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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite partners to wedding?

219 replies

MrsLovely · 06/01/2013 14:55

I am getting married in a few months time. Now I am of a fairly advanced age, and to be quite honest up until now the whole idea of marriage has scared me. But I'm finally grown up enough and in a relationship where I want to take this step.
Anyway, because of this, I'm having a very small ceremony, very close friends and family only. There are a couple of very old friends I would like to invite,but not their partners. Because their partners aren't old, close friends. Although they are friends. But I don't want them to be part of my wedding ceremony! They would be invited to the party (which, incidentally is on the day after the wedding).
Is this really terrible? I haven't sent out invites yet so will abide by mumsnet decision!

OP posts:
sittinginthesun · 06/01/2013 15:43

MrsLovely!!! Sorry, iPhone. Grin

BookFairy · 06/01/2013 15:43

I went to a small wedding and reception recently that was only attended by v close friends, no plus ones or partners unless they were equally close friends. All who attended were totally fine with this.

On my experience YANBU :)

Congrats in advance Flowers

MerylStrop · 06/01/2013 15:44

It is very unusual but it wouldn't bother me

But if one of my old close friends wanted their wedding like that and had a chat with me about it, then it wouldn't be a problem, esp if they are invited to the party.

badguider · 06/01/2013 15:45

Going against the majority here but i had a uni friend who got marrried about two years after uni - she invited a group of four of us girls from uni without partners in the understanding that we'd go together as a group and organise hotels together etc. it was great fun, and would have been boring as hell for four partners who each didn't know anybody else.

badguider · 06/01/2013 15:47

oh, and i've had two invitations to weddings in our town where it was just the ceremony and not dinner etc and neither time did i take dh (he'd never met the people involved).

totally different if it's a big trip somewhere with mutual friends but for just a ceremony them i wouldn't be fussed.

NamingOfParts · 06/01/2013 15:48

YABU - from the outside it comes across as being very precious, as you and your husband wanting to be the only couple there

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas · 06/01/2013 15:48

Sorry but it's your wedding and you invite whoever you like. I'm sure your friends would understand. Have an amazing day.

cardibach · 06/01/2013 15:49

I thought wedding ceremonies were open to anyone anyway - how else would people with just cause to stop the wedding get there? Your friends' partners don't need your say so to be there :)
You have accepted YABU now, so good for you!

redandwhitesprinkles · 06/01/2013 15:52

I wouldn't care less as long as it was nearby and all the people in our 'group' were in the same position e.g. Uni friends, childhood friends that i could spend the day with. My husband prefers the party part.

sarahtigh · 06/01/2013 16:19

yes weddings are public events and technically anyone can come to the church / registry office part, not quite sure how legally celebs manage to ban people

I think in certain circumstances it is ok not to invite partners

a.) you need to invite 15 people from your work they all know each other no good reason to increase guest list to 30
b.) you are only inviting 10 people you know well since childhood, there is minimum travel no overnight stay etc
c.) you do not know partner as they have only been dating a few weeks

it is not acceptable when
a,) someone is travelling 300miles and staying overnight
b.) they do not know the rest of your friends
c.) you invitre other partners but not theirs
d.) although they have been together 10 years they are not married so DP is not invited

NinaHeart · 06/01/2013 16:24

Happened to me once - my partner was excluded from a wedding invitation (and he had actaully known the bride longer than I had).
Bride's excuse? "Well I thought the girls from work could all sit together".

I was offended, partner was very upset, caused a fair amount of bad feeling all round.

Don't do it.

JustAHolyFool · 06/01/2013 16:27

I'm going against the grain here. I really don't see the problem at all. Not sure why partners have to come if you don't know them and it's a small ceremony - it's not like you can't go a couple of hours without seeing them, is it?

I think your ceremony sounds lovely OP.

redexpat · 06/01/2013 16:28

I think if you have a tiny venue and explain that on the invitation then people will generally understand, unless sarahtighs condidtions apply.

SantasENormaSnob · 06/01/2013 16:31

Op has already stated that the uninvited partners are friends. Just not close ones.

Totally different if she'd never met them.

Eeebygum · 06/01/2013 16:31

I don't see the big deal tbh. It is only for the "I do"s that the OP wants only a few very close family and friends there. Everyone else is invited to the celebration the next day. It is a very personal and intimate thing. I wouldn't want the world and his dog to be their, either. And just because I am with DP, I don't expect everyone to treat him like they are best buddies.

To turn down an invite to a very close friends ceremony, just because they don't view your DP/H the same, is being far more precious than the OP in my opinion. The day is about her and her husband to be, not you and your DH.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 06/01/2013 16:33

MaBumble My husbands oldest friend sat me with the maiden Aunts while my husband sat at top table, he was best man and wanted to leave when he found out but I made him stay and give the lovely speech I'd written. We don't see them at all. My husband just kinda drifted away.

Really? Isn't the top table for parents of the bride and groom, best man etc? I would have thought it were weird if the bestman had his wife there too, the top table would get huge.

You also mentioned not going to a wedding that your husband wasn't invited to, a bit joined at the hip i think.

Eeebygum · 06/01/2013 16:35

fuckadoodle "You also mentioned not going to a wedding that your husband wasn't invited to, a bit joined at the hip i think."

My thoughts exactly.

JustAHolyFool · 06/01/2013 16:36

I totally agree with Eeebygum . I would find it very odd if people turned down an invitation because their partner wasn't invited.

onyx72 · 06/01/2013 16:36

When I first met DH, he was invited to a wedding but I wasnt because 'we hadn't been together for long and she didnt know me that well'. Hmm.
I thought it was rude then and I never warmed to the bride.

Startail · 06/01/2013 16:40

Weird and likely to be taken as rude.
Surely marriage is about celebrating finding a partner not excluding them.

What about your DH to be, is he expected to invite only his male friends, close friends of either sex, but not their partners?

Sorry very odd.

Smo2 · 06/01/2013 16:40

I would ask them, I don't thnk it's completely unreasonable given the smallness of the wedding :) xx

Eeebygum · 06/01/2013 16:45

But their partners will be celebrating with them, once the actual celebration starts. It is only the I do they will be missing.

HugoDarling · 06/01/2013 16:45

I don't think it's black and white really. It depends on if they know each other, how long you've known them and things. I do agree you have to ask them in person first.

manicinsomniac · 06/01/2013 16:46

I don't actually think YABU at all. You want a small wedding. Therefore you need to have the people closest to you there. It would be a shame to have to leave out, for example, 5 close friends because you had to have the partners of 5 other close friends in their place.

I don't like the attitude some people seem to have that once they are married they can't attend social events without their partners. Each 'half' of a couple is still a whole person, why can't they do different things once in a while.

If everybody invited their friends and family's partners then they could only invite half of the people they actually wanted there.

zlist · 06/01/2013 16:47

YABU - we also had a tiny wedding (total of 23 people including us) and at the time that included 5 partners who definitely weren't close friends (and a couple we didn't particulary like). Wouldn't have had it any other way. I would hate to be invited to a wedding without my partner, especially if I was close to the couple.

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