friends. But if the girls come they will be giving up a weekend due to traveling.

aibu? I know some people would be offended if their partner was not invited to a wedding they were invited to.

OP posts:
gingerpig · 19/01/2013 02:02

I wouldn't be offended. one of my friends decided that they would only invite partners if the couple were engaged or living together. we weren't. I quite enjoyed having the time alone with my friends tbh!

DeepRedBetty · 19/01/2013 02:09

yanbu if you're being consistent with this particular group. Your wedding your rules. I went to a couple of weddings post uni without dp, it was refreshing to flirt catch up with old chums without constantly having to introduce him to people and ensure he wasn't bored.

Keep posting here, we'll soon tell you if you're developing Bridezilla tendencies!

INeedThatForkOff · 19/01/2013 03:27

YABU, I think. It's rude, especially if you do as gingerpig days and decide or not based on marital status. Many couples will never marry, and this sort of discrimination (ott I know, can't think of a better word just now) makes co-habiting an inferior status.

I have declined an invitation for this reason, not because I can't bear to spend time with my DH (DP at the time), but because it was a rudeness to him. We'd been together a lot longer than the couple in question. I would also have been pissed off if he attended a wedding to which I wasn't invited.

You decided on a venue with a smaller capacity than it seems you need and which charges £40 per head. You need to decide how important yout friendships with these 'girls' are.

LoopsInHoops · 19/01/2013 03:30

We tried doing this and ended up relenting. Not worth the upset.

HouseOfBears · 19/01/2013 03:55

Personally I'd suck it up and invite them all, especially as two of them you know really well. If your numbers are really that tight though, then I'd have a word with your friends before sending the invites so they don't feel affronted when they open them (or assume that their DP is included even though it's only their name on it!)

feministefatale · 19/01/2013 04:21

Some people only have say space for 20 people. That means inviting 10 friends and their partners or 20 friends. Why should you be rude to your actual friends in order to not be seen as rude to your friend's partners?

Invite them explain you haven't got room for them all to come and as long as you do the same for everyone there should not be a problem

ZooAnimals · 19/01/2013 05:49

I think it's fine as long as you're consistent i.e. 4 partners or no partners, but not just 2. If it was just one friend it would be worse, but they'll all be in the same boat and so can travel down/be at the wedding/stay over together.

If they're massively put out about it then not really friends imo, not worth £160 extra to accommodate someone who can't be understanding/put their own preferences aside for one day.

MidnightMasquerader · 19/01/2013 06:13

I've never been invited to a wedding just me; not has DH. Would I be put out if either of us was? No. But it's just not something I'd ever do myself.

As far as I'm concerned, it's just not the done thing to only invite one half of a couple. I had a couple of partners I'd never met at our wedding - not having such people just wasn't even a consideration.

My feeling is, you wouldn't invite just one half to any other social event - a birthday, a Christening, or any other knees-up, so why is it OK at a wedding?

Weddings, to me, are just as much about accommodating guests and being hospitable and ensuring they have a fabulous and memorable time, as they are about the bride and groom - not a popular opinion, I know.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 19/01/2013 06:34

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. In fact I suggested exactly this for a friends wedding as she was on a tight budget.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 19/01/2013 06:35

I think it would be rude not to invite partners. But could you try discussing your predicament with them and see what that they say?

ZooAnimals · 19/01/2013 06:43

'My feeling is, you wouldn't invite just one half to any other social event - a birthday, a Christening, or any other knees-up, so why is it OK at a wedding?'

Loads of people have 'single sex' birthdays. My sister just had a girly spa day for her birthday; husbands and boyfriends not invited. One of my friends went go-karting, guys only. I think it's fairly common tbh.

Hen/Stag parties are one-half only social events.

Work things (Christmas meal etc) are often 'no partners'.

Only inviting half a couple to a Christening might be a bit odd though, but as with the wedding it depends on the circumstances.

fairylightsandtinsel · 19/01/2013 06:51

Also with other types of events you usually aren't paying for everyone, with weddngs you are, so it is different

HollyBerryBush · 19/01/2013 07:04

I think you need to be up front and explain that you

(a) are on a limited budget
(b) have a small venue with limited space
(c) it is a small wedding and you don;t want it getting out of control

Persoanlally I don't think it's the dine thing to invite one half of a couple either but each to their own

How would react, hypothetically if your frieds agreed to attend the wedding and breakfast minus partners, but partners joined in the evening events? Or they offered to pay for their partners breakfast meal?

meditrina · 19/01/2013 07:04

I think you do not need to invite partners - or even spouses - but I know I'm in the minority in still holding a view that was widespread in 1950s!

But if you stop to think that you are inviting the individuals who matter to you, then adding their family members is obviously an optional add-on. (If you want to invite a whole family because you want all of them there, that's quite different). Nor are couples a 2-headed 4-legged creature that must always move together, remaining your own person socially has always been totally respectable (from pov of both inviter and invitee). But you will find, I'm sorry to say, many who do take umbrage if you are not meticulous in meeting their expectations of indivisibility, not independence.

PrincessOfChina · 19/01/2013 07:11

Depends. When you see your girlfriends do you just meet as a group of girls or do partners come along too? If the latter I think you need to invite them. If the former I'd just give them a call (or a group email so you're saying it to them all at the same time) and ask if they'd mind having a girls day at your wedding.

Could you invite the partners for the evening do? If the guys know each other they might be more than happy to pop off for a game of golf or something?

strawberrypenguin · 19/01/2013 07:11

I think it's fine. You are friends with the girls not their partners. As a pp said though be consistent none of the partners or all 4.
We did he same at our wedding, it was very small and on a budget we invited a couple of our uni friends without their partners and they were fine with it (and in the end they did end up coming as we had people who couldn't make it so invited them instead)

SushiPaws · 19/01/2013 07:28

Yabu I think.

You said you moved down south, so I assume your guests will be travelling and paying for accommodation.

I find that couples always dwell on the cost they are paying per head and don't take into consideration the cost that guests will pay for travel and accommodation.

Dh was invited to a wedding before we got married. We were engaged and living together. He would have to take the Friday and Saturday off as a holiday days, it would've cost as much as a weekend away somewhere cheap for us both. If we'd both been invited we'd have gone but since our holidays were so precious to us he didn't go. (We both worked long hours and didn't get much time together).

It's difficult I understand but the potential to offend is high and you have to consider other people's lives and plans.

bakingaddict · 19/01/2013 07:30

It's fine if your uni friends decide that they would like a girly weekend without their partners but personally i'd let them decide that and extend the invitation to all their partners.

IMO I think it's a bit crass not to invite guests partner's, it just smacks of penny-pinching to me and nothing states a person's true regard for your partner quite like them being left off a wedding invitation. What's an extra £160 in the grand scheme of wedding costs to limit any potential bad feeling.

AThingInYourLife · 19/01/2013 07:48

YABU

You need to figure out what your numbers are without being rude (and not inviting partners is rude) and then see what your budget will allow.

Deciding which people you think are "worth" £20 is a really horrible way to think about it.

issimma · 19/01/2013 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ledkr · 19/01/2013 07:59

I would speak to them all and explain about numbers and costs etc. I'm never offended by this type of thing as long as the person takes the time to explain why. It just makes it feel less hurtful.

BrandyAlexander · 19/01/2013 08:03

Yabu. And rude. You want them to give up a weekend to come and celebrate the significance of your relationship while you are diminishing the significance of their relationship. In the past, I accepted the invitation, these days I would just decline.

AThingInYourLife · 19/01/2013 08:12

I also think not inviting their partners sends a message that your friendship with them is a thing of the past.

That you are inviting them to remind yourself of that era of your life, but that you have no real interest in their lives as they are now

There are few enough social occasions for seeing distant friends. Having them and their partners there is far more sociable than insisting that only your actual friends that you know are worth your money.

Better to think in terms of hospitality than cash - what kind of wedding do you want this to be?

One that people remember fondly as a great time and which inspires future get togethers?

Or one that people attend dutifully before they are eased (or ease themselves) out of your life?

ZooAnimals · 19/01/2013 08:14

'What's an extra £160 in the grand scheme of wedding costs'

This is a good point.

MrsKeithRichards · 19/01/2013 08:21

Rude, rude, rude. You expect them to travel and attend a wedding feeling like spinster Sal on a day that is all about love and commitment. You are obviously not able to afford the wedding you want the way you want. I've done it once, been invited to a friends wedding without dh and it was shit and awkward. We'd been married longer than this couple had been together. Old school friend marrying a guy we went to school with. I felt like an idiot, 6 months pregnant sitting with my other three friends and explaining to people I hadn't seen in years, oh yes I'm married now, no he's not here.

Rude.

It actually sent a pretty clear signal to my other friends and I. Like we were invited through obligation.

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