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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite these partners to my wedding?

164 replies

gollumiscute · 19/01/2013 01:42

Whilst I was at uni I lived with four girls, they all stayed in the same area when uni finished, and I moved back down south. So unfortunately because of distance and commitments we are lucky to see each other once a year but keep in touch via text/email/skype.

We are making the guest list for our wedding and I would absolutely love and want to invite these girls, however they all have partners (one has been with her partner for 5 years.)

We are paying £40 a head. So to just invite the girls it would cost £160 and if we invited all their partners too it would obviously cost £320.

One of the partners I have never met, two I really like and have known them since I knew my friends and the last one I don't particularly like as even though he's quite a shy person when he would come over to our house he wouldn't even say hi if he walked into the room you were in.

I wouldn't invite some partners and not others. Also we have limited seating and I'd rather give the other seats to closer friends. But if the girls come they will be giving up a weekend due to traveling.

aibu? I know some people would be offended if their partner was not invited to a wedding they were invited to.

OP posts:
flowery · 19/01/2013 08:21

YABU

You should have made your guest list before choosing your venue.

You also say you wouldn't invite some partners and not others, but are only talking about these few friends, which presumably means all your other guests' partners are invited? If so, your friends will be Hmm once they realise.

MrsKeithRichards · 19/01/2013 08:26

The friend that done it to us explained that it was because of the venue etc which I was fine about but it still rankles. Other people were there with partners, it was a bloody ceilidh too so who the hell were we meant to dance with? I hated the whole thing to be honest.

AThingInYourLife · 19/01/2013 08:27

Your wedding is a party.

What will make it fun?

Hint: not just pleasing yourself and expecting your guests to be props in your play about you.

Branleuse · 19/01/2013 08:33

I think its a bit rude tbh, especially if theyd be travelling for the wedding

maddening · 19/01/2013 08:33

The hotel and travel and clothes and your present will come to more than £100 per couple - probably closer to £200 ( especially if the hotel is charging £40 per head.

So the least you can do is fling £40 for their partner's dinner.

Branleuse · 19/01/2013 08:34

if my partner wasnt invited and i had to travel, I just wouldnt go. Weddings are boring enough as it is if you dont know many people and you cant just go home when you want.
As the person above said. The guests are not just props in a play for you

ledkr · 19/01/2013 08:40

Lol at the assumption that once you are in a relationship you are no longer an individual and have to go to everything together!

RubyrooUK · 19/01/2013 08:41

I know how expensive weddings are. But I think not asking partners says, as someone says upthread, that you are only inviting someone as an old friend rather than being interested in their current life and partners.

Also a wedding is all about the importance of you and your DP being together, so it seems funny to me to ask your friends to come along without their important people - their partners. (Would you be offended if they got married after this and didn't invite your new DH as they didn't really know him?)

If you really can't afford it though, then I would just write/phone and explain that you can't afford too many people there and you've asked them to come without partners. Some people on this thread wouldn't be offended at all, so your friends may not be either.

ledkr · 19/01/2013 08:43

Op isn't suggesting the friends go alone though she is suggesting inviting four old friend who know each other.

AThingInYourLife · 19/01/2013 08:47

"she is suggesting inviting four old friend who know each other."

So she is asking them to rewind their lives to the way they were when she knew them best.

So more prop than guest.

atacareercrossroads · 19/01/2013 08:48

Hmm.... It wouldn't bother me too much if you explained why. It is a bit rude though. How about being totally honest, maybe they'll pay for the other meal? I would.

MrsKeithRichards · 19/01/2013 08:48

Who made that assumption ledkr?

expatinscotland · 19/01/2013 08:51

Invite fewer people if you're doing one of these weddings where people have to travel over a whole weekend and spend £££.

RubyrooUK · 19/01/2013 08:53

I think that's fine Ledkr - if the OP wouldn't expect her DH to be invited to these women's weddings in future because she could hang out with her old friends and they see it that way too, then it sounds like everyone would be happy.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 19/01/2013 08:56

Yanbu. I think its a perfectly ok thing to do. I don't see why at your wedding you should have to have people there you aren't close to. Id find that weird personally.

There was a recent thread about this though and there were some who felt that their partner not being invited was an "insult to their relationship/meant the bride and groom didn't care about their relationship/felt that a wedding of two people is actually a time of celebration of all relationships everywhere and so all couples must be invited"

Hmm
hermioneweasley · 19/01/2013 09:00

So, for the legal aspects of a marriage, yo could go to a registry office with a couple of witnesses and achieve that aim. You're not doing that, so it seems that on top of the legal aspects, you want to make vows in front of your community and celebrate your relationship with those that matter to you.

It seems to me that you should have a venue that it big enough for all the people that matter in that case. If you aren't committed to this place, I would think again.

If that's not possible, you'll have to be upfront and tell them that their partners simply aren't as important to you as other people. And as and when they get married you will have to be prepared to go without your DH.

PicaK · 19/01/2013 09:01

If you can find the money then invite the partners. You are going to know these girls for years, they may marry these guys and have children and grandchildren and although you may not see them lots that shared history counts for a lot.

I left some partners out at my wedding breakfast and as the years go by i deeply regret it. I wish i had stuffed the flowers or the expensive shoes instead.

PickledInAPearTree · 19/01/2013 09:03

Wouldn't bother me. Four uni friends,, weekend away, no men? Quite nice.

You can see by some of the comments though - its possible they might not see it that way!

shesariver · 19/01/2013 09:04

They may all know each other but it was a long time ago and OP did say they rarely meet up these days because of circumstances. So once together it will be different to when they were all living together. I wouldn't like to be stuck a long way from home at a wedding when all the people I knew were 3 friends I lived with years ago, I would want my DH there. And its nothing to do with not being able to function as an individual without him or any nonsense like that but I enjoy his company so would want him there, especially for the slow dances!

SO YABU, seems mean to quibble about £160.

atacareercrossroads · 19/01/2013 09:05

Oh, have read op after ny coffee and yabvu if you actually know the partners! Talk about driving.g a wedge in the friendship

ledkr · 19/01/2013 09:10

The assumption mrs richards I feel comes from posts like

So she is asking them to rewind their lives to the way they were when she knew them best.

When I got married I didn't erase who I was. The person I was before is the person I am now I'm just married. I don't see that I am incapable of going anywhere without him because that in some way would be going back to my old self, because I sn stil that person!

It's just my opinion though, bit too early to be disagreeing Grin

AThingInYourLife · 19/01/2013 09:12

"I don't see why at your wedding you should have to have people there you aren't close to."

Ah, the wedding as performance rather than enjoyable social occasion strikes again.

MidnightMasquerader · 19/01/2013 09:15

I couldn't agree more, AThing - but it seems to be an obscure viewpoint to some... Wink

shesariver · 19/01/2013 09:19

Absolutely athing....think some brides and grooms forget that once everyone has watched them get married it can be a very long day if you are not enjoying yourself.

AThingInYourLife · 19/01/2013 09:20

That's not what I meant at all, ledkr.

The remark was about the expectation that these women, who may not still be friends in any significant way, are expected to pal up and hang out together for the OP's pleasure.

If you make your wedding into a celebration of your life so far, it will be more like an endpoint than a new beginning.

These women's partners are important in their lives now.

Having them as a part of an important social occasion is more likely to lead to ongoing contact with these friends.

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