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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite partners to wedding?

219 replies

MrsLovely · 06/01/2013 14:55

I am getting married in a few months time. Now I am of a fairly advanced age, and to be quite honest up until now the whole idea of marriage has scared me. But I'm finally grown up enough and in a relationship where I want to take this step.
Anyway, because of this, I'm having a very small ceremony, very close friends and family only. There are a couple of very old friends I would like to invite,but not their partners. Because their partners aren't old, close friends. Although they are friends. But I don't want them to be part of my wedding ceremony! They would be invited to the party (which, incidentally is on the day after the wedding).
Is this really terrible? I haven't sent out invites yet so will abide by mumsnet decision!

OP posts:
JustAHolyFool · 06/01/2013 22:00

PureQuintessence It's totally fine with me. I wasn't swearing at you (I mean, is hell even a swear word, come on), I was expressing surprise.

Is that ok with you/passive aggressive smiley?

And I see, italicised FOOL, like I'm a FOOL.

I get it. I see it and I raise you Quintessence .

PureQuintessence · 06/01/2013 22:04

I really cannot take offense at any part of my name. And neither should you.
Grin

I am not here to bicker with anybody (and neither should you be).

I am merely surprised that my opinion should surprise anybody.

Lueji · 06/01/2013 22:07

Just

It's not like they can't be friends forever, but it does say something about how the op feels about them, and many worthy people may take it less well.

From all we know they may be absolutely fine with the partners not going.

It just seems odd to exclude partners from the ceremony when they will be at the party.

Snog · 06/01/2013 22:10

I am very indrpendent and i enjoy doing loads of things without my dp including weekends away and holidays.
I would be completely fine with not being invited to a small wedding, but inviting me and not my dp of 15 years ( which happened to us recently) is imo insulting to my dp and would damage relationships. I was really shocked that my friend did this. It does say to me that my relationship doesn't matter to her which doesn't put me in the mood to spend a weekend and lots of money celebrating hers!

Southsearocks · 06/01/2013 22:10

My DP was invited to a wedding ceremony and I was only invited to the reception. It felt weird and we were both a bit Hmm. I went shopping and joined the wedding party later (we were staying at the hotel).

I wouldn't do this personally. We're getting married next year and we will just have to accommodate everyone (though it's tempting to invite this couple to separate parts of the day Grin)

teacherandguideleader · 06/01/2013 22:11

Ifancyashandy - wasn't that I wouldn't go alone - the hotel was £250 (bank hol weekend so couldn't book for one night). I couldn't justify it for me (and also didn't want to spend that kind of money when i wasn't deemed important enough to bring partner) if my partner had been invited we could have had it as a weekend away so wouldn't have felt it was such an expense.

TameGaloot · 06/01/2013 22:26

Badguider
I wonder if I am your friend

I didn't invite many partners of my friends to my wedding
The difference is I was 21 and though I had a few friends who were in long term relationships I spoke to them and they were happy to come as a group. I did make sure that everyone knew at least one person on their table.
My dh invited partners of his guests but they were all older so more likely to be married or in established relationships

I think it's fine as long as you talk to them first. I would be happy to go without dh if my friend spoke to
me. Means I wouldn't need to worry about a babysitter either Grin

YouOldSlag · 06/01/2013 22:29

Snog- in a nutshell, that's how I feel. It's nothing to do with a lack of independence, it's just rude.

CitizenOscar · 06/01/2013 22:32

YANBU

I'd be fine with it in this context (small, local ceremony only) and find it hard to believe others would mind.

But probably best to chat to your friends and see how they feel.

We didn't invite some people's partners to our wedding and they're all still good friends of ours. Anyone who had to travel, or didn't know anyone else, or whose partner we also knew well, their partner was invited.

cheeseandpineapple · 06/01/2013 22:58

MrsLovely, is your ceremony on a week day and would people need to take time off? Might be a good get out for the partners if it is ie you can play it down and say, no need for partners to take time off to come to ceremony as you're having party as main celebration.

I think it's all in the communication and as you're having a big party too and it's all local, don't think it should be such a biggie re the ceremony unless some partners are invited and others aren't and then it looks like there's a pecking order and you may offend some friends.

I think if you say to friends, ceremony is very small, low key and you're inviting small group of say just your girlfriends if it is just girlfriends without any of their partners then it should all be fine. But if there's just a couple of partners being excluded and other partners are being included because you've known them longer than it gets tricky.

Sound out your more down to earth friends on what they think, to be on safe side, as it's all down to the group dynamics!

Also how would you do invites? One to people for ceremony and separate for party, ie some get two, some get one?

Or just one for party and verbal/personal for ceremony?

ifancyashandy · 06/01/2013 23:01

teacher fair enough. I'd see it as a fab weekend away!

JollyGolightly · 06/01/2013 23:14

YANBU. But I'm of the belief that couples should have exactly the kind of wedding they want, and nobody else's opinion should matter at all. Unfortunately for you, not many people feel this way so you're at risk of seriously offending someone. Can you canvas your friends' opinions before deciding?

pageturner · 06/01/2013 23:53

Sorry, Just, only just got back to this. I didn't fall out with my brother, he fell out with me. He didn't speak to me for 4 years because I had the temerity to question his decision, which I did very politely. He hadn't even had the courtesy to explain this himself to my DH, just told me, aggressively, that they were only going to have the people they wanted there Hmm.

YouOldSlag · 07/01/2013 08:57

pageturner- I don't blame you for being upset. That's very bad form indeed from your brother!

Paiviaso · 07/01/2013 09:40

YANBU

I'm going to go against the grain here and say if you are having a very small, intimate wedding ceremony, then people wont take it as slight that their partners aren't invited. I think they will understand, as long as you explain the circumstances (basically that no one is invited to the ceremony but family and a couple of friends, it's not just their DP who isn't invited).

And as you said, everyone is invited to the party the next day.

NotSoNervous · 07/01/2013 09:49

You'll upset alot of people by doing this. If I got invited and not my partner I probly wouldn't go

missnevermind · 07/01/2013 10:06

Me and DMum have done this a few times.
She and I will go to the ceremony. While DH and DDad will potter for the day then meet us for drinks at the reception later.

We also had an invite last year to a big expensive wedding from a good family friend inviting Mum and Dad all day and Me and DH and the kids for the evening do.
But in with the invites was a note to say that really she expected DMum and I to come all day and everybody else to come to the party later, but it was so much nicer to write the invites as couples.

This way also we take up the space of one fully involved couple rather than 2 sets of 'friends and partners'

missnevermind · 07/01/2013 10:13

Pageturner, w had the same thing with DH's brother.
We had been going out a while when he met a girl. They decided to get married quite quickly, after about 6 months if I remember correctly, but both in their late 20's so knew their own minds.

I was not invited as I was not family and had not known the family very long [shocked] as I was there the day he brought her home to meet the family.

BadLad · 07/01/2013 10:51

I wouldn't be at all pissed off if you only invited me to the party but invited my wife to the wedding and the party.

But reading this thread, clearly many people think differently, so the likelihood is that you will piss some of your friends off.

Mumsyblouse · 07/01/2013 10:56

If it is one or two close best friends, you should be able to chat with them about the feasibility of this. If it's a more general invitation, it's rude not to invite partners. I think really for the fuss it would cause, two extra people is not very much, plus if you have been friends for a long time, then having their long-term partners there will be good for the future, as you are likely to see them as much as a family as individuals.

PeshwariNaan · 07/01/2013 11:12

I had a friend who did this - I thought it was incredibly rude.

HullyEastergully · 07/01/2013 11:15

There are some things that are done in certain ways for certain reasons which you really can't not go along with.

This is one of them.

You will look like a very bonkers egomaniac if you don't.

JustAHolyFool · 07/01/2013 11:18

On the contrary, Hully , complaining about this, as a guest, makes you look like a bonkers egomaniac.

HullyEastergully · 07/01/2013 11:21

One would not, of course, complain aloud, one's own manners would not permit, but one would certainly raise one's eyebrows and think it.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 07/01/2013 11:22

I don't get why you think the only options are for the bride to not invite them, or for guests to make tossers of themselves complaining?

There are really, really, really not only two options here.

I sincerely doubt the OP's guests are going to 'complain'. But they might feel a bit hurt. OTOH, she's suggesting she's going to sound them out, so they probably won't.

This thread does feel a bit chockablock with straw men ...

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