to not invite these partners to my wedding?

[gollumiscute]

Whilst I was at uni I lived with four girls, they all stayed in the same area when uni finished, and I moved back down south. So unfortunately because of distance and commitments we are lucky to see each other once a year but keep in touch via text/email/skype.

We are making the guest list for our wedding and I would absolutely love and want to invite these girls, however they all have partners (one has been with her partner for 5 years.)

We are paying £40 a head. So to just invite the girls it would cost £160 and if we invited all their partners too it would obviously cost £320.

One of the partners I have never met, two I really like and have known them since I knew my friends and the last one I don't particularly like as even though he's quite a shy person when he would come over to our house he wouldn't even say hi if he walked into the room you were in.

I wouldn't invite some partners and not others. Also we have limited seating and I'd rather give the other seats to closer friends. But if the girls come they will be giving up a weekend due to traveling.

aibu? I know some people would be offended if their partner was not invited to a wedding they were invited to.

I did this, because a mutual friend (b) was recently divorced, wobbly and would have been attending alone. I asked a friend (a)whose partner I had met once to come with our mutual friend (b). It was partly about numbers and cost, but mostly about the experience of our friend (b). Friend a declined. But, tbh, I realised she was a taker not a giver.

Agree with Apocolypse. If I get invited as my partners plus one, if I didn't know them at all, I didn't go. Weddings are expensive, I get that, and why do I even want to go if I know no one except my boyfriend?
But I would have thought it a bit odd not to get invited as well, so think you have to invite the partners. Not worth the ill feeling.

YABU if you send out the invites without sounding out your friends first.

I've been to a school friend's wedding without my hubby. but he had spoken to me and other school friend first, explained the situation and we agreed to go together and share the cost if the hotel etc. It was fine. But... in all honesty I think we both would have enjoyed the day far more if we'd been there with our respective OHs.

Weddings are all about celebrating love and its a bit miserable to watch someone celebrating their love whilst yours is miles away.

We had limited numbers for our wedding, you have to prioritize. I counted in a plus 1 for all my cousins and bridesmaids, even if they were single at the time when we made the guest list, which meant I could only invite certain friends to the evening. To not do would have been rude IMO. In the end we have a few less people at the wedding breakfast but since you confirm the numbers close to the time anyway, we didn't lose any money. I suppose we had "spaces" friends could have filled but it didn't matter. With the ceremony,photos and wedding breakfast, I barely has time to see anyone in the day anyway! The evening was the only time I got to catch up with most people, even if they had been there all day!

But fuckadoodlepoopoo They are right. It's not up for debate. A wedding is a public declaration of commitment for life.

Its still totally irrelevant. So what if strangers can watch from the back of the church (assuming its in one and not on private property), a partner who is not invited is still uninvited. Id be very surprised if they turned up to watch and then went home, because its not like anyone has the right to attend any reception. So what difference does it make and why on earth is the point being used on this thread!

You're missing the point quite spectacularly. Someone was twittering on about their wedding being a very private affair, it has since been pointed out that this isn't always the case. No one mentioned the uninvited partners just pitching up.

'What's an extra £160 in the grand scheme of wedding costs'

This. You have to ask yourself whether the difference in cost is worth the upset you are likely to cause with your friends.

I don't actually think that partners must be invited to a wedding automatically but it rather depends on the wedding and your relationship with the people you are inviting. For instance, I am going to a wedding reception later this year which follows the wedding of people in a performing group I belong to. DP doesn't know the bride and groom and they don't know him. He's not at all bothered about not going to an event where he knows nobody and in any case, it's a fairly unconventional affair.

In the OP's case, she already knows some of the partners and also, these are very close friends. They might be fine about leaving their partners at home but I'm not sure that I'd risk it for £160.

There's a lot of of odd trading off regarding money on this thread. If they have to pay XX for the weekend, then you must pay XX for their partner's meal. This is my take on the matter. Weddings have become so expensive that it's hard for them not to be stressful - for guest and bride/groom. Mainly brides because I think most men don't give a shit.

Truly, is your wedding going to be such fun that even someone who doesn't know you very well will have a good time? Because if not, the partners might be very glad to stay home and have a do what they like weekend. And your friends might like to have a girls only time.

Keith. Its irrelevant to the discussion.

There's a lot of of odd trading off regarding money on this thread

I think that's because, when people are planning weddings they sometimes get so caught up in the stress and logistics that they end up forgetting about the guests and can treat them like an expensive hindrance rather than people who are going to quits a bit of trouble and expense to attend.

And your friends might like to have a girls only time.

Yes, they might. But this rationalisation always come across as a bit of a cop-out whether applied to weddings where partners or children aren't invited.

It could well be that people thoroughly enjoy a "girls only" time as they might equally also enjoy a day out without their children. But it is always best for the people affected to make that decision. Not be told that they'll have a better time on the basis that the bride and groom have decided to exclude partners or children.

You can invite who you like OP. But it won't come without consequences.

'Weddings have become so expensive that it's hard for them not to be stressful - for guest and bride/groom. Mainly brides because I think most men don't give a shit.'

Because people go for expensive shit.

Get married in a registry office. Hire out a big village hall that allows you to hire your own caterer and bring your own booze. Then you can afford to invite everyone.

In an ideal world, you could invite everyone you wanted, plus partners, but sometimes that's not possible

Yes it is, you change venues, or have a cheaper wedding, or have a family only wedding, or have it in a big hall: there are hundreds of combinations.

There is no point having a wedding that costs so much a head that you have to leave people out and have lingering bad feeling from them for evermore.

Ten years ago I went to a wedding on my own (I was single at the time). It cost me nearly £200 to go. I knew people who were going and was looking forward to seeing them

However the bride, who knew me well, put me on an all-couples table. The people I knew were all on a separate table and having a raucous time. It was very hard to talk to the couples, none of whom I knew. I didn't bear a grudge, but I haven't forgotten how difficult it was.

Another wedding involved an overnight stay, the wedding, then NO reception as I and others were excluded, then a late "you can come in now" invite to the evening do. It caused lingering bad feeling.

For £160, cough up. There's lots of waiting around at weddings and the bride and groom are often oblivious to this. At least make it fun for your guests who are probably out of pocket because of you.

For a ceremony that is ostensibly about couples and new families, weddings sure bring out the narcisist in people. The one that I am staggered by is the idea that not having your partner invited means they don't take your relationship seriously.

People should invite who they would like to be there. And if people don't want to go, they should decline. There is no need to be sitting there without your husband feeeling miserable. And as for what if you don't know anybody? Either a) don't go or b) go and - hey this is a bit out there - talk to some strangers.

All the rest of is just drama for the sake of it.

I would invite both, in an ideal world. You could get away with it as they all know each other, so at least they could come together. However I do think its a bit rude in general.

A friend did this to me, and I was the only person on my table who wasn't in a couple and I didn't know anyone else! My DP was invited to the after dinner bit instead. Might be a compromise somewhere? Maybe just be honest with them about your budget / size constraints and how stressed you are. They might surprise you with a good idea!

I would invite both, in an ideal world. You could get away with it as they all know each other, so at least they could come together. However I do think its a bit rude in general.

A friend did this to me, and I was the only person on my table who wasn't in a couple and I didn't know anyone else! My DP was invited to the after dinner bit instead. Might be a compromise somewhere? Maybe just be honest with them about your budget / size constraints and how stressed you are. They might surprise you with a good idea!

Its not rude at all. Just invite the women and put them at the same table. I wouldn't be offended at all if it was me. It would probably be good. People dont have to take their dp with them to everywhere they go, contrary to popular belief.

In the OP's case, she already knows some of the partners and also, these are very close friends. They might be fine about leaving their partners at home but I'm not sure that I'd risk it for £160.

Who are her close friends??

From the OP it states that they are lucky to see each other once a year.

A friend did this to me, and I was the only person on my table who wasn't in a couple and I didn't know anyone else

Yes but this is a different situation. These are four girls who have lived together and are obviously friends with each and all would be without partners.

Tables plans or seating plans are awful ideas. Let people sit where they like. Obviously old biddies have to be helped into chairs and brought platefuls of food. But all that sitting where you've been put and waiting for some cold food to arrive. It's all so annoying.

Maybe I just have different experiences of weddings than other people who would not go without their partner. Sounds like lots of people find them a chore and therefore resent going anyway, whereas I've always enjoyed them. Also, I don't get this thing about sitting on your own etc. Surely you tend to know other people too, as friendship groups cross over?

As said earlier, I wouldn't just invite one person who didn't know anyone else, but apart from that I don't understand why it's difficult to spend time with others you know. I also don't see it as a judgement on the relationship.

youoldslag - you're right, technically you could change everything else about your wedding to invite everyone plus partners (although your example of a family only wedding does not seem to qualify as being able to invite everyone you want, plus partners). Seems more realistic to have a balance between a number of things, but maybe I feel this because I don't really feel that strongly about child free/non-partner weddings etc.

Binky- I used the example of family only as a blanket get out clause. If a bride is determined to have the posh £££ venue and having problems with friends/partners/live in lovers/friends with 5 kids etc, just have a really small one and friends can't then be offended if it's small and family only.

Not that I would do this myself, we included partners and kids and friends and their kids at ours. I want their friendship and loyalty long after the wedding!

*A friend did this to me, and I was the only person on my table who wasn't in a couple and I didn't know anyone else

Yes but this is a different situation. These are four girls who have lived together and are obviously friends with each and all would be without partners.*

My point was that guests have long memories of bad weddings!

Incidentally the wedding I referred to was full of people I knew, I just wasn't allowed to sit with them! Not a huge deal, as that was only for the meal.

Well that is why I mentioned how at least they'd have each other