to not invite these partners to my wedding?

[gollumiscute]

Whilst I was at uni I lived with four girls, they all stayed in the same area when uni finished, and I moved back down south. So unfortunately because of distance and commitments we are lucky to see each other once a year but keep in touch via text/email/skype.

We are making the guest list for our wedding and I would absolutely love and want to invite these girls, however they all have partners (one has been with her partner for 5 years.)

We are paying £40 a head. So to just invite the girls it would cost £160 and if we invited all their partners too it would obviously cost £320.

One of the partners I have never met, two I really like and have known them since I knew my friends and the last one I don't particularly like as even though he's quite a shy person when he would come over to our house he wouldn't even say hi if he walked into the room you were in.

I wouldn't invite some partners and not others. Also we have limited seating and I'd rather give the other seats to closer friends. But if the girls come they will be giving up a weekend due to traveling.

aibu? I know some people would be offended if their partner was not invited to a wedding they were invited to.

That's even more insulting green who are you to sit and cast judgment on the quality of people's relationship?

You're right fuck there is no right or wrong, your wedding you can do whatever the hell you want to do. What you want to do might be seen as rude, insulting or selfish. You need to be prepared for that.

"You're the one who said a wedding isn't a performance, but then say its public and so anyone can come. Sounds like a performance to me! You're contradicting yourself."

You think all things that happen in public are performances?

Do you struggle with English as well as basic manners?

Err...which bit do you think I'm casting judgment in? I'm confused! Maybe i wasnt clear.

Is it the bit where I put about if it's someone they are seeing? By that I mean that I have a couple of single people on my guest list, who, may have been seeing someone for a short while before my wedding. I won't be inviting them mainly because they won't have started seeing them before the invite goes out. Although saying that, they will get an invite to the evening at this stage as I would want to include them.

Anyone else's partners will be invited.

you know I had aunties of DH who were those aunts and partners who were not related to him in anyway ( mils friends) at my wedding who I hardly knew but was railroaded into inviting my MIL because they had done so much for dh blah blah, that I missed out on friends going during the day because of costs I was really unhappy but felt obligated, Op do what you feel is right invite them If they come they come if not it is fine, bet they do come,

A wedding ceremony is a public event, that isn't up for debate.

You don't get to dictate what other people debate

My friend who got married in her parents house, now that was definitely not a public event, actually even ones who got married in church or registry office never had a single person turn up who wasn't invited. It might be technically a public occasion (perhaps, i don't know and don't care) but in reality, you know that place where we live, the only ones who go are those invited.

The its a public event argument is shorthand for "Im going to give my opinion on something which doesn't concern me, will try to make you do your wedding my way, and this is the weak and feeble excuse that Im going to give to try to make that sound acceptable"

Would love to know how many weddings you've attended that you weren't invited to and what the reaction was.

Well, there is a right and wrong.

It's called manners.

Treating your wedding as a celebration of yourself is incredibly crass.

Using it as an excuse to cause offence to people you profess to care about is rude.

You can choose to be rude.

But you you can't change that it is rude and that people will think badly of you.

Does this also mean births are public events too?! Yay i can go and watch women i don't know push babies out! Yipee!

I can't say for your friends if YABU or not, you aren't for yourself but you may or may not be being unreasonable to your friends, so it's best to speak to them about it. What about the evening do?

My friend didn't have our partners (3 of us) during the day, she just couldn't afford it and has lots of family so tbh we were lucky to get an invite. She did have them in the evening though and the hotel was a nice golf one so the boys enjoyed golf during the day and then happily met us in the evening. The wedding ceremony was special to us so I'm glad we didn't miss it but the partners understood and weren't so bothered about missing that part they just had a drinkand dance with bride and groom in evening.

Do you struggle with English as well as basic manners?

Wow Athing! Insults now. You're just making yourself look nasty.

You're losing credibility here at a rate of knots.

You don't even understand the word "public"? :o

Another thing to think of is if you are the first to get married then if the others choose to, if they decide not to invite partners (or kids if you have them by that point) to their weddings, how will you feel? If you are fine with it-good, you are all like minded, but just don't get the hump if they do the same thing in return for the same reason.

Good grief why is everyone being so defensive. The op asked about her wedding not yours so the answers are directed at her and are merely posters opinions. Why on earth people on mn get so upset if anyone disagrees with them is beyond me totally.
When discussing something like this In real life you don't start getting all defensive and pulling people up on their English.
Fgs it's snowy out there get out and do some sledging, chill you out a bit.
Jeeeeze

"For me if i were to get married it wouldn't be a performance but a very meaningful, special day, and i wouldn't want people there watching who i hardly knew. Its a private thing that i would want to share with those i love, not be gawped at by practical strangers."

our wedding was a very meaningful, special day. we were with family, friends and their respective partners. some of whom we hardly knew. some of whom have since split up. so what? friends and family still talk about what a good time they had at our wedding.

we economised to hell on everything but the venue, food and wine - my dress was internet bargain, made the cake myself, did my own hair and make up, friends did flowers, dh wore suit he had already, flowergirl dresses in sales. but all our guests were invited to the whole day (no two tier evening reception) and all partners were invited.

there was no 'performance' about it. apart from the ceremony where, obviously, we were up the top of the church we mingled with the rest of the guests. no top table, we went into the dining room with our guests and the only speech was to thank everyone for coming and to say have a good time.

and this, according to mn, would be classed as a 'stuffy' wedding. a formal sit down four course meal in a nice, independent country hotel. as i said people still say to us how ours was the best wedding they have ever been at. i call that a success.

op - i think you should invite the partners.

You don't even understand the word "public"?

Yuck. Seriously you're making yourself look horrible. You're not coming across as a nice person at all by using insults.

mrskeith I'm still not entirely sure what I said that was wrong in my post! I would love for you to answer that. Was your last post aimed at me as well?

I have known of people turning up at weddings in churches uninvited. (In fact there were lots of random people at my DP's grandmother's funeral whom i assume were just their to worship and there happened to be a funeral on).I've never heard of it in a registry office. I expect given the limit on numbers, the registrar would ask the person to leave. Surely the 'public' part of the event is that you have to public actually give your vows in front of at least two witnesses who then sign - not you have to have it in front of anyone who fancies coming? I could be wrong there although would love to know.

Op: you have to consider your options, the possible responses of your friends and accept that wherever you cut some people, it may cause offence to someone (my brother didn't have children other than nieces and nephews and this annoyed some people but if he'd have had all children it would have literally doubled the guest list). If you are willing to accept that your friends responses may not be what you hoped then that's OK but if that would put a dampner on your day then it may not be worth it.

I think it's rude that you are deciding that someone in a new relationship isn't worthy of a place at your wedding. You have no way of knowing what that relationship might grow into or if that coveted married couple will split up the next week.

But fuckadoodlepoopoo They are right. It's not up for debate.

A wedding is a public declaration of commitment for life.

That is its whole raison d'être.

If a wedding is in a public place it can be witnessed by anyone, public notice of intent to marry has to be given, weddings have to be witnessed.

Hi there. I think if you are upfront about the lack of space, (or even lack of funds) and they are as good friends as you say they are, they will understand. If they are all travelling from the same place they could travel together and get rooms together. They might embrace the chance to have an all girls event.

I have also been to a wedding where I was invited for the whole thing, and DP at the time was invited for the meal, because the venue was very very small. Since DP had only met the groom once we understood.

My best friend stammered over skype that she was very very sorry but due to space they were going to have to make it a childfree wedding. I told her absolutely not to worry since she had given me 18months notice to find a babysitter. I understood.

Howeever you should be aware that some people (see the other posters on this thread) will be offended. And they might choose their partners over you. You know them best, so it's really your call.

Oh and my mother has crashed more than a few weddings of schoolfriends of her DC at the local church, and she's usually not the only one.

I've been to two without dh. One sent an invite the other spoke to me at work and said they had to keep the numbers down so couldn't invite people's partners as she needed to prioritise her and dh's friends and family. I wasn't in the slightest bit bothered. I'm her friend not dh.

I have been married for 7 years. If one of my uni friends was getting married and didn't invite him because they didn't know him as well as me, I wouldn't go.

It's fine NOT to invite partners if they have only just met or if you are work colleagues going in a group from work (this usually happens just for the evening bit IME).

However, you need and want your friendships after you have got married, so nurture them, don't lose them by expecting them to fork out for hotel, gifts and travel, whilst you are too tight to fork out £40 for their partner.

For £40, I would pay up to keep the goodwill going before and after the wedding day.

I wouldn't be offended by such an invitation, and I might even attend.

But I wouldn't send one, because it is rude.

And because I like my friends enough to get to know their partners.

I've not even thought twice about being invited to weddings without DH and have gone and had a great time. It may have been a little different if I hadn't known anyone else going.

In an ideal world, you could invite everyone you wanted, plus partners, but sometimes that's not possible.