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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite these partners to my wedding?

164 replies

gollumiscute · 19/01/2013 01:42

Whilst I was at uni I lived with four girls, they all stayed in the same area when uni finished, and I moved back down south. So unfortunately because of distance and commitments we are lucky to see each other once a year but keep in touch via text/email/skype.

We are making the guest list for our wedding and I would absolutely love and want to invite these girls, however they all have partners (one has been with her partner for 5 years.)

We are paying £40 a head. So to just invite the girls it would cost £160 and if we invited all their partners too it would obviously cost £320.

One of the partners I have never met, two I really like and have known them since I knew my friends and the last one I don't particularly like as even though he's quite a shy person when he would come over to our house he wouldn't even say hi if he walked into the room you were in.

I wouldn't invite some partners and not others. Also we have limited seating and I'd rather give the other seats to closer friends. But if the girls come they will be giving up a weekend due to traveling.

aibu? I know some people would be offended if their partner was not invited to a wedding they were invited to.

OP posts:
DoodlesNoodles · 19/01/2013 11:21

I love this type of thread as there really is no right answer. (not sure why some posters have to be so unpleasant though Sad)

TBH I think I would invite all of them but I may mention to them that you don't mind if they want to attend without their DP's. The DPs may be glad of the get out card and the friends may be happy to spend time with their pals and to keep costs down. (and, of course, you don't end up insulting anyone.)

greenplastictrees · 19/01/2013 11:25

mrsKeith Forgive me for saying but that's logistically unrealistic! Confused Shoud everyone allow a percentage increase in guests when booking just in case someone starts a new relationship!? That would be barmy! Not to mention wasteful of food and money if said percentage of places were not filled at the end. It's not making any assumption on new relationships - it's being practical and not to mention ethical (on the waste side of things) about it.

I have a feeling that any extras would get kicked out due to health and safety at my registry office given we are at the total number! Seriously, how does the health and safety work with anyone having to be allowed to witness a wedding? Also I was informed by our registrar that the notice of intention being displayed is the part that legally has to be public, not the wedding itself, as this gives any one who has a lawful reason to object, the opportunity to object. Of course I may have misunderstood what the registrar said.

AmberLeaf · 19/01/2013 11:26

YABU

We've decided we will invite partners if they re living together or married. If it's someone they are 'seeing' then we won't

So people are either co habiting or married and anything other than that is just 'seeing'

greenplastictrees · 19/01/2013 11:27

'Amber' I explained that post later down!

greenplastictrees · 19/01/2013 11:29

And that is personal to my situation, I don't know anyone at all who would be invited to me wedding who is in a situation other than living with their partner, married or single.

greenplastictrees · 19/01/2013 11:29

*my

MrsKeithRichards · 19/01/2013 11:31

If someone is in a relationship but not married or living together they weren't getting to bring a partner is what you said initially.

Of course if it isn't physically possible to fit more people into the room that isn't going to happen. However anyone could technically sit in.

MrsKeithRichards · 19/01/2013 11:33

And actually any single adult should be given the option of a plus one imo. If they accept as a single attendee then get a new partner then tough but I think it's bad patter to not give a grown up a plus one.

PickledInAPearTree · 19/01/2013 11:38

Some people read so much into this!

All it denotes it space is limited!

She's not making a judgemental call on the longevity of anyone's relationship.

AmberLeaf · 19/01/2013 11:38

Im refering to what appears to be a judgement by you that people are either living together/married or just 'seeing'

Not who you choose to invite based on your circle of friends.

Binkybix · 19/01/2013 11:42

Why do you think everyone should have a plus one? I did this for the one person I'd invited who didn't know anyone else, because that seems only right, it don't get why everyone should get one?

greenplastictrees · 19/01/2013 11:43

I tried to clarify that in my next post but yes, actually, if it was someone who considered their relationship to be long term/serious thing then I would invite them regardless of living together. However, I don't know anyone in that situation.

Also thinking about it, I would have to see/talk to that friend or relative often enough to know about their relationship! I'm thinking DP's cousins or some friends who are all single -If they start a relationship with someone between now and March and I know of it and know that it isn't just something they would describe as casual and unlikely to last then they'd be invited. If they consider it as 'seeing' someone rather than a relationship then I wouldn't (people I know who use that terminology would use it to describe something quite casual and non-committed). If the relationship comes about after March then there isn't a lot I can do about it as the invitations will have gone out although theoretically I suppose someone could call and request an invite for their new partner (unlikely I think). After the deadline for RSVPs then the partner would be welcome at the evening reception but I cannot not afford to book a percentage of extra meals for them!

maddening · 19/01/2013 11:44

I think everyone should be allowed a plus one - at weddings there's loads of folk you don't know so it can be quite lonely - plus one means that you aren't sat on your own - especially for distant friends who don't know the family well.

greenplastictrees · 19/01/2013 11:47

I definitely don't agree on the plus one. In an ideal, no money spared world, perhaps if that is the kind of wedding that the individual wants. Otherwise, no way!

And as for the seeing (I know I should over explain posts on mumsnet to be sure nothing is ambiguous) but this is terminology used by people I know to best describe how they see a person they have met and been on a few dates with.

greenplastictrees · 19/01/2013 11:48

maddening My post was not directed at you about plus ones by the way. I agree, if someone doesn't know anyone else it is nice to have a plus one and am doing this. Gener, plus ones we aren't doing though.

AmberLeaf · 19/01/2013 11:53

And as for the seeing (I know I should over explain posts on mumsnet to be sure nothing is ambiguous) but this is terminology used by people I know to best describe how they see a person they have met and been on a few dates with

Yes Id agree with that explanation of the terminology.

What I was questioning was how you appeared to phrase it as though the 'categories' were either living together/married or just seeing, no where inbetween??

VestaCurry · 19/01/2013 11:53

Re weddings being public events, we had about 15 people at the back of the church we didn't know from Adam, they just came in from the street. It's a pretty town/village, attracts lots of weekend visitors and the church is on the tourist trail. Was fine, new dh invited them for a glass of champagne at the reception Grin, 8 or so turned up, we had to order more last minute champagne anyway as my family enjoy their drink! They are in some of our wedding pics, hilarious and added to the fun of the day.

ApocalypseThen · 19/01/2013 12:09

I think it's fine to invite them, but if I were one if them, I wouldn't go. Weddings are extremely boring for the guests and I wouldn't want to spend a whole day hanging around by myself. And it's like that (or feels like that) even when you're with people in the same situation because the vast majority will be with their partners. I had to do it a few times, never again.

PickledInAPearTree · 19/01/2013 12:12

I've been to loads of weddings as a single person. I wouldn't want a plus one puts pressure on you to turn up with a man?

I would be more affronted by that to be honest, a lot of people are perfectly happy to go to a wedding and chat to people without a date.

BringMeTea · 19/01/2013 12:32

YABU. I am genuinely shocked by some of the responses here. I count myself very lucky now that I have never been issued a wedding invite that did not include +1. Just wow that people think it's ok for a guest to potentially be alone and making small talk for hours on end having shelled out £££ in order to celebrate with you. Honestly. If I did receive such an invite I would make my excuses. It would tell me that you were not a friend. I would want each and every invitee to have the best possible time. Whoever said that you are 'hosts' has it absolutely right.

princessnumber2 · 19/01/2013 13:09

Oh my god! Imagine a woman going somewhere on her own. And having to talk to people without a partner present. Perish the thought. Hmm

ApocalypseThen · 19/01/2013 13:14

It's not that. It's that it's at least one whole day. There are so many points at a wedding where there's nothing scheduled for hours on end and all the couples (and better organised single people who know this will happen) go off leaving only the family there. It's very horrible and tiring to spend those hours wondering where to put yourself.

SushiPaws · 19/01/2013 13:42

It's got nothing to do with a woman not being able to go to a wedding on her own, those who are turning it into that are frankly trying to find sexism where it doesn't exist.

The first post says these woman have established partners so its not even a plus one, it'll be a named partner.

I like spending time with my dh and if I'm going to spend time, money travelling and staying in a hotel; I'd rather do it with him. It eats into holidays and time that I'd usually spend with him.

On the other hand I am perfectly capable of going to a social function on my own. I'd just prefer to have time with the person I love as well. Having a dp doesn't stop you bring an individual, it makes you part of a team.

quoteunquote · 19/01/2013 13:43

I think it is extremely rude not to invite partners,

Simply for the reason that you want your guests to have as good a time as possible and feel totally comfortable, something that is far more likely to happen if they have their partners there to share the experience.

cerealqueen · 19/01/2013 13:44

I went to a wedding where my DP was not invited, as were a few others. Friend explained beforehand and it was fine with me and DP. People can attend social events on their own. Why dont you sound them out?